LOVING ELLIE

by Brookes, Lindsey

  “He was my friend.”

  “I care about you, Ellie.” It wasn’t until that moment that he realized just how deeply. There was something about this strong, beautiful woman in his arms that touched a part of him he’d forgotten existed.

  “I care about you, too,” she said softly.

  Lowering his head, he kissed away the salty tears sliding down her cheeks.

  A soft whimper escaped her parted lips, breaking his already weakened resolve. Releasing his grasp on the broom, he let it clatter to the floor and captured her face between his hands, covering her mouth with his own.

  Not a hard, hungry kiss, but slow and tender. A kiss shared between two people who had loved and lost.

  She rose up on the toe of her boots and wrapped her slender arms around his neck, leaning into the kiss.

  Closing his eyes, he savored the feel of the warm, very feminine body pressed against his. The scent of her. A solid thump against his lower abdomen had his eyes springing open.

  The baby.

  Shock registered through him. What was he doing kissing Ellie when she was vulnerable and clearly not thinking straight? And she wasn’t the only one. Ellie had his own thoughts running wild.

  He set her away from him.

  She looked up at him, her eyes dazed.

  Lucas raked a hand back through his dark hair. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” Yet there was no denying that she had managed to touch a part of him that had been closed off for three long years.

  “I’m glad you did,” she admitted, looking down at the floor. “These past few weeks have left me feeling numb.” Her gaze lifted, meeting his. “You make me feel again.”

  She had done the same to him. His attention strayed once more to those soft, sweet lips and all he could think about was kissing her again. Lucas forced his gaze away, looking anywhere but at that very tempting mouth.

  “Glad you liked the stew,” he said, desperate to redirect his thoughts. And talking about beef and vegetables was a sure fire way to get his mind off of the kiss they’d just shared.

  “It was really good,” she said. “Be careful, Lucas, or I might try and hire you on at the coffee shop and turn it into a diner.”

  “Not unless you’re willing to risk going out of business.” He was teasing, however true the statement. “Ellie…”

  “Yes?”

  “I’d like to help.”

  “At the coffee shop?”

  He shook his head. If only it were that simple. “No. I want to help you choose the people who will be raising my brother’s son.”

  Her eyes widened in surprise and perhaps a little relief. “I thought you were against my giving the baby up for adoption.”

  “More than you could ever know,” he replied. It was killing him.

  “Then why offer?”

  “Because I need to know he’s going to be cared for.” She of all people had to understand his reasoning.

  “I appreciate the offer, but-”

  “Don’t shut me out of this, Ellie,” he said, his voice taut. Because that’s what she had been about to do. He sensed it. “I know you’ve always done everything on your own, but for Jarrett’s sake let me be a part of this. You and I both want what’s best for your son.”

  She looked up at him for a long while not saying a word. Then she looked down at her rounded stomach with a sigh. “Fine, but I have the final say.”

  The final say. At least, Ellie was giving him some choice in the matter. It was more than his wife had given him when she’d convinced him it was safe for her to have a baby - his baby – when Anna’s doctor had advised her against doing so because of her heart condition.

  “Lucas?”

  The past faded away and he found himself looking into Ellie’s questioning gaze. His thoughts returned to the matter at hand. Ellie’s child. He had to admit he was more than a little surprised that she had agreed to let him help with the choosing of the adoptive parents, considering his feelings on the issue, but he didn’t feel like celebrating his victory either. He understood what led Ellie to the choice she intended to make, but he didn’t have to like it.

  “You won’t regret this,” he promised. But she would regret giving up her child. Hopefully she would realize as much before it was too late. “So what’s the next step?”

  A frown moved over her face. “Finding another lawyer who handles private adoption.”

  “Another lawyer?”

  “I had a message waiting for me on the answering machine. It was from the adoption lawyer I was scheduled to meet with next week. Apparently, some sort of family emergency came up and he’ll be out of the office for several weeks.”

  Good. That would give him more time to get Ellie to reconsider her decision. “So it’s delayed a few weeks. It’s not the end of the world.”

  “Maybe not, but it does mean less time for me to find the perfect family for my son,” she said with a deep sigh.

  Another worry she didn’t need in her already stressful life. “I have an appointment with Greg Anderson next Thursday. I’m pretty sure he handles private adoptions. You could go with me and we could ask him about it.” The offer was out before he thought better of it. So much for delaying things.

  “Do you think he would mind my coming with you?” she asked hopefully. “I’m sure he didn’t set aside any extra time for your appointment.”

  “Greg’s an old family friend. I’m sure he’ll make the time as a favor to me.”

  She stepped forward to throw her arms around his neck in a grateful hug. “Thank you, Lucas!”

  His nephew wouldn’t be thanking him. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. The decision was Ellie’s to make. He had no rights to the child she carried. Fighting her on this adoption issue would only add stress to her pregnancy. And alienate him from her trust in the process. No, all he could do was hope time would change her mind. And time was something they were quickly running out of.

  *

  Ellie glanced out her bedroom window toward the distant barn, caught up in the memory of Lucas’s kiss and the feelings he had awakened in her. He had yet to return to the house. The same could be said for her thoughts which kept drifting back to the barn with him.

  Turning from the window, she crossed the room to stare at her reflection in the full length dressing mirror that hung behind her bedroom door. Pivoting to and fro, she studied the ever-changing curves beneath the straining cotton of Jarrett’s flannel shirt and her jeans. Jeans that she now had to wear with the top button undone. She was a little over seven months pregnant and as big as Jarrett’s milk cow, Flo. She couldn’t be any less desirable. So why had Lucas kissed her?

  She frowned and opened the door, making her way out to the living room to sit by the fire. She eased down onto the sofa and then, after tucking her feet under her, reached for the throw.

  Lucas had taken her completely by surprise when he’d asked her to let him help in choosing her son’s future parents. She had expected him to fight her until the bitter end. Maybe her pointing out that he was in no position to raise a baby on his own had finally sunk in. Or maybe it was her emotional breakdown where she revealed her painful past to him. Whatever the reason, she was grateful.

  The kitchen door banged shut. Lucas had finally returned. Her heart skittered wildly. A second later, came the sound of his boots dropping onto the linoleum floor by the back door.

  They were going to be a team now, working together to do what was right for her son. She had to stop thinking about his kisses. It was a distraction she couldn’t afford. Not now.

  “Ellie?” Lucas said, seemingly surprised, when he stepped into the room. “I thought you’d be in bed by now.”

  Thought or hoped? Did he regret the kiss they’d shared out in the barn?

  “Not yet,” she replied, her gaze fixed determinedly on the fire in front of her. “I’m just sitting here enjoying the warmth.”

  He walked past her to place another log in the hearth and t
hen settled into the Lazy-Boy next to the sofa she was curled up on.

  Just then, the baby kicked hard, making Ellie gasp softly.

  Lucas’s head snapped around. “The baby?”

  She nodded with a smile, placing a hand on her stomach. “I swear I’m carrying an NFL place kicker.”

  “Or he’s part mule,” he said with a chuckle.

  She glanced up to find Lucas’s gaze pinned to her hand, watching, almost longingly, as she caressed the bulge under her shirt. “Would you like to feel him kick?”

  His gaze shot up to meet hers, and there was a flare of something close to panic in his eyes. Unusual for a man as confident as Lucas. Then again babies made some men uneasy. Maybe he fell into that category.

  “I promise he won’t bite,” she teased. “Come on. See for yourself.”

  He moved to kneel on the floor beside the sofa, but he made no attempt to touch her.

  “Lucas, it’s all right.” She reached for his hand and placed it over her stomach, laying her hand atop his much larger one.

  The baby kicked again and Lucas closed his eyes with a heavy sigh. The expression on his face wasn’t one of wonder, but one of pain. Had she made a mistake by letting him feel the life growing inside her? Would he now regret his decision to help her with the adoption?

  “Lucas?”

  He pulled his hand from under hers and turned to sit with his back against the sofa. “I’d forgotten what it felt like,” he said, head hung, eyes still closed.

  “Forgotten?”

  He nodded slowly. “My wife was pregnant when she died.”

  She gasped, stunned by the revelation. Tears filled her eyes as she looked down at him. “Oh, Lucas, I’m so sorry.” No wonder he’d been so adamant about her taking care of herself and the baby. She leaned forward to wrap her arms around his broad shoulders. “I would never have offered if I had known.”

  “I know.”

  Countless questions flitted through her mind, taking her thoughts back to his earlier admission. Had Lucas’s wife died in a car accident like his brother had? Had Lucas been driving? That would explain his feeling responsible for her death. Or had she become ill during her pregnancy? Was that why he was so concerned now about her health?

  “What happened?” she asked, her words scarcely a whisper.

  He pushed free of her comforting embrace and stood to pace the floor in front of her. “The doctor warned Anna not to get pregnant.”

  “Why?”

  “Because of her heart condition.” He dragged a hand down over his face with a heavy sigh. “If only I’d used protection.”

  Even after the doctor’s warning, he hadn’t used contraception? That didn’t seem like something Lucas would do. Not intentionally. Had passion taken over making them act without thinking?

  Ellie swung her legs off the sofa and sat up still clutching at the throw. “I know you blame yourself for what happened, but you were both aware of the risks.”

  He turned to look at her, jaw clenching as he fought to keep his emotions under control. “Anna’s heart gave out because I got her pregnant. Their deaths were my fault.”

  Tears rolled down her cheeks. Her heart was breaking for him, for the family he’d lost. How awful that must have been for Lucas, losing them both so tragically.

  Dusty Andrews’ anger made sense now. He clearly blamed Lucas for his daughter and grandchild’s death, though wrongfully so. It took two people to make a baby. And sometimes babies happened when you least expected them. She knew that better than anyone.

  Ellie rose to her feet, letting the throw fall away and walked over to where he stood. Reaching up, she touched his cheek tenderly. “Lucas…”

  “I was her husband,” he said, his eyes misting over with tears she knew he would never let fall. “It was my job to keep her safe. To keep them safe. If only…” his voice trailed off.

  “That’s why you left.” She finally understood. “You let Dusty convince you that his daughter’s dying was your fault.”

  “It was. And you’re wrong about Dusty. He wanted me to stay. I chose to leave. Had to leave.”

  She hadn’t expected that. So Lucas’s guilt was self-imposed. “You can’t keep shouldering the blame for what happened.”

  As if she wasn’t guilty of the same thing herself. She had always felt responsible for her parents not wanting her, that she hadn’t been good enough as a child. She’d blamed herself for never being able to please the foster families she’d been passed around to. And in her mind it had always been her fault no one had ever really being able to love her. That is until Jarrett came into her life. And then she blamed herself for not being able to return his love. Life was so unfair.

  He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes. “Losing them nearly killed me. And now Jarrett.”

  “I can’t imagine loving so deeply and then having it all taken from you,” she said honestly. She’d never allowed herself to risk that sort of love.

  “It’s hurts so bad.”

  She ached for him, wanted desperately to help make his pain go away. Her fingers stroked the hair at his nape. “It might never go away, but it will get easier with time. I promise.”

  He gathered her in his arms, muttering her name in her hair.

  She ran her hands in a soothing manner up and down his back. “Shh…it’s all right. I’m here for you, Lucas.” Just as he had been for her when she needed him that morning in the kitchen.

  They stood, locked in a comforting embrace for a very long time. Finally, Lucas expelled a long sigh and lifted his head to look down at her. “My brother was a lucky man to have had a woman like you in his life.”

  She offered a tender smile. “And he was lucky to have had a brother like you in his life.”

  His frown deepened at her words. “I wish I had been here when…”

  “You were,” she told him, pressing a hand to his chest. “You were always with him where it counted. In his heart.”

  His hand moved over hers, holding it there. “Ellie…” He sounded tormented.

  “I promise everything is going to be all right.”

  “How can it be when I can’t I stop thinking about you? About wanting to kiss you again.”

  Her gaze locked with his. “Then maybe you should kiss me and get it out of your system.”

  “I wish it were that easy.” He lowered his head with a whispered plea, “Tell me to stop.”

  “I can’t.” She was helpless to do anything but let it happen, this thing between them.

  “Ellie,” he breathed, his lips scant inches from hers.

  “I trust you, Lucas.”

  He froze at those words, then promptly stepped back with a low groan. “Don’t.”

  She looked up at him, feeling a bit dazed. “Don’t?”

  “Trust me.”

  She reached out to him. “Lucas…”

  “No.” His heated gaze locked with hers. “This isn’t right. Jarrett would have wanted me to take care of you, but not like this.”

  “He would understand.”

  “Understand that his own brother wants to be with the woman he loved?” He muttered a curse. “I won’t do it, Ellie. Not to my brother. No matter how badly I want you, I’ll fight it.”

  Before she could reply he turned and walked away. She watched him go, struggling with her own emotions. Foolish as she was, she wanted things from Lucas. Wanted Lucas to care about her. To admit that there was more than just heat-stirring kisses between them. But he wasn’t free to give her any more than he already had been.

  Ellie sighed tiredly. She should have known better than to allow herself to hope. Fate had placed too many obstacles in their way. The fact that she had been engaged to Lucas’s brother. That she carried Jarrett’s child. The same child she was preparing to give up. And now knowing that Lucas had lost a child she could only imagine how he felt about her choosing to give hers up. Especially when he hadn’t been given a choice.

  *

  Blaine paced t
he floor of his office, casting an occasional glance at the phone on his desk. His mind was spinning like a reel just cast. Had been for days. Ever since that morning he’d found Victoria shivering in the loft. After he’d driven away from the Winters’ place, his thoughts had been filled with Victoria. Of long, fiery curls and thickly lashed eyes. Of lips, soft and full, that he remembered all too well tasting that summer long past.

  He dropped down into his desk chair with a groan. How was he going to deal with Victoria living in the same town now that he’d held her in his arms again? He’d already spent days trying to forget the scent of her. The silky feel of her hair against his cheek.

  His gaze shifted to the phone again. Giving in to the need to know she was all right, he reached for the handset and dialed the Winters’ place.

  “Hello?”

  “Myra, it’s Blaine.”

  “Sheriff Cooke,” the older woman said happily.

  “I’m sorry to be calling so late, but I wanted to check on Victoria.” Duty demanded it he told himself.

  “Let me get her.”

  “No,” he said, but the clattering in his ear told him Myra had just dropped the phone to go find her niece. He’d only meant to make sure she was doing okay, not actually speak to her.

  “Hello.”

  His heart thudded against his chest. Blaine struggled to remain calm. At the very least to sound unaffected by the sound of her voice. “Hi.”

  “Blaine?”

  Was she expecting a call from someone else? The thought of it didn’t sit well with him even if he had no right to be jealous. “Just seeing if you’ve recovered from your little adventure the other day.”

  “I’m much better, thank you.”

  J.B. had accompanied him downstairs that morning where he had offered a very heartfelt apology to his mother for his unruly behavior. That led to a lengthy, very loving embrace between mother and son. It was during that interlude that Blaine had slipped from the house. Coward he was. He wasn’t ready to talk to Victoria, not then. Not after hearing she had kept his picture all those years. That she cried over it. That didn’t fit with the heartless female he’d forced himself to think of her as all those years.