How to Be Single

by Liz Tuccillo

  Since Serena had gone back to work for them, she would sometimes look at Joanna jetting off to some board meeting for some charity, going to the gym, taking her son to the park, or just sitting next to Robert on the couch reading the paper with him, and Serena couldn’t help but just be envious. Joanna’s DNA made her beautiful, which allowed her to be a model, which allowed her to meet Robert, who of course fell in love with her, and which then gave her this extraordinarily blessed life.

  And when Serena was able to stop noticing all the important, profound things she could be jealous of, she could then move on to the more superficial things. And for Serena, that meant literally their things. They had the most amazing kitchen: a Viking stove, a Sub-Zero refrigerator, an overhanging pot rack, an entire cabinet just for their accompanying lids. Serena was able to go out and buy every type of olive oil infusion you could imagine: rosemary-infused olive oil, basil-infused olive oil, roasted-garlic-infused olive oil. And then there was the forty-five-dollar bottle of balsamic vinaigrette. And the appliances. The gorgeous KitchenAid mixer. The ice-cream maker. The panini-maker. It was Disneyland for cooks. Her favorite part of the kitchen was the long, narrow column of shelves that housed all the CDs in the house, as well as a CD player and an iPod and speakers. Because you must have music when you cook and dine. Money = happiness, see?

  Now the truly wonderful part of this story is that this very fortunate, wealthy, happy family happened to love Serena. Because for all the people who could have worked for them, learned their habits and their little eccentricities, and have been around when their son was misbehaving and they didn’t feel like being charming parents, Serena was the one you’d want to be there pretending to be invisible.

  And she’s a damn fine cook. They say the turnover for private cooks is two years, because every chef, no matter how hard they try, has a style of cooking that after two years people naturally get tired of. So when Serena quit her job with them and went to the yoga center, she had already outlived her shelf life by a year. That’s because Serena could cook anything. And one of her favorite things was to find a new recipe and try it out for fun. And one of this family’s favorite things to do was to eat the new recipes that Serena made. And she had no idea how much they appreciated her. When Serena told Joanna she was leaving, Joanna was gracious and wished her good luck and hoped she would be happy. Serena had no idea that after she walked out of their apartment, Robert laughed and said, “Well. I guess I won’t be having another decent meal in this house ever again.”

  When Serena began working for them the second time, something was different. She realized that there were a lot of things she really liked about this family that she didn’t even notice until they were missing. For one thing: Robert. He was actually an enormously likable, down-to-earth guy who might lumber around the kitchen in a spare moment and start joking with Serena.

  “What are we having for dinner, See?” he’d ask. “See” was his nickname for her. Serena assumed it was less an endearment and more because he was a movie star, and don’t all movie stars like to call people by nicknames?

  “Chicken with a mustard sauce and broccoli rabe,” Serena might say, which is when he would invariably make a face and say, “That’s disgusting, I won’t eat that, you’re fired.” Like clockwork. It’s not very funny the first thirty times it’s done, but by the thirty-fifth, well, it makes things kind of feel like home.

  It’s not that Robert was no longer there; he was. But he seemed different. More subdued. Joanna seemed a little distracted, and everything Serena did for them, from organizing the pantry to giving the pots and pans a good cleaning, was met with such an enormous amount of gratitude that it confused her. She knew something was going on, but she didn’t ask, because as I mentioned before, the main job of a household employee is to go as unnoticed as possible.

  But one day, while Serena was preparing broiled salmon and a big green salad for lunch, Joanna and Robert walked into the loft after being out at an appointment. Robert smiled and clapped his big hand on Serena’s shoulder.

  “How ya doing, Eagle?” he said. That became his new nickname for Serena the first day she walked into their home with her new head of no hair. Robert put his hand on Serena’s scalp and told her she looked like an eagle. As in bald. But this time, he could barely get out a smile when he said it. He just walked away down to his bedroom. Joanna looked like she was about to cry, or explode, or collapse onto the floor. She smiled a tight smile and tried to remain professional. She cleared her throat and began to talk.

  “I know this is a complete change in what you’re used to, and I know this is absolutely not in your area of expertise, but I was wondering if from now on, if you would be interested in starting to cook a raw food diet for us.”

  Serena was startled. A raw food diet is incredibly complicated and time-consuming and she had no experience with it whatsoever.

  “I know it’s an extreme diet, but there’ll be a doctor consulting with you on a daily basis, and we have all the cookbooks you’ll need, and a list of things for you to shop for.” Joanna took a deep breath. Her voice was trembling a bit. “Would you be willing to try? I know you can make that awful food taste delicious for us,” she added, trying to make a joke.

  Serena said of course, she would go shopping that very day and start tomorrow. There was no need to say anything more. In this loft with the views of the Hudson and the KitchenAid mixer and the CDs in the kitchen, Serena began to understand that the charming, handsome, down-to-earth man of the house was very sick. And no one in this house could possibly be happy. At all.

  Ruby had run out of gay men to get her pregnant, but she still couldn’t shake the whole baby thing. She knew she could adopt, but ever since she thought of having someone impregnate her, she couldn’t help but want a baby of her own.

  Which is how it came to be that Alice, only one week later, was coming over and sticking a needle in Ruby’s ass.

  Okay, maybe I need to explain. Ruby decided to look into artificial insemination with a donated sperm. She picked her donor father—Ivy League, Jewish, tall—and got the ball rolling. A blood test showed her hormone levels needed a little boost, but with the right drugs she could get pregnant on the first try. Of course, she could also end up with quintuplets, but Ruby wasn’t going to worry about that. What she did worry about was that there was no way she could stick a needle in her own ass for two weeks. She tried it at the doctor’s office and couldn’t even stick a grapefruit. The thought of actually piercing her own flesh made her sick. No matter how much she wanted to get pregnant and hold a squealing baby of her very own, she would never be able to stick a needle in her own butt.

  Her first thought was Serena, who was still living with Ruby until she found her own place. Serena had been looking in Park Slope, Brooklyn, for an apartment because she found out the hard way how high the rents in Manhattan had gotten. (Never give up your New York apartment, never give up your New York apartment, never give up your New York apartment.) It looked like she would find something soon and Ruby wasn’t worried; on the few occasions that they were actually in the apartment at the same time, she enjoyed Serena’s company.

  Ruby walked into the living room, where Serena was sitting, reading. Ruby didn’t know exactly how to broach the subject, so she just started talking.

  “So. You know how I mentioned that I was thinking of maybe having a baby on my own?”

  Serena put down her book and nodded. This didn’t seem like it was going to be one of their casual roommate we-happen-to-be-in-the-kitchen-at-the-same-time conversations.

  “Well,” Ruby continued, “I’ve decided that I’m going to get the hormone shots first, to help my odds. And, I think it might be really hard to stick myself with a needle. You know?”

  Serena nodded. She hoped this wasn’t going where she thought it was going, but if it was, she thought it would be polite not to make Ruby have to spell it out for her.

  “So do you want me to do it for you?”

/>   Ruby breathed a sigh of relief. She loved Serena at that moment for not making her spell it out.

  “Well. I know that that might possibly be the weirdest request known to mankind, but yes. How weird is that?”

  “It’s not weird, not at all,” Serena lied. “I’d be happy to do it,” Serena lied again.

  “I know it’s kind of a big thing to ask.”

  “Actually, I think if you asked me to carry your child, that would be a bigger deal.”

  “Well, that’s true.” Ruby took a beat. “We would start tomorrow. Is that okay?”

  Serena was surprised. She had no idea they were talking about something that would happen tomorrow.

  “Like, in the morning?”

  “Yes. Before you go to work?”

  “Okay. Fine.”

  “Great. Okay. Well, thanks.”

  And yes. It was the weirdest conversation Serena had ever had.

  But in the morning it got even more awkward. There was Ruby in the bathroom leaning over the sink, her underwear slid down her butt, her butt cheek exposed, all white and vulnerable. She was imploring Serena to stick it in her ass, just do it, just do it! But Serena couldn’t. She stared at Ruby’s white flesh, and then at the needle in her hand, and she started to get dizzy. She looked at Ruby’s reflection in the mirror.

  “I can’t do it,” Serena said, slightly hysterical.

  “You can’t?” Ruby said, sweetly, but concerned.

  “No. I thought I could. But I can’t. I can’t stick you with this. It’s freaking me out.”

  Ruby was gentle. “That’s okay, honey. If everyone was good at sticking people with needles we wouldn’t have a nursing shortage, right?”

  Serena felt awful. Here she was, a virtual stranger, living rent free in Ruby’s apartment. The least Serena could do was stick a needle in her ass. But she couldn’t do it. She was mortified. Ruby stood there with her ass literally hanging out, concerned. In order not to go off this very important schedule, she had to start the shots today.

  “You really can’t do it? Just today?”

  Serena knew how important it was.

  “Okay. I’ll try. I will.”

  Serena took the needle, put her hand on Ruby’s butt cheek, took a deep breath, and…still couldn’t do it.

  “Why don’t I call Alice?”

  Ruby perked up.

  “Alice? That’s a really good idea. I bet you she could do this without blinking an eye. Do you think she’s going to think it’s weird?”

  “Maybe. But who cares. I’ll call her and explain.”

  Ruby breathed a huge sigh of relief.

  Two hours later, she breathed another as Alice injected the follicle-stimulating hormone drug known as Repronex into Ruby’s ass.

  Ruby didn’t know how to ask, but she really needed Alice to give her the shot every day for the next two weeks. But there was Serena, who had no trouble speaking up because it wasn’t her favor and it wasn’t her ass and Alice wasn’t actually her friend.

  “So. We’ll see you tomorrow, same time, same ass?” Serena said, her attempt at being casual.

  Alice turned around and looked at them, surprised. “Oh. Do you…”

  “…and for the next twelve days after that?”

  “You mean like every morning?”

  Ruby nodded, mortified.

  “Okay. Sure,” was Alice’s immediate reaction.

  Ruby was actually oozing gratitude from every pore when she said, “Thank you, Alice. Thank you so much.”

  Alice flicked her hand, shooing away the moment, and said, “Please. It’s nothing.” And she walked out the door.

  During the next week, Alice came over every morning and gave Ruby a shot.

  It was then that Ruby was reminded that everything comes at a price.

  Alice was now in full wedding planning mode. And like every bride that has come before her, it was all she could talk about. Every day, while she was shooting Ruby’s ass full of hormones so Ruby could use a stranger’s sperm to become a single mother, Alice would rattle off the latest developments on flower arrangements or what color linens she decided to use.

  “Jim’s mom is really into peonies, but my mom loves hydrangea, which you really can’t have in a bouquet, because they’re ginormous. So, I’m thinking of maybe hydrangea for the tables and then peonies for my bouquet.”

  “That sounds like a good compromise,” Ruby said, bent over the bathroom sink. “I love both.”

  “I know, but the florist of course has his own whole idea on what it should be that does not include hydrangea or peonies.” Alice stuck the needle into Ruby’s ass. “I brought croissants today—do you want?”

  So every day, Ruby would stand there in the bathroom with her pants down listening to all of Alice’s wedding conundrums and stories and she was plain jealous. Jealous. Alice was Ruby’s age, but she was going to get married and then get pregnant and then have children running around the playground. She was going to have a family with a mommy and a daddy. And Ruby wasn’t. Alice was picking out a wedding dress. Ruby’s breasts were starting to swell from the hormone injections. But Alice was doing her an enormous favor, so Ruby had to bend over and take it.

  Alice started bringing over pastries and bagels for Serena and Ruby. They would sit and chat every morning before Ruby and Serena had to go to work. Alice, not being completely unfeeling, also asked them what was going on in their lives. Ruby noticed that Alice seemed to really enjoy her time with them, and soon her visits stretched from ten minutes to a half hour, to an hour. And even though Alice was annoying with her wedding talk, she was funny to listen to and, Ruby realized, good company.

  Over the following weekend, Alice met Jim over at his sister Lisa and brother-in-law Michael’s house for brunch. They all got started talking about the upcoming wedding, and Lisa and Michael started talking excitedly about their fond memories of their own honeymoon. Soon enough, Michael had carted out his Mac and started giving Alice and Jim a little slide show.

  As they started digging into their scrambled eggs and bagels, Michael clicked on their first photo: the two of them at the beginning of the Inca Trail in Peru. They were beaming newlyweds, with Michael’s arm around Lisa and her head bent in, almost leaning on Michael’s shoulder. Lisa no longer needed to face the world straight on, with her head erect and her posture strong. She was in love and could smile and lean. They were up in the mountains, with the clouds seemingly only three feet above them.

  “We were so far up, it was like we were walking on air,” Lisa said, it all coming back to her.

  “We were…” Michael said, putting his arm around Lisa and giving her a kiss on the lips. “Remember?” Lisa smiled and kissed him back. She then turned to Alice.

  “I’m so glad you and Jim have found each other. Some people might think you guys are going too fast, but I just think when you know, you know, right?”

  “Yes, it’s totally true.” Alice nodded, a knot tightening in her chest. Click.

  “This is when we finally got to Machu Picchu. Isn’t it amazing?” Michael said. He grabbed Lisa’s hand and gave it a squeeze. Click.

  “This is the temple of the sun. They say it was built for the astronomers of the village,” Lisa said. She squeezed Michael’s hand back. Click.

  “This is what they call the Jail. They think they held prisoners there,” Michael said, the photo showing the couple kissing, surrounded by tall rock walls. Click.

  “This is the hotel at the base of Machu Picchu. It’s not fancy but the view is unbelievable,” Lisa gushed.

  “We spent an extra day there and didn’t even leave the room,” Michael said, with his eyebrows raised. Lisa giggled and hit Michael in the arm.

  “Michael, Alice and Jim don’t need to hear that.”

  “Sorry, guys!” Michael laughed. “The trip was just so great. I hope you guys have just as much fun on your honeymoon, wherever you go.”

  Alice hoped so, too. Click.

  “Michael,
no!”

  “What? Just a few.”

  “Please, we don’t need to bore Alice,” Jim said, laughing.

  Michael couldn’t resist, and decided to show Alice a few of their wedding photos. The one on the screen now was of them outside the church, kissing. Michael and Lisa fell silent, almost worshipful. Alice could have sworn that she heard them sigh in unison, in a reverie of unified bliss.

  Then Lisa said the thing that took the knot in Alice’s chest and twisted it into a stabbing pain. “It was the happiest day of my life.”

  Alice had come for brunch, but she ended up being treated to a pictorial study of love; the kind of love she always wished she would have, and the kind she knew she would never feel with Jim. Her wedding day would not be the happiest day of her life. She would never look at Jim the way Lisa looked at Michael. No matter how she rationalized it, no matter how she spun it, that was the truth. If she married Jim, she was never going to have that. She watched the photos click by of them dancing at the reception, of them cutting the wedding cake. She knew in her wedding photos she and Jim could look just as happy as they did. At their wedding, no one would suspect a thing. But she would know.

  As Alice and Jim left the building and walked down the street, it was only now that she truly understood what it meant to settle. She wasn’t just making the decision, “You know what, by golly, this is good enough.” She was saying, This is the level of happiness I’m willing to stop at. Forever.

  The next day, Alice brought over cheese Danish because she knew it was Ruby’s favorite, to celebrate the last shot of the series. This time, however, after the injection, when they were sitting at the kitchen table, there were no swatches or magazine tear sheets or photos of flower arrangements to look at.

  “I really hope you get pregnant, Ruby. I really do,” Alice said, quietly, as she picked at her Danish.

  “Thank you. I’ve gotten really excited at the idea,” Ruby nodded shyly.

  “It’s really nice for you to have done this, Alice. I’m sorry I was such a wimp,” Serena added.

  “It’s no problem. You asked, and I thought, Why not give it a shot?” Alice said, laughing. Ruby and Serena sort of laughed and groaned at the same time. “Besides, I think it’s really brave what you’re doing, Ruby. Really brave. You’re going after something you really want. It’s amazing.”