by Sarah Daltry
It’s hypocritical and I can’t explain it. I both love it and hate it at the same time. With each show, I suffer the anxiety, the fear of judgment, the agony of having a part of myself taken from me, taken by people who can never understand. And then every time they fucking clap, I get a rush from it. I hate them while I think of them, while I imagine sharing my songs with them, but when they like the music? I’m suddenly their best fucking friend.
Devon nods in response to Neil’s question, excited because he still has the innocence of inexperience. He still revels in the applause alone. He doesn’t yet hear the silence between the claps, the echoing condemnation of every note someone thinks you could play better. Devon only hears the immense satisfaction of respect. “It’s gonna be fucking awesome. You realize how big this could be? Fucking headlining?”
Eric, the rational one, shrugs. “It’s big, but it’s a local club. I don’t wanna get carried away. Although I still think it’s pretty amazing for our fan base.”
Neil nods. “It’s like it all paid off for once. Yeah?” He looks at me directly this time. “Right, Jack?”
I grab the bottle of Jameson’s and take a giant swig. How do I answer him without sounding like a dick? I prefer being the opening band. When no one expects anything of you, they don’t judge you as harshly. With every success comes the need to do more, to be better.
“It’ll be fucking sweet,” I say, because in some situations, the easiest solution is to lie.
“It’s insane,” Neil continues. “A year ago, we couldn’t even find a drummer.”
The funny thing about people is the way they perceive things. There are four of us and we each see this show as something totally different. For Neil, it’s recognition of his efforts and he doesn’t care that the club only holds three hundred people. Because a year ago, there weren’t three people who knew who we were. I don’t really know how Eric and Devon feel, but I’m simply awed by Neil’s acceptance of the small rewards. I always want it all. Not in this case, but Neil’s the type who would look back at the short time I had with Lily and say it was better to have had it and lost it than never to have known her. I can’t accept that. For me, there is only success or failure. There are no shades of either.
Devon smiles. “Well, you have one now. Speaking of which, let’s get this shit down.”
We pass around the whiskey one more time. I take two shots, because you don’t fall off the wagon in small steps. And then we practice, letting our hopes about this weekend drive us. I don’t know what I’m hoping for, but as I play, I see blue-green eyes under the stage lights and I give myself over to the music.
Hope is stupid, but I cling to it like a fucking life raft.
****
Neil is pacing. The club’s packed. The opener is decent, but it’s clear that everyone is here for us. They’re wrapping up and then we’ll be on after a short break. Neil runs a hand through his hair and continues walking back and forth before I kick my foot out and trip him.
“What the fuck, man?”
“Sit down. You’re making me nervous as fuck,” I say.
He sits, but he taps his foot, which isn’t much better. Eric and Devon went to the bar to grab drinks and I hope like hell they get back here fast. Neil needs a fucking lobotomy, not a beer, but a beer will have to do.
“You realize this is everything? Like my entire life happens tonight,” he says.
Neil’s never come out and said so much, although I read it in him. Music is his way out. He doesn’t talk about his life. He lives off campus, alone, in the shittiest house I’ve ever seen, but hell, he’s twenty something and when he’s on this side of the country, he lives in his own house. That’s still pretty fucking sweet. But every so often, something in Neil’s face tells me that he has plenty of experience with the things we write about. In the band, though, neither of us is our past. We’re just a singer and a bassist with nothing but right now between us.
“Because I wasn’t nervous enough, right?” I ask.
The joke doesn’t cover the fact that I feel the same anxiety that Neil does, although for different reasons. For him, this is his shot. If tonight goes well, the road opens up for him. For me, it’s a bigger crowd with more of my own songs. And there’s that stupid voice that keeps hoping Lily saw a poster around school and will make her way to the show. I know Alana was here earlier, but when I check for Devon and Eric, she’s gone. She wouldn’t leave, so I assume she’s in the bathroom.
“You’re good. I sometimes wonder if you even know that,” Neil says, but any chance of that being a conversation fades immediately as Eric and Devon come back. We each down a shot of tequila and chase it with a beer before it’s time to get onstage. I didn’t stick to my plan to stay sober, but as I walk out on the stage, I’m glad I drank enough to anesthetize the heartbreak that bursts within me.
She’s here.
Lily looks fucking incredible. I don’t know where she found the dress she’s wearing, but she doesn’t even look the same. The sweet girl I fell in love with is there, but this new Lily is somehow wilder and tougher. She’s still beautiful, but now she looks as dangerous as she is. And it’s unnerving, because if I thought I wanted her before, I had no idea what it felt like truly to want.
I look down at her face and her eyes meet mine. My body reacts instinctively and begins to play the notes, but my mind is lost in her. I love her; any doubt is gone. Her eyes look to me with a silent reverence and she opens her lips slightly. I want to lean over right now and kiss her, to feel her body against mine, to smell strawberries as I breathe her in, but I keep playing. I don’t know what the story is with Derek, but I see in her that there’s nothing except us now. I have a million questions, a million things I need to say. But first, we have a show to play, and I focus on that. My eyes don’t leave hers for the entirety of our set.
The applause at the end is fucking deafening and Neil looks like he could cry. I want to celebrate with them, to enjoy this, but I can think of only Lily. Neil comes close to hugging me, but then we both stop and look at each other.
He laughs and shakes my hand instead. “I saw her, too. I get it, Jack. Go. We’ll be around next week.”
“I’m glad it was everything you hoped it would be,” I tell him.
“It really fucking was. But there’s one hell of a beautiful girl out there waiting for you.”
I don’t even gather my stuff. I just run back out onto the floor until she’s only an inch away from me.
“I didn’t expect to see you. It’s been a while.” I have to fight not to kiss her, but I need to know for sure that I didn’t misread her eyes first.
“It’s been too long. But I needed to know,” she says. She doesn’t move, either.
“And do you?” I ask.
“I do,” Lily whispers and looks down at the floor. “I’m sorry it took this long, but I owed you that. I wanted to stand here and tell you that I was sure.”
“I don’t know what to say. I…”
I want her. I want to bring her home, to make love to her, to be with her in every possible way. I want to tell her what I meant to tell her the night that Derek appeared. I also want to tell her everything about me. The truth about my past and my own sadness. But first, I just want to hold her hand and listen to her voice.
“Can you give me a few minutes to pack up and then we can go for a ride?” I need to throw my stuff in the van and then I can spend the whole night with Lily. If she’ll let me.
“Take as long as you need,” she says.
I’m back in less than ten minutes and we go to my bike. I want to go home with her, but I want to talk to her first. I want her to know that she’s so much more to me than a few wild nights. Sure, I’ve missed her body and I can’t pretend I don’t want her wrapped around me, but I’ve missed her. When I stood in a row of Christmas trees, it was Lily I yearned for, not sex.
There’s a playground I pass all the time on my way to work. It’s a little rundown and I’ve never seen kid
s there, but it wouldn’t matter at this hour. No one’s going to disturb us. I lead Lily to the swing set. The swings are full of fallen, dead leaves and rainwater, so I clear one for her before sitting beside her. I look down and draw shapes in the dirt with my Chucks.
“I’m really glad you came tonight,” I tell her. “You look beautiful.”
I’m afraid to look at her. She still hasn’t said it and I can’t ask. I think she was hinting that she wanted something with me, but what if I’m wrong? I’ve been hurting so much for her. I want these last few seconds of not knowing to matter, in case she plans to tell me there’s nothing left.
She looks over at me. I can see her in my peripheral vision, playing with a strand of her hair. She twirls it around her fingers, sighs deeply, and speaks quickly in one breath. “I want you. If you’ll have me.”
I will take you completely, I think. “What about you? You said you needed to figure yourself out.”
“I did. I probably still do. I’m not definitely sure who I am or what I want, but I care for you. In just a few days, I knew that I cared for you,” she confesses.
It’s what I wanted to hear. It’s what I kept hoping would happen. I don’t know if I should ask, but it means too much not to know. I turn and look at her, taking the strand of hair and pushing it behind her ear. My fingers brush against hers and I’m not surprised that the blazing spark is still there.
“When did you break up with your boyfriend?”
“That night after I asked you to leave me alone.”
It’s the most beautiful thing she could have said.
“Really?” I ask.
“Really. I almost went to your room after Derek left, but I wanted to come back to you like this instead. I wanted you to know that you weren’t a backup plan. You’re my choice.”
“No one has ever chosen me, princess.”
She takes my hand. “Until now.”
The conviction with which she says it amazes me. She’s so sure that I’m the right choice, that I’m what she wants. It’s beautiful and scary and overwhelming.
We talk for a while about what happened, her own confusion between the two of us, her history with Derek, and her realization that she was ready to move on. However, it wasn’t an easy choice and I can sense that instantly.
“You still care about him.” I point out. “I can hear it when you say his name.”
I try not to let jealousy factor into my thinking. I know exactly what it feels like to love someone so much, but in the wrong way. And I’d never give up Alana, even for someone like Lily. Because you can’t do that to the people who matter in your life. I’m not going to be the guy who demands a girl give up her friends. Lily’s who she is because of Derek and, although I may not want to hang out with him, I can’t fault her for keeping him close. Admittedly, I kind of hate him and the thought of him touching her makes me want to break something, but she’s worth too much to me to make an issue of it. I mean, as long as she’s not still dating the asshole, I can let it go. Or at least I can keep my mouth shut.
She admits that she does still care for him, but I believe her when she says it’s not the same. However, I don’t want her to think that being with me will be like being with him. I adore her, but I’m still a train wreck, as Alana so kindly put it.
“Princess, you’re not going to put me back together and make me right again. You know that, don’t you?”
“Jack, I realized something that you never have.”
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“No one needs to put you back together and make you right. You’re fine just like this. I want you exactly as you are.”
“You’ve seen my life,” I argue, shaking my head. “The shit I carry around with me. How can you say I don’t need fixing?”
“Because that is what makes you the guy that I fell in love with.”
I inhale slowly and try to focus on breathing. She said she loved me and, this time, she means it. This isn’t one of those passionate declarations that you later regret. I didn’t know something so good could hurt so fucking bad. But hearing it? It’s like feeling all the broken pieces of my heart coming back together one at a time. I think it’s healing, but it’s excruciating.
“You really love me?”
“I do, Jack,” she says and she starts to cry. They’re not sad tears; they’re the tears of carrying around so much fear and anxiety that you feel like you can’t bear it anymore. And then the moment comes when you don’t have to and the relief is so euphoric that crying is all you can do. I know those tears, because my own are threatening to match hers.
“For a month now,” she continues, “I’ve avoided you, because I didn’t want to say the words if they weren’t true. I thought maybe it was just escape, something different from Derek, and that it would fade. I thought if I moved on and if I didn’t miss you, if I didn’t yearn to see you every time I took a corner, then I would know.”
“And?”
“And it was your eyes I saw when I fell asleep at night. When I walked to the elevator every day before class and every afternoon after class, I waited for you to come through the doors, and every time you didn’t, I ached for you. I had everything else and I was happy. But I still looked for you every night when I ate dinner. Every voice I heard sounded like yours. That can’t be lust. I didn’t even feel that way when I was with Derek and we’ve known each other since we were kids. Something about you, Jack, something in you just makes sense for me.”
“Why me, Lily?” I worry. “What if I can’t be what you need?”
“That’s why I waited. I’m not looking for someone else to be what I need. I’m looking for someone I want,” she says.
“It’s weird to be wanted,” I admit.
“I doubt that. I wanted you plenty before.”
Oh, hell. This is a serious conversation, but I can almost hear the sounds she makes when she’s underneath me, as she gives herself over to the ecstasy of it all. I haven’t been with anyone since her and we didn’t even have sex that last night together. It’s taking a hell of a lot of willpower not to throw her onto the ground right now. Especially in that fucking dress.
I try to lighten the mood. “So that’s what you’re after?”
She grows serious again and tells me about her own emptiness. It’s weird to hear words like that coming from her mouth. Lily is, to me, the epitome of everything good. But I believe her when she talks about emptiness, because although it may not be the same as mine, she feels it even as she talks about it.
“Lily,” I say, trying to comfort her, “I know better than anyone what it feels like to be missing something. I don’t want to rush you. I can wait. If you aren’t ready.”
She shakes her head. I can’t believe she wants me in her life, but I’m not going to argue. I gave her the out, but she’s holding my hand and she looks at me like she’s scared of losing me. As if she could.
“Okay, but there’s one condition,” I tell her.
“What’s that?”
I hate myself for saying it, because I want her so fucking bad. But I want her to know that I want her and I want a chance to prove how much she means to me. “I’m not fucking you,” I tell her. My cock is ready to hurt me.
She laughs. “What?”
“I’m looking for a girlfriend,” I tell her.
“Right, because you didn’t fuck my brains out for days straight already,” she teases. Which is really fucking unfair, because it’s not like I don’t remember how incredible she feels. I’m trying to be noble here and she’s making it so damn difficult.
“Look, I’m serious,” I say, but I’m still smiling, because she fucking loves me. “Do we have a deal? Do you want to be my girlfriend?”
“More than anything,” she says.
I stare at her and I’m trying not to grab her and break every promise I just made. She reaches down and goes for my zipper. This girl is going to kill me.
I stand up quickly, which is no small feat, since my jea
ns are so tight that I’m going numb. I wrap my arms around her.
“For the first time, I want to love someone,” I say. It’s going to be difficult, but I want her to know. And I know eventually it’ll happen – and I want to blow her fucking mind when it does.
She stands on her tiptoes and kisses me. It hurts not to take it further, but we don’t. Loving Lily scares me to death, but for once in my life, I feel like I was made to do something right.
Chapter 24
We only have two weeks until break, which is like some kind of cosmic joke, but they’re two wonderful weeks. We haven’t done anything sexual and, although I have to take a little longer in the shower if I want to avoid having my cock actually explode, I haven’t pushed. The way Lily looks at me every day is worth spending a lot of time jerking off. I don’t know how to be in a relationship, but she makes it easy.
She’s an English major, which I learn one night accidentally. Sometimes it seems so odd how little we really know about each other, but I love the moments when I discover something new about her. She’s in my room going through my books while I’m trying ineffectually to study. My bookshelf is lower than my bed and I can’t focus on programming languages when her ass looks so fucking good. She turns around with a book in her hand and I sigh. I am seriously going to die.
“Hemingway?” she asks.
