by Sarah Daltry
“Yeah. I know, I know. It makes me a pretentious douchebag, right?”
“Not at all. He’s my favorite. He was the first writer who made me want to major in English. I loved reading, but his books just cut me.”
I think the universe likes fucking with me. She is so ridiculously perfect that I don’t even know what to say. I just nod and mumble something about liking Hemingway, too.
“What are you majoring in?” she asks.
“Computer design. I want to make games.”
“Cool.”
“Really?” I raise an eyebrow. Most girls think it’s stupid, like I only want to do it because I’m too lazy to work and I must just want to play video games all day. They have no fucking idea how hard the coursework is.
“Yeah. I’m a shitty gamer, but they’re fun. Besides, I can barely use Google. I admire anyone who’s that good with technology.”
“I can teach you,” I offer. “To play. I mean, I can teach you programming, but it’s not all that interesting. But if you want to play…”
“Yeah, why not?”
She joins me on the bed and grabs the bag of Skittles I’ve been eating to keep up my energy. We still have exams before we leave.
“What are you doing?” I ask. She’s taking the Skittles out of the bag and color-coding them on my bed.
“What?”
“You’re insane. OCD much?”
She laughs. “No, it’s just… well, it’s dumb, but I only like the red ones.”
“What?”
“I only like the red ones. The rest taste funny.”
“Lily, they all taste like sugar, chemical compounds, and food dye.” I shake my head. “Are you suggesting red dye is better than green dye?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. I only eat the red ones. It’s like a thing. You think I’m weird?”
I lean over and kiss her long and hard on the mouth, but pull away when my body starts craving more. We’ve been good and we promised we’d wait until after break. She’s sexy and sweet and perfect, but I want to give her this. I’ve never made these kinds of sacrifices for anyone. Maybe to normal people, it isn’t a big deal, but I desperately want to prove that I can make someone else happy, not physically but entirely. And I want to show her that I can keep my word.
“I don’t think you’re weird,” I tell her. “I think that’s the cutest fucking thing anyone has ever told me.” I scoop up all the non-red Skittles and eat them in one handful.
She leans over to my desk and picks up my Xbox controllers, handing me the black one and taking the white one for herself. “So you gonna teach me to play?”
“If you want to,” I say, pushing my work aside.
“I warn you. I’m bad.”
“No one is that bad,” I laugh and turn on the console.
I spend the next three hours teaching her how to aim for an oncoming zombie’s head. She is fucking God-awful. I have never seen someone so bad at video games. After three hours, she still can only hit one out of every ten zombies. I think there may be something wrong with her hand-eye coordination. But I don’t care. She took three hours of her life to do something that mattered to me. Because in this vortex that we’re living in, I matter to her.
The darkness has been staying away, for which I’m grateful. I haven’t told Lily about it yet. I fully plan to tell her, but I kind of want to wait until after the holidays. I don’t need to put that worry on her when she goes home for break. She hasn’t said as much but I get the impression she hasn’t told her family about me. She’s the kind of girl who comes from a good, stable family and I don’t blame her. I have no interest in forcing the issue. I’m happy with her. I don’t need approval from anyone else.
****
A few days before break, I’m in Lily’s room with her, her roommate, and her roommate’s boyfriend. They’ve been friendly, but it’s still weird being a part of someone’s life like this. I’ve talked to both Alana and Sandee about it and their answers are strikingly similar. They tell me to shut the fuck up and be happy for once. So I’m trying.
Lily gets a call and goes out into the hallway to answer it. I feel a little stab of fear, but I trust her completely. I focus on the conversation I’m having with Lyle about gaming and try not to listen for Lily’s footsteps coming back into the room. She’ll tell me what it’s about when she’s ready. I still have my own secrets, and I’m not going to be a hypocrite. However, I can’t say I’m not relieved when she comes back and asks if we can go to my room. She keeps saying she left something, which makes no sense, but Lyle and Kristen keep looking at us like they’re hoping we’ll leave anyway. I don’t doubt that they enjoy our company, but none of us are looking forward to break. When you get used to spending so much time with someone, even the smallest breaks feel endless.
“What did you leave?” I ask Lily when we get back to my room.
“That was my brother who called,” she says. “He wants to meet you over break. Like at my house. With my parents.”
I sit down. “When?” I want to meet them, if she wants me to, but I need time to prepare. I can guarantee I will not be what they’re expecting.
“Are you sure you want to? I can make up an excuse.” She seems evasive, as if she’s thinking of something else, and I wonder if she’s trying to hint at the fact that she doesn’t want me to meet her family.
“Do you not want me to come over? Are you ashamed of me, princess?”
“No, it’s not that,” she insists. “It’s just that my family is… I mean, we’re…”
“Normal. Not a dysfunctional mess of a dead mother and a killer father,” I finish.
“I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry, Jack. It wasn’t what I meant.”
I can tell she feels terrible and I know it’s not what she meant, but someone needs to say it. Because it’s not like it will never come up. Sooner or later, we need to accept the fact that we don’t belong together, no matter how much we want to. I’m not ending things and I’m happy with her, but I understand that there are some things working against us.
“It scares the hell out of me, but if you want me to come over, just say when,” I tell her.
“After the holidays.” She says it without thinking, as if the “holidays” are a given. I don’t have the energy to tell her what holidays are like for me. I’m thinking about Alana’s Christmas tree and wondering if they added anything to it, when Lily walks closer and runs her hand down my chest. And I forget all about Christmas trees.
She leans in to me. “I think there are certain things that have been neglected for way too long.”
“But we agreed-” I try to argue.
“There is no way I can wait until after break. I need you,” she says. Her hand reaches between my legs. Well, she’ll know exactly how difficult it has been now. She runs her hand over my cock and my entire body leaps off the chair toward her touch.
“Oh, Lily. I don’t want you to think-”
I don’t get to finish, because she kisses me. She bites down on my lower lip and I have to think about my programming final project to avoid coming right now. Oh, fuck, I want her.
She breaks from the kiss but she doesn’t move away. Instead, with her lips still against mine, she slips her hand into my pants and purrs, “I don’t think anything except that you need to take that enormous cock out and fuck me like I know you can.”
Well, there’s no stopping it now.
“Okay, princess. You asked for it,” I say and rip her shirt off. I stare at her tits as I toss her onto the bed and Lily works fast to get her pants off. Kneeling in front of her, I go for her clit. She’s already wet and I tease her until she’s moaning and bucking underneath me. I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve touched her. Our bodies respond to each other as if it’s been both seconds and years. I’m so hungry for her, but there’s no awkward rediscovery of what works. I run my tongue up and down her pussy and she cries my name.
“I’m gonna make my girlfriend
come,” I say, looking up at her.
She moans as I go back to her cunt and she clutches my head between her legs with her thighs. As she comes for me, I wonder what the fuck I was thinking being so noble. Lily and I are phenomenal together.
“I want you,” she says. I want her too, but I just love how she looks when I make her come. I’m dying a little but it’s so worth it to make her this happy. I run my hands along her naked body, enjoying every curve. I’ve yearned to touch her like this again and I’m taking my time. Sliding my fingers into her, I almost lose it. Her pussy is so wet and so fucking warm and I want nothing more than to slip myself into her. But the teasing will make it even better in the end.
“Jack, I need you to fuck me like you used to,” she begs.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to ruin us,” I tell her. Once it happens, there is no going back. If she thinks that’s all there is between us, then there’s no way I can convince her otherwise. The longer we wait, the more I can be sure she knows how I feel.
She unzips my jeans in response and that’s it. I can’t say no to her.
I roll her on top of me and she pauses for a moment over my cock. The smile that spreads across her face makes me wild and I lift my hips, pushing the head against her. She doesn’t break eye contact and then, the world disappears. She’s wrapped around me, her pussy tight as she slides all the way down on me, and we both inhale sharply. It’s fucking staggering. People use drugs to get even a hint of this kind of pleasure.
Lily begins to ride me and she links her fingers with mine as she does. She doesn’t look away and I wonder if anyone has ever died from delirium.
“Hey, boyfriend,” she teases and I lose my fucking mind.
“Princess, I fucking love you,” I attempt to say but I don’t know if it’s coherent. She lays herself against me, her tits against my chest, and her face against mine. I let out a noise from the back of my throat. She comes while she rides me slowly and all I can say is her name over and over. It’s the only thought that I have.
I move under her, pulling my hands away, and I bring her body even closer. I push all the way into her, thrusting with months of need, and she screams in rapture. I feel her orgasm as it runs the length of her body. She leans back and I fight not to come yet, not until she falls against me again, fully satisfied. I let go, caressing her hair, and the orgasm is entirely new. It’s not only the months, but all the years of being incomplete. With Lily, I belong for the first time. She kisses my neck and I explode into her.
I can barely breathe, but I whisper, “I love you.” She says it at the exact same time.
Chapter 25
It’s been obvious that Lily doesn’t want me to meet her family for the holidays, and I’m not surprised. Still, I’d love to do something for her for Christmas. I don’t know what, since I can’t afford much. And I certainly don’t know why, since I can’t remember buying anyone presents. However, it becomes an obsession over the few days leading up to break. I drive Sandee crazy at work asking her opinion and I text Alana relentlessly. I don’t want to go through this big process only to give her something stupid, but I can’t afford things like jewelry.
I’m starting to give up the entire plan, but Alana agrees to come over to help me brainstorm. It’s Saturday and Lily’s leaving later this afternoon. Alana’s only planning on staying for a little while anyway, since Dave’s back already and they picked things up fast. I can’t wait to see him, but she’s kept him locked away for a couple days. Today, he’s being forced to spend time with his parents, which is the only reason I’m seeing her.
“So, let’s run through ideas,” Alana says after settling on my desk. She’s as beautiful as always, but there’s something new in her. Something softer. I’m glad things with Dave are going like they should; it just makes sense.
“I have none,” I complain.
“How much do you have to spend?”
“Fifty bucks? Maybe. I just got next semester’s schedule. The books are fucking ridiculous.”
Alana grabs a legal pad from my desk and readies herself to take notes, but I reach into the top drawer and hand her the thirty similar lists I’ve made over the last week. Nothing works. Nothing says Lily. I could buy her a book or a CD or something pretty, but those are things. I want to give her something that says us, not something I could buy for a fucking Secret Santa gift.
“I thought you had no ideas,” she teases.
“I don’t. These are all the bad ideas.”
“Okay, what does she like?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I mean, she likes lots of things, but nothing she can’t get herself or that will feel personal. Nothing her friends wouldn’t buy her. And I don’t want to buy her a friend gift.”
“Get her a dildo,” Alana says.
“What?” I laugh.
“For real. I know you want to go sweet, but hell, Jack. I was there that night. She’d be all over that.”
“That isn’t very romantic,” I point out.
“So buy her a dildo and write her a poem.” Alana hands me my pile of lists and my legal pad. “Honestly? The last gift I got was a box of pencils. That was when my mom bought me presents. What about you?”
“Sheets.”
“Or pans?” Alana knows me well and it’s comfortable, especially now that we’ve moved past our history.
“So seriously? A dildo?” I ask.
She shrugs, but I consider the suggestion. The night before things fell apart, when we used the vibrator I still have in my drawer, was fucking hot. Maybe it’s not a bad idea.
“Here,” Alana says and hands me her phone. She has a web page up with suggestions for sex toys to please women. I look at her and she raises her eyebrow. “It’s better than sheets, pans, and pencils combined.”
I sigh and add the website info to the lists. I want to ask Alana for more ideas, but there’s a knock on the door. I know it’s Lily. I shove the papers in my desk.
She comes in and the entire world stops. It’s like living in a fishbowl, where the edges of the universe span outward, but the only thing in focus is the area right in front of you. Lily is the little plastic castle, and I feel like the fish, surprised every time I see her, but so fucking happy when I do.
“Hey, Lily,” Alana says.
They talk, but I hear nothing. Lily is all I can think about and she looks so good. It’s rude to rush Alana out of here, but I need her to go. I need Lily and my body can’t wait. I have to be close to her, at least one more time before she leaves today. I don’t know when I’ll see her again, but it could be a full week. In normal time, a full week is nothing, but without her eyes, it’s a lifetime.
“We’re doing gifts?” Lily asks. Damnit, Alana, I think. Now I have to get her something and she’s going to be all hopeful, only for it to suck.
“Just something small,” I tell her.
“So, what is it?”
Alana laughs. “Presents are supposed to be surprises.”
“I liked my birthday present. Is it that kind of surprise?”
The soda I’m drinking burns as I nearly choke on it. What happened to the innocent girl I thought she was? “Christ, Lily.”
Alana tells her about Dave and then gets up. “I’ll let you guys have some privacy. Jack, when are you heading back?”
“Probably tonight,” I tell her, although it might be late and I know she and Dave are still “reconnecting” or whatever. I get up to walk her out and close the door behind her, turning to Lily and bringing her body to mine.
Her lips are so soft and I disappear in kissing her. This means more to me than anything with her, because when Lily returns my kisses, they’re honest and meaningful and vulnerable. She trusts me, which is evident as her body opens up and she lets me guide the kiss. I don’t know how to be trusted like this. I’ve never trusted many people and I certainly don’t think I deserve to hold such fragile trust from Lily. But the fact that she believes in me, the fact that she does trust me, despite all
rational reason not to, makes me feel like the entire world is both upside down and finally right.
She moans against me, but I move away, smiling at her.
“I didn’t realize how much you liked that present, you know. I think I’m a little jealous.”
Seeing her with Alana was hot, but things have changed now. I don’t want to share Lily with anyone. It’s not a possessive kind of control, but a simple need to be enough for her. Hell, I’m jealous of the damn dildo I’m thinking of buying her. I want to be the only one to drive her wild.
She presses herself against me. “Nothing to be jealous of,” she whispers against my cheek and then she kisses down my neck.
“You’re so damn hot, Lily. You could make a guy crazy.”
“Mmm. Like this?” She rubs her hand against my crotch.
I can’t believe she’s leaving and I need to burn her memory into my body.
“You’re leaving soon?” I ask, which makes her rub against me harder.
She moves away from me and my body jerks involuntarily toward her. I need to feel her, to touch her, to lose myself inside of her. She reaches into my dresser and turns around, holding out her perfect, soft hand. Resting in the center are the handcuffs and ball gag we played with when things first started.
“Oh, hell,” I moan and I picture her that night, at my mercy and so sexy. Now, Lily is so much more than an incredible lover. Now, that kind of vulnerability is unbelievable to me, because she’s emotionally at my mercy as well.
She doesn’t speak as she slowly strips out of her clothes. Her entire body amazes me, no matter how many times I see her. I push her onto the bed and handcuff her, but this time she’s facing me. I’m tentative as I put the gag into her mouth, but she nods fervently. There is something so wrong about this. I should want to protect her, to hold her and caress her, not to do the things my body and mind are screaming to do to her. I can’t resist the desire to be rough and to feel her out of control along with me, but I also don’t ever want her to think I’d give her up for this.
She spreads her legs and I look at her eyes. I’m scared of pushing it, but her eyes are gleaming. She’s excited and I realize just how right it is with her. Again, she trusts me, enough to allow me to explore her darkest desires with her. She’s willing to share things of herself that she’s probably kept hidden from everyone until now.
