Doctor Who BBCN05 - Only Human

by Doctor Who

  A ball of liquid fire shot from Tillun’s mouth and the Hy-Bractor slumped headless to the ground.

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  ‘I must be a god,’ said Tillun, trying to make sense of what had just happened.

  The Hy-Bractor towered over Rose.

  Before she could even really think about it, as casually as she might swat an irritating fly, she held up her head and spat fire.

  Week 4

  Das’s Journal

  Jack will be leaving tomorrow. The Doctor and Rose are returning, and he must resume his life as a traveller. I think he must be insane.

  No other world could be better than this one.

  Of course I often think of my old life, but less and less. It’s hard to miss it – especially now I have my job and Anna Marie and crisps.

  Here everybody is very different. In my old world we all did the same things and spoke many of the same thoughts.

  Anna Marie is very beautiful. She came round to the flat and we kissed, ate crisps and chocolate, and watched television. Her favourite television tribe is a real one, of famous people who have achieved much. They have been exiled to an island to see if they will fall in love.

  Anna Marie reads the special shining books called magazines that tell her what all the famous people are doing. She makes a special drink called a spritzer which we like. She thinks I am from Romania and doesn’t ask me many questions about it, so I don’t have to make up too many lies.

  I think Jack is jealous of me. He gives Anna Marie very odd looks and shakes his head, and they don’t get along very well. She uses unfriendly words to describe him and says he dresses just a bit too young.

  I’m enjoying my job. We are making some new flats from bricks and mortar. It’s very simple and I enjoy lifting things. The men I work with are good friends and we laugh a lot together. Often we all lie to our boss about how much work we have done.

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  Jack has bought me many books to read, but I prefer the magazines.

  I won’t be too sad when Jack goes. I’m grateful to him for looking after me, but I think now I belong here more than he does. I enjoy the boredom and all the eating, thinking and learning, but Jack likes things to happen and more tension in general, and wants to get back to the TARDIS. He enjoys danger and fighting, which, if you ask me, is stupid.

  Yesterday I decided to ask Anna Marie to become my mate, which is called marrying here. She said yes right away, and we will have our wedding soon. She took me to meet her mother and father. Her mother is another fine, fat woman. Her father took me to one side and cried. He said he had always been worried that Anna Marie would never meet a nice man and that he was very happy I had come along.

  I didn’t understand at first, as Anna Marie’s sister is hideous – thin as a stick – and she is already married. But then I remembered that the humans think smoothness is sexy.

  I must stop thinking of myself as different. Soon I will have a wife and we will live together. Anna Marie would like to have children.

  Jack says this will be possible. I would like Anna Marie to have a good number of children, say about three. I will name them after the people who helped me. They will be called Jack, Rose and the Doctor.

  Captain Jack Harkness’s Data-Record

  Time’s almost up. And my work here is done.

  Das has got himself a fiancéee. I’d say she has more trouble fitting in than he does, which is kind of cute. And to him, yeah, she’s a real calendar girl. A face only a mother or a Neanderthal could love.

  My heels are itching. I’ve never been confined to one planet this long – at least not without some plan hatching – and I worry it’s starting to contaminate me. I saw a poster in a travel agent’s window this morning and caught myself thinking Australia looked interesting.

  Very bad sign.

  Peacetime is a bit freaky. Everyone here – including Das – has that 152

  deadly combination of contentment and ennui. Without the flavour of danger, without the constant lurking threat of death, life’s one long, slow afternoon watching VH1 Smooth. When they talk about how stressed they are you’ve gotta laugh. Yeah, your trains don’t run on time, big deal. Try living in a city under siege by the Varionette Min-isterium, that’s stress.

  It’s kind of hard to believe Rose comes from here – she’s so much more alive. I guess that’s why the Doctor picked her.

  I miss those two. When the TARDIS pops up tomorrow it’s gonna be all I can do not to run in and give them both a smacker on the lips.

  Life with the Doctor and Rose is the best you’re gonna get.

  Next stop – Kegron Pluva, please, and cross fingers there’ll be a war on.

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  Things had gone wrong, Chantal realised. Her plans had come to nothing, thwarted by the Doctor.

  Hey-ho, she thought. Never mind. Life goes on. Start again.

  She sauntered through the streets of Osterberg, round the tidy piles of human bones, trying to come up with a new scheme. She was sure the drugs pumping through her body were not quite enough to fully knock out her intelligence patch. There’d be an idea along soon enough.

  It arrived, and she laughed and smote her forehead. Well, obviously. . .

  She made her way to the time engine and her hands ran absently over the levers and wheels that controlled it, switching the power outlet from the Grey Door back to the engine itself. The machine chugged away furiously, steam blowing out of either end, and a beam of green light formed. Chantal was looking forward to her new life in the twenty-first century. She would deliver value. Get herself a nice job, something scientific, and then eradicate the poor, sad human race just as she’d intended. This was only a mini-setback.

  ∗ ∗ ∗

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  The Doctor raced into the examination room to be greeted with an extraordinary sight. A Hy-Bractor lay dead on the floor, only a scorched stump left where its head had been. Rose was lifting her own head up to peer down at it.

  ‘I did it!’ said the Doctor, punching the air. ‘I worked it out and I did it!’

  ‘Are all the Hy-Bractors dead?’ asked Rose.

  ‘If they’re not, they soon will be,’ replied the Doctor. ‘Can’t bring myself to feel gutted. Where’s Chantal?’ He looked about.

  ‘Doctor.’ Rose held out her head and spat another ball of flame that went over his shoulder.

  ‘Don’t worry, it’s only a temporary adaptation,’ said the Doctor airily.

  ‘It’ll last just long enough for the people here to survive. Fade in a while. Where’s Chantal?’

  ‘Doctor!’ Rose held up her head again meaningfully, gesturing at her body with her eyes.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ said the Doctor. ‘Where’s Chantal? She can sort that out.’

  Rose blinked. ‘You mean – you can’t?’

  But the Doctor was already out of the door. Taking a deep breath –somehow – Rose and her body followed.

  Tillun ran through the forest, exhilarated, stopping every few seconds to test his new, god-given power to spit fire. He could conquer everything! Nan and the others would be proud as he led the tribe to greater and greater glory!

  He heard sounds of movement up ahead and stopped instinctively.

  Then he remembered that he need fear nothing – not even being alone at night – and ran on, raising his spear and chanting.

  Three people were picked out in the moonlit glow. He would challenge them and, if they moved to injure him, he would simply blow them away!

  The shortest of the three, who wore a strange head-covering, turned at his approach and blew fire at him before he could come close.

  ‘Oh,’ said Tillun, crushed. ‘So everyone can do it.’

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  Quilley edged up to him slowly and put out his hand.

  ‘Good

  evening, young man.’

  ‘Hello,’ said Tillun, sighing.

  ‘She’s using the time engine,’ said Rose as she followed the Doctor into the steam-filled room. A
green glow suffused one corner of the shack, growing in intensity. ‘Can’t be that bright, can she?’

  The Doctor nodded. He shielded his eyes and saw the outline of Chantal through the steam. ‘Chantal, listen to me. Don’t walk into that beam!’

  ‘Can you give me a good reason why not?’ came the cheery reply. ‘I don’t think so!’

  ‘It’ll rip you apart!’ shouted the Doctor.

  ‘Not listening,’ said Chantal, still in her singsong voice. ‘You’re trying to put me off, Doctor. I’m too clever for that!’

  ‘More than one trip and your cells get corrupted,’ he called out.

  ‘Plus you’ve gotta put my head back on!’ shouted Rose.

  ‘You’ll get used to it, love!’ Chantal giggled and stepped into the green light.

  She had one second longer to exult in her own brightness and charm before every cell in her body reversed and she was torn apart by the time winds.

  ‘Oh, great,’ said Rose’s head. ‘What am I gonna do now? Move to Legoland?’

  The Doctor looked worried. ‘Could be the least of your problems.

  Remember what Jack said about rip engines?’

  ‘They blow up,’ said Rose.

  ‘And this one’s just about to,’ said the Doctor.

  ‘Good job too.

  Don’t want any archaeologists digging this place up. Make a brilliant episode of Time Team, but. . . Back to the TARDIS, quick!’ He raced out.

  Rose’s arm grabbed him and shook her head at him. ‘But if there’s no more Chantal, who’s gonna stick this back on?’

  ‘This whole town is about to explode,’ said the Doctor evasively.

  The engine roared.

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  ∗ ∗ ∗

  They reached the examination room with seconds to spare. The Doctor grabbed the tray of instruments and drugs from the trolley and swept Rose into the TARDIS.

  Rose slammed the door shut and followed him up the ramp. He had switched on the monitor and they watched together as the room outside whited out in a tremendous flash. The ground under the TARDIS

  wobbled. Rose clung onto her head with one hand and the console with the other.

  ‘You can do it, can’t you?’ Rose asked in the silence that followed.

  ‘Of course I can,’ said the Doctor. He held up one of Chantal’s instruments and clicked it on. ‘Well, I can learn.’

  Rose licked her lips. ‘OK. Joking or not joking?’

  ‘Not joking,’ said the Doctor.

  The boom of the explosion knocked Quilley, Tillun, Jacob and Lene to the ground.

  A moment later Quilley started as an extraordinary groaning noise echoed around them. A blue box with a flashing light on top began to fade up before him. ‘Oh dear,’ he sighed. ‘All my life I wanted emotions. Now I could do with some blankness.’

  Tillun stood up and put an arm round him. ‘Don’t fear,’ he said.

  ‘Our fire-mouths can destroy anything!’

  The door of the box began to open. Tillun strode up and swallowed, readying himself. . .

  The Doctor’s head poked out. Tillun spat – and a gob of saliva landed on the Doctor’s nose. ‘Thanks, mate,’ said the Doctor, rubbing at it. ‘Good job I put a time limit on that.’

  ‘Where is my wife?’ demanded Tillun. He raised his spear. ‘I want her back!’

  The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS, carrying Rose’s head under his arm.

  ‘Hiya,’ said Rose’s head tentatively.

  Tillun stared at her, stared at the Doctor, then dropped his spear and ran off backwards into the woods, screaming.

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  ‘Must have been something you said,’ said the Doctor.

  Rose’s body emerged from the TARDIS. ‘Shame. I could have married worse people.’

  ‘You still might, with your record at picking them,’ the Doctor said, before turning to address Quilley, Jacob and Lene. He held up Rose’s head. ‘Chantal’s dust, the Hy-Bractors are all dead –’

  Quilley was formulating a reply when the bushes parted and a Hy-Bractor emerged into the clearing.

  ‘Rose, do your stuff!’ shouted the Doctor.

  ‘Time limit,’ said Rose. ‘I don’t think gobbing at it’s gonna do much good.’

  The Hy-Bractor looked around the small group, then pointed to the Doctor. ‘You’re him, aren’t you? Him with the leather jacket?’ It waved a piece of paper in his direction with a drawing of the Doctor on it.

  ‘That’s me,’ said the Doctor slowly. ‘Not bad. She captured the ears all right.’

  ‘We aren’t supposed to kill you,’ said the Hy-Bractor. ‘But I can kill all these others. . . ’ It started to reach for Quilley.

  ‘No!’ shouted the Doctor. He positioned himself in front of the Hy-Bractor. ‘You get your orders from Chantal, right?’

  ‘That is correct,’ said the Hy-Bractor.

  ‘I’m afraid she’s dead,’ said the Doctor.

  ‘Oh. So I can eat you now?’ said the Hy-Bractor.

  ‘No, no, it doesn’t work like that,’ said the Doctor hurriedly. He grabbed the piece of paper and drew something on the back. ‘You see, before Chantal died, she told me to tell you to only ever eat things that don’t look like this.’

  He turned the paper round to show a rudimentary sketch of a human.

  ‘I see,’ said the Hy-Bractor. ‘Anything not human.’

  ‘And not to eat too many,’ added the Doctor.

  The Hy-Bractor took the drawing. ‘I shall do that if it’s what Chantal wanted.’ He lurched off into the undergrowth.

  ‘That was very easy,’ said Quilley. ‘Will it really follow your instructions?’

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  ‘Why not?’ said the Doctor brightly. ‘It was designed to be better than a human, remember.’

  ‘It can’t lie,’ said Rose. ‘So it can’t understand being lied to.’

  ‘So that’s about it,’ said the Doctor. ‘But can you guess what our last problem is?’ He raised Rose’s head significantly.

  Jacob got to his feet. ‘Do you want it putting back?’

  ‘No, I love it.’ Rose gave him a sarcastic look, forgetting he was an Osterberger and it would be wasted. But to her surprise he returned it with an ironic smile.

  The Doctor handed Jacob the instruments. ‘Please.’

  ‘I don’t know how,’ said Jacob.

  The Doctor swallowed. He didn’t dare look into Rose’s eyes, so he kept her head facing away from him.

  ‘I can do it,’ said another voice.

  Lene was trying to stand up. ‘It’s easy,’ she said weakly. ‘All you have to do is reverse-lock the kinetic seal. I used to do it all the time.’

  Jacob looked at her anxiously. ‘You’re too sick. It’s a delicate operation.’

  Lene took his hand. ‘You can help me. That’s what a husband is for.’

  She gave him a smile that was entirely genuine.

  Jacob felt a prickling behind his eyes and, though it was a wrong-feeling, wondered how he could ever have lived without it.

  The Doctor passed Rose’s head to Lene.

  Lene settled Rose’s head on her shoulders, adjusted it slightly and switched on a tiny spherical device. Rose looked anxiously over at the Doctor. He took her hand. Jacob pressed the device to Rose’s forehead and there was a tiny click.

  That click was the strangest sensation Rose had ever felt, stranger even than being separated from her body in the first place. In that second she felt totally connected to every part of herself, as if she had reached out for her heart and lungs and was holding them to her. Lene stepped back and Rose shook her head experimentally, half expecting it to topple down in to the grass. But it stayed firm.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Rose. It sounded ludicrously inadequate.

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  Lene smiled back. Then she stumbled. Jacob caught her and supported her gently, trying to make her comfortable on the hard ground.

  Then he turned to the Doctor. ‘You beat Chantal, Do
ctor. So you’re cleverer than Chantal?’

  The Doctor grinned nonchalantly. ‘S’pose I must be.’

  Jacob pointed to Lene, her prone form picked out in the light shining from the TARDIS windows. ‘Then cure my wife. I want her to live.’

  The Doctor’s face fell. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Doctor,’ said Rose quietly. ‘Can’t or won’t?’

  The Doctor crossed over to Lene, set the sonic screwdriver to diagnostic mode and ran it over her body. ‘There’s nothing I can do,’

  he said. ‘Her life’s been massively prolonged by genetic restructuring.

  She had her ageing mechanism switched off. She’s had about 400

  transplants. But every system, no matter how hard you try, wears out in the end.’

  ‘She’s not just a system!’ snarled Jacob. His first tears trickled down his face.

  The Doctor couldn’t answer.

  Quilley came close to Jacob and held him. It was not one of Quilley’s grandiose, theatrical gestures. He’d moved naturally, comforted Jacob because that was the human thing to do.

  The Doctor nodded to Quilley and said quietly, ‘I can’t take you with me. I can’t take you home.’

  ‘It was never my home,’ Quilley replied evenly. ‘This is my home.’

  With a small gesture he indicated the deep forest. ‘I’m going to live here, and die here.’ Some of his grandness seemed to return. ‘And I intend to feel every last sensation as I’m doing it.’

  ‘The cave people,’ said Rose. ‘Go and join up with them.’

  Quilley nodded his thanks to Rose for her advice. Then he looked her fur-bikinied body up and down and made an indescribably lustful noise.

  ‘Oh, please,’ said the Doctor. ‘Now you’ve rediscovered human nature, can you hurry up and rediscover basic manners?’

  ‘What are manners again?’ asked Quilley.

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  But the Doctor and Rose were already stepping back into the TARDIS.

  The woman at the front of the small function room settled her glasses on her nose. ‘Good afternoon, everyone, my name is Lynette Coates. I am the Superintendent Registrar and I would like to welcome you all here today to celebrate the marriage of Anna Marie O’Grady and Das Dimitru.’