Single Woman Seeks Revenge: Another Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  “It’s Megan,” said Megan firmly.

  “Whatever you say darling,” said Jackie bustling past, Troy slung under one arm kicking and screaming.

  The young intern forced a smile as she stood aside to allow Suzie through the door before closing it behind her.

  Antony was looking down as Suzie entered, writing something on a form. Suzie noted a slight bald patch on the top of his head and instantly felt her confidence rise.

  “Come in, sit down,” he said not looking up. “Won’t be a moment, Mrs err, Mrs …” He scanned the form wildly.

  “Ms Miller actually,” she said. “Ms. Suzie Miller.

  “What?” Antony’s head shot up. “Suzie. What are you doing here?”

  She found that she couldn’t speak. She was too busy watching her relationship with Antony flash before her eyes as his face prompted a million memories that had previously been wallowing in the deep recesses of her mind. First kisses, last dances, summer picnics, winter walks, dinners out, breakfasts in bed, big celebrations, tender commiserations, they all flooded her mind in fast forward. He looked the same apart from the fact that he’d been MP-ified. His shirt shouted boring and middle-aged. His tie was neatly knotted at the top rather than pulled loose as it always used to be, and his hairline was receding to meet his bald patch. But apart from that he looked exactly the same. Oh, and he was wearing a wedding ring. That was new since she’d last seen him.

  “Suzie,” he repeated. “So … so how are you? This is such a surprise,” he continued whilst tapping his pen nervously on the table.

  “Well … I’m fine,” she faltered. The video player in her head had just about reached the end of their relationship and was starting to replay the moment she’d found Antony in their bed with Charlie. She could see his pale naked buttocks pumping up and down and she remembered how her first thought had been that she’d never seen that view of him before.

  Antony looked away unable to hold her gaze and started nervously organizing paper clips in a blue plastic desk tidy.

  Eventually when she didn’t speak he looked up and furrowed his brow. He gave her a good look up and down.

  “You look great,” he said finally.

  She had tried so hard to not dress for the occasion. She desperately wanted not to care what Antony thought of how she looked but pride had won the battle and her best business suit teamed with sexy killer heels had been dusted off and deemed necessary in order to boost her confidence. It was also necessary she thought to cast herself in the role of hot-shot reporter and all-round success story. Today she wasn’t Suzie Miller, Agony Aunt for the Manchester Herald. Today she was Kate Adie, minus the bullet-proof vest, on a serious quest for the truth. Feeling nervous as Antony continued to look her up and down she wondered what Kate would do next. Take no shit and wade right in she thought. Act as if she owned the place. Ignore the battle, just get to the truth. Kate Adie had been Suzie’s idol when she was young. She hadn’t quite made it to the battlefields of the Middle East but people’s relationships was where she was obviously destined to fight for the truth.

  She sat down on a plastic chair in front of Antony’s desk and pulled her notepad from her bag. Clicking her pen, she looked squarely into Antony’s eyes and asked her first question.

  “Antony Barwood, I have reason to believe you are having an affair. Would you like to confirm that?” Bollocks she thought immediately. Kate wouldn’t ask such a closed question, what was she playing at?

  “What the …” He threw his pen down on the desk, scattering paperclips everywhere. “What the hell is this? What do you think you’re doing coming in here and asking a question like that?”

  “Antony, I’m a reporter for the Manchester Herald and I have evidence that you’re having an affair and I would like your comment … please?” she added. Damn she thought. Kate would never say please.

  “Suzie, I don’t know what the hell is going on here but I think you had better leave. No-one comes in here accusing me of having an affair.”

  “I do,” said Suzie in a low voice.

  “Oh no you don’t. I am not having a fucking affair. Now get out,” he said getting up out of his chair.

  Suzie calmly wrote on her pad while she considered her next move.

  “What are you writing down?” he shouted walking around to her side of the desk.

  “‘I am not having a fucking affair,’” said the member of Parliament for West Keeling,” said Suzie as she continued to write.

  “Give that here,” he said snatching the pad away from her and throwing it on the desk. “You do not come in here with these lies. What is this? Some kind of weird revenge for what happened to us? After what, nearly ten years? You’re sick is what you are – go and get some therapy and never come here again.”

  “I am getting therapy,” replied Suzie still sitting firmly in her chair.

  Antony stopped in his tracks on the way to open the door.

  “Good, good,” he said more quietly but with a distinct look of fear on his face. “That’s really good Suzie. Now off you pop. I’m sure your psychiatrist would not be advising you to be here now would they?”

  “Oh yes they would,” she said in a sing song voice. “This therapy is self-administered and it really is doing me the power of good.”

  “Self-administered?” he questioned. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “Well you’re entirely correct. This is revenge. You’re still such a clever chap aren’t you?” said Suzie as she spotted dark patches peeking out from his underarms.

  “Revenge?” he asked, swallowing audibly.

  “Yes.”

  “For how we broke up?”

  “Yes.”

  “But it was years ago Suzie.” he said, his hands flying up in exasperation.

  “Oh, I know. But you see you didn’t give me a chance to do it then so I’m doing it now.”

  “By accusing me of having an affair? You have to be joking. You’re sick. I married Charlotte, didn’t you hear? I would never cheat on my wife.”

  “She thinks you are,” said Suzie calmly.

  “What?” squealed Antony.

  “Cheating on her.”

  “You’ve seen Charlotte? What is this? I’m going to get someone to call security,” he said making a dive for the door again.

  “Why don’t you ask Megan,” said Suzie studying her nails nonchalantly. “I’m sure she’d be happy to oblige in any way.”

  Antony froze with the door open just a fraction.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “Just that she seems like a very obliging young girl that’s all. You must be very pleased to have her around to cater for your every need.”

  Antony closed the door again.

  “I am not having an affair,” he said through gritted teeth.

  “Let’s ask Ms. Lewinsky out there shall we?” said Suzie.

  Suzie thought Antony might explode right in front of her before he managed to calm himself enough to reply.

  “You have no proof, now get out of my office,” he said flinging the door open and stepping aside to let her out.

  “Excuse me,” a high pitched voice suddenly piped up followed by the impeccably groomed pony tail bouncing jauntily over Megan’s head.

  “Sorry to bother you Antony but the Mayor has called and would like you to call him urgently,” gushed Megan. She turned to give Suzie an apologetic smile.

  “Suzie … err Ms. Miller was just leaving,” stated Antony.

  Shit thought Suzie. What now? She knew that Antony was right. She didn’t have any proof. Only that Charlie was suspicious and suspicions regarding adultery were usually proved to be correct. “Kate Adie, Kate Adie, Kate Adie,” she muttered to herself.

  “So you’re the one whose sleeping with Antony then?” she blurted out to Megan.

  There was silence as the world adjusted to the public airing of the fact.

  Megan’s hand flew to her mouth as she gasped loudly. She l
ooked at Antony’s horrified face, his mouth was making motions to speak but nothing was coming out.

  “I’m an old friend and we’ve had a good chat,” said Suzie smiling at Antony.

  “But I thought we weren’t going to tell anyone,” interrupted Megan. I thought we were going to wait until after we were re-elected?”

  “We were re-elected?” cried Suzie unable to withhold her anger. “We? You already think you’re a we? You’ve shagged a few times behind his wife’s back. You don’t get to say we.”

  Antony grabbed Megan’s arm and pulled her into the room slamming the door behind her.

  “Keep your mouth shut,” he hissed. “She’s a reporter and a maniac so let me do the talking.”

  Megan staggered back as the situation dawned on her. “Oh God,” she kept saying over and over again as Antony pulled himself up to his full five foot seven inches and squared up to Suzie.

  “It’s your word against mine,” he said. “No-one is going to touch this on your say-so alone.”

  Suzie slapped her forehead in mock surprise. “You’re right,” she said. “Of course you’re right. Your word against mine. Well actually technically it will be Megan’s word,” she continued as she reached into a pocket and pulled out a small Dictaphone allowing Antony to glimpse it for a brief moment before she placed it in her jacket pocket, leaving her hand protectively over it.

  “How dare you,” he ranted. “Hand it over.”

  “No,” she said stepping forward so her face was barely inches from his. “Do you know what I hold in my hand? Your future. On that tiny little machine is your future and it’s in my hands. Just like you held my future in your hands all those years ago. You told me we had one. I was counting on that future and you took it away. Now I can do the same to you. How does that feel Antony?”

  Antony’s bottom lip was visibly trembling now and the smell of his sweat or maybe it was his fear had unpleasantly reached her nostrils. She stood firm, holding his gaze, ignoring Megan simpering somewhere behind him.

  “Okay, so you’ve had your fun,” said Antony slowly. “I’m sorry for what I did I really am. But let’s call it quits now shall we? You hand that thing over and you can rest easy that you got your revenge.”

  “You want your future back do you?” Suzie asked.

  “Yes. Like I said I’m sorry. Just give it to me please,” he begged.

  “No,” she said abruptly turning away. “You can’t have it because I have to give it to someone else.”

  Megan was now sobbing in a heap in a corner, her impossible tidiness in ruins.

  “No, Suzie please, you can’t do that. I’ll do whatever you want. You know that if you print that I’m finished.”

  Suzie stared at him for a long time wondering whatever she’d seen in him.

  “I might have known it would be your precious career that would be your first concern,” she spat out finally. “What about your wife Antony?”

  Antony didn’t answer. Megan was suddenly silent.

  “You’re right, I’ve had my fun,” said Suzie. “I don’t need to take this any further.”

  “Oh Suzie, thank you,” said Antony visibly sagging with the relief. “You will not regret this I promise you,” he said holding his hand out for the Dictaphone.

  “Not so fast,” said Suzie taking a step back away from him. “I’ve had my fun. But now it’s Charlie’s turn. She’s the one who’ll be getting this,” she said, tapping her pocket. “I think it should be up to her to decide your future don’t you?” Suzie turned and left the room before Megan could start sobbing again and before Antony could drop to the floor and join her.

  Chapter 17

  Dear Suzie,

  I am fast approaching forty and I thought I’d lost my chance at finding love, but everything changed when I met the perfect man six months ago. It’s like a dream come true. We get on like a house on fire and the sex is out of this world. There is just one thing getting in the way of us living happily ever after. His wife. He doesn’t want to leave her because he says it will destroy her life but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life only being able to grab a few hours here and there with the man I love. I just want to do what normal couples do. Go on a date, wake up in his arms, do the grocery shopping together. Is that too much to ask?

  Yours sincerely

  Katherine.

  Dear Katherine,

  Yes it is too much to ask. Give me one good reason why he would throw away your sex with no ties relationship. Is it really appealing to him to spend hours making small talk whilst wasting money in a fancy restaurant? Does he really want to have to hold you all night when he can have his way with you then get up and leave and go home to his own bed for a decent night’s sleep? Does he really want to discuss with you what brand of toilet cleaner to buy? No. This set up is perfect for him because he gets sex from you which allows him to not face up to the fact that there is clearly a major problem with his marriage which he needs to deal with.

  So I am calling on you and all women who currently find themselves playing the role of “the other woman” to STOP NOW. I hereby declare next Friday to be official BUNNY BOILER DAY. I ask you all to celebrate your liberation from a compromised relationship by mailing your cheating man a stuffed bunny with a note attached saying next time it will be a real one if they don’t leave you alone and start being honest with their wives.

  Be Strong

  Suzie

  “Bunnies?” mumbled Drew into his scarf as he stomped his feet in the freezing December early-morning air after Suzie had explained her latest scheme for her column.

  “You don’t have to tell me what a good idea it is,” responded Suzie staring around her at the gathered throng of journalists outside the gate at the bottom of a small leafy driveway that lead up to Antony Barwood’s Manchester residence. She allowed herself a small smile. Bunny Boiler Day was a great idea but her revenge plan for Antony was a stroke of genius. She glanced at her phone to see whether Charlie had sent her any messages. Nothing. She hoped this was a good sign.

  “So are you going to tell me what’s going on here?” asked Drew. “I still don’t get why you gave away Antony’s confession.” He reduced his voice to a whisper to avoid being overheard. “Do you have any idea what you could have done with that? Talk about giving away the opportunity for an exclusive and revenge. What were you thinking?”

  “You’ll see,” she muttered as she watched the front door of the house open to reveal Antony doing his best to look like a casual Saturday MP in his badly-fitting jeans and a skiing jacket that had clearly been nowhere near a slope. Charlie inched out from behind him wearing sunglasses and a very large three-quarter length black raincoat.

  “Oooh, bad choice,” winced Suzie. “She looks like a gas barbecue with its cover on. I can see the headlines now. MP’s Wife Gets a Good Grilling.”

  “She’s probably not overly interested in looking her best at the moment,” said Drew. “She must have a lot on her mind.”

  “But I told her to go glamorous,” muttered Suzie kicking the ground. “Fuck, what if she’s not listened to a word I said?”

  Antony and Charlie were nearly at the gate now. They were holding hands but walking in silence. Antony looked grim but determined. Charlie was impossible to read given the sunglasses. Suzie hoped they weren’t hiding red eyes. Cheerful and upbeat had been her advice, not funeral in a downpour.

  Antony stopped just the other side of the gate at the end of the drive and nodded his acknowledgement of the twenty or so reporters and photographers from all the major nationals gathered on the other side. He reached inside his jacket and pulled out a piece of paper before clearing his throat and squeezing Charlie’s hand.

  “Thank you for coming,” he said gravely. “I stand here before you today in the name of honesty and openness, something that I believe are characteristics you should expect in a Member of Parliament. And as such I feel I must tell you that I have made a mistake. A very grave mistake. Recently I ha
ve had an inappropriate relationship with a woman other than my wife. The relationship is now over. I have had the chance to be honest with Charlotte and express my extreme regret at having made this mistake.” He looked up at his wife and nodded seriously before returning to his speech. “As a public servant it is now my duty to be honest with my constituents and the great British Public. I realise that I have let everyone down and apologise profusely for that. I cannot tell you how much it grieves me to be standing here today having to make this statement. I have devoted my whole life to being a public servant and this is not something I ever envisaged would happen. I became a public servant to serve others and to make a difference in their lives.”

  He paused for a moment and looked up from his statement. The flash bulbs went wild bathing the awkward couple in a fluorescent glow. What sounded like a million voices suddenly crowded the air as the waiting hacks took their opportunity to go in for the kill.

  “Simon Andrews, the Mirror. Who was the lucky lady then Tony?

  “Richard Bartholomew, the Telegraph. Will you be resigning?”

  “Phillip Barker, the Sun. Now you’ve joined the Super-Stud MP’s club will you be appearing in Hello magazine with semi-clad women in their twenties?”

  Antony blinked in the haze of light for a moment looking startled before he managed to regain his composure. He continued with his statement but without referring to his paper.

  “I was momentarily distracted and displayed a weakness that I am not proud of. But as I said I became a public servant in order to make a difference to people’s lives and with my wife’s support I hope to continue to do that for a very long time.” Antony was now pointing into a TV camera to accentuate what he was saying to the public watching at home.

  “He thinks he’s bloody Bill Clinton,” said Suzie to Drew, horrified. “All that finger pointing. He thinks he’s going to do a Clinton and walk away unscathed.” She looked around at the crowd who were now silent, appearing to hang off his every word. She stared back at Antony unable to believe her eyes. “Look at him,” she continued to no-one in particular. “He thinks this actually might be good for his career. Hitting the headlines with a sex scandal will make him famous rather than just some idiot MP no-one’s ever heard of.” She looked at Charlie who was staring at the ground. “Oh come on Charlie. What the hell are you playing at? This is not what’s supposed to happen.”