Single Woman Seeks Revenge: Another Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  Just as he was considering making his excuses and leaving Suzie plopped herself into the chair next to him.

  “I take it we spent the party budget on the free booze and not the food,” she said prodding a rock hard piece of Christmas pudding that had been left on a plate.

  “Mmm,” he muttered trying not to stare at her lips in his cheapo-wine-fuddled state.

  They fell silent watching the hideous display of dancing that had now filled the dance floor.

  “You know it’s really weird but I have never noticed a glitter ball in here before,” she said nodding towards the ceiling. “We’ve been coming here for our Christmas do for years and I’ve never noticed it. How totally weird is that?”

  Drew did not dare to speak, so he watched Suzie stare at the glitter ball, completely mesmerized, a small smile hovering on her lips.

  “Are you thinking about that Secret Santa card?” he had to ask.

  She turned to look at him. She was heartbreakingly beautiful. He wanted to take her in his arms now. He wanted to kiss her right now.

  “Nah,” she said. “You were right. Some dipshit just trying to wind me up. What a wanker eh?”

  Kiss her, kiss her, something inside Drew pleaded.

  “Yeah, wanker,” he muttered, looking away.

  Kiss her, his whole body was shouting at him.

  Her arm brushed his as she stood up abruptly.

  “You’re not leaving are you?” he cried.

  “Stuff to do,” she replied. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Yep, sure, fine, I’ll see you later then,” he said glancing at his watch.

  She turned and walked away, Drew watching her. Idiot he thought. He should have just gone for it. He’d promised himself he was going to start living, start showing his emotions and here he was burying them as usual. And he’d seen her gaze at that glitter ball. That was hope in her eyes he was sure. He had to act tonight. He couldn’t waste this chance. Her last revenge was no excuse. Besides Suzie would forget all about revenge when he told her how he felt. It wouldn’t be important anymore.

  As the clock fast approached midnight the mood in the room changed as the DJ took it down a gear and effortlessly slid into a slow number. The ladies who earlier had been euphoric in the sisterhood of female only dancing were now merging into the bodies of their male escorts as the alcohol and romance of the moment overcame them and they succumbed to the sexy tones of Barry White.

  Suzie checked her watch. 11.58pm. Time to get into position and deliver her last revenge before the night came to an end.

  She went to fetch the suitcase that she’d stored under a trestle table at the back of the room earlier. The plan was simple, swift and with luck, effective. She was about to stride across the dance floor, when the song ended and the DJ’s voice could be heard cutting through the moment.

  “We’re coming to the end of the night now ladies and gentlemen and I have been asked to remind you to make sure you’ve collected your Secret Santa gifts. Santa says his sack is still full and he’d like to make sure you ladies empty it before you leave.” Toby completed his request with a drum roll. No-one laughed.

  “Now I’ve been asked to present one of the Secret Santa gifts personally. So at very great expense we would like to present Suzie Miller with her very own special Secret Santa.”

  Suzie stopped in her tracks at the edge of the dance floor and dropped the suitcase to the floor. What was going on? She had a job to do; she couldn’t be faffing around with Secret Santa now. Especially if it was someone’s idea of a sick joke. Music struck up and she immediately recognized the first few bars of Rick Astley’s, Never Gonna Give You Up. A million thoughts flowed like a waterfall through her mind. What the hell was going on? Why were they playing this song? God she missed Rick Astley. I wonder if he’s still sexy. Does he still have bad hair? Does he still wear purple suits?

  As the song continued she suddenly felt like crying. The words of the chorus took her straight back to her teenage years when she had her first ever kiss. Hang on a minute. Who on earth would know that? She gazed at the dance floor now empty since the smoochers had tried but failed to continue their love fest to the upbeat track. There was just one remaining person, right in the middle, standing under the glitter ball dressed as a dwarf. Drew held out a plastic cup nervously towards her. What’s he doing? Was he behind the Secret Santa message? Surely not. She gathered up her skirt in vague annoyance and scuttled across the dance floor towards him.

  He smiled pushing the plastic cup towards her.

  “It’s a weak Cinzano and lemonade,” he said nervously.

  She stared down at the cup and noticed it was shaking violently.

  She looked back up at the now white as a ghost Drew.

  “What are you doing Drew?” she asked annoyed that he was making such a show of her and getting in the way of her revenge.

  “I wanted to take you back,” he whispered.

  “You’ll have to speak up I can’t hear you,” she shouted above the din of the disco.

  He looked at her and swallowed hard. He looked down at the cup and knocked it back before throwing it over his shoulder. Then he stepped forward and took both of her hands.

  “I wanted to take you back,” he repeated. “Take you back to when you were a teenager. In that community hall you talked about. You know the one with the glitter ball and the dodgy disco and the watered down drinks.”

  “But … but why?” she asked completely bewildered.

  “Because you said that was the best time of your life,” urged Drew. “When a song came on, your song, and you got up and danced and you felt like you were in the best place in the entire universe. When you danced because you were happy not because you were pissed. When a smile from the right person could send your heart into the stratosphere for an entire week,” he paused as if waiting for a reaction. When she didn’t speak he ploughed on. “When you still had hope Suzie. When you still believed in love. That’s what I wanted your Secret Santa gift to be. For you to hope again, and believe in love again because … because …” He was breathing really quickly now as if he could quite easily hyperventilate.

  Suzie was staring at him trying to take in what he was saying. The words were entering her ears but getting jumbled up once they were lodged in her head. She tried to concentrate on making sense of whatever was going on but then she got distracted when she caught sight of the target for her final revenge over Drew’s shoulder. Suddenly Drew’s jumbled words were sucked out of her brain to be replaced with something she could make some sense of. Completing her task for the evening.

  “Drew,” she interrupted placing her hands on his shoulders. “This is all very nice and I will be sure to download Rick to my iPod. Thank you for reminding me how great he was. This is a great Secret Santa gift,” she said throwing her arms around him in an effort to complete the conversation so she could head off and have another.

  “Oh Suzie,” she heard him desperately whisper in her ear. Drew pulled away from her. “What I’m trying to say is …”

  Suzie held up her hand and signalled him to stop. “Drew,” she said. “There’s something I need to do first and then I promise you, we can reminisce all you like about the merits of Mr. Astley.”

  “But Suzie,” he said again looking frustrated now.

  “I just wanted to say I’m really happy for you,” said Toby suddenly appearing, looking nervously from Suzie to Drew. “And I’m looking forward to us all being friends,” he said giving Suzie a pointed look.

  Suzie stared at Toby. Now he was talking in riddles. Was she dreaming?

  She turned to Drew who for some reason was shaking his head violently at Toby. “Drew,” she said steadily. “I’m trying to do my last revenge.”

  “Suzie, no,” said Drew and Toby in unison. “You can stop now,” continued Drew. “You don’t have to get revenge anymore. You have to listen to me.”

  “Yeah, just drop it,” said Toby.

  “Oh that would
really suit you wouldn’t it,” said Suzie turning to Toby.

  “Don’t do it Suzie,” he said.

  “What’s going on?” said Drew suddenly looking confused.

  “Toby is my last troll,” said Suzie though gritted teeth. “And now you’ve ruined my last revenge.”

  “Mate. It was nothing,” said Toby, looking at Drew, terrified.

  “What?” said Drew staggering back. “I don’t understand.”

  “He called me after we met at your engagement party?” said Suzie. “Said he wanted to get together to do some early planning for his best man’s speech. Said he needed some good work stories so I wasn’t to tell you. We met in a bar at happy hour and well …”

  “You slept together?” said Drew incredulous.

  “Mate it was nothing, really,” protested Toby.

  “But you were engaged then!” Drew said to Toby aghast.

  “It was like I said; you know, when we had our suit fitting. I just needed to get it out of my system. It didn’t mean anything; I wasn’t to know that this was going to happen.”

  “It didn’t mean anything,” screeched Suzie. “You said you were going to break up with her but it was a lie. You never meant it, you just wanted to string me along for a bit longer.” She turned round and went to the edge of the dance floor to collect the suitcase she had left there. She dropped it with a bang at Toby’s feet.

  “See this suitcase,” she said pointing at it. “This is the suitcase I packed on the night you said you were going to leave Chloe. I was going to tell you that after all this time I’d never unpacked it. That I was still waiting for you. I wanted to frighten you. Really frighten you. Freak you out to the point where you vowed never to stray again.”

  There was silence now. The music had stopped in the absence of the DJ. Everyone was watching them.

  “Did you know he was engaged?” asked Drew staring at her in horror.

  “No, of course I didn’t. Not to start with. Not until he’d hooked me in. And then … and then …” she trailed off not knowing what to say.

  Drew shook his head in despair.

  “It was him that was engaged not me,” she protested.

  “No, no,” he said staggering back staring at her accusingly.

  “What are you looking at me like that for? He’s in the wrong Drew not me,” she said. “Why aren’t you having a go at him? Or is it that you’ve done the same thing so you have total sympathy. Is that it?”

  Drew looked like he was about to cry and he was breathing so hard it was as if someone had punched him in the stomach.

  “No,” he finally spat out. “I realized I didn’t love Emily and I had to do something before I really ruined her life. I was trying to do the right thing.”

  “Oh really,” said Suzie sarcastically.

  “Yes really,” said Drew. He paused and looked at the floor. “And I also realised that I had feelings for someone else.”

  “You see,” she cried in triumph. “You are such a cliché Drew. You slept with someone else and thought the grass might be greener. What more can I say?”

  “I did not sleep with anyone.”

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say,” she replied. “You can’t tell me you didn’t sample the pie before deciding to jump ship. You’re a man for god’s sake Drew. That’s what men do.”

  “It’s not what I do!” shouted Drew.

  “Well we’ll see shall we? The truth will out when you turn up with some gormless twenty year old in a few weeks when you think it’s a decent enough time after getting rid of Emily.”

  “There is no gormless twenty year old,” said Drew angrily.

  Suzie merely raised her eyebrows.

  Drew stared at Suzie for a long time while she stared defiantly back.

  “Look at you,” he spat at her. “You’ve got so caught up in all this Dear Suzie stuff you can’t look at any man without contempt and without assuming the absolute worst, and yet … and yet,” he faltered the tears now streaming down his face as he glanced from Toby to Suzie.

  “And yet you Suzie Miller are certainly no Snow White,” he uttered sweeping past her and out into the night. Toby ran after him and Suzie was left all alone clutching her blue shiny silk pouch in the middle of the dance floor whilst tiny specks of light glided silently around her.

  Chapter 24

  She trudged along the damp streets of Manchester, her silky yellow skirt soaking up the pavement grime, her suitcase squeaking behind her. She’d stood in the middle of the dance floor after Drew’s departure and looked round as the entire office looked on in heavy silence. The revenge had been a disaster; there was no applause, just silent stares. No-one came over to help her as she struggled with her case. Not even the women who’d she’d helped in the Ladies earlier that evening. The silence continued as she walked through the door and found herself out on the streets alone after a works Christmas party. Somewhere no-one wanted to be.

  How dare he, she kept asking herself. How dare he make her feel like she was a bad person? How dare Drew take it out on her just because he’d screwed up his oh-so-perfect life? Who the hell did he think he was? She’d thought he was her friend but clearly he wasn’t. He’d turned out to be a twat just like the rest of them.

  She turned up a garden path and stopped at the bright red door. She stood up her suitcase and rang the doorbell still muttering under her breath.

  “All men are bastards,” she declared shivering violently as Jackie flung open her front door.

  Jackie stared at her before rubbing her eyes and staring at her again. Finally she shouted over her shoulder.

  “Dave? What the hell did you put in those cocktails?”

  “Why?”

  “Because Snow White has just turned up on the doorstep.”

  “Must be Christmas” came the shout back. “Bring her in. I’ve always fancied a threesome with Snow White.”

  Jackie raised her eyebrows and motioned for Suzie to come in.

  Dave was in the lounge head-banging to Deep Purple, clearly off his head.

  “Snowy,” he cried throwing his arms out. “Santa obviously got my letter. The one I sent when I was twelve.”

  “Shut it Dave,” said Jackie. “I think something has happened.”

  “All men are bastards,” repeated Suzie throwing herself down on the sofa and burying her head in her hands.

  Jackie sat down next to her and put an arm around her. “Have them dwarves been playing you up again love?” she asked.

  “Yes,” cried Suzie. “I’ve had it up to here with bloody dwarves,” she said throwing her arms in the air.

  “Oh no,” said Dave swaying so much he had to grab hold of the mantelpiece to stop himself from falling over. “I’m not having that in this house. You can come here quoting all the Dear Suzie clap trap you like but you leave them dwarves alone. Sound as a pound they are,” he said waving his finger at Suzie.

  Suzie looked like she might burst into tears.

  “Ignore him,” Jackie said rubbing Suzie’s arm. I can’t bear those bloody dwarves either. Especially Sleepy. Typical bloke with the old sleeping trick when there’s work to be done. Lazy git.”

  Suzie looked up at Jackie gratefully. A hint of a smile hovered on her lips.

  “And as for that Doc,” continued Jackie. “Pretends to know everything about anything and actually it’s all bullshit. He’s making it all up.”

  “You’re right,” agreed Suzie. “Doc is a complete bull-shitter.”

  “And Bashful, well, complete and utter fuck up in all social situations. You can’t take him anywhere.”

  “Stop,” shouted Dave. “This is wrong,” he said before he disappeared off into the kitchen and returned with a dog-eared children’s book.

  “Here we go,” he said flicking through a few pages. “What about “Sneezy?” he asked accusingly. “I suppose you have something against Sneezy do you?”

  “Oh he’s the worst,” replied Jackie. “Permanent case of man-flu him. Not a th
ing wrong with him, just wants constant sympathy. Pathetic. Next?”

  Dave stared at them speechless.

  “Dopey’s just stupid,” said Suzie. “He tries to be all cute but actually he’s just thick, which is really irritating.”

  “Happy,” exclaimed Dave who had been quietly flicking through the book looking for the dwarf that was going to prove them wrong. “Happy is not a bastard. How can you not love Happy?” He thrust a picture of the smiley cartoon character under their faces.

  “He’s only bloody Happy because he doesn’t give a shit about anybody or anything but himself, and hasn’t got a care in the bloody world. Selfish bastard,” declared Suzie.

  Dave threw the book on the floor in frustration.

  “So,” said Jackie. “All men are bastards including the seven dwarves. That made you feel better Snow White?”

  “Much better,” replied Suzie. She knew she’d been right coming here. Jackie always knew how to cheer her up.

  “No, no, no, no, no, I can’t have this,” Dave interrupted. He walked across the room and dragged a child’s blackboard on an easel over and picked up a piece of pink chalk.

  “Right ladies,” he said. “We are going to make a list of all the men who are not bastards.”

  “Why?” said Suzie and Jackie in unison.

  “To prove the point to Dear Suzie over here that all men are not bastards, okay?” he said. Jackie and Suzie watched dubiously as Dave wrote MEN WHO ARE NOT BASTARDS across the top of the blackboard.

  “Right, I’m sure there is at least one who instantly springs to mind,” said Dave turning to look at them.

  They stared back at him blankly.

  “Me,” he shrieked. “Come on love, I did buy you that Deep Purple original.”

  Jackie glanced at Suzie who just shrugged.

  “Go on then, you can go on the list,” she said.

  “You are too kind really,” said Dave turning to write his name down. “Now come on, let’s have another one.”

  Jackie flung her head back and screwed up her eyes in concentration. All was quiet until she flung herself forward. “Barry,” she cried. “He’s okay.”