‘I never asked you to. It was all about a quick roll in the hay. Something to satisfy an itch.’ Even as the words poured out of her, she knew they weren’t true. It had been much more than that to her. It was why her heart felt as if it was in a thousand pieces. ‘We have finished now. You and I.’
He caught her wrist and held her with a firm but gentle grasp.
She twisted her hand. ‘Let me go.’
‘Never cheapen yourself that way again!’
His face went white and he swayed slightly. Instant remorse filled her soul. He might not be the man she thought he was, but he had saved her life and it had nearly cost him his own. It could still cost him his life. She needed to get him away from here. Soon all the village and the countryside would know he was a Northman.
‘Sit down. You are hurt. Let me examine you. All this can wait until later.’
‘I will heal. I’ve done so in the past without difficulty.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Please.’
‘What are you going to do? What can you do? The cut is clean. It is not bleeding overly much.’
The pallor of his cheeks told a different story. She pressed some more moss in the cut on his arm and wrapped seaweed about it. The cut on his chest looked superficial.
‘I’m going to try to save your life. Then we will be quits, but we will never go back to what we had.’
‘I love you, Alwynn.’
‘I doubt you even know the meaning of the words.’ She turned on her heel and walked away. ‘You knew what you were and how this was going to end. You never risked your heart.’
* * *
She stood looking over the smouldering remains for a long time. Violent shivers came over her as she thought about what had almost happened and she knew sleep would evade her for many weeks to come. She wanted to be so busy doing things she did not have time to think. She also knew that she never wanted to believe in anyone or anything again.
‘Stepmother! Stepmother!’ Merri rushed up to her. ‘Our Valdar was the hero. Everyone says so...well, everyone but Urien and she is not in her right mind.’
‘What is Urien saying?’
‘That he brought this terrible misfortune on all of us. That he was in league with those men.’ Merri’s face crumpled. ‘If that was true, we’d all be dead. We would never have survived. And why would they attack this farmhouse? There are more treasures in the church and the hall. Valdar knew that. He stopped them from destroying everything.’
Alwynn put a hand on Merri’s shoulder. Merri was real flesh and blood. She should be thinking about her not mourning something which could never come to pass. Valdar was a totally different man from the idol she had built up. But Merri was right. Because Valdar was here, these men had been stopped. They would not harm anyone else. Her insides felt as if they had been ripped to shreds.
‘I’m very grateful to Valdar. He saved my life,’ she said around a lump in her throat. Saved her life and broke her heart all at the same time.
‘Shall they take him back to the hall?’
‘Valdar says he won’t go. One of the monks has re-wrapped his arm and his chest with seaweed.’ Merri’s eyes sparkled. ‘He said that you did a good job, but were probably distracted because the one on the arm wasn’t tight enough.’
Alwynn clasped her hands together so tightly the knuckles stood out. Monks had arrived. Who else? She peered at the scene and saw that the place swarmed with villagers. It was only a matter of time before they discovered Valdar was truly a Northman and then... Her mind shied away from the picture.
‘I didn’t realise that any had come,’ she said in a toneless voice. ‘I’m not myself. I don’t think I have been myself for the entire summer.’
‘But you have started singing again. Please say you will still sing. No matter what.’
Alwynn stroked Merri’s hair. The hair was soft as silk against her fingers. She shuddered to think what those depraved monsters would have done if they had got their paws on this sweet girl.
Lust. It was little wonder that the priests warned against it.
‘You should keep your head covered,’ she said when Merri gave her a questioning glance. ‘You are growing up. I won’t have people saying that you are allowed to run wild. I want you to make a good match.’
Merri gave a weak laugh and leant back against her. ‘Same old stepmother. You never change. Always worrying.’
Her heart thumped in her chest. It surprised her that it was still beating. It felt as if there was a huge hole where it had once been. Merri might think she had not changed, but she knew she was not the same woman she’d been before Valdar had appeared.
Her fist clenched. She needed to get back to that woman who knew what she wanted from life and was content in her garden. She wanted the old certainties to return. She had to make them return.
She pressed her lips against Merri’s hair. ‘It’s my job to worry about you, sweetling.’ Her entire body was numb and it seemed as if she was moving in a dream, a waking nightmare. She watched the villagers’ faces. None tried to hide their joy at the rout of the Northmen. Several sang Valdar’s praises and openly wondered if he could be enticed to stay.
With each new adulation of Valdar, her stomach tightened. She wanted to scream that he wasn’t the hero he seemed. But if she did that, he’d be torn apart before her eyes. And she knew her heart could not bear that.
She had betrayed so many people in her headlong lust for Valdar. It was her fault and only she could make it right.
She stared at the pile of bodies and knew what she had to do. It was what she should have done days ago when Valdar first appeared. Going against the rules had not made her stronger. It had endangered everyone she cared about. And she had to do it right this time.
‘I need a rider! I need to send a message to the king.’
Chapter Thirteen
Valdar lay in Gode’s hut, alone. Alwynn’s words about not risking his heart circled around and around his brain. He could have explained about the curse, but what was the point? He had already lost her.
He had inwardly wept to see the pointless carnage. There had been nothing at that farm to interest Girmir. He had simply wanted to destroy. He did not believe for a heartbeat Girmir’s story about searching for the missing lad. Girmir had probably murdered Eirik Thorenson in the woods.
Somewhere there was a boat and the bounty from the voyage, assuming it had not all been lost during the storm. By rights it belonged to him, but he didn’t want it.
He sincerely wished he had found them before they’d done this to people he cared about. Northumbrians were not weak or simple-minded. They were a good strong people and he’d been proud to call some of them friends. He might not have risked his heart, but he had taken them to his heart, particularly Alwynn, all the same.
‘Why didn’t I die earlier?’ he muttered. ‘It would have made things much simpler.’
But even as he said the words, he knew they were a lie. He wanted to live because he wanted to see Alwynn again. Even an Alwynn who hated him for his heritage. He wanted her to see beyond that to the man inside.
A noise made him turn his head. Alwynn was silhouetted in the fading light.
‘Merri said that you wanted to see me.’
‘You need to know the truth, Alwynn. So you can judge me fairly. You need to understand what brought me here.’
‘Everyone thinks you are a hero. Even Gode. Well, everyone except Urien, who appears to be out of her head. The monks think she is touched by demons. She has even accused them of being Northmen.’ She plucked at the skirt of her gown and spoke to the ground. ‘I can’t bring myself to tell them differently. Not yet. They need to believe in heroes.’
He winced at the words. Everything was wrong between them. He wanted to go back to how it was before. And that was impossible. Girmir’s raid stood between them. She now saw him as one of them, rather than as he was, as he wanted to be for her—a good and honourable man.
‘You should n
ever have gone to that farm on your own.’
‘You should have told me of the very real possibility of Northmen and I wouldn’t have ventured from the hall.’
He ran a hand through his hair. Each word cut into his heart. ‘I wanted to protect you. I thought I could find them before anyone else, before they did any damage. I didn’t want to alarm you.’
‘They are right, you know,’ she continued as if she hadn’t heard him. ‘You did save me in the end. I should never have gone there. I thought it was Urien or a couple of vagabonds. I thought Northmen raiders were a tale of Oswald’s. Only you knew differently.’
‘I told you not to leave the hall.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘After Theodbald died, I swore that I’d only believe in real things. Things I could touch and see. And yet I fell for your lie. I kept offering myself excuses, explaining away every doubt that came into my mind. What a gullible fool you must have thought me.’
‘Never that. You did what you thought was right.’ He put out his hand and captured her fingers. This time she did not pull away.
The small gesture did much to steady his nerves. There had to be a way of making Alwynn see why he’d kept his heritage a secret.
‘You need to know why I am here.’
‘You already told me. You jumped off a ship in a storm. No doubt you thought you would save lives. Ever the bold hero.’
Valdar shook his head. ‘You need to know I was a coward who did nothing. I joined the felag because I couldn’t stand to see the woman I thought I loved pregnant with another man’s child, her beloved husband’s child. The felag was supposed to find new markets, but every market was closed to us because of the Lindisfarne raid. And those people who would trade with us offered far less than they should have. You might hate the Viken for the raids, but I hate them for it as well. Our two countries have been at war for years and now we were being made to pay for something they did.’
‘Is this supposed to make me feel sorry for you? It doesn’t surprise me that you loved a woman who couldn’t love you back.’
Valdar rapidly explained about Horik, the mutiny and its aftermath. How he’d known that they would kill him and how he hated that he’d failed his friend. How he’d changed the stones and taken the boy’s place. How he thought the ship had continued towards home without him and how he’d planned to go back and denounce them after he’d fulfilled his obligation to her.
Despite everything, he could see Alwynn listening. Silently he pleaded with her to believe. He had never felt so naked and vulnerable before a woman. He was utterly defenceless against her and she could kill all his desires with a glance.
When he finished his recital, she was quiet.
‘Well?’ he asked into the silence.
‘Girmir killed the boy you sought to save?’
‘Apparently. Girmir went mad after the mast broke in the storm. He’d thought that the gods should have been appeased by offering them my death. Then he slaughtered the last of the decent men. From what I could gather, once they reached the shore, the lad ran off into the woods to escape Girmir. Only Girmir returned. I spoke the truth when I said that no Northman stole sheep. It doesn’t make any sense why they would. Maybe one if they were starving, but not a whole flock. Someone else is blaming the Northmen for stealing sheep.’
‘How convenient.’ Her mouth twisted. ‘We came here to plunder and possibly rape, but not to steal sheep.’
Valdar collapsed back against the bedding. The memory of her eyes would haunt him. The time had come to explain. He no longer risked losing her. With each breath she slipped further away and he hadn’t realised how much he needed her. ‘Believe what you like, but I’m a warrior and make war on warriors who threaten my home and my family. I am also a merchant who knows the value of trade. I came in search of gold and new markets for my goods. My lands produce amber, soapstone and fur. I am proud to be from Raumerike. It is a good land filled with good people. I may have failed my friend when he was murdered, but you made me believe that I could be a worthy man again.’
‘Those men came to kill, not to trade.’ A violent shiver went down her back and she ran her hands up and down her arms. ‘He was going to...going to...’
He wanted to grab his sword and run Girmir through again. The sheer violence of his reaction astonished him. He concentrated on the way the light hit her hair.
‘We came to trade, but then there was a mutiny. Every land has its share of bad men, even this one. I should have seen the signs in Girmir earlier. I should have held the watch like Horik wanted me to, instead of switching with one of the other men because I was exhausted from squinting into the sun and navigating. But Girmir could also be quite amusing, charming, convincing. It was easier to laugh and turn a blind eye. For my shame I never expected him to go as far as he did.’
‘But he actually meant it.’
‘Once it started, there was little I could do. At first, I thought one of the other men would defeat him. Horik had two close kin sailing with us. But Girmir had arranged for their deaths.’
At her incredulous look, he added, ‘They needed me alive to navigate. They took my sword and knives. But despite Girmir’s promises, I knew I would never step foot on the shore of my home again. He would have slit my throat as soon as we spied the shores of Raumerike.’
‘How did you get away?’
Valdar put a hand over his eyes. ‘When I thought Girmir was about to sacrifice the boy, I rigged the draw so I was chosen. The boy kept my bonds loose and I was able to wriggle free and swim. That lad saved my life and Girmir killed him. I should have taken him with me. I could have kept him alive.’
‘You barely survived—a young lad would have had no chance. But the storm washed you ashore where I discovered you. Where I was all too willing to believe your lies.’
Each word cut into his soul. He knew he deserved them and more for what he’d inadvertently done to her. He wanted to get his Alwynn back, the woman who believed in him and cherished him. This summer had shown him how precious a good woman was. And he could feel her slipping away from him with every breath he took.
Valdar reached out to her. ‘You were and are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. I thought you were a Valkyrie when I first saw you. A shield maiden of Odin. But you are better than that. You are flesh and blood. The time we have had together...’
Alwynn put two fingers against his mouth, stopping him before he said something that they’d both regret. She should never have come. It would have been easier if she hadn’t. But just to hear the possibility of those words sent her heart soaring and she hated that her feelings for him still had life.
But she also knew someone had to tell him what she had done and why. What he faced. She had just not expected it to be so difficult.
‘That is over between us. That was then and this is now.’ She pressed her hands together and tried not to remember how soft and yielding his lips were against her hand. ‘What passed between us should never have happened. It must never happen again.’
‘I love you, Alwynn. I’ve been lying here, racking my brains, trying to figure out a way we can be together.’ He caught her hands in his good one. ‘Tell me that you can see beyond my past. That you can see the real me. Tell me that you want me to be that man for always.’
She hated that her heart leapt anew and screamed yes. She dampened it down. He had used her before and now he was attempting to use her again. She withdrew her hands.
‘You want me to abandon my home and go north with you to an uncertain future.’
‘I have land. A great estate. My sister-in-law would welcome you.’
‘And the woman you thought you loved?’ She hated that the beginnings of tears pricked her eyes. ‘Valdar, you don’t know what love is. You knew what would happen once I found out. You didn’t risk your heart at all. You’ve no idea about love and honesty.’
He closed his eyes. ‘It might be tricky at the start, but I’m confident my jaarl would reach the ri
ght decision.’
‘One which favours you.’
‘We could find a life there. But if he decides against me, we can find somewhere else. There will be a place that we can be together. I’ve a strong arm and am not afraid to work hard, but we belong together.’
She stared at him.
That she actually was prepared to think about it frightened her. She was supposed to hate him. She had come here to tell him how much she hated him. And now her heart was screaming that she should say that she would go to the ends of the earth on little more than a promise. That she should accept this man who had lied to her.
‘When did you know the Northmen were here?’ Her voice broke as she stumbled to get the last few words out. ‘The truth.’
‘Once I learnt of Oswald’s story about seeing the boat for the second time, I figured out that they had to be around,’ he admitted. ‘Girmir is no navigator. He would never have been able to get home and raise another felag in that short amount of time. And it could be no other boat because of the figurehead.’
‘So you knew.’
‘The gods had truly given me a chance to start over, or so I thought. I could fulfil my obligation to Horik’s shade, kill Girmir, and everything would be fine. I wanted to find them and confront them before they did any more harm.’ He raised up on an elbow and his eyes became lit with a fire. ‘Then I could concentrate on the life I wanted to lead with you, the one we both dreamt about.’
‘And you never thought to warn me or my people?’ She held out her hands. ‘Didn’t you think we deserved to know the monsters who prowled in the dark? Or were we to be bait for them?’
‘I was scared of losing you,’ he admitted. ‘What we had together...’
‘...was a lie,’ she finished for him. ‘From the very beginning to the end. It was built on an untruth. And you have lost me. Or rather, you never really had me to begin with. You should have told me who you were.’
‘I told you I was from Raumerike. There are many lands to the north filled with different kinds of people. We are not all raiders and pirates. I am a farmer and a merchant. I use my sword to defend, not to steal.’ His eyes flashed. ‘And you speak of me keeping my heart safe, but what about you, my lady? I may not be the perfect prince you thought I was, but I am still the man who fought for you, who risked his life for you.’
Summer of the Viking Page 20
