Becoming Faith

by Joy Eileen

  “You need to stop thinking so much,” Kill whispered in my ear, bringing me out of my head.

  “How do you know what I was thinking?”

  “Because you’re chewing on the inside of your lip. And you look like you’re about to puke.”

  I looked up to notice the rest of the band nodding in agreement.

  “I do not look like I’m going to puke,” I said, defending myself. Even though I kind of did want to puke.

  “You’re pretty easy to read, sis,” Van said, sitting across from me.

  “Didn’t you have a surprise for me?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

  Jet clapped his hands together and bounced Amy on his lap. “Can I give it to her?” he begged, his puppy dog eyes set on high.

  “Yeah, go get it,” Kill answered him, making me even more curious.

  Normally, the things Jet was excited to give anyone had something to do with his self proclaimed sex god title. I definitely didn’t want anything to do with that. That was all Amy’s.

  Jet came back seconds later, carrying a rectangle wrapped in newspaper. He handed it to me and stood there, humming with excitement. “Open it,” he urged, his honey eyes shining.

  My eyes sought Kill’s, remembering the last time I’d opened a gift Jet and Amy had given me. Kill laughed, probably thinking of the bright green dildo I’d opened at the diner on my birthday.

  “It’s safe, Slick.”

  With his okay, I tore the paper off with the same enthusiasm I had with any gift I received. The shocked gasp that left me echoed through the bus. My vision swam, pulling things out of focus. With a shaking hand, I caressed the cover while I tried to convince myself it was real.

  “Your publisher sent it over yesterday. I wanted to surprise you,” Kill said.

  I turned the book over again and again. “It’s so pretty. I kind of want to lick it,” I said in a hushed tone. The awareness that I was holding a copy of my book in my hands penetrated my thick skull.

  “That’s my Faithy. I knew I would start to influence you soon enough,” Jet said, bending down to give me a hug. “Congratulations. I can’t wait to read it.”

  With Hope’s Journey clutched to my chest, I gave everyone a watery smile.

  “I’m so proud of you.” Van beamed.

  “Let’s get a picture of you holding that puppy on your website and social media.” Amy grabbed her camera and fired up her laptop.

  “That’s a great idea. I’m happy for you, Faith. I’ve always wanted to write a book, but it was never in the cards for me. I’ll just have to live vicariously through you,” D said.

  “I’m so fucking proud of you, Slick. When can I read the third one?” Kill asked, his hand on my thigh.

  “It's not even done yet. And I told you, not until it comes back from its final edits.” My voice shook. I continued to stare down at the book, my book, in my hands.

  “Smile wide,” Amy said, holding her camera to her face.

  Kill leaned away so he was out of the picture, but I pulled him back in. “This is your time, Slick. It’s all you.” He kissed me on the forehead before once again moving out of the frame.

  Once Amy got the picture she wanted, she started clicking away on her computer.

  “Amy, does your camera have a timer on it?” I asked.

  “It does,” she responded, not looking up from her computer.

  “Get in here. I want a picture of all of us together. This is the beginning of big things.”

  The boys pushed and shoved until they were where they wanted to be. Amy set up her camera and hurried to get in the shot. After a series of clicks, Amy ran back to her camera and pressed a button to review the pictures. Her smile widened, and I knew she got the one.

  “Let me see,” I yelled at her impatiently when she continued to stare at the camera.

  Amy handed it to me, and my heart swelled with happiness. All of us were together, smiling and eager for what was to come. Kill leaned in close to me, and even in the picture you could see how secure we were with our relationship. I passed the camera around to show everyone. Once her camera was back in her hands, Amy got back to work.

  The boys decided to play video games to pass the time. The exhaustion I felt earlier came back with a vengeance. I leaned my head on Kill’s shoulder, but when it was his turn to play, his shoulder became too shaky to be comfortable.

  “I’m going to go lie down. The bus is putting me to sleep.” I kissed Kill, and still clutching my book, I climbed in our rack and went straight to sleep.

  The first official JackholeS concert was in San Diego, California. The drive shouldn’t have been that long, but Gunther got stuck in traffic, making the trip last forever. Or at least that was what the boys told me. I slept the whole way.

  Kill laughed when he noticed I had slept clutching Hope’s Journey the whole drive.

  Lissa was already at the hotel when we got there. She handed us our keycards and proceeded to go over the agenda for the next day.

  “You want to get something to eat?” D asked when we got on the elevator.

  “You hungry, Slick?” My stomach growled as soon as the word hungry left Kill’s mouth. “I’ll take that as a yes. Let’s get settled in, and we’ll meet you in the lobby in forty-five.”

  Everyone agreed, and we dispersed into our rooms to wash off the travel grime. I collapsed on the bed before Kill could even close the door. Even though I’d slept all day, I would’ve had no problem climbing under the comforter and passing out.

  “Let’s take a shower, Slick. It’ll help wake you up.”

  I lifted my arms off the bed but let them drop after a second, not having the strength to keep them up any longer.

  “Those kids did a number on you,” he said, walking into the large bathroom and starting the shower.

  With every bit of energy I had I sat up to get a better view of Kill. Even on my death bed, I would move heaven and hell to catch a glimpse of Kill naked.

  His eyes caught mine in the mirror and his half-smile showed up, letting his dimples come out and play. Without unlocking his gaze he stripped his shirt off, making saliva pool in my mouth. Kill’s sculpted back moved as he continued to watch me in the mirror. He turned, giving me an unhindered view of his sculpted abs. My eyes traced each defined line as I had done so many times before with my tongue, eyes, and fingers.

  His fingers went to his jeans stopping as soon as the button popped out of its hole. “Your turn,” he said, his hands steady by his zipper.

  Energy zinged through me, bringing me out of my sleeping haze. Kill’s naked abs were amazing motivational tools. My hands pulled my shirt up and tossed it behind me. My bra wasn’t far behind. Kill’s pupils dilated. He surveyed my newly bare skin and took a step toward me, but I stopped him.

  “I believe it’s your turn, Killer.”

  A pained expression crossed his face. Sucking in a large breath, Kill’s eyes never left mine as he toed off his shoes and shucked off his jeans. His erection sprang free and bounced as if it was excited to be out.

  “Somebody’s happy to see me.” I laughed. I stood and pulled my jeans and underwear down.

  I channeled my inner diva and strutted to him, my breasts bouncing as I walked. Kill’s eyes kept glancing at them.

  He inhaled sharply when I stood right in front of him. “I’ll show you how much he missed you.”

  I jumped on the counter and spread my legs. His erection bounced as he pulled me closer to the edge. I pushed into him and he hissed at the pressure. My hands pressed against the cool mirror as the bathroom steamed up.

  “Let’s get you cleaned up and ready for dinner.” His voice was full of dark desire, and the words took a second to register.

  “Oh shit, dinner. I forgot we need to hurry.”

  “I can hurry. I’ve been thinking about you all day, Slick. Besides, we still need to work on perfecting our quickies. They may be all we’ll have time for in the next couple months.”

  The steam o
f the bathroom engulfed us and made it feel like we were in our own little world. My muscles relaxed on contact as the hot water pounded down on them. I snuggled into Kill, just letting the shower do its job. Lust surged through me, and I wiggled against him. Kill lifted me up and gently impaled me, giving my body time to adjust to him, slowly heightening my arousal.

  The shower was big enough I was able to lean all the way back on the tiled wall. The water streamed down in between us, making our bodies glisten in the steam.

  “You’re so beautiful,” Kill said. His hands planted on my waist, and he began to move my body up and down his thick shaft.

  The hot water hit me in my most sensitive area, bringing me close to the edge quickly. I used my position against to wall to move up and down, getting more friction where I hungered for him.

  “That’s it, Slick,” Kill urged, his fingers digging deeper into my skin, circling my hips.

  A scream pushed out of me. Every nerve ending pulsed with electricity. “I’m going to come.”

  Kill bent down and sucked my nipple into his mouth. He slammed further into me, pushing me higher. My body erupted into a shaking mess of satisfaction. Kill continued to suck on my nipple as he thrust into me, finding his release. His movements became frantic, and when he came, his teeth bit into the sensitive skin on my neck, causing electric pulses over my entire body.

  I felt liquid as Kill placed me on my feet and helped me wash my shaking limbs. When we were all clean, Kill snapped the shower off, bringing us back to reality.

  “Let’s go get dinner,” Kill said as we stumbled out of the bathroom.

  Now that my Kill needs had been sated for the time being, my stomach rumbled, ready for attention.

  The roar of the fans was riotous. Amy and I walked through the crowd, encased in their energy. I had a death grip on Amy’s arm, afraid I would lose her in the activity surrounding us.

  “We’re not in Ray’s anymore,” I screamed out so Amy could hear me.

  “This is incredible. I’ve never seen it this hectic. Even when they sold out in their other venues.” Amy bounced around and it was powerless not to get swept up in the excitement around us.

  “I want to get a shirt.” I pulled her toward the merch table, wanting an official JackholeS tour T-shirt.

  As we waited in line behind the exuberant fans, Amy pinched my arm.

  “Ouch, what was that for?” I asked, making the couple in front of us turn around.

  “Shhh,” Amy hissed. “Watch the merch guy,” she whispered.

  Afraid she would pinch me again, I did as she ordered. At first I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, but then I noticed it. Amy pinched me again, but this time I was too focused on what I saw to hit her back.

  My legs moved before I realized what I was doing. I marched up to the merch booth, Amy in toe. People yelled at me, thinking I was cutting, but I didn’t pay them any mind.

  “Listen, lady, you’re going to have to wait in line just like everyone else.”

  “Get your stuff and get the hell out of here, Lenny,” I told the kid, reading his name tag.

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “We saw you putting money in your pocket after every cash sale. Get your shit and get the hell out of here like the lady said,” Amy screamed even louder, causing the people in line to stir.

  “You’re crazy,” Lenny cried, his eyes taking on a look of panic, knowing he was caught.

  “What’s going on here?” Lissa asked, walking behind the merch stand.

  “This douchebag’s stealing from my man.” Amy pointed her little shaking finger at Lenny.

  “What are you talking about?” Lissa rolled her eyes at Amy’s dramatics.

  “We were in line waiting to buy a shirt, and Amy noticed with every cash purchase good ole Lenny boy’s stuffing his pockets.” I placed my hand on Amy’s shoulders, trying to calm her down.

  “They’re lying,” Lenny interrupted, his hands dipping in his pants.

  “Empty your pockets,” Lissa commanded.

  “No,” Lenny cried, attempting to jump over the merch stand.

  Amy and I grabbed the fleeing thief by the back of the shirt and pulled him to the ground.

  “Get off me,” he cried, kicking and screaming.

  “Get up. I’m taking you to the police.” Lissa grabbed him out of our grasp. “This stand’s closed until we can get someone else to take over.”

  The people in the crowd started yelling and booing, since the concert was about to start.

  “It’s not closed. Amy and I will take over.”

  “No, the label will find someone else,” Lissa said with more venom than necessary.

  “Nope, not going to happen. I’m on this tour with them. I can take over merch sales and do my website designs. That way I know they aren’t getting gypped.”

  I nodded my head and looked at the person next in line. They held out their phone, recording the whole spectacle. “What can I get you?” I asked, smiling brightly into his phone’s camera.

  “This is ridiculous. I need to talk to the label. Come on, Lenny,” Lissa snarled, dragging a ballistic Lenny behind her.

  Amy and I had the line finished before Van started in on the first song. Amy noticed me craning my neck to get a glimpse. “Go watch them.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked, already walking out of the booth.

  “I watched them plenty when I went on tour with them before. Just make sure to come back before the last song, so you can help me with the line.”

  I kissed her on her forehead and ran to watch Kill and the boys.

  The lights were dim as I moved closer to the stage.

  “It’s you,” a man’s husky voice rasped in my ear. His hand grabbed onto my wrist before letting it go as if I burned him.

  I twirled around, my eyes taking a moment to focus. The crowd and the music eclipsed the scream wanting to rip out of my throat.

  A man I’d never seen before glared at me, while Kill’s voice boomed through the speakers. I took in his angry stare. He tried to intimidate me with his long, lanky body. His flannel shirt hung off his shoulders, making him seem scarecrow-esc. I glanced around, hoping someone would come to my rescue, but everyone was focused on the stage.

  “I’m sorry, do I know you?”

  “Don’t act innocent,” he spat. “Don’t pretend with me. I know what type of person you are. You ruin people’s lives and reap the benefits.”

  “What?” My head swirled as I tried in vain to figure out what he was talking about.

  “Jason.”

  That one word. That one name caused every nerve to catch fire, short-circuiting my brain with terror.

  “What about Jason?” I asked, proud my voice wasn’t as breathless as I thought it would be, since all the air had rushed out of my lungs.

  “You let him go!” he screamed, not bothering to stay quiet with the noise around us. “You selfish bitch. You didn’t press charges. He wasn’t punished. You just let him go so he could hurt someone else. Not caring because you were safe hiding behind your boyfriend. He’s invincible because you refused to think of anyone but yourself, and now he has my fucking sister, Maddy.”

  I leaned against the wall, refusing to allow my knees to give out, like they so desperately wanted to. I still hadn’t regained my strength from being sick. The adrenaline was the only thing keeping me upright.

  “I didn’t just let him go,” I said, giving him a weak argument.

  His hands thrust through his hair before jamming them in his back pockets. His entire face was red, and his thin shoulders were scrunched up to his ears.

  “What did you do, huh? Write a book with a false name. Yeah, that really got to him.”

  “I couldn’t just mention his name. His father has friends in the police force back home. High-ranking friends. He would sue me for slander, and then my book wouldn’t help anyone.”

  “I don’t want to hear excuses. I want to know where my sister is. I
want her to be safe. And I want you to get off your ass and do something to stop him from hurting again. Like you should have done in the beginning.”

  “I’m not giving you excuses.” My voice was calm. I wanted to scream at him, but when he mentioned his sister it showed how much he was hurting. He needed someone to blame, and I was the lucky winner.

  “I had a restraining order on him, and it was pushed under the rug. The regular route wasn’t working. You have no idea what I’ve suffered through. I decided to go a different way. You may not want to believe it, but I want to help people get away from abuse in their lives. Would you like to tell me about your sister? I can help you.”

  “You missed your chance to help me. Now you hide behind your book, pretending you’re doing something good. At no point did you testify about what he’s capable of. Maddy’s the sweetest person I’ve ever known. She believed he was wrongly admitted into the facility. Being that you didn’t dispute it, there was no reason she wouldn’t believe him. Now we have no idea where she is. You helped him take my sister from us.”

  “This is the only thing I could think of to get the word out. To give women hope that their life can go on after escaping abuse. Even if it’s scary as hell, it’s possible.” Now my voice was rising. He may have been upset and scared for a loved one, but he had no right to judge me or my actions.

  “No, you let him win. You did nothing. You could have done so much more. Especially, with your rockstar boyfriend. But instead you decided to hide behind him for your own safety.” He pointed to Kill on stage, being worshipped by his fans. “Jason should be destroyed. Instead, he has my sister, and we have no idea where they are.” The desperation in his voice made him sound shrill.

  “There’s nothing Kill could do. He has a private investigator looking for Jason. He’s been on the case for months, following his activity. When he got released, he lost him. We’re doing this the smart way. It would be slander if we made allegations we can’t prove. It would give him even more power.” I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted him to understand what he was asking was impossible.