As sickening as it made me feel I had to try to keep myself together enough to be hopeful. If Ash was really inside fighting to come back to us she needed to know I’d be right here waiting and so did her piece of shit father.
So I did what anyone in my situation would have done.
I waited for an ambulance to back into the emergency department. While they climbed in the back to unload the patient, I walked in with them, asking about the patient as if I was there for them.
In an instant I was inside of the department, finally on the other side of those security doors.
An electronic board was lit up with patient’s names and room numbers. I located Ashley’s and headed toward it, staying focused on what was in front of me insisted on making it obvious that I was sneaking around.
Her father sat in a chair next to her mother, but Ash still wasn’t back. I quickly turned to avoid being spotted, but it was too late.
“What are you doing back here?”
“The same thing you are. I’m waitin’.”
“Shayne, I told you to go home.”
“And I told you that I wasn’t leavin’. I have every right to be here and you know it. In fact, I know for a fact that Ash wouldn’t even want you here. The only reason you are is because I called you. So instead of pushin’ me away, you should be thankful. I’m not leavin’ her. She needs to know that I’ve been here this whole time.”
“It’s not going to make a bit of a difference, boy. If she never wakes up again you’re going to go out and find yourself a new girlfriend. You really think you were going to play house and make it work?”
That really pissed me off. I crossed my arms over my chest. “Yeah, I do. I asked her to marry me and she said yes. She wants to have my name and be my wife. We’re family already and there ain’t nothin’ you can say to me that will change that. You think you can just scare me away? You’ve got another thing comin’. I don’t give a shit who you are. You will not interfere in our lives like this.”
He stood up and looked past me. “Nurse, can you please escort this kid out of here. Get security if you have to.”
The nurse rushed in, taking my arm. I fought free and stared into Ashley’s dad’s eyes. “I won’t leave her. You can do whatever you want, but I’m not leavin’.”
He waved sarcastically as I was being pulled by a set of stronger hands.
Back outside in the waiting room I was sat down and warned not to come to the back until I was permitted. This was my last warning or I’d be asked to leave the hospital.
Everyone waiting stared at me, as if I’d committed a crime. I leaned my elbows on my knees and covered my face with hands again. This was ridiculous that I couldn’t be in there. I was stuck and didn’t know what to do. My options had expired.
Two feet stood in front of me. They weren’t white hospital shoes, or even the fancy ones that Ash’s dad was wearing. These were the same boots that he’d worn since we were teenagers. He kept buying them even when they were out of style.
Slowly I looked up to see my cousin standing there. “I figured you could use some company.” He sat down beside me and crossed his arms.
After all I’d done to my cousin, after all Ash had done, he was there, sitting beside me when I felt like I was all alone. I couldn’t muster up the courage to say anything more than, “Thanks.”
Chapter 20
Shayne
For hours Ford had done his best to try and keep me occupied. He got the nurse to change the channel on the television and we watched some old western. Then we talked football, my new job and even the house that I’d already started fixing up. I didn’t know if he meant it, but he’d even offered to let me take Friday’s off to work on the house.
Since I hadn’t started the job, I worried with Ash being in the hospital if I’d even be able to start. I couldn’t leave her alone if she needed me.
My mind raced around again, imagining her not waking up. It broke my heart each time more than the one before it. I think Ford realized it, because he’d change the subject or say something that had nothing to do with out last conversation.
“Do you remember that time that I snuck Ash to the beach house and she ended up pukin’ all over your grandma’s bed?”
I laughed, remembering us trying to figure out how to work the washing machine to get the sheets washed before anyone found out that we’d invited people over. It was my first party of many, but the one that stood out for me. I’d been a freak about nobody making a mess or breaking anything. Even when it got out of hand none of that happened. Then, after the strangers had left, Ash decided to take Ford into my grandmother’s bedroom. He came out a few minutes later covered in red barf.
The worst part was that it smelled so strong of food and liquor that he spent the rest of the night with his head in the toilet. Harley was the one to help me clean up the house and hide all of the proof that it ever happened. “Thank God for Harley that night. We would have never been able to stay the night there again.”
I could tell that hearing me say her name got to Ford. He was doing better, but it still bothered him. “Yeah, she was always good at savin’ our asses.”
He fidgeted with his hands while I thought of a way to change the subject. “I don’t want to lose her, Ford. I know you probably don’t get it, but I love her so much.”
“I know, cuz. I know you do. No man would take on someone else’s children unless he loved their mother. I know you said you were goin’ to take care of them, but it would have been difficult if you didn’t already have feelin’s for Ash. I loved her for a long time, and even after all the shit we went through, I hate to know she’s goin’ through this.”
It wasn’t until the sun was coming up that I saw her father walk outside.
Ford was still sleeping next to me, but I couldn’t close my eyes for even a second. My focus was on that security door that separated me from being with Ash.
The moment I saw the man, I stood up and approached him. He wasn’t going to shut me down this time.
“You can’t keep me out here. I belong in there by her side.”
He looked down at the floor and shook his head, then flagged the new triage nurse down. “This man has my permission to go back and see my daughter. She’s in room thirty-two.”
As much as I was in shock, I noticed that he hadn’t slept either. His eyes were red, as if he’d actually been upset. Since I’d never seen him show any emotion before, this scared me. Before following the triage nurse I turned to him. “How bad is it?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and waited for his news. Whatever it was, I needed to know.
“It’s not good, Shayne. It’s not good at all. I need to go make some calls and then I’ll come back in and explain. You better get in there and say your goodbyes, just in case you don’t get a chance to do it later on.”
He may as well have kicked me right in the gut. The mere shock of what he said caused me to freeze in place. I was at a loss for words. My body started to move again when I felt the nurse touching my arm. She pulled me along, passing other rooms until we got the room number that Ashley’s dad had stated.
Her mother saw me come in and stood up.
I put one hand up, causing her to stop. “He said I could.”
She grabbed her purse anyway. “I’ll give you some time.”
Before I could ask what was happening, or what the doctors actually said, she was gone. I was left there looking down at a person on the hospital bed that I didn’t recognize. Her head was wrapped in bandages and tubes were both in her nose and mouth. My bottom lip began to tremble as I glanced at every inch of her. The only comfort was hearing the monitor and machines letting me know she was still breathing and alive.
I touched her hand, so relaxed and frail. The tears fell down my cheeks and I didn’t even care. “Jesus, baby, what’s happened to you?” I whispered and I rubbed her hand with my thumb.
After pulling a chair up closer, I sat there waiting for some ki
nd of sign. All I wanted was for her sparkling eyes to open and see me sitting there waiting for my girl to be alright.
I’m not really sure if it was five minutes or fifteen, but I heard her father clearing his throat I kept my focus on Ash as I spoke. “What are they sayin’?”
“It’s the same as before. The doctor says the first two weeks are the hardest. They were able to relieve the pressure, but she suffered a stroke before they operated. Shayne, I don’t know how much you understand about this, but even if she does wake up she’s not going to be the same.”
“What are you sayin’? She’ll need therapy? She’ll need help gettin’ around?”
“Son, I don’t think you quite understand the severity. The doctor told us that even if she does wake up, she may never be able to function on her own. He said that most have extreme memory loss, including short term. Don’t you understand? If my daughter opens her eyes she’s not going to be the person we know. She may not even know us.”
I kept holding her hand. “So, you think I should give up? We have children together. There’s no way I’d do that.”
I heard Ashley’s mother crying from behind me. The last thing she wanted was to hear us arguing. I turned quickly and whispered, “Sorry”. “Look, I’m not leavin’ her side until I talk to the doctor myself. No offense to you, but I’m not givin’ up on her or our future. When you start realizin’ that maybe we can have a normal conversation. I sure as hell ain’t goin’ to have you tellin’ me to walk away.”
He finally shut up, but never left the room. As awkward as it was, I wasn’t about to give him the benefit of thinking he’d gotten the best of me. Not only was I never giving up on Ash, but I also wasn’t giving up hope that no matter how hard it would be, we’d get through it.
A nurse came in to change the dressing on Ash’s bandages. They hadn’t been on her for very long but were already starting to get soiled. Blood had seeped through enough to where I think it was getting to her parents. I’d heard her mother behind me mentioning that someone was coming to take care of it right before the nurse walked in.
She was quiet as she started rolling the gauze off of her head. I watched her uncovering the wound and then starting to clean where the blood had started to dry. That’s when I noticed the extent of what she’d been through.
The last time I’d seen my girlfriend, she’d had a wet head full of beautiful brown wavy hair. Her shaved head was full of staples and I almost cringed seeing it for the first time. She’d taken such pride in the way she looked and now she had no control over it. They’d removed her hair to save her life. They’d operated in hopes of making her better. Staring at what she’d gone through made it even more real. I knew I wasn’t in some sick nightmare. This was real there was a good chance that I might never be able to see that beautiful woman that I once knew. As painful as it was to think about, I had to be prepared for that outcome. If I lost her, I had to still be strong for the twins. After all, I’d be all that they had left.
After her head was redressed, the nurse noted her vitals and left us alone again.
Avoiding the two people in the room, I leaned forward and started talking to my girlfriend. I didn’t need their opinions, because they didn’t matter to me. “Ash, it’s me, Shayne. I’m not goin’ anywhere, baby. You take as much time as you need to get better. When you open up those eyes, I’m goin’ to be here. You need to get better, because the twins need their mommy. I need her too.” I started to get choked up again as my mind wandered back to what her father said. “We can get through anything, Ash. Just come back to me. I love you so much.” I let my head fall against her arm. She was in that bed fighting for her life and all I could think about was being without her, raising the kids without her.
It got to be too much to think about and I had to walk out of the room to clear my head. I shot past her dad, looking right at him when he caught my gaze. That man wouldn’t stop me from loving his daughter. I could give her what she needed, no matter what it was.
Chapter 21
Shayne
For two days I was camped out at Ashley’s side, unable to leave for any amount of time in case there was a chance she would wake up. My mother had relieved the girls of their babysitting duties, and as much as I felt bad about being away from the kids, I couldn’t tear myself away from the woman who was fighting so hard to get back to us.
On the second day Ash was moved to a different room. The doctor, who’d come in after the fact from John’s Hopkins University, sat us down to go over what we could expect as far as statistics and recovery.
“Hello, I’m Doctor Patel. I’ll be taking over the patient from here on out. There are a few things that you need to know about Ms. Tilly’s condition. The first critical step was for us to go in and relieve the pressure on her brain caused by the hemorrhage. We were able to successfully do that during her initial surgery.”
“How do you know that this won’t happen again?” her father asked.
“During the procedure we placed two drainage tubes into her skull. They are there to prevent this from happening.” He paused for a moment and looked down at Ashley’s chart. “Yesterday we did a CT-angiogram and it was discovered that it was a cerebral aneurism of the anterior communicating artery, which is part of what we call the Circle of Willis.”
“The neurosurgeons were able to repair it by a non-invasive procedure known as coiling. While the procedure was a success, it is only the first of many procedures that will need to be done before recovery. I’m not going to sugar-coat this for you, as I can see the seriousness of this situation. Over the next few weeks, Ms. Tilly has a fifty-fifty chance of survival.”
The room was silent, with that doctor’s last words lingering in our minds. A fifty-fifty chance. It was hardly what any of us wanted to hear. To put a number on it made it worse. It was basically like saying, she could die at any second, but she also might not. Who wants to think that way?
I tried so hard to keep my composure. My hands fisted and my knee bobbed as I held in my temper, and frustration, but mostly my agonizing fear of losing Ashley. I hadn’t slept and had barely ate for two days. My body was shutting down and I didn’t even care. I couldn’t think about walking out that door without her. I didn’t want to.
He waited for a couple seconds before continuing and most of what he said were things I was going to have to internet search to learn what it was.
“Because this is the time when the risk of vasospasms in the brain is high, we’re going to need to continually monitor the patient and do what is necessary to prevent irreversible brain damage. Are you still following me?” He looked around the room at all of us before he continued. “If we can get through the next few days, I suggest keeping the patient in a drug induced coma, where we will supply her with a combination with high doses of adrenaline to dilate the blood vessels. Normally we wouldn’t suggest this type of care for people over a certain age or too young that their bodies wouldn’t handle it. However, in this case we feel that the pros outweigh the cons. Once we are certain that the risk of vasospasm has ceased she will be removed from the ventilator and feeding tubes.”
“So you’re sayin’ that she won’t wake up for nearly a month, if it happens at all? Is there any good news you can tell us?” I was losing my mind, and as annoyed as her father was for my question, I think he wanted to know the same thing.
“If the patient recovers, she is going to need to learn how to breathe and eat on her own again. We have respiratory therapists, occupational therapists and nurses that will help her do so. As you can see there are many consequences of this aneurysm. We are hoping that the intensive treatment will protect her brain from any further damage, or excess bone growth. In some cases that growth can affect the body so much that numerous other procedures will be required. Some result in a twisted intestines and sometimes even a rupture. We’ve had cases of polyneuropathy in the feet as well.”
The doctor’s rambles were driving me insane. I didn’t understand anyt
hing he was talking about. All I wanted to know was that she was going to wake up and be all better. “What about memory loss? We heard that could happen.”
“Yes, it is common in these situations. Though, most people can regain their memories in time, sometimes permanent loss can occur,” he answered.
My eyes were burning and I couldn’t control my emotions when I thought about her not remembering me or the twins. “She’s got twin infants. You’re tellin’ me that she wouldn’t remember somethin’ that important?”
He held his hands up. “I’m going to ask you not to get ahead of ourselves here. Ms. Tilly has a long road ahead of her. Right now we need to keep our fingers crossed and pray that she makes it to the next phase. I’m optimistic that with her good health history, as well as her age, that it is very possible she can pull through this. I’ve seen it many times in patients her age.”
“What can we do to help?” her mother asked.
“For now, you’re going to need to take care of yourselves. I understand how critical this situation is to you, but Ms. Tilly is in good hands. This is a long recovery and it’s okay if you can’t always be here. My associates and I will take care of her when you can’t be here. I will keep you posted on her conditions and if there are any other procedures that need to be done. I can assure you that she’s in good hands.”
Ashley’s dad looked at his wife. “We could start taking turns. I’ll need to stop by the office for a couple hours a day.”
I interrupted. “I can be here.”
“Shayne, we’ve told you before, it isn’t necessary.”
I put my head down, trying to keep my cool in front of the doctor.
“I’ll visit every day.” It was a promise.
We sat and talked with the doctor a while longer about what to expect within the next couple of days. With nothing to go on except hope, at that moment, there was not really much else we could do.
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