The sound of a baby crying left me in that bathroom all alone again. Finally, after coming to grips with the fact that I couldn’t sit there forever, I stood up and started cleaning up the mess that I’d made after losing my shit.
Later on I found my sister downstairs. She was sitting on the couch in a semi-renovated living room. Her feet were curled up on the cushions and her arms folded as if she were chilly. I picked up a blanket and covered her before sinking down into the couch next to her. My hands covered my face and I leaned my elbows on my knees. “What am I goin’ to do, Pey? How am I supposed to keep movin’ forward when I don’t know if she’ll ever come back to me?”
My sister leaned forward and put her hand on my back. “Don’t give up, Shayne.”
“You didn’t see her today. She didn’t know me. She couldn’t talk, but I could see it in her eyes. She doesn’t remember our life together. What if she never remembers me at all? What am I goin’ to do?”
Peyton tried her best to comfort me, but it wasn’t like she could make things better. “You can’t give up. The doctors told you this may happen. Just give it a couple months. Let her go through the therapy and see where you’re at.”
“I keep waitin’, but it’s almost like she’s not there anymore. What do I do if the woman I love never comes back? God, how am I supposed to look at those kids and know she’s out there livin’ a whole separate life without us?”
“You’re gettin’ way ahead of yourself, Shayne. It’s been one day. You’ve got to come to grips with this being a long term thing. She’ll recover, but you’ve got to have patience and faith. It’s the only way.”
She was right, but it was so much easier said than done. I wanted my life back and feeling so withdrawn from her made it seem as if it was never going to happen.
My sister kindly changed the subject after a few minutes of awkward silence. “Would you be alright if I moved in here with you? Obviously you’ve got the room. I can help out with the twins and even keep things clean around here. You know how much I love them, and how I’d do anything to make things easier for you.”
I sat up and put my hand on her knee. “Yeah. You can bring your stuff here. You’re already here more than you are at home.”
“Actually, I’ve been stayin’ at Jamey’s house a lot.”
I had no idea that she’d left home. “When did that happen?”
“When dad started bossin’ me around and I couldn’t take it anymore. One day when he was at work I packed all my shit and put it in my trunk. Between here and Jamey’s I’ve got all I need. The thing is, we haven’t exactly been gettin’ along.”
“Did he do somethin’ to hurt you?” Not that I needed any added drama to my life, but that was my sister and I’d be damned if I let someone hurt her.
“No. Nothin’ you need to worry about. I’m fine, I promise. Besides, maybe this is where I’m meant to be. Let’s face it, you need me as much as I need you.”
She was right about that. My sister was always there, even when she was screwing things up, she’d never left my side. I owed her so much already, including three weeks back pay from taking off so much. Letting her move into the spare room was an easy choice. It wasn’t like Ashley was coming home any time soon.
“Well, the room upstairs is yours. Paint it whatever color you like. Just don’t make it an eyesore. I want the kids to have a real nice place to grow up in.”
Peyton looked around the room. “You don’t have much left to do. Give it a couple more weekends and we’ll have this place lookin’ brand new in no time.”
“I hope you’re right, because after today I’m afraid of what’s goin’ to happen. When dad finds out Ash’s not comin’ home, right away, he might make good on him tryin’ to take the twins from me. I can’t let that happen.”
“Shayne, you’re their dad. It’s not goin’ to happen.”
The thing was that I wasn’t their dad and my brother knew it. At any given second he could take all that I had left away from me. Without them I’d surely not want to live and I didn’t know how to not be afraid of it happening.
Chapter 24
Shayne
It wasn’t hard to stay busy considering that I had a new job and two growing twins at home. I did the best I could staying focused, taking my new job seriously, while trying to not think about Ashley and the kids too much. Her progress was slow, but it had been three weeks since being taken off the machines and it was good knowing that she was at least alive, after the scare of not knowing if we were going to lose her.
Ford had given me a great opportunity. He’d put me in charge of purchasing, and given me a small office in the same area as his. Of course, because he was my boss his was huge while mine was small. He liked to joke that our offices reflected our penis size.
Dick.
I had no problems going in early in the morning and getting right to work. To be honest I considered myself great at my job. I knew how to handle clients and was familiar with all of the parts. There were certain aspects that I had to get familiar with, but I caught on quickly and felt that Sky’s father was happy with Ford’s decision to give me a chance.
For a while I visited the hospital every day. After the first month of her being awake the doctor ordered the physical and mental therapy to begin. The first thing they wanted to do was assess how much memory loss she’d sustained. Obviously I’d seen her recognize her parents, so somewhere along the way she’d lost everything else.
Day after day they’d subject her to different tests to pinpoint the time frame they were working with, but it wasn’t until they asked for pictures that it all became obvious and ended up taking another part of my heart and ripping it to pieces.
Ashley couldn’t speak, but she was learning to communicate by blinking or hitting a button, when necessary. If she recognized someone or remembered the moment, she’d signal. If she had no recollection, she’d remain calm with no movement whatsoever.
I happened to be visiting when they started with the pictures for the day. There had been a pile that her mother handed over to the therapist. In that pile was a few pictures of us as teenagers with my cousin Ford. I waited patiently as they went through early childhood photographs and watched a spike in her monitor or saw her facial expression change. As the pile got smaller I had hopes. I’d known Ashley for years and was sure that a picture would trigger at least a response to that, letting me know that I wasn’t a stranger to her.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t me that got the biggest response.
My heart pounded when I knew my photo was next. I watched the therapist display the photo and saw her eyes get big. It was so exciting, so emotionally amazing to see her respond the way she was. Then, as the woman pointed to Ford, I realized that her amusement wasn’t about seeing me. Ashley was responding to Ford. Her heart rate increased and everyone in the room could tell that she obviously remembered him clearly. It almost seemed like she was trying desperately to communicate verbally. Tiny sounds came from her mouth and then I watched her lips trying to make an F sound. I was okay at first, realizing that it was progress, but as they continued, she just kept repeating the F sound, trying to say my cousin’s name.
Aside from the obvious feeling of it being as if I’d been kicked in the gut, I knew I wasn’t what Ash needed, or who.
Against all that my heart could take, I called my cousin and pretty much begged him to come to the hospital. I knew that if seeing Ford’s picture had gotten that much of a reaction, then finally seeing him in person could make a huge jump with her recovery.
It took my cousin an hour to arrive and he wasn’t exactly happy about being there, but he did it for me, which I’d be forever grateful for.
Now, I hadn’t thought about the way it would make me feel seeing them together. I hadn’t considered that in Ashley’s mind she was still in love with Ford. According to the picture they were happy and a couple.
From the moment he walked into the room I felt my future with her disappearing
. I watched those beautiful blue eyes brighten and almost a smile form across her once unresponsive face. Real tears fell from her eyes as if she’d been waiting for him the whole time. I knew it was love in her eyes, because it was the way she used to look at me.
At that moment I knew I had to walk away. I couldn’t stand it, the pain and shock of my whole life being turned to shit so quickly. For obvious reasons I didn’t go back inside to say my goodbyes. I didn’t ask my cousin about what happened, or if he’d come back to help with her recovery. In those seconds all I wanted to do was get as far away from the hospital as I could.
My arrival home didn’t come with a rush of relief. I found it difficult to get out of my car and head inside. I knew the twins were in there, reminding me of what I may never have again. With each step she was making forward, Ashley was pulling further away from the life we used to want together.
There was also a chance that her short-term memory wouldn’t return. She might never remember being with me, braking up with Ford, or even the two beautiful children that she’d given birth to. I wasn’t sure what part of that hurt me the worst.
After that day I kind of lost all sense of security about my future. It wasn’t that I was giving up, but more like I didn’t know how to move forward. So instead of living each day to the fullest, I went into this kind of lifestyle that was more about monotony than making memories with the twins.
I’d go to work in the morning and then come home and bust my ass on the house. I spent less time with twins, even though we were in the same house. Every night I’d have bad dreams and being around them seemed to trigger them more. I was separating myself from anything that would give me both joy and pain. I just wanted to be numb.
Finally, after three more weeks my sister couldn’t take it anymore. Seeing me heading into self destruction, she told my mother, who in turn told my father. After a long day at work, where it seemed like nothing went right, I came home to a family intervention and I wasn’t prepared for the people that had been invited to my house.
Ash’s parents were sitting at the kitchen across from mine. My brother Parker stood on the opposite side of the counter. I didn’t even have time to ask what he was doing home, but I was soon going to find out. I sat my lunch box down on the counter and got a drink before acknowledging them.
To say that I was already annoyed was an understatement.
“So what’s this about?”
My dad spoke first. “Shayne, we need to talk. Why don’t you come over here and sit with us?”
“I’m fine right here, if it’s all the same.”
“Son, we’re concerned about you and about the twins. I’ve been talkin’ with Mr. Tilly and he seems to think that it would be better for all of us if they went to live with him at his house.”
“We’ve got plenty of room,” he added. “And I’ve hired a nurse that will be there for Ashley for as long as she needs it, offering her therapy at home. My wife and I have discussed this and we feel this is the best thing for everyone involved. None of us expect you to hold out hope of Ashley moving in here. We all know that ain’t going to happen anymore.”
Did this dude really think he was going to come into my home, that I’d spent every cent I owned on trying to make it perfect, and take my last piece of her away from me? I clenched my jaw and tried to keep my composure, not wanting to give them any more reason to want to take the twins. I knew I’d been distant from them, but that didn’t mean I wanted to lose them. It was the opposite. Realizing that I couldn’t look at them and face the fact that I may be the only parent they ever knew, it broke my heart. Imagining not having them made me want to drive my truck into oncoming traffic. “I appreciate that you feel that way, and I can see how you feel that your house is better suited for the twins, but I assure you that my kids are well cared for. They get plenty of love and I’ll provide them with all they’ll ever needed. Like I’ve told both of you before, I won’t give up my kids. There’s nothin’ that any of you can do to change it.”
Just then, at that very moment when I felt empowered, my brother stepped forward, sending an alarming chill through my whole body. I didn’t even know he was home from school, until earlier when he’d showed up. “Actually, there is.”
Just hearing his voice let me know that my own brother had plotted against me. “Shayne, they know the truth. I know you’re mad, but I had to tell them. I can’t live with myself knowin’ that you’re givin’ up your life.”
I suppose that if I would have thought about my actions, the end result could have been avoided, but hauling off and hitting my brother seemed logical in that very moment. As my brother fell to the ground, my father stood up and whistled loudly. “Enough!” He walked right up to me, putting his face up to mine. “We’ve given you the chance to come clean, son. Your mom and I won’t let you do this.”
I pointed to my piece of shit brother. “He signed off on his rights long before they were born. They’re my kids. Do you hear me? There’s nothin’ that can change that.”
“Son, my daughter may have falsified the birth certificate, but you don’t have a chance in getting custody if we took this to court. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. I’ll let you decide.”
I looked around the room desperately searching for an ally. “Please, you can’t do this. Please don’t take them away from me. I’m their father. I’m the only father they’re ever goin’ to have.”
“You can visit them whenever you want, but they are coming home with us tonight, even if I need to call the sheriff and have them assist us.” His threats meant nothing to me.
I went after the man, heaving my anger towards the one person that seemed to be controlling my future. He was taking away everything, including my hope. I punched him in the jaw before he could put his hands up to block me. He didn’t fall to the ground, or come back after me. While my dad grabbed me from behind the man took measures to keep me from laying another hand on him. He held up his hand while dialing the police. In just a few seconds they were on their way to assist.
I stopped fighting my father and let my arms rest. The damage was done. I’d lost my will. I’d lost everything.
Thirty minutes later I watched the people in my house pack up all of the twins belongings. I watched them putting them into their car seats and loading them into their SUV. Then I watched them driving away with my only reason for living.
As if that wasn’t enough, I went off on my sister, ordering her to get the hell out of my house. She begged and pleaded, swearing that she didn’t know about our brother, but the damage was done. I hated everyone and anyone that had been a part of it. My once clear focus on my future was gone and replaced with emptiness. In that moment, I had nothing and I couldn’t even think of one reason to keep going.
Chapter 25
Shayne
They say time heals every wound, or for better terms that’s what I’ve always heard. How much time did I need to give myself before that happened?
From the moment I watched that vehicle pull away with my kids in it, I felt like my life was over.
No matter how I tried to rationalize I couldn’t think of one good thing I had without them. To be frank, I was lonely, afraid and defeated. Ashley’s dad was going to do whatever it took to keep me out of her life. I didn’t even understand why. I’d done nothing but respect her and give her the life that she deserved.
It all went back to when we were first living together as friends. Everyone was aware that I was seeing other women, and that was enough for him to want his daughter as far away from me as she could get.
I made it to the weekend before I couldn’t stand it anymore. I needed to get away from everything and try to clear my head. It wasn’t like I had someone I could call and talk to. Nobody could understand what it was like for me.
Driving to the beach and pulling up at my friend Boner’s house was probably a mistake. I hadn’t seen him in a long time, and honestly I knew that whatever he had planned for his evening was
going to be a distraction from the hell I’d been living in.
The look is shock let me know I was the last person that he expected to see walking through his door. “What the shit? Long time no see, dude.”
I smiled knowing that I was about to drink myself to a stupor and forget about the rest of my life for at least the next twenty-four hours. Then coming out of the kitchen were two women, and right away I recognized their voices. Standing before me was Megan and her sister Rachel, the one I’d hooked up with when I was out on a drunken binge over Lacey. I didn’t know whether to walk back out and pretend I’d never thought that this visit was a good idea, or to sit down and let them ridicule me, reminding me of how much of a pussy-piece-of-shit I was.
Megan smiled. “Wow, I never thought I’d see you here again. What’s up stranger?”
Rachel continued following her sister quietly, as if she knew there would be hell to pay if she acknowledged me.
“I’m just out clearin’ my head. How have you been?”
They sat down across from me and I leaned against the opposite couch. “I’ve been good. I’ve been dating someone and working a lot. Rachel’s here visiting. She got a job in Pennsylvania with our aunt.” She turned to look at her sister before continuing. “How are the twins?”
Megan was a nice girl, who’d been a good friend when I needed one. After I’d told her that I was in love with Ashley, she stopped calling me. To be honest I was too caught up in my relationship to even care. Between the twins and discovering what it was like to love someone, I’d forgotten all about my little virgin friend. “They’re gettin’ real big.” I thought about them being taken from me, and a knot formed in my throat.
“So where’s your girlfriend? Please don’t tell me you guys broke up?”
I looked down at the shag area rug. It had seen better days, and I remembered people puking on it several times in the past. “It’s not like that. We didn’t break up. Ash was - She’s in the hospital.”
Remember Me Page 14
