“What happened? Is she okay? Shouldn’t you be there with her?” Megan asked.
I couldn’t look up at her, as having to explain where my girlfriend was crushed me. “She suffered from an aneurism in her brain a while ago. I visit when I can, but it’s gettin’ harder. She doesn’t even know who I am right now. He’ll, she doesn’t even know she’s a mother.”
Megan put her hands over her face and even Rachel looked shocked. “Shayne, I’m so sorry. Will she ever recover?”
I shrugged. “They don’t know. She had a stroke at first and they’ve kept her in a coma to help her heal. Even now she’s not the person she was before.”
I don’t know whether they all felt sorry for me, or they just didn’t know what to say, but the room remained quiet. It was so quiet that I started to feel uncomfortable.
Boner stood up and patted me on the shoulder. “How ‘bout a beer?”
When he came back in the room, handing me a eight-ounce can, I cracked it open and took a swig. “Thanks, dude.”
“No problem. Me casa e su casa, or however the hell they say that shit.”
Rachel still said nothing and I watched as her sister whispered something in her ear and then they both turned to look at me. It was sort of weird and I could only imagine that she was warning her to keep her distance. The thing was, I wasn’t there to hook up with anyone. I’d come to get away from my life for the night, not to make it any worse.
Luckily, as we continued to drink, the mood in the house seemed to change. Boner started talking about some of our adventures in the past, and soon both of the girls were laughing and carrying on with us.
We played one round of truth or dare, until neither of them would take off their shirts. In my defense it was Boner that suggested it. I knew better than to go there with Megan, and especially her sister. Besides, other women no longer interested me. I knew what I wanted and she wasn’t in any condition to realize that I felt like a part of me was dying without her.
I found myself being annoyed by the way they were all acting, almost like that kind of behavior was somehow beneath me. By two in the morning I was feeling the effects of the alcohol and decided that I needed to take a walk on the beach to clear my head. I wanted to feel the cool misty air on my skin and the breeze coming off of the water. I needed to plop down into the smooth sand and listen to the waves crashing in front of me.
Those sounds were so soothing to me, bringing me back to a time when my life was so carefree.
The wind was brisk, but it didn’t stop me from proceeding with my plan. I plopped down on the soft ground and ran my hands through the sand beneath me. The waves calmed me and I remembered how many times I’d rushed into them to save someone’s life.
Being a lifeguard made me feel important. Every teen growing up where I did wanted to spend their summers at the beach. While others worked on the boardwalk, in candy shops, or surf shanties, I went through all of the training to have the coolest job out there. Every day I’d get numbers from random chicks. They didn’t care if we had girlfriends, or even if some of us were married. The fantasy of being with a tan lifeguard made all of their morals disappear. I supposed for a time it was fascinating. I got off on the idea of knowing that I could have anyone I wanted. Looking back though, I never had what I really longed for. Even Lacey couldn’t give me what I needed.
The shitty thing was that Ash had been in my life the whole time. She’d come and hung out with me at parties. We shared similar friends and she’d been dating my cousin. That was the deal breaker for me. I knew that I’d never try to get with her, because she’d been with Ford. It was the first rule in the Bro-code.
I laughed out loud realizing that I’d come out to clear my mind and went right back to thinking about her. No matter where I went, she was with me.
I just wanted to pain to go away. I wanted to stop feeling like I hadn’t lost everything.
For a little while at least, I was able to close my eyes and think about a time when none of my problems seemed to be important. It would have been nice to sit back and picture a future with Ash and the twins the way I’d done before she went into the hospital. Then I started thinking about my biggest fear. I started wondering what her life would amount to if she never recovered. Would she struggle with not remembering, or would she just move forward as if none of it had ever happened.
A part of me wished that I could take her place. It would have been so much easier to forget about everything than to wake up and have to relive the life that I was missing over and over again. I never thought I’d miss hearing a baby cry, or changing a diaper, but I did.
Being in that house and hearing nothing was driving me insane. I needed to know my kids were up in their rooms and that nobody could ever take them away from me. I wanted them to always be able to count on me, no matter what.
Ashley’s dad wasn’t going to let that happen. He wanted me to suffer, to be alone with nothing. Hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he tried to take the house away again. For sure, he had every intention to do it before we moved in. Now I wouldn’t have any real reason to stay there. It was way too big for one person to be in and I sure as hell didn’t want to sit around remembering the life that I’d planned on having there.
I heard someone sit down beside me and turned to see Megan in the dim light of the moon. “I figured I find you out here.”
“Yeah, I just needed some air.”
“I think we’re all just trying to cheer you up. If we offended you we didn’t mean it.”
I looked out toward the ocean. “It’s fine. Really. I just wanted to be alone.”
She started to get up and I realized that I offended her even before she said it. “I can go.”
“No, wait! Please just stay.” I grabbed her arm, stopping her from standing.
Megan didn’t grab my arm or ask questions. I think she knew how messed up I was in the head.
“So, tell me about this boyfriend. Does he treat you good?”
“Well, actually, he’s a she.”
I turned and looked at her, shocked. “Seriously? Is that like the cool thing to do now?”
She giggled. “I don’t know. I mean, I still like guys. Bree is different though. She doesn’t judge me or make me feel like I need to worry about her hurting me. She’s gentle and for right now it’s what I want. Anyway, she lives with me since Rachel moved out. It’s been enlightening, I suppose.”
“I bet.”
She giggled. “I figured you’d want details.”
“Na. Been there done that. It wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.”
“You’ve changed, Shayne. I mean, you look the same, but older. You talk the same, but with sincerity. I can tell you’re hurting and I’m sorry for that. What happened to you is awful. I wouldn’t wish that on my own enemy.”
I laughed this time. “Are we enemies?”
Finally we looked at each other, as if the rest of the conversation was leaning on the outcome of my question. “I would say we’re old friends. Let’s face it, you probably never stood a chance with me anyway,” she teased.
“Well, it’s good to know it’s because you like pussy, and not because you think I’m a man-whore and a dick.”
She put her hand on my knee when she spoke, and although it was a friendly gesture, I felt uncomfortable, which was extremely weird for me. “I never said you weren’t either of those. Maybe my friend standards have been lowered.”
I moved away from her reach and stood up. “Maybe that’s it.”
Megan followed behind me as I walked to the water’s edge. I liked how loud the waves crashed in, making it hard to even hear one’s self think. It was refreshing and if it wasn’t so damn cold I probably could have stood there for hours.
Megan came up beside me, covering her chest with her arms. “It’s freezing out here.”
I put my hands in my pockets and closed my eyes. “I like it. It reminds me that we’re not invincible.”
“Should w
e be worried about you, Shayne? You aren’t thinking about going out in that water tonight, are you?”
I turned and looked at her, suddenly amused by her question.
Would anyone miss me if I was gone? Would they come looking at all?
I took off one shoe and tossed it in the sand as I spoke. “Actually, I am.”
I tossed my shirt towards her and felt the cool mist hitting my skin. Goosebumps covered my body but it only kept me motivated. I wanted the pain to go away. I needed to be numb in body and soul. I needed to forget that feeling of being hopelessly in love. I wanted it to all to disappear, because I couldn’t take the pain of it anymore.
Megan tried pulling my arms. She begged and yelled, but I continued walking out into the bitter cold water. The moonlight lit my path and the whitecaps let me know just how far out I needed to get. The further I walked the less I could feel. Suddenly my thoughts went from Ashley to the water. I dove into an oncoming wave and felt the floatation of my body as it pulled me under. When I rose, I saw Megan standing at the water’s edge holding her hands over her mouth. She was worried for my safety even when I wasn’t at all. I’d been tortured, shattered, and left to drown in my own sorrows for a while now. The frigid temperatures weren’t what I was afraid of. It was making it out of the water still breathing.
I’d had a lot to drink, mixed with already being in an emotional stupor. Ending my life seemed like it was the only resort that I had left. They’d taken everything from me and never cared how it would affect my life. Did my family and friends really feel that I could just move on without a single thought of what they’d done to me? Did they think that I could ever forgive them?
Once I was out far enough, I let my body sink the bottom, allowing all of the air out of my lungs. I kept my eyes closed in the black depths of nothingness that the dark ocean offered and hoped that it wouldn’t take long for hypothermia to shut down my organs. I wasn’t trying to drown myself. I was trying to lose control of my body enough that I wouldn’t be able to swim to shore. The ocean would sweep me away and I’d just go to sleep.
The pain was horrible as the freezing temperatures attacked my skin, sending my body temperature way below normal. All I could notice was how quiet it was all around me. I didn’t hear the waves crashing, or the sounds of Megan yelling. Everything just felt gone.
Chapter 26
Shayne
I would have liked to wake up in a heavenly place, hanging out with my cousin Harley and reminiscing about the good old days.
Instead I woke up on the hard sand of the beach, surrounded by a very wet Megan and a set of Paramedics. She swam out into that water and saved me, and for some reason when I looked at her, all I saw was Ash. She was speaking to me, yelling at me to keep my eyes open and hold on. I knew it was Megan, but all I heard was Ashley. I heard Ashley’s voice the whole time saying, “Hold on, Shayne. Please stay with me.”
Then I knew it was hypothermia, because as I was being carted and loaded into the ambulance I felt her there with me. She was holding my hand and whispering in my ear to not give up her, to never give up on her.
After that I must have passed out again. I woke up in the hospital and noticed that I was warm. Megan sat in the chair across the room. She’d changed her clothes and had a blanket over the middle section of her body. Though sound asleep I knew she was furious with me with what I’d done. To make matters worse, she probably felt obligated to rush out there and save my life. In a way I felt horrible, but at the time all I wanted to was to disappear. Nothing in my life mattered enough to stick around.
I don’t know whether it was a hallucination, but Ash’s spirit was there with me, screaming for me to keep fighting.
I fell back asleep for a while, forgetting about the shock of how I’d gotten to the hospital. I woke up later to a nurse standing in front of the monitor. She was noting my vitals and glanced over seeing that I’d awaken. “Are you in any pain?”
I took in my surroundings as I concentrated on my body. After shaking my head, I suddenly realized where I was. “Salisbury? They brought me to Salisbury?”
“We are the best hospital in the area.”
I went to lift my arms and realized that I was strapped down to the bed. “I need to get up.”
“Not until the doctor comes in to talk to you, sir. It’s procedure.”
I closed my eyes realizing that they were treating me as an attempted suicide. I’d had a friend go through it a while back and remembered they were put under observation for a certain amount of time. Unlike my friend, I wasn’t going to be sent to Cambridge to be further evaluated.
Yes, I’d wanted to make all of my problems disappear, but I wasn’t crazy and it wasn’t going to happen again. For some reason I’d never felt closer to Ash. She was there with me and I wasn’t going to give up, not ever again. “I wasn’t tryin’ to kill myself. I’d been drinking all night and was just foolin' around. I just wanted to go out for a swim and a wave took me under. I’ve been a lifeguard for years and thought I could handle it. It wasn’t my first time swimmin’ in the cold water. The next thing I knew I was on the beach.”
She raised an eyebrow but ignored my explanation. “I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake.”
It took the female doctor a while to get to my room. Since I couldn’t really move I lay there looking up at the ceiling, trying to come up with a logical way to get myself free and up to Ashley’s room. I couldn’t believe that my night at the beach had led me to the very hospital she was being cared for in. It was yet another sign that I couldn’t give up on her.
Thankfully, halfway through my interview with the doctor, Megan came back into the room, after being asked to give me and the doctor some time. She heard my made up story about wanting to take a swim, and vouched that I was telling the truth. I don’t know why she did it, but it saved my ass.
Unfortunately, it was hospital policy that I have to go through the whole exam, to prove my sanity and that I wasn’t a risk to myself or others.
Megan kept giving me the stink eye as I answered my questions like one who would have never gotten into the freezing cold ocean to end my life. Only she and I knew the real truth. I’d like to blame it on the alcohol, but I knew in my heart it was my mind finally losing control. Without giving myself such a scare I didn’t know if I’d be able to have such a clear plan as to what I was determined to achieve. To me, it didn’t matter how long it took, I would wait for Ashley, because it was what she’d want me to do. This night marked the last time I would do something so stupid, like attempt to end my life due to being miserable. I knew my life was only what I made of it. I’d been dealt a hurdle and it was my job to overcome it with a new sense of strength.
The doctor finally released my arms, and left me and Megan alone in the room with a diagnosis of being drunk and doing something stupid. While I stood up and started to get dressed, wanting to get out of the emergency room, Megan waited for me to start explaining. “I’m sorry.” It was all I could manage to say.
“You’re sorry? You could have gotten us both killed, Shayne. If I hadn’t have been there you’d be dead right now, and you know it. Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry.”
“I am. I swear. Megan listen to me, something happened to me out there in that water.”
“Yeah, I know. You lost consciousness and I had to pull you ashore. You’re lucky I was able to find you in that dark water.”
“No, I mean something spiritually happened to me. She was there, Megan. I swear she was there with me.”
“What are you talking about? We were alone Shayne. I had to pull you out of the water and then call for an ambulance.”
“She was there,” I repeated.
“Who was?”
“Ashley. She was there, telling me not to give up.” I could see it in her eyes that she thought I was crazy. I guess anyone would have thought that. “It was real to me. I swear it was.”
She shook her head. “I should have never lied to that docto
r. You probably hit your head on a rock when the waves took you under.”
I shook my head. “No, it happened when I was on the beach. I felt her there with me in the ambulance. It was real to me and that’s all that matters.”
“Shayne, I don’t know you very well, and I get that you’re going through something horrible, but you were alone in that ambulance. I had to go change my clothes before I could get here. I know for a fact that nobody rode with you, except for the male paramedic.”
Megan didn’t get it. She didn’t understand the connection that I felt I had with Ash. She didn’t understand that I needed it to be real. “She’s here you know. She’s here in this hospital.”
Megan looked down. “Yeah, I know. I kind of figured that so I went to the information desk and asked. I figured that I could use that information to get you to see that you had a reason to fight for your life.”
“You don’t need to drill it in my head. That’s what I’m tryin’ to tell ya. She already told me. Believe me or don’t, it’s your choice, but I heard her loud and clear.”
Megan put her hands up. “Whatever helps you, Shayne. Are you ready to go, or do you need to wait?”
I walked over and hugged her, catching her off guard. “Thank you for savin’ my life, Megan. I’m glad I got to spend time with you tonight, even if it ended up the way it did. You helped me, probably more than you’ll ever know.”
When I pulled away she was looking right into my eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I nodded. “I’m going to be fine, but I’m not goin’ to be needin’ a ride tonight. I’m goin’ to stay here with Ash.”
“Are you allowed to do that?”
I shrugged. “Probably not, but they won’t say anything. They know who I am, and what she means to me. Besides, she’s in a room by herself and the door stays shut the whole night. They probably won’t even notice I’m there.”
Megan said her goodbyes and left me there in the emergency room. Since I was already in the hospital, with a band around my wrist, I didn’t have to check in with the front desk. Instead I used the internal elevators to take me up to her floor. The nighttime nurse wasn’t at her station, making it easy for me to slip into Ash’s room unspotted.
Remember Me Page 15
