Angel of the Apocalypse
Page 7
“I'm just saying, man is a flawed creature. They will always sin. It's in their nature. Then you come along and kill everyone for just doing what comes naturally to them.” White pawn to h3.
“That's precisely the point. It is in man's animal nature to sin. But it is man's duty to fight his nature and become a better person. It's why I created humanity. The bible couldn't possibly be more clear on this issue.” Black bishop to h5.
“But what does man get for being a better person? He gets to go to Heaven? Those are just rules you made up.” The Devil castled his king.
God had just about enough of the Devil's psychological ploy. “You gloat that you are The Destroyer, yet it takes no effort to destroy. It takes no effort to criticize. It takes no effort to be selfish. It takes no effort to hate. These things are from your animal nature, which you revel in. But there is a better way. It takes every effort to create. To give of yourself, and help one another. I am the creator, and I made man in my image. Man was created to create. If you aren't creating, then you aren't existing. It is the reason why I will win in the end. The path of destruction is for immature fools.” Black knight to c6.
For the first time since starting the game, the Devil remained quiet and concentrated. He had an extremely quick mind, and processed millions of possible moves each second. The mid-game gave way to the end-game, and it was clear that the Devil had the edge. The game went on for a total of thirty-seven moves.
In the end, it was clear that God had lost, and he conceded.
“Out of all the games of chess that have ever been played, do you realize that the game we just finished was an exact reproduction of Garry Kasparov verses the Deep Blue supercomputer in 1996? It was the first time that artificial intelligence defeated a chess master. Fitting, I think,” laughed the Antichrist. “Only two more contests to go, or to be more precise, only one more contest to go, after I win the boxing match. Remember – best two out of three wins.”
God was not amused. “I've had about enough of your bullshit, Lucifer. I've been sitting here, listening to your crap for the last couple of hours. All you do is talk. It's about time I show you what true power is.”
The table with the chess set flashed out of existence. In its place appeared a boxing ring, with the two combatants looking at each other from opposing corners of the canvas. God was outfitted in white shorts with a gold strip down each side. For an old man, God had an incredible physique, with thick forearms and a stout, barrel chest.
The Devil had an equally impressive physique, but he was much more slender, almost gaunt. He wore red trunks with a black stripe down each side. After shadow boxing for a few seconds to warm up, the Devil pointed at God and said, “Are you ready old man?” It looked as if God was a full two weight classes above his opponent. The devil seemed unconcerned.
A beautiful demoness with red skin and dressed in a black bikini appeared in the center of the ring, holding a large white card above her head that read 'Round 1'. She ran over to the devil, wrapped her arms around him and gave him a big kiss. “Go get him tiger,” she purred.
The Devil pushed her away. “Fuck off, I'm busy.” The demoness pouted, then disappeared in a flash of crimson smoke. The bell for the first round rang.
God walked purposefully towards the center of the ring, both of his gloves held high to protect his chin. The Devil showed no fear and danced around God, with his hands held low and chin out, in a mocking gesture.
With lightning speed, the right fist of God smashed the Devil in the face with the force of a freight train. The sound of an atomic bomb echoed through the mountains. The devil lay spread eagle on the canvas, unconscious. One could almost swear that tweety-birds were circling his head. God raised his hand in victory. “That ought to shut you up for a bit,” he remarked wryly.
After a minute, the Devil regained consciousness and sat up. Orville was madly waving a towel in his face. “What the Hell happened?” he asked, eyes slightly crossed.
“You just got knocked the fuck out,” Orville replied.
The Devil hopped to his feet. He was having none of it. “Pfft, lucky punch. Doesn't matter in the slightest. There's no way you can win the last contest. Ever dance with the Devil with the brimstone bones, old man? No one in the history of the universe has moves like me.”
The boxing ring disappeared, and in its place appeared a dance stage, with hardwood floors and a high ceiling. The Devil was dressed in a black tuxedo, top-hat, and a cane. God was dressed in a white, skin-tight unitard and tap-dance shoes.
The Devil looked at God with eyebrows raised. “Really? That's what your going with?”
God remained stoic, and leveled his gaze at Satan. “I have always been a fan of the Riverdance.”
The Devil nearly double over, laughing. “Well, let's see it, old man. This ought to be a hoot!”
God took center stage. The lights dimmed, as a single spotlight was trained on the divine figure. All was silent, then the beautiful yearning of Scottish bagpipes sang in the air as God placed his hands on his hips. Drums joined the bagpipes, and the old man, surprisingly limber for his age, started tap dancing in rhythm to the drums.
The tempo of the bagpipes increased in urgency, as God hiked his knees up and skipped across the stage, in perfect rhythm. Overhead, the clouds parted, and golden rays of light danced across the stage as the music stopped and God froze in the form of a pirouette. Then the music started again, a single piccolo chirped a playful ditty.
The man in the tight unitard burst into action in an unparalleled display of interpretive dance. He raised his arms to the heavens as his thickly muscled legs lifted and stretched in time with the piccolo. Once again, God placed his hands on his hips, as his feet madly tapped in counterpoint to the urgent rhythm. The music and the footwork reached a frantic crescendo, and then the final climax as the music stopped and God froze in place. In his best Saturday Night Fever pose, his face sternly looking forward, chest heaving from exertion, and a finger pointed to the sky. It was the most magnificent display of Riverdance the world had ever witnessed.
Three old judges who sat beside the dance stage, solemnly raised their score cards: 9.5, 8.5, and 9.0.
The Devil stood stunned, mouth agape. He shook his head in disbelief and said, “Dude, you got issues.”
The Devil then walked up the steps and took center stage. Once again, the lights dimmed, and a single spotlight focused on the Father of Lies. A sultry demoness stood by his side.
Light jazz music began to play. In one swift motion, the Devil lifted the demoness high into the air were she disappeared in a puff of brimstone smoke. At that moment, the music stopped and the demons in the audience maniacally applauded. With a devilish grin, Satan threw his hat to one side, and ripped off his tuxedo, revealing a tight black t-shirt, MC Hammer pants, and a thick gold chain with the initials A.C. on it.
Suddenly, the sound of 80's rap music exploded from the audio system. Synthesizers and electric guitars boomed from the speakers. The mountains trembled in-time to the deafening beats, causing rock slides and avalanches across the continent. The Devil then busted into a series of pops and snaps, as six sultry demonesses appeared behind him, dressed in full gangsta booty style – high leather boots and G-strings. They twerked their bootylicious butts in rhythm to the phat beats as the Devil break-danced his way across the stage, gold chains flailing around his neck and wrists. As the song ended, the Devil spun into a windmill, then froze in place on the dance floor.
No one on Earth had ever witness those funky-fresh moves, those fly dance steps, or those radical pops and snaps. The audience of demons that were cheering and applauding, were now sprawled out on the ground, their senses shattered from witnessing the greatest break-dancing moves in history.
The contest was over. It was time to tally the scores and determine the fate of mankind. Once again, the three old judges solemnly raised their score cards: 9.0, 8.5, and 9.0. One of the judges spoke in a commanding voice, “And the winner is...God!”<
br />
“Fucking Bullshit!” screamed the Devil. “This whole contest is a sham, you crooked motherfucker!”
“Crooked?” replied God. “I invented evil, bitch!”
* * * * * * *
Behind the dance stage, God walked over to a cooler filled with ice and pulled out two bottles of German beer. From his pocket, he took out a can opener, and popped both bottle-caps. He placed both the caps and the bottle opener back into his pocket. After taking a swig of beer, he walked over to the Devil and offered him the other bottle. “You coming home?” God asked.
The Devil let out a long sigh, looked up at God, and finally took the beer. After looking at the bottle for a moment, he shifted his eyes to God. “After all I've done...After all I've put you through, you still want me to come home?” A puzzled expression creased the Fallen One's face.
“Of course,” God replied. “What is life, without forgiveness? I've missed you since the day you left. You were always my favorite son, and you were always welcome to come home. But you were just so damn stubborn.” God smiled with kind eyes, and offered a hand to help the Devil to his feet.
The Father of Lies looked at the offered hand, then he began to shake uncontrollably, then he burst into tears. “I'm sorry...I'm so fucking sorry,” the Devil sobbed, as he hugged God's leg with both arms. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”
“It's OK, son.” God lay his hand on Lucifer's head, and gently stroked his hair.
After wiping away his tears, Lucifer got to his feet, and the two walked down an old dirt path towards Heaven. Large oak trees provided shade. “You know, technically I won that last contest.”
“Well, you know what they say,” God replied. “If you ain't cheatin' you ain't tryin'.”
Lucifer turned to God in surprise and said, “You know what? That's what I always say!” The two had a good laugh as they entered the gates of Heaven.
The End.