by Paris Rose
“It all sounds great, Christoff. It does. But in that scenario, I’d be completely dependent on you. I would have no source of income and no contacts in Germany. I just can’t put myself in that position.”
“Do you not trust me?”
“No, that’s not it. I just enjoy my independence.”
Christoff leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest. He stared at me without saying a word. His piercing blue eyes penetrated me to the point that I had to look away. “Well then it’s settled. It sounds like you already have your mind made up, and it’s not open for discussion.” Christoff’s jaw clenched.
“Are you okay Christoff?”
“I’m fine,” he said flatly.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
“There is nothing to talk about.”
“I want you to know, this doesn’t mean I don’t care, Christoff. I really care about you, more than I’m able to express under these circumstances.”
“Drop it.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Gia, please drop the issue. This conversation is over.” His heavy German accent and his deep baritone voice always gave his words more authority.
I sighed and let it go. I could tell he wasn’t going to hear anything I was saying anyway. We waited for the check, in silence, for what seemed like forever. After Christoff paid the bill, he looked up at me. “Hey, do you want to take a walk to the lake as the sun sets?” Christoff’s tone was more relaxed than it had been ten minutes ago. I appreciated the shift.
“Sure, I would love that.” I smiled at him and his eyes lit up.
We walked down to the lake with our arms interlocked. I could tell Christoff was lost in thought, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. I felt like he was hurting, and I knew he felt my pain, too. We were able to be there for each other without saying a word.
We sat on my favorite bench and admired the scenic view before us. The sky was navy blue with wispy pink streaks, and the water was a gentle turquoise. It looked perfect against the city skyline, all lit up. I continued to gaze out at the lake, as the horizon slowly swallowed the sun, and the sky became dark. I always sat on this bench and looked to the lake for answers, but tonight all I could see before me was a dark, empty void. I rested my head on Christoff’s shoulder and closed my eyes, to calm my frazzled nerves.
“I really do care about you Christoff.”
“I know that Gia.” He stoked my hair.
We sat and looked at the stars and he sang to me in German. I was able to translate some of his lyrics on my own and he taught me the rest. In his song that he wrote for me right there on the spot he said I was wunderschön, which means gorgeous in German. I loved it. He also said I was supergeil, which has a double meaning when translated. It can mean super cool, and it can also mean super horny, depending on the speaker’s intention. It made me giggle. My laughter made Christoff smile. We both welcomed a break from the melancholy tension that plagued our evening together.
It was really late and the park area was about to close. Christoff summoned a town car with his smart phone, and he carried me up the lake front trail, piggy-back style. When we got to the road, he put me down. A black car was already waiting for us. We were both in good spirits and we made small talk with the driver. Arman wasn’t available tonight, so we had a different driver. He was nice, and he said his kids listened to Christoff’s music and they would get a kick out of the fact that their dad gave him a ride. Christoff seemed to love his money and his power, but he never seemed too prideful about his fame. That being said, I think the driver made Christoff smile.
Once we got up to my apartment, I took my new dresses from Christoff and I hung them in the closet. I thanked him for them for what had to be the hundredth time. He assured me it was nothing.
“Where did you put the ibuprofen?” Christoff asked as he wandered into the living room. “I have a headache.”
“On the coffee table. Here.” I darted in front of him and grabbed the ibuprofen. “One or two?”
“Three.” I poured three pills into his hand as he requested. I gave him a glass of water, and he swallowed the handful of pills in one gulp. “Let’s get to bed. It’s been a very long day.”
“Agreed. Luckily, we get to sleep in tomorrow.”
“Excellent.”
Christoff stripped down to his boxer briefs, and I changed into one of his t-shirts that was on the bed. I crawled beneath the covers, and Christoff shut off the lights and crawled in bed behind me. He pulled me in close and held me tight. There was a longing in his touch and a vulnerability in his embrace. He held on to me like a frightened child clutching a teddy bear. I grabbed both of his hands and squeezed as I nuzzled my back into the broadness of his chest. For the next couple of hours I drifted in and out of sleep, and it felt like Christoff was awake too. After a ridiculous amount of tossing and turning, I finally got comfortable and fell asleep.
When I woke up, for a moment I thought it was morning, but then I realized it was still dark out. I glanced over at the clock and saw it was a little past three in the morning. I had only been asleep for about an hour. I looked over to see if Christoff was still awake, but he wasn’t there. I figured he must have gone to the bathroom so I waited. Over ten minutes had passed and Christoff hadn’t returned to bed. I was starting to feel uneasy. I got out of bed and turned on the bedroom light. The light irritated my eyes, so I welcomed the darkness as I stumbled into the living room in a daze. Christoff was sitting on the couch in the dark just staring blankly into space.
“Christoff, what’s wrong? Why aren’t you in bed?” At first he didn’t respond. “Christoff?”
“I need to get back to L.A. I want to spend some time with the band before our performance. And the guys are stressing out about the nominations. They really want to win. I should get back and spend some time with them.” Christoff’s voice was flat.
“Okay, then I’ll come with you. I just need to pack.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“What about the Awards show?”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Gia. I need to go now.” Christoff got off the couch and gathered his bags never once looking in my direction. “I’ve got to get out of here.” At this point Christoff was talking more so to himself rather than to me.
“What’s going on? Are you breaking up with me?” I couldn’t even pretend to play it cool. My voice was shrill and tense.
“How can I break up with you when we aren’t together?” There was no emotion in his voice.
“Why are you doing this?” My voice cracked and my entire body began to shake.
He pummeled me with his words. “My home is in Germany, and you belong here. We both have very demanding careers and crazy schedules. It would never work between us. I was foolish to ever think otherwise. I just wish I had figured it out before I wasted both my time and yours. I should have never let things go as far as they did.”
“You really think our time together was a waste?” I struggled to speak. I felt like I had just had the wind knocked out of me.
Christoff made his way to the door. “I’m sorry. I really need to leave now. I just can’t do this anymore.” There was a vacant look in his eyes. He seemed cold, and completely devoid of any emotion.
I raced to the door and threw my arms around him. He placed his bags down and returned my embrace. I felt him take a deep breath and hold it inside. After a long, intense moment, he finally exhaled and released me from his embrace. I continued to hold on to him.
“Let go Gia. I need to get out of here. It will be better for both of us.” I buried my face in his chest as I broke down and cried uncontrollably. “Gia, don’t do that. It really isn’t necessary,” he said coldly, as he removed my arms from around his neck. I let myself crumple slowly to the floor as he turned his back to me and hurried out the door. I sat in the doorway and looked out after him as he walked down the hallway that led to the eleva
tors. When he was halfway down the hall, he stopped and turned to face me. “You’re not the only one with hurt feelings here.” His voice was low and tense. but I heard him loud and clear.
As he rounded the corner to the elevator, I continued to cry. I waited there in the doorway after he was long gone. I secretly hoped he would spontaneously change his mind. After sitting in my doorway in a crumpled heap and crying for almost an hour, I crawled back inside, closed and locked the door, and threw myself onto the couch. I laid there, completely exhausted but unable to sleep, for what had to be a couple of hours. I eventually dragged myself to the kitchen and poured a double shot of whiskey. After a bad experience when I was younger, I never did shots, not even at parties, but I needed to make the pain go away and I needed to sleep.
I threw back the entire double shot in one gulp. I poured another double shot for good measure and took it down in four slow sips. It burned going down, and it numbed me almost immediately. I sauntered back into the bedroom, closed the door, drew the blackout curtains, and turned off the light. My mind shut down, and I blacked out into a deep slumber within minutes of my head hitting the pillow.
* * *
When I woke up, my room was completely dark. I instinctively reached over for Christoff, but he wasn’t there. I sat up in bed, and memories from last night flooded my mind, causing my head to spin. I felt dizzy and nauseous, so I lay back down. I glanced over at the clock. It was 5 P.M. I’d slept for almost twelve hours, but I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. I curled into fetal position and took a deep breath. Christoff’s scent was still on his shirt I was wearing. I let the scent overtake me as I got lost in memories of our time together. I wept silently in the dark until I fell back asleep.
Chapter 6
When I opened my eyes, I was disoriented by the depth of the darkness that greeted me. I glanced over at the clock. It said it was 7:00. My vision was too blurry to decipher if it was A.M. or P.M. I had no idea what day it was or how long I’d been sleeping. I reached for my phone that was on the floor. It said it was Sunday morning, 7 A.M. I had been in bed for over twenty-four hours. It was time to get up. I crawled out of bed and opened my curtains to let in some light, but the sun was just rising, and it was an overcast day.
I was really thirsty, and I had a headache from not eating. I made my way into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, but I didn’t have any food, and I didn’t really feel like eating anyway, even though I knew that I should. I poured a tall glass of water and went to sit on the couch. I stared at the television, even though it was off, as I chugged my water. When the glass was empty, I went back to the kitchen for a refill, even though I wasn’t that thirsty anymore.
I took a few sips and lay across the couch, not quite sure what to do with myself. I wasn’t sad anymore, just tired, drained, and numb. Ordinarily at a time like this, I would let go of my frustrations by getting lost in really heavy music, like Aus Deutschland, but I knew that wasn’t the best idea right now. I used the remote control for my surround sound stereo system and turned on my CD player. A beautiful classical piece filled the room. It was a piece I played for Christoff. I closed my eyes and listened to the whole thing. It made me feel nostalgic and slightly melancholy. I got up and searched my entertainment system for my 90s breakup mix I had put together years ago. After going through almost every CD, I found it.
I read the back of the CD case, and it was a better compilation than I remembered. There were twelve amazing tracks, including Mary J. Blige’s “Not Gon’ Cry,” Toni Braxton’s “Another Sad Love Song,” and Sinead O’Connor's “Nothing Compares 2 U.” I lay back on the couch and closed my eyes as I sang along to some of my favorite tracks. I cried cathartic tears as Sinead closed out the CD.
By early afternoon, I was tired of moping. I realized I was wasting precious time that could be spent being productive. There was no reason for me to be sad. I had a lot of exciting things to look forward to. I had several cool projects going on at work, and I was on the brink of a big breakthrough with my career. Besides, Christoff was right, it probably would have never worked out between us. He lived way overseas in Germany, and I belonged in Chicago, and I had no intention of ever moving unless it was back to L.A. There was no use in crying over Christoff, it just wasn’t meant to be.
I decided to get off my butt and get dressed. I blasted my favorite Brittney Spears album as I took a long hot shower. I loved rocking out as I got ready, it always made me feel amazing. I took my time getting dressed, and I curled my hair and put on makeup. I looked and felt like a million bucks, but I didn’t really have anywhere to go.
I grabbed my phone to see if anyone wanted to go out. I had several missed texts and two voicemails. The texts were from co-workers, checking in and asking if my ankle was okay, and the two voicemails were from Miss Amber Ryan. Amber is a big crossover star. She considers herself to be a country artist, but she’s totally pop, and I tease her about it all of the time. Amber and I met when I interviewed her, back when she came out with her first single, before she made it big. We hit it off right away and we’ve been close ever since. We both have crazy schedules, and she’s always on tour, so we only see each other a few times a year, but we talk on the phone and email as often as possible.
I checked both of her voicemails. In her first message, she was asking how my hot date went that I’d told her about last week. She joked that she hadn’t heard from me in awhile so that it must have gone well. She asked me if I ran off and eloped with the guy, and she laughed at her own joke before ending the message. It was great to hear Amber’s voice, but her message made me cringe. I told Amber almost everything, but I wasn’t ready to talk to her about Christoff yet. I deleted that message and checked the next one. In her next message she asked if I had time to talk before Sunday night, because she was nervous about the Awards show. Amber was nominated for several awards, and she had a performance. There was no need for her to be nervous. She always cleaned up in every category, and her performances were always flawless.
I dialed her back to give her a pep talk about the Awards show. Her phone went to voicemail. As I was about to leave a message, my phone beeped on the other end. It was Amber, so I picked up.
“Hey Amber!”
“Hey Gia!”
“It’s good to hear your voice.”
“Yeah, I know. You too. It’s been far too long. I haven’t heard from you in a while. How have you been?”
“I’ve been good, just working. I broke three big stories in a row!”
“Awesome, when I actually have time to sit still I’m going to have to read them. I love reading your work.”
“Thanks Amber!”
“You bet. Sorry I missed your call a minute ago. I’m driving. I’m on my way to a sound check for the Awards show. Eeek! I’m nervous Gia!”
“Don’t be nervous.”
“I’m up against a lot of really great artists this year.”
“You’re an amazing artist. I love your writing and your voice.”
“Aww, thanks!”
“Hey, I just call it like I see it. What are you singing tonight?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“C’mon, at least give me a hint.”
“Nope. You’re just going to have to watch tonight and find out.”
“All right, fair enough.”
“I want you to text me and let me know what you thought of my performance. And be honest.”
“I will. I know you’ll do amazing though.”
“Thanks. One day you’re going to be on the red carpet interviewing everyone and it’s going to be fabulous!”
“I know. I cannot wait!”
“You’re totally going to be the next Ryan Seacrest or Mario Lopez.”
“Yes! It’s going to be awesome.”
“We’re totally going to pop champagne when it happens.”
“For sure! And hopefully it happens sooner rather than later.”
“Oh, it will. Thanks for calling me back
. Talking to you always puts me in a good mood.”
“Same here.”
“I feel like I’m going to kick this Awards show’s ass. I wouldn’t be able to do it without you.”
“You will most definitely kill it. You never disappoint.”
“Thanks Gia. Well I’ve got to run. Traffic is getting bad, and I want to make it to this sound check on time. Thanks again for calling me.”
“No problem. Good luck, even though you don’t need it.”
“Thanks. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I texted a few people to see who was doing what for the Awards show. I decided to go over to my friend Deidre’s house for her annual Awards show party she was throwing. Deidre worked in advertising, and she had lots of colorful friends. Her parties were always a great time. I was excited to catch up with friends that I hadn’t seen in a while, and I was thrilled to meet new people as well. I had a few hours to kill before the party, so I took a walk around my neighborhood. I was in good spirits, and I had a feeling it was going to be an amazing night. My appetite suddenly came back full force, so I stopped at one of my favorite local restaurants for a full and delicious dinner before stopping by the grocery store to pick up wine and dessert for the party.
When I arrived at the party, I made my rounds and greeted everyone, then I grabbed my wine and a plate of hors d’oeuvres, and headed into the living room. There was a group of people gathered around Deidre’s enormous high-definition television, watching the pre-show fanfare. There were so many beautiful couples and amazing evening gowns on the screen. I couldn’t wait until I had my chance to be a part of it all. When it was time for Amber’s performance, I shushed everyone so that I could concentrate. Everyone at the party thought it was really cool that I was friends with her. Her performance was flawless as I expected, and she sang one of my favorite songs of hers. I jumped up and gave her a standing ovation once her performance was over. Everyone laughed at my enthusiasm.
