by Paris Rose
The Awards show was predictable, but enjoyable nonetheless. I correctly predicted most of the winners. When the nominations for Best International Band were announced, the camera panned to each of the nominees. Just as I predicted, Aus Deutschland was announced as the winner, and they zoomed in for a close-up of Christoff. He was sitting next to cosmetics industry heiress and supermodel Bianca Hathaway. Bianca was tall, blonde, and perfect. Her family dominated not only the cosmetics industry, but they owned multiple high-end clothing labels as well. Aside from being the youngest female of the infamous Hathaway family, Bianca was a star in her own right. She was one of the most popular and highest paid supermodels in the industry.
She leaned in and kissed Christoff on the cheek when his award was announced. They whispered back and forth in each other’s ear before Christoff stood to embrace his bandmates, and led them to the stage.
I thought I was going to be sick. I placed my plate on the coffee table and bolted to the bathroom. I slammed the door behind me. My stomach heaved several times, but fortunately I didn’t actually throw up. I sat down on the cool tile floor. My heart was racing and I was pouring sweat. I was so upset I could barely breathe. My head was spinning, and my stomach felt like I was going down a hill on a giant roller coaster. I tried to stand up but I couldn’t. I was paralyzed by my racing thoughts.
How long had they been dating? Would she get to sleep in his arms tonight? Would they make love? Did he ever really care about me?
Several thoughts crashed into each other at the same time. I tried to make sense of everything, but I couldn’t think straight. Suddenly a fit of rage started in the pit of my stomach and permeated throughout my entire being. That liar! That fucking asshole!
“Gah!” My rush of emotion escaped me in one loud scream as I pounded the floor with my fist.
“Are you all right in there?” I heard a guy’s voice and a knock on the bathroom door.
“Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute,” I called out, embarrassed. I stood up, washed my hands, and opened the bathroom door. A guy rushed past me before I even had a chance to step into the hallway.
“Thanks. I really had to go!” He hurried me into the hallway and slammed the door behind me.
“Sorry dude,” I uttered to the closed door. I wanted to be alone, but I knew I needed to be around people, so I made my way back to the living room.
My spot on the couch was taken, so I sat directly in front of the TV, on a pile of over-sized pillows. I was glad my back was to everyone, so no one could see my face. The crowd at the party started to thin out as the after-show gala coverage began. I watched the screen intently, but I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on. My mind was on Christoff, and his apparent new love interest, Bianca. As if they felt me thinking about them, a glimpse of them appeared on the screen as the camera caught up with them entering a high-profile after party.
Christoff usually managed to dodge the media frenzy, but Bianca loved the cameras. Christoff looked annoyed as the reporter repeatedly called his name when he tried to get away. Bianca stopped and led him over to the camera. The reporter spent more time praising Bianca for her stunning dress and her alluring beauty than asking Christoff about his award. I knew him well enough to know he was relieved that he didn’t have to say much. I masochistically hung on every word of their three-minute interview. My heart sank as Christoff grabbed Bianca’s hand, and led her away from the camera and into the party.
It was getting late, and I needed to go home and prepare for the work week. I found Deidre and thanked her for having me. Before I left she mentioned how quiet I’d been during the end of the party, and I truthfully told her I was tired. She hugged me and told me to get some rest, and to send Amber her praises about the performance. I promised her I’d do both as I hugged her goodbye. I was shaking uncontrollably as I walked home, but I had no tears left to cry.
When I got home, I changed into my pajamas and washed my makeup off. I made myself some warm peppermint tea, grabbed my laptop and crawled into bed. I forced myself to work on some articles to take my mind off of everything. I was looking forward to going to work and being productive, so I wouldn’t torture myself with thoughts of Christoff. I wanted to call Amber and tell her everything, but I didn’t want to ruin her Awards show high. I shot her a quick email, telling her that just as I predicted, everyone including me loved her performance. After such a dramatic weekend, I was emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I put away my computer, set my alarm, and drifted into a much-needed slumber.
Chapter 7
It had been over two weeks since the Awards show, and my life seemed to be getting back to normal, aside from the fact that whenever I went to the store, Bianca Hathaway was on the cover of all the magazines. Perhaps she had always been on the cover of all of the magazines and I just hadn’t been paying attention before. These days it just seemed like the Universe was taunting me. I couldn’t escape Bianca’s flawless face. Yesterday after work, while I was in line waiting to pay for my groceries, I picked up a magazine out of curiosity with her on the cover. I flipped to her interview and skimmed it while I waited. She didn’t seem to have much of a personality from what I read, but maybe I was just jealous. At the end of the interview, the journalist asked her if she was seeing anyone. She said it was too early to reveal any names, but she admitted to being pretty crazy about an international rock star. I rolled my eyes and purchased a copy of the magazine so I could stew in my own anger later.
Today was Thursday, so I left work a little early to head to the lake and clear my mind. It was a clear, sunny day, and the sky was a perfect blue, with fluffy white clouds. I walked the lake front trail as I looked out at the horizon. It was such a clear day. I could see for miles. The vastness of the lake made me feel small and empty inside. I thought about Christoff, and tried to imagine where he was and what he was doing at this exact moment. Part of me wondered if he was with Bianca. I sat down on my favorite bench and wrapped my arms around myself, as memories of the time Christoff and I spent together flooded my mind. I decided to call Amber. Talking to her always cheered me up. I was relieved she actually picked up. It was so rare that we actually got ahold of each other.
“Hey, Amber. I’m glad you picked up. How are you?”
“I’m fine. I’ve just been spending the day writing some new songs. What’s up with you?”
“There is a lot I need to catch you up on. Do you have time to talk?”
“For you I do.” Amber was such a good friend. No matter how busy she was, she was always there for me. I was so grateful. I made her swear to secrecy before I told her everything that happened with Christoff, including seeing him and Bianca at the Awards show. She listened quietly until I was finished talking.
“Awww Gia, I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now, but maybe everything that happened was for the best. It’s really hard to have a relationship with a rock star. It’s actually not something I would wish on my worst enemy. They’re notorious for being heartbreakers, especially Christoff Diemacht Hartmann. I know it sucks right now, but I think you got off easy.”
“You’re probably right, Amber, but I can’t stand the thought of him holding Bianca Hathaway in his arms,” I whined.
“Oh, don’t worry about Bianca. She’s kind of crazy. She’s heavy into drugs, and almost all of her relationships end because of it. And from what I heard, she’s really weird, insecure and clingy. She may be gorgeous, but almost nobody wants to date her once they get to know her…at least not anyone in their right minds. If she and Christoff end up together, then they deserve each other. You only deserve the best Gia.”
As catty as it was, I was delighted to discover Bianca wasn’t quite as perfect as I imagined. “Thanks Amber. I can always count on you for the inside scoop.”
“Have you started back dating again?”
“No, I haven’t really been motivated to try to meet someone new.”
“Well, maybe you should look into that,” Amber pushed gent
ly.
“Maybe. We’ll see.”
“You know what? I have a great idea!” Amber piqued my curiosity.
“What?”
“You should come out to L.A. to visit me. We would have so much fun! Who needs rock star boyfriends when you have girlfriends…girlfriends who live in Los Angeles!”
“Yeah! I like the way you think Amber. You’re a bigger star than him anyway. And a much better friend.” I was thrilled with the idea of going to L.A.
Amber giggled. “So that’s a ‘yes’ you’re coming?”
“I think so. I just have to figure out if and when I can take time off of work. I’ll keep you posted.”
“Awesome. Sounds like a plan. I really hope you come.”
“Yeah, me too. Thanks for talking to me, Amber. I really appreciate it.”
“Anytime, Gia.”
“Well, I better go. I’m at the lake, and I need to start heading toward home.”
“Okay. You should go out this weekend so you can meet someone. I think it would do you good to start dating again.”
“Bye Amber.” I smiled as I cut her off.
“Bye Gia. Keep your head up.”
“Thanks.”
* * *
It was finally the weekend. I went out for happy hour Friday, and Saturday night I decided to stay in. I needed to save money in case I decided to take Amber’s suggestion to come visit her in L.A. It was due time for a quiet night in anyway. I needed to relax and recharge. I was lying on the couch, enjoying a pint of delicious Häagen-Dazs ice cream while watching Sex and the City. I was really enjoying my alone time. I had my phone on silent, and I had completely checked out from the world, as I laughed and empathized with Carrie Bradshaw’s adventures in dating.
I had just scooped a heaping mound of ice cream into my mouth when I saw my phone light up. I glanced down. It was Christoff. I almost choked on my ice cream. I figured it was probably a pocket dial, and I decided not to answer. Just minutes later, Christoff’s name flashed across my screen again. My heart raced. Although I would like to say that I had completely forgotten about him and no longer had feelings for him, part of me was thrilled to see his name come up on my phone again. But part of me was angry. It wasn’t fair for him to just barge back into my life, almost three weeks after running off.
I took a deep breath and went back to watching TV, but I could not force myself to pay attention to what was happening on the screen. I couldn’t follow the plot at all, even though I had seen the episode several times. Christoff always had a way of managing to jumble my thoughts, even when he wasn’t here. I started to wonder why he was calling, and if I should have picked up. I was still pretty upset about seeing him with Bianca, but it would have been nice to hear his melodic baritone voice again.
I glanced down and saw a text come through on my smart phone. I paused my DVD and opened the text message. It was from Christoff, and it simply said:
*I miss you more than you know.*
His words triggered a barrage of overwhelming feelings. I felt touched, angry and confused, all at once. I didn’t stop to think before I responded. I punched the keys on my screen hard as I texted back.
*Ooops! I think I got the wrong text. Didn’t you mean to send that to BIANCA HATHAWAY!?*
I secretly wanted him to text me back, so I shut off my phone and put it on the table so I wouldn’t keep checking it. My face was hot with mixed emotions. I closed my eyes and rested my head on my couch pillows to regain my composure.
I sat up and tried to decide if I wanted to watch another episode of Sex and the City, but my thoughts were interrupted by a call coming through on Skype. I got up and walked over to my computer. It was Christoff. I instinctively accepted his video call, but when his gorgeous face appeared on my computer screen I wasn’t sure if I was quite ready to talk to him. I was standing away from my camera so he couldn’t see me, but I could see him.
“Gia?”
“Christoff?”
“Sit down so I can see you.” I hesitated for a few seconds before grabbing a hair tie off my desk, pulling my hair up and complying with his request. I adjusted the camera so he could see me.
“Happy now?”
“No, I’m not happy now. I miss you.”
“Oh,” I eventually responded after a few moments of silence.
“What was that text you sent me about?”
“I don’t think my text needs an explanation. I saw you and Bianca at the Awards show together.”
“Gia, I’m not with Bianca. I texted you. I could be talking to any girl in the world right now, but I called you because I want to talk to you.”
“What is it that you want to say to me then?”
“I don’t know. I just wanted to say I miss you and I can’t stop thinking about you.”
I paused a long time before speaking. “Christoff, did you sleep with Bianca?”
“I barely even know her. We only went out three times, including the Awards show.”
“So you didn’t sleep with her?”
“I didn’t call you to talk about Bianca.”
“So you did sleep with her?”
“Gia, stop it!” Christoff gritted his teeth. I could tell that he was becoming annoyed.
“Stop what, Christoff? Stop asking for the truth?”
“The truth about what, Gia?”
“The truth about the kind of person you are. You are a damaged, broken man Christoff. You can’t even stay with the same woman for more than a week. What is wrong with you? You need to look in the mirror and face your demons, Mr. Christoff Diemacht Hartmann. You can’t just go around hurting people, or one day someone is going to hurt you back and you’ll end up empty and alone. You’ll never fill that void, Christoff.” My words came out hard and heavy. I spoke passionately, but I never once raised my voice. I was actually surprised by how well I was able to control my emotions.
Christoff’s features hardened into a scowl. His piercing dark blue eyes penetrated my computer screen. He drew a breath and bit his lip as he leaned back away from the camera and sat in silence for several moments. “You know what. I think we need to end this conversation, before I say something that both you and I regret. I’m sorry I called.”
“Yeah, me too. Goodbye Christoff.”
“Bye.”
Chapter 8
It had been almost three weeks since I had spoken to Christoff. I wasn’t angry with him anymore, I just missed him. Life wasn’t half as fulfilling without him. I had taken Amber’s advice and tried to start dating again, but it only made me feel more lonely. I joined an online dating site and went out with three different guys. I never made it to a second date with any of them. One was a successful science fiction fantasy writer. He had multiple bestselling titles and he seemed kind, but I was thoroughly creeped out when he said he enjoyed hanging out with the characters he created in his head more than he liked spending time with real people. And to add insult to injury, he wore sweat pants on our date. I excused myself after only an hour with him. He asked me out again, but I politely declined.
After the date with the writer, I got asked out by a powerful litigation attorney. He was a partner at one of the biggest firms in Chicago and he was extremely handsome. I was excited to go out with him. But he turned out to be a total control freak. He became irrationally irritated with me every time I had an opinion that differed from his. The way he turned everything into a debate was exhausting, and he was really condescending. He took me out to a really fancy dinner, but I knew I never wanted to go out with him again. He apparently felt the same way, because I never heard from him after our date. He didn’t even check to see if I made it home safely.
I was ready to give up and become a total recluse after the date with the attorney. But somehow I caught the attention of Jonathan Cromwell, a renowned professional cellist. Everything about him made me want to give dating another chance. He was cute, interesting, and funny. He had studied at Julliard and traveled all over the world before sett
ling in Chicago. He was a little bit older and a lot more sophisticated than me. In the beginning, I thought our date went well. We went to the art museum, then out for drinks at a cozy wine bar. We had very stimulating discussions about food, art, and music. He seemed a little put off by my love for industrial rock music, but I really wanted to see him again. I tried to be a lady, but during the entire date, I couldn’t keep my hands off of him. I would squeeze his thigh to make a point or caress his bicep if he agreed with my opinion on a piece of art or music. By the end of the date, I was longing for him to kiss me. I had been celibate since things ended with Christoff. and my body was aching for attention.
I hadn’t eaten anything, so the three glasses of wine I had went straight to my head. The sultry jazz music playing in the background didn’t help. I felt warm and heady with excitement. While we were waiting for the check, I grazed my legs against his but he didn’t respond. I couldn’t quite read the expression on his face. I looked great and I was feeling really confident, so I leaned in close and tried to silently lure him into a kiss. He immediately pulled back and put some distance between us before taking a long sip of water. He then very curtly explained that while he had a great time with me, there wasn’t any chemistry, so what I was looking for just wasn’t going to happen.
I was completely mortified. I immediately excused myself to go home. He offered to give me a ride to make sure I got home safely, but I insisted on taking a cab. In my haste to climb down from my bar stool, I stumbled and fell headfirst into his arms. I could not possibly have been more embarrassed. I quickly scurried out of the wine bar and never looked back.
After my humiliating date with Jonathan, I decided to keep to myself for a while. Work had become a grind. There were no good albums coming out and no hot stories either. For once, almost everything seemed to be quiet in the entertainment industry, except for the drama between Bianca and Christoff. The magazines reported that Bianca was absolutely crazy about him and she continued to assert that there was something between them. While Christoff, on the other hand, continued to tell the media that he didn’t have any feelings for her, and there was absolutely nothing between them. It looked really messy, and I was actually relieved to have absolutely nothing to do with it. But I couldn’t resist getting my Christoff fix by reading and listening to every story about him. I was no longer devastated about what happened. I was just bored with life and unfulfilled. I wished things had turned out differently between me and Christoff.
