by Paris Rose
I paid my fare and stormed in to see Trevor at a table in the back reading Variety Magazine and enjoying a cappuccino. He glanced up as I approached the table.
“I’ve been texting and calling you, both on your phone and at the hotel. Where have you been?”
“I’m sorry, my phone died. I hope you aren’t mad.” I held out my phone for proof.
“I’m not mad, I’m worried. Is everything okay? Something seems off.” Trevor looked me up and down.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Yesterday Amber and I kind of got into it about, you know, about me and you. So I’m kind of stressed about that.”
“Hey, I’m sorry hanging out with me has brought so much drama into your life.” He stood up and embraced me. I melted into his embrace, and he caressed my back. “I hope you think I’m worth it.” Trevor’s words caused a pang of guilt to hit me in the pit of my stomach. I kissed him on the cheek and we sat down across from each other. “What do you want to eat?” Trevor asked, handing me his menu.
“I don’t think I’m going to have anything. I’m not that hungry. I’ll just have an espresso,” I said as neutrally as possible.
“No French toast?”
“No.”
“They have the kind with strawberries!”
“I said I’m not hungry,” I snapped.
“Sorry, I was only making a suggestion.” Trevor’s voice was tense.
“No, I’m sorry. My mind was somewhere else.”
“Are you sure everything is all right, Giavanna?” Trevor looked concerned.
I sat in silence, just staring at him, for what must have seemed like an eternity. “Trevor, I need to talk to you about something.” The pressure of keeping my tryst with Christoff a secret was enough to make me explode. But I didn’t want to hurt Trevor’s feelings just to relieve myself of the burden of keeping it a secret. I didn’t know what was more selfish, lying to him to spare his feelings, or coming clean to relieve my own stress.
“What’s going on?”
“Trevor… I…” The words got caught in my throat and my eyes began to water. “Trevor, why aren’t we having sex?” The words fell from my lips and landed heavily between us. Trevor’s jaw clenched and he furrowed his brow.
“Is that why you seem so upset today? Because you’re mad that we aren’t having sex?” he asked slowly and deliberately.
“I’m not mad. I’m just frustrated,” I responded quietly.
“I’m sorry that I haven’t lived up to your standards, Princess Giavanna, but I feel that I’ve been more than good to you,” Trevor said sternly. I thought I saw a glint of animosity in his glare, but perhaps it was my own guilt and self-loathing I was seeing reflected back at me. Either way, the look in his eye made me uneasy.
I felt a heavy lump grow in my throat, and my eyes welled up with tears. “Trevor, I didn’t mean it that way.” My voice cracked. “Don’t be offended. I really care about you and you have been great to me. All I’m saying is that what we have feels kind of incomplete to me. I want to know all of you, not just little parts.” I paused. “Is it me, Trevor? Are you just not sexually attracted to me?”
“Why would you say that? You know it’s not you.” He spoke passionately, but his voice was hushed.
“Then what is it?”
Trevor paused. “Look, Giavanna. I’m really into you. In fact, I’m so into you that you seem absolutely perfect to me. You’re my perfect angel.” Trevor seemed to struggle to find words. “I don’t want to…I don’t want to desecrate you. I think very highly of you, and it seems you think highly of me. But I don’t know if we’d see each other the same way after I do the things I’m thinking of doing to you. I don’t want to ruin what we have.” I think Trevor could tell by the look on my face that I was clearly perplexed. I blinked rapidly.
“Why wouldn’t we still think highly of each other after being intimate? If anything, I would think it would bring us closer, right?”
He looked away and drew a deep breath, and then his eyes met mine again. He lowered his voice and spoke slowly. “Here’s the deal, Giavanna. I’m into some pretty intense stuff in the bedroom. I don’t want to get into specifics here in public, but let’s just say…I have some…interesting proclivities…that are on the dark and dirty side. There is a reason I make dark and provocative music. It’s not just for show, it’s a part of who I am. But I really like you because you’re different. I can tell that you aren’t in a dark place, and you aren’t all used-up like most of the women I have met out there. You’re bright and happy and innocent. So I guess I just felt weird showing you that side of me. You seem so sweet. I didn’t want to ruin you. That’s all.”
“I told you when you first met me that you don’t need to protect me. I’m a big girl, Trevor. You don’t have to shelter me.”
“I’m not trying to shelter you.” Trevor’s voice was tense. “But I also don’t want to scare you away. I don’t know if you’re open-minded enough to do the things that I want to do.”
I leaned in curiously and raised my eyebrow. “Try me.”
Trevor’s face flushed red and he averted his gaze. I had never seen Trevor Dunaway look so nervous, not on television and surely not in person. His insecurity was fleeting.
“Okay.” Trevor cleared his throat pulled his shoulders back and looked at me squarely with those dark, captivating eyes. In an instant he was that superhuman billionaire rock god again, and I was the one that was so nervous I had to look away. He waited until I made eye contact again before he continued speaking. “Giavanna, I need to know if you’re willing to let go of all of your preconceived notions about sexuality…about morality…and about control. Do you think you can handle that?”
Trevor’s tone was sensuous and a bit ominous. And his mesmerizing dark brown eyes were putting me in a trance. I was turned on and intrigued. I was also slightly taken aback but I shouldn’t have been, considering what I saw at The Catacombs. It seemed the people who frequented that place were a part of a dark and erotic lifestyle that I had yet to experience. Apparently there was even more to Trevor than I had even imagined. I was in totally foreign territory but my curiosity was piqued. I yearned to connect with all of Trevor even if it meant getting out of my comfort zone.
“I would be willing to explore,” I responded evenly.
Trevor reached across the table and took my hand in his. “Well then, I think that we may be able to make each other really happy. I’m sorry I held back.”
“I understand. I appreciate you finally opening up Trevor.” I smiled, delighted. I felt like we had reached a real milestone in our relationship. I was getting to know Trevor in a really authentic way and not just on a starstruck groupie level. The Hollywood love story we were creating was turning into real-life grown-up stuff. It felt good.
“Hey, do you have any plans for tonight?” Trevor’s eyes lit up.
“I do.”
“Yeah, what’s that?”
“Having hot and dirty sex with a hot and dirty rock star.” I smiled deviously.
“I like the sound of that.” Trevor squeezed my hand. I was excited that Trevor and I were finally going to take our relationship to the next level. I only had two more days in L.A., and then it was back home. Maybe I would never have to tell Trevor about Christoff. I had no idea what would happen with either of them once I was back home in Chicago. I wasn’t going to worry about it now. I was going to enjoy getting to know the dark and dirty side of my prince charming.
Chapter 12
After breakfast, Trevor had a full day of work ahead of him, so we parted ways and agreed to meet up later. He said he couldn’t wait for our rendezvous tonight. My body was pulsing with anticipation. I had been aching for Trevor’s intimacy for almost two weeks, and now I was finally going to get it. I really wanted to call Amber and share everything with her, but I knew she wouldn’t approve of me consummating my relationship with Trevor. And she certainly wouldn’t understand everything that was going on with Christoff.
I d
idn’t want to deal with the friction, so I decided to keep quiet and spend the day alone. As excited as I was, part of me was embarrassed that I was so back-and-forth between Trevor and Christoff. I’ve always frowned upon men who tried to have their cake and eat it, too, and now I was sort of doing the same thing. I had some decisions to make, so I decided to go to the beach to clear my head.
I enjoyed the warmth of the sun on my skin, and the feeling of the wet sand between my toes, as I walked along the shore in Malibu. It was a peaceful day. Not many people were on the beach. The ocean was calm and the breeze was gentle. I took a deep breath and soaked it all in.
I felt so lucky to have had such a wonderful vacation. I dreaded going back to real life in just two days. I was really hoping that Trevor and I would be able to keep in touch when I went back home. I didn’t want it to be just a whirlwind vacation fling, and I didn’t think it was. Trevor seemed to be sincerely interested in me. Or, to be more precise, Trevor was really into the person he thought I was. But if I was going to be honest with myself, I didn’t really think Trevor knew or understood me that well. Sometimes I wished I could be that person Trevor perceived me to be — sweet, innocent, and perfect. I loved how he brought out a giddy, girly, almost juvenilely romantic side of me. When I was with Trevor, life was a fairy tale and I was the perfect princess.
Although I loved the way Trevor saw perfection in me, deep inside, I knew there were parts of me that were flawed. I took a deep breath and looked toward the horizon for answers. As the salty ocean breeze gently kissed my cheeks, I found comfort in knowing that Christoff sees me exactly as I am, and he is so deeply drawn to me because he is similarly flawed. As cliché as it sounds, I can honestly say Christoff is a part of me and I am a part of him. But what we have is difficult and trying. Even though in certain ways we complete each other, in other ways we tear each other apart. My relationship with Christoff was so challenging and complex. Things with Trevor were effortless and as close to perfect as possible.
I could actually see Trevor and I as quite the power couple. He had already introduced me to several people who could really help my career. Simply being linked to Trevor Dunaway, billionaire music mogul, put my career as an entertainment journalist on a whole new level. If Trevor and I became an item, I would be the first person to have the inside scoop on the metal and hard rock scenes, and I would also have additional access to the mainstream pop world, too. Even though he likely wouldn’t admit it, Trevor knew even more big names than my dear friend Amber. And I’m not one that expects things to be handed to me, but if Trevor and I really became something, perhaps he would give me a correspondent position on his television network Rock Hard TV.
The possibilities of what would become of my life with Trevor were endless. Not only would being with him single-handedly improve my career, but my social life would be that much more stimulating as well. In my spare time, I could mingle with music geniuses, eat at the finest restaurants, and get into the most exclusive VIP events. I would automatically be on every list in Hollywood. I’ve worked so hard to get back to where I was after my fall from grace when I got blacklisted from the industry, but it’s been a slow grind. If I started a life with Trevor I would be able to go infinitely beyond even the highest point I’ve ever been able to reach on my own.
I laid my towel down on the sand and stretched out as I thought about how lucky I was to have piqued the interest of Trevor Dunaway. By nature of the work that I do and the cities that I’ve lived in, I’ve been courted by attractive and powerful men before, but I’ve never had someone as breathtaking and powerful as Trevor Dunaway even look twice at me. Not only was he beautiful, rich, and powerful, but he was kind, affectionate, and interesting, and he made me feel good inside. I smiled and wiggled my toes in delight as I thought about what the future had in store for me.
I reached into my bag to grab my phone and check the time. It was already late afternoon, but I still had several hours before I got to bask in Trevor’s charismatic warmth again. I noticed I had a missed call. I wondered who it was. I assumed it was Amber looking for me.
I checked my voicemail and my entire body involuntarily tingled when I heard the voice on the other end. It was Christoff. I hadn’t expected the message to be from him, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was.
The sound of his melodic baritone voice always pulsated through every fiber of my being, even when I didn’t want it to. His message said that he really needed to talk with me, and that he had something important that he had to say to me. His tone was reserved as usual, but there was urgency in his words. He said he was leaving town tonight to check out a recording studio in Seattle for his band’s new album, so to call him back as soon as I got the message. I was curious as to what he had to say, and I wanted to talk to him so I could officially end things between us. We both deserved closure so that we could move on. I shouldn’t have met up with him last night. It just made things more complicated, but that being said, I don’t regret it. I never regret any time spent with Christoff, even if it leaves me torn and confused.
I called him back right away. I was anxious to find out what he had to tell me, but I was dreading cutting ties with him. My stomach was in knots as I dialed him back. He picked up after two rings.
“Gia.”
“Christoff, how are you?”
“I need to see you. Where are you?”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes. I’m fine. There is just something that needs to be said.”
“I have some things I really need to say, too.”
“Where are you? I’ll come get you.”
“I’m in Malibu, on the beach.”
“Okay, I will be there soon.”
“Okay, I’ll be here.”
My heart raced as I got off the phone. I was bombarded with mixed emotions. I had no idea what Christoff had to say to me and why it was so urgent. Perhaps he was ready to make a clean break as well. This was not going to be fun, but I found comfort in knowing that, whatever happened, at least I would get to look into Christoff’s smoldering dark blue eyes one more time before saying goodbye. And even though the circumstances weren’t ideal, I was excited to see him again. I was always delighted by Christoff’s presence. I slid on a pair shorts and a light jacket over my bikini before packing my towel in my beach bag and heading toward the street.
It seemed like time stood completely still as I waited for Christoff to arrive. I rehearsed what I wanted to say in my head what seemed like a hundred different ways. The problem was, I actually had no idea what I wanted to say. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I really didn’t know what I wanted. Intellectually, I knew that the best thing to do was to cut all ties with Christoff completely and focus on building my relationship with Trevor. But my heart couldn’t stand the thought of not having Christoff in my life. It was almost unbearable. And to make things even more complex, my body ached for both Trevor and Christoff. But it was not fair to either of them to have a physical relationship or otherwise with both of them at the same time. I had to choose one, out of respect for them, and more importantly, out of respect for myself.
I was so lost in my own thoughts that when Christoff pulled up in his silver Mercedes rental, it actually startled me a bit. My body jolted and I had to take a few deep breaths to compose myself before making my way to the passenger door. I braced myself for what was to come before climbing inside. Christoff looked at me with a penetrating gaze.
Once I fastened my safety belt, he pulled off onto the Pacific Coast Highway without saying a word. I was grateful for the silence. It was nice to just be with Christoff without having to say anything. I admired the ocean from the highway as it sparkled under the low-hanging sun. I had a moment of intense déjà vu, as I felt Christoff reach down and shift gears. I was flooded with memories of the night we first met, when he took me cruising down the Pacific Coast Highway at sunset, before we boarded his private jet for an experience that would change the trajectory of both of o
ur lives. I wanted to hover in the limbo of this nostalgic moment for as long as nature would allow. I glanced over at Christoff. His strong and masculine stature took up a lot of space in the sporty Mercedes coupe. His massive bicep flexed as he shifted gears to steer around a sharp corner.
He looked pensive and intense. I sensed a current of emotion flow through him as he let out a deep sigh. Even though I saw Christoff as a friend, a lover, and the man I had shared some of the most intimate moments of my life with, there was still a part of me that was completely starstruck by him. He was larger than life, even in his most vulnerable moments.
“Where are we going, Christoff?”
“I don’t know, Gia. Where do you want to go?”
I got the sense that we were having a secret conversation between the lines. “I don’t know.” I sighed. “Do you want to get something to eat?”
“No, I want to talk to you in private.”
“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”
Christoff pulled over on the side of the highway alongside a picturesque California mountain. After a moment of silence, he grabbed my hand and squeezed. His touch was warm. I squeezed his hand back. He looked into my eyes with a profound seriousness that made me sit up at attention.
“Gia, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say this. As I’ve told you before, I often have a hard time expressing my feelings outside of my music. This should have been said a long time ago, but I wasn’t a strong enough person to say it, and I’m sorry for that.” Christoff spoke quietly, but his tone was intense. “Gia, I’m sorry I walked out on you the weekend of the Awards show. And I’m sorry that I did not have you there by my side that night as I should have. I’m sorry for not staying in touch as much as you deserve. And I’m really sorry that I haven’t been as forthright about my feelings as I should have been.” Christoff tightened his grip around my hand as if he was bracing himself. “Giavanna, I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved a woman before in my entire life. Simply knowing you makes me so sorry for all of the mistakes I’ve made in the past, and all of the people I have hurt before you. Being with you fixes that part of me that was once broken. You make me think about someone other than myself. You make me a better man, Gia, and that’s just a fraction of why I love you.”
