Maggie's Five ...the first in a LOVE story

by Sandra Fitzgerald

  Today is October fifteen, Mattie’s birthday. It should have been her fourth.

  Every time Luke sees me starting to dwell too deeply or for too long, he distracts me. And it’s been working a treat. Only this time, I was sound asleep dreaming of strong hands massaging me to jelly.

  Luke continues nipping his way up my side to my jaw, where he gently sucks on my skin and breathes me in. “I bought you something, if that’s okay. Not fine,” he adds quickly, reminding me of my so-called ‘Tell’.

  I twist as far as I can manage and bite him on his jaw. “I don’t have a ‘Tell’.”

  I don’t really care either way. If anything it’s interesting that he’s picked it up, and it’s given me something to think about, but I like playing with him.

  He reaches over, shifts so he’s lying next to me and opens a drawer in the bedside table. Turning back, he says, “Don’t get mad,” then holds out a small box.

  I don’t know if he’s asking me or warning me, so I nod instead of reply and wait for him to open it.

  Inside is a white gold chain with two white gold stick figure girls hanging from it. One of the charms has an orange fire opal body in the shape of a triangle dress, the other a purple amethyst triangle body. They’re delicate and precious, like my girls.

  My eyes pool blurring, the fragile necklace, as Luke takes the chain and leans over me, attaching the hook at the back of my neck.

  “They’re perfect Luke, like you. Thank you, so much.”

  He’s not trying to help me forget, he’s trying to help me remember and cope. Seriously, what’s not to love?

  “You’re perfect for me Maggie Mae,” his says, his voice hoarse with raw honesty. He kisses my chest where the charms are resting and swallows thickly. “Maggie? You remember when I said to you that it ‘never gets better, might get easier but never better’?”

  I look to him crossing my brows, scrambling back in thought. “Yes, vaguely. It seems so long ago now.”

  “Well, I was wrong, and I’m sorry for ever saying it because I am a better man with you, and life is easier. Everything is easier and better with you.” Luke leans closer and trails his nose lightly over mine before kissing my mouth like I might shatter at any moment, igniting a flame deep in my core. “I’m sorry I ever said it,” he murmurs and kisses me again, then picks up the two little triangles. “They look good on you.”

  Sucking my bottom lip into my mouth, I pinch back my smile. “You look good on me.” I’m naturally shy when it comes to pillow talk. It’s something I never managed to master.

  “Hell yeah I do baby.” Luke’s deep rumbling voice brings my privates to attention. When he dives at me and kisses me senseless, I’m left gasping.

  “Up for another round, Maggie Mae?”

  “Hell yeah, baby,” I laugh, feeling silly trying to mimic him until he releases a growl and assaults my mouth, working his way south.

  By the time he reaches the apex of my thigh, I’m feeling pretty darn good.

  I’M STICKY AND warm, wrapped in the thick down quilt and drifting in and out of that state of drowsiness between sleep and awake. Luke’s gone to make some calls for work and promised, around peppering me with kisses, to return with real coffee. Not force me to drink the instant stuff that’s stale and lost in the back of a dark cupboard, awaiting its next unsuspecting victim.

  Tucking the covers higher under my chin, I breathe in Luke’s scent and shiver with the tingle of goose-bumps scattering over my naked flesh. He’s been wonderful, is wonderful. I can admit it to myself and feel no remorse, because I know.

  I know that I love my late husband and will for as long as I live, but I also know that he’s gone. And will never be back.

  Brendan was hit by a SUV on Christmas day nearly a year ago and was killed by a drunk driver. I will always love him and miss him. But I also have to learn to forgive him. So here I am forgiving him for not taking better care of our children, forgiving him for letting them die, forgiving him for dying, and forgiving him for leaving me.

  I’m getting closer to forgiving myself.

  Ella and Matilda were hit by the same four wheel drive on the same day. They were out playing with their father and were struck and killed. They fought to live as best as their little bodies could, but it wasn’t enough. I’ll love them beyond my grave and into eternity.

  This is my reality; I have to come to terms with letting them go. I’m not sure if I’ll completely reach that point, but this is what my life is now.

  Today is my Mattie’s fourth birthday.

  My baby girl’s fourth birthday which she will never have.

  It’s depressing beyond imagination to fathom outliving your children, then having to survive the fact. It’s absolutely inconceivable, especially when you’re the one existing through the unimaginable.

  Ella’s birthday was back in March and I missed it. I missed it because I was so wasted I couldn’t function coherently, let alone know what day it was. That’s never going to happen again.

  I’ve also come to learn that it’s time, time for me to open my eyes and see what’s been in front of me for the past ten or so months.

  My family was killed in a horrible accident. And now they’re gone. No matter how much I beg or bargain, how angry I get or how many tears I shed, nothing is going to change the fact that they will be forever gone.

  At least in their forever they get to spend it together.

  “Hey Maggie Mae, are you crying under there?” The bed shifts as Luke works his way under the quilt to find me. “Hey baby, come here.” His voice sounds so sad for me.

  I roll to him and clutch his chest like he’s my life preserver, heaving ugly, honest tears for what feels like the first time.

  “They’re gone Luke,” I sob into his t-shirt. “They are really gone and never coming back. I’m never going to see them again and it hurts so bad. It hurts so bad, Luke. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do with any of it.”

  “You do this, baby,” Luke says with a thick voice. “You do this. You cry for them and love them big Maggie.” He wraps his arms and legs tighter. “I’ve got you baby, I’ve got you. Just let go Maggie Mae, let it all go.”

  Luke’s silent weeping dampens my hair. “I’ll always be here, holding you right back Maggie.”

  The bed shifts as he buries his face into my neck so we’re as close as two people can possibly get. “I love you big, baby. I’ll love you big enough and hard enough for the both of us for the rest of our lives.”

  Luke’s shoulders start to shake, his tears falling freely and pooling with mine.

  We’re tangled and surviving, mourning our collective loss.

  Learning how to exhale.

  “GOOD COFFEE?”

  “Meh, cold coffee.” It’s still good, though. But where’s the fun in telling him that?

  “That’s your fault.”

  “Mine?”

  “Yes. You totally need to learn how to restrain yourself.” Luke inhales noisily through his teeth, stretches into a slouch and slides further into the bench seat. “Then again, you’re only human,” he concludes proudly, rubbing his hands over his chest. If he starts doing the whole Tarzan pounding the chest thing, I’m out.

  “Oh honey, we’ve been over this. You are not Thor or unfortunately, Captain America.”

  “Nah, you’re right. I’m way cooler.” He grins with a cheeky spark in his blue, blue eyes.

  “Honestly?” I say, staring at him in disbelief. He captures my hand after I smack him playfully on his chest, and keeps it.

  I do think Luke has it all over Thor and Captain America and every other fictional charter out there, though. And a few non-fictional ones too.

  “Honestly? You’re the best babe.” Luke grins. I knock into his shoulder. He’s so hammy sometimes. He keeps me too, wraps an arm around me and keeps me.

  We’re comfortably quiet for a long while, taking in the view. The sun’s reflecting on the water, bringing those diamonds back to
life. The swell’s building into waves folding in on themselves to create a foaming white wash on the shore, drawing the depleted energy through the rip, back out into the deep to begin the mesmerizing process over and over again.

  “Hey Maggie?”

  “Mmm?”

  “You about ready to start breathing again?”

  “Yeah, I think I am, Luke,” I say with absolute honesty fluttering like a hundred butterflies through my body. I’m straight up nervous about my future, and petrified by it at the same time, but in a good way.

  Pressing his lips to my cheek Luke murmurs, “I’ve got an idea,” interrupting my thoughts and tugging on my hand while he stands.

  “What do you have in mind?”

  “Come on. I’ll show you.”

  Those nervous butterflies just turned into weary nervous butterflies. And excited nervous butterflies. And fervent nervous butterflies…

  Luke leads me across the soft lawn to a gravel path encased with native trees and shrubs. The narrow descending trail slowly begins to blend with sand and soon becomes the ocean’s foreshore. Wrapping an arm around my back, Luke slips his hand into my back pocket and directs me to a boathouse that’s been converted into a surf shop. Climbing up the weathered front steps with an outstretched hand, Luke asks the guy setting up various pieces of water equipment if his name is Josh Stevens.

  “Luke Andrews?” Josh nods, shaking Luke’s hand.

  “Nice to meet you. This is my Maggie.” Josh and I shake hands with our ‘hellos’ but I’m too busy digesting Luke’s possessive introduction to give him my full attention. ‘My Maggie’. Kinda has a nice ring to it if you ask me.

  “Ever done this before Maggie?” Josh asks, leading us inside his shop.

  Huh? “Considering I’m about ninety percent sure what you’re talking about, I’m going to run with a resounding nope.”

  “That’s cool. Luke tells me he knows what he’s doing, but if you have any probs, come get me yeah?” he says, holding up a full length wetsuit against me. “Here, try this one. Looks pretty close to your size.” Then he moves to another rack to find something for Luke.

  Heading to the change room, I catch Luke smiling. The guy couldn’t be prouder of himself. “You had this planned out all along, didn’t you?”

  Nodding his thanks to Josh for his gear, Luke squints, then leans into me so closely I can taste his minty coffee breath. “Admit it babe, you can’t wait to see me in this thing, all wet and pressed up against you.” He forces me backwards so we’re in the same stall.

  I stop his movement with a flat hand to his chest, “Josh meant separate change rooms.” Then I close the door on both Luke’s gobsmacked face and Josh’s laughter.

  “When you guys are ready, come find me, yeah?”

  “Thanks Josh,” I chirp out, to hear Luke’s grunt, which sends me into a full on fit of giggles.

  In the end, Luke’s got on a really cool pair of board shorts and a royal blue and white rash vest combo that make his already blue eyes appear other worldly, while I’m stuck suffocating in a full length black steamer, that I’m sure is a size too small. Guess it’s safe to say we know who picked my outfit out. And it wasn’t me.

  “Okay babe, find your balance. Let your feet dangle off the end of the board. When you see the wave approaching, start kicking and paddling your arms as hard as you can, yeah?”

  “Yeah?” I mimic his twang, being cheeky. He bites the arch of my foot for my effort, which shoots an electric charge to all my vital organs and has me thinking of ways to get him in more favourable positions.

  “Yeah,” Luke twangs like a natural. Living in the States has given him the ability to turn his American accent ‘on’ and ‘off’ like flicking a switch.

  “Paddle, babe,” Luke calls, back to being an Aussie, pushing me with the rise of the wave. “That’s great baby,” he yells louder. “Now hop up onto your knees… straighten up or you’re-” I catch Luke diving under an approaching wave in my peripheral vision as I squeal into my wipe-out.

  Swimming up next to me, he shakes the water from his face, causing his hair to stick out perfectly surfer cool. “That was great babe.” His grins widens with my questioning expression. Yeah, he’s lying. We both know I am beyond bad at this. “You just need a little more practice is all,” he says, back to being an American. And I gotta say, it sounds hot. “You want another go at it, Maggie Mae?” he asks, thickening that accent and quirking his brows as he moves the board for me to hop back on.

  Oh boy, with that accent and the water dripping off of him, the sparkle in his eyes, yeah I do - just not surfing. “It’s been over an hour, Luke,” I whine, hoping to get him on the shore for a snog – snack. I mean snack.

  “And you’re doing great.”

  “And you are such a bad liar, but thank you. How about you stay out here and play with all the other people that can actually do this,” I say, spitting out water after a wave crashes behind me, “and I go sit and admire?”

  “How about you get your arse – which looks fantastic in that wetty by the way - and go again?”

  “Hmm, what’s in it for me?”

  Ducking under a wave, Luke responds the second we break the surface.

  “Me.” Yeah, that’ll work.

  We spend the rest of the day in and out of the water, stopping for much required snog - snack breaks. Luke spends some time in by himself, showing off with a few other people who managed to make it look far too easy for my liking. Unfortunately, just when I thought I was off the hook, he dragged me back in until I managed to stand and ride a wave. I’m sure it wasn’t very pretty, but I stood up… which was a freaking blast by the way.

  The day ended up being spectacular.

  Luke Andrews is spectacular.

  Chapter 15

  “Hey, you’re still going in here?”

  “Just finishing up now,” I reply, dropping the paint brush on the lid, looking up. “Oh. My God.” My eyes widen at the sight of Luke in his dark coal suit. All slimline cut, perfectly tailored and so freaking sexy I want to tear the thing off of him and lick him senseless. Hmm, maybe something I can savour over for later.

  Okay, so there’s no maybe about it. The poor guy’s not going to know what hit him when he gets home tonight.

  “What?” His arms leave his sides, looking himself over. “Did I dribble tooth paste on my jacket again?”

  “You’re really not fair you know?” I tell him. Luke’s face creases in confusion. “You are so…”

  I inhale deeply, searching for the right word and nearly get knocked on my butt from the smell of his cologne. Ugh. So good, so not fair. “I’m going with beautiful, but I don’t mean it to sound emasculating. You… You’re beautiful Luke. Just remember that you live here with me when all those women swoon okay?” I swallow. Drooling is an absolute possibility. Any second now. And it would mean Luke would end up naked and all sexed up and have to re-shower and re-dress, then be late for his meeting. Or not make it at all.

  He smiles gently, walking further into our bedroom to cup my face. I love it when he cups my face like this. It’s soft and loving; he looks directly into my eyes and sees all of me. He’s showing me that he’s here, really here and all for me.

  He presses a perfectly soft kiss on my lips, brushing them lightly with his, and exhales a warm breath. “Have you seen yourself, Maggie?” he asks with so much love in his eyes that I just want to dive right in there and love him right back. “Even with half a tin of paint splashed over you, you’re gorgeous, and more than I could have ever hoped for.” He leans into me to resume his careful exploration of my mouth, probing my tongue with the tip of his, tasting and savouring me before deepening the kiss.

  Good Lord, if he keeps this up, there’s no way he is ever going to make it to his dinner.

  Luke’s in the process of opening a branch of his company, Andrews Link, here so he won’t have to travel so much anymore. Not that he’s been traveling; those days have come to an end. He’s alrea
dy told me he’s pushed his luck about as far as he can and the wolves are scratching at the doors, so to speak, and some changes need to be made. Hence the business dinner.

  When Luke’s hand snakes around my waist and works its way to my butt, I know it’s time for him to go… or get naked.

  We need a distraction, a mood changer. Or to get undressed.

  “I think it’s time for you to go take your ugly self out of here.” What I really want to say is, ‘I want to get on my knees and take you in my mouth’, but that will only lead to the getting naked thing. And we’ll get all sweaty and dirty, then we’d need to shower, that would lead to soap and massage- ahhh. Not good.

  “Funny. Don’t care what you say, babe. You’re fucking gorgeous and I’m glad that you’re mine,” he replies seriously, moving closer to hug me.

  “No, don’t,” I yell louder than I mean to; stopping him with an outstretched hand hovering centimetres away from his chest. “You’ll get paint on your suit.”

  “Then kiss me so I can taste you while I’m gone.” Aww, he’s such a smoocher, and so, so sweet.

  I start fake gagging.

  “Oh, real nice Maggie. That’s it.”

  Luke lunges at me, whips my shirt over my head and lifts me off the ground in a strong hold. “Kiss me, woman.”

  I start to squirm, turning my face from side to side, laughing through tightly locked lips. “You’re asking for it Maggie Mae, if you don’t hit me with one-”

  I hit him.

  Big.

  Huge.

  It’s wonderful.

  I like kissing. I like kissing a lot. I like kissing Luke a whole lot more than a lot. I love the way his soft lips press against mine and the way his scratchy stubble prickles, the way he brushes his tongue along mine.

  “You better get going, or-” I love the way he makes my heart race, I love how my chest brushes against his, how my nipples harden…

  “Or?” He’s brushing that tongue of his up my neck. God, I’m melting.

  “Something, I was thinking, something.” Ugh, he’s biting at my earlobe, how am I even standing at this point?