Perfect Little Plan

by Jennifer Miller

  She laughs and a tear falls down her face, bringing a smile to my face at its beautiful contradiction. My heart swells with friendship, loyalty and love for my friend. “I’ll miss you too. I mean, I know we will still see one another and like you said, I’m over there more than I’m here anymore, but completely moving out is just so final, you know? I guess I haven’t been wanting to let go.”

  “Look, you can stay here as long as you want. I’m not telling you that you have to leave. I just want you to know that I will be fine and I’m happy for you, and this is all a great and exciting thing and I’m so honored that I get a front row seat to all of your dreams coming true.”

  “I love you too. So much.”

  I laugh joyously, “So now admit it, how many times has Luke asked you to get your butt over there?”

  A grin crosses her features and lights up her eyes, “More times than I care to admit. Especially after what we shall now call, ‘the couch episode’.”

  “Ugh. Can we not call it anything? Like banish it from our memories?” She laughs and I find myself laughing in return. “You should call him and tell him the news. I’m sure he’s going to be really happy.”

  “Are you sure about this? He will probably be over here immediately with boxes, helping me pack up the rest of my belongings before I change my mind. How much you want to bet me?”

  I stand up from the table, “I’m not taking that bet because I have no doubt you’re right.” I bring my coffee mug to the sink to rinse it out then turn to her, “Come on then, let’s get a head start on gathering your things.”

  We walk into her bedroom hand and hand to do just that.

  Later that evening, I’m alone, enjoying a glass of wine and thinking about the love on Luke and Olivia’s faces as they took the last of her boxes to his waiting vehicle. Olivia was right. Luke showed up not only with boxes but with Rixton’s borrowed truck to load up her stuff. To say he was enthusiastic is an understatement.

  Olivia gave me a significant bear hug, one that nearly fractured my ribs and suffocated me as they readied to leave, while Luke mouthed a thank you behind her back. How he knew I was responsible for giving her the push she needed, I don’t know, but I smiled back and gave him a wink. I should make him buy me shoes to show his appreciation. Jimmy Choo’s.

  When my doorbell rings, I’m surprised and apprehensive. I have no idea who would be coming by. When I look through the peephole, I’m surprised to see Rixton leaning against the doorframe. Opening the door I look at him with surprise, “Hey. What are you doing here?”

  “Well, when Luke asked to borrow my truck to move out Olivia, I figured you could maybe use a friend tonight, so as soon as I got off work, I came right over.”

  Surprised and completely moved, I grab a fistful of his shirt and pull him inside, kissing him as I close the door behind him. I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t already been falling, I would have nose-dived into love right then and there.

  WE’RE LYING IN MY BED HOLDING each other close. Before returning to bed, Rixton sat on the couch and watched Supernatural episodes with me for a while; poking fun at the fact that Olivia and I love the show. He made comments about Dean and Sam, calling them ‘pretty boys’ and saying that they are probably super prissy in real life. I refuse to believe that and am glad Olivia isn’t here because those are fighting words. I must tell Olivia we can never watch this show with both Luke and Rixton around at the same time. It would be ugly. I picture lots of blood, nails scratching, and screaming.

  Knowing without words that his closeness is exactly what I needed tonight, when I started yawning Rixton turned off the TV, stood up, reached for my hand and led me to my room. I’m practically purring in his arms, immensely enjoying the feeling of fingers running through my hair. It’s like he knows the way to my heart; in fact, it almost feels spiritual. It also shows me that he listens. One night when he asked me what service I most liked to receive at my spa, I told him I’d take a scalp massage over a full body massage any time. It doesn’t bother me that I have crazy electrocuted looking or oily messy hair by the time it’s finished. The pleasure is well worth it. In addition, Rixton having been with me during my last massage, likely picked up on my enjoyment. I hope he never stops, it’s fabulous, and, come to think of it, scratch spiritual and replace with orgasmic.

  He’s quiet, but I swear I can hear the thoughts turning in his mind. I can’t help but ask him, “What are you thinking about?”

  He looks down meeting my eyes, “I’m thinking that someday I’d like to take you with me to Texas.”

  I can tell he’s gauging my reaction to his words, but all I feel is intrigued – and special that he would want to share that part of his life with me. Resting my hands on his chest, I throw a leg over his so I’m half lying on top of him. I prop my chin on my hands and get comfortable. Moving has made the scalp manipulations discontinue, but I don’t mind. I find equal delight lying like this with him and relish his thought and smile, “You would?”

  “Yes,” he reaches out and tucks my hair behind my ear. He’s always doing that and I love it. “I think you would really like it. No, scratch like, you’d love it. I think you’d definitely love it.”

  “Tell me about your home and why you think that.”

  He smiles and then closes his eyes. He has that faraway look in his eyes, revealing he’s picturing his home in his mind to provide specific details. “The house itself is simply beautiful. There really is no other way to describe it. A combination of white and gray, with beautiful brick details that must have taken hours to perfect. A great architectural design. It has huge picture windows that are surrounded with white shutters, a wraparound porch with a swing, and a lawn so green and lush it almost kills you to mow it. The house sits on 100 acres of land.” My eyes widen. I can’t picture that, but I know it’s a lot. “My daddy helped build it himself with his brothers years ago, not long after he and my mama were married. The land had been in my family for years and neither of my dad’s brothers wanted it in light of the associated responsibility. My daddy freely snatched it up and they got to work. He and my mama always wanted a home with a lot of land, and my daddy was determined to make her dreams come true – no matter what. If my granddaddy had told him no, or my uncles would not have wanted to deed their portion, he would no doubt have figured out another way to get her that dream.”

  “That’s extremely sweet. It sounds like he really loved her.”

  “He did. I still remember hearing the story about when he surprised mama. She, of course knew, the house was being built, and was in on the design plans, but when it was done, he insisted on blindfolding her and taking her to the property.”

  “Oh! I can picture it in my mind. Your dad, who I imagine to look like you, would be smiling in pure pleasure as he brings his wife to their new home. He would be giddy and smiling, excited and proud of his accomplishment. I picture your mother so excited she could burst, eager to arrive at their destination. Holding hands tightly, she would giggle in anticipation and he would run loving circles over the back of her hand smiling at the sound. It would be true enchantment, exceeding that in any fairy tale.”

  “Aw Red, I like the picture that creates; and you are right. It likely was like that. And, I do definitely favor my daddy.”

  I smile, happy that I could put that thought in his mind.

  “About a half mile around the house, there’s a white fence that encloses the house in a large square. When you drive into the property up a reasonably long road, he built a large gate. The fence ends on either side of the road and there’s brick that matches the house built up very high. A gate connects the two sides, and there are words made of metal above that makes an awning. You have to pass under it, to access the house.” Now he smiles, no doubt picturing the parents he loves, “He helped my mama out of the truck, and stood her in front of the gate before he took off her blindfold. The metal sign at the top of the gate names the ranch. He named it ‘Wild Heart Ranch’. When she saw it, the f
irst thing she asked was why he chose that name. You see, he hadn’t asked her opinion; he just chose the name himself. He told her it was because that’s how she makes his heart feel. Wild.” His soft smile widens and I can see the love he has for his parents in his expression as he opens his eyes even wider, looking at me and for my reaction. “My daddy says she stood and stared at that sign for a long time and then things happened that just weren’t any of our business. But I heard once that he said that’s when my brother was conceived.”

  I sigh and smile broadly, “That’s really romantic.”

  “It is, isn’t it?” He laughs, “That’s the funny thing. I wouldn’t say my daddy was a softie by any means, but around her, he became a different person – something better – something more. And that was always the case. Even after all that time.”

  “How long were they married?”

  “They were just shy of their thirtieth wedding anniversary when he died.” I can hear the pain in his voice.

  “How did he die?” I ask softly a little unsure if I should have asked the question.

  “Cancer.”

  “I hate that word.”

  He sighs, “Me too, darlin’, me too. Looking back, it seemed like it happened so fast. He went from diagnosis to chemotherapy and radiation so quickly. They said the cancer was aggressive and already well advanced and he needed to take action right away. I felt like we barely had time to absorb the diagnosis before we were told that he only had months to live. The cancer was already so far along that by the time they found it treatment did little to help. He was determined to do anything and everything he could to prolong his life, but in the end, it didn’t help and I think that was one of the hardest things to swallow.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We watched him waste away. He would go to appointment after appointment, all of us taking turns to help him. He never complained, never said a word about it. Kept going like it was just part of his daily routine, like brushing his teeth. In the end, it didn’t matter and all the treatment did was make him sick, confine him to bed because he was so weak, and took up his time. Time he could have spent doing something he loved. In hindsight, I wish we had spent all that treatment time making memories. Not that we didn’t do that too, but it was all for nothing.”

  “Yes, but he didn’t know that. I’m sure he and your mom made the best decision they could given the information they had. And he loved you all and no doubt wanted to do anything he could to be with you as long as possible.”

  “I know. It’s just still hard to swallow. Seeing my bigger-than-life dad so weak and worn away from a vicious disease was something I don’t think I will ever forget. And as if watching that wasn’t hard enough, one time I couldn’t sleep and decided to go check on my dad to see if he needed anything. Toward the end, we all took shifts caring for and watching him. We had a big old bed delivered and placed it in the room that has the big picture window because he loved to stare out that thing. I thought since I couldn’t sleep, I’d relieve someone so they could get some rest. When I got to the door of the room, my mama was in with him, even though I know for a fact it wasn’t her shift. We had sent her to get some rest earlier. Anyway, I was struck immobile by the two of them staring at each other, talking and looking so intense. I heard him,” he pauses and his eyes get glassy. Clearing his throat he continues, “I heard him tell my mama that he didn’t want to leave her and then apologized, saying how sorry he was that he couldn’t stay with us longer.” A tear runs down his temple and he sniffs. I feel tears fall down my face in response. “Anyway, it’s something I will never forget. He was fighting to stay with her as long as he could to the very end. They loved each other like nothing I’ve ever seen and if I ever doubted, that convinced me of how lucky I was to have such loving examples of what it meant to be spouses and how fortunate I was to pay witness to that scene. It still gave me hope and appreciation for life and for love. How could it not?”

  “I can’t even imagine how hard that had to be, Rixton. I am sure your mom misses him desperately every day.”

  His fingers are trailing up and down my spine, making me shiver. “We all do, but she most of all.” He pauses for a moment, lost in thought. “While the house is as beautiful as I described, it’s not my favorite place on the ranch. My favorite place is the barn.” He looks at me and smiles, “Don’t make fun of me now, darlin’, but I’m going to be honest with you.”

  His smile is infectious and helps shake off the sorrow my heart feels at the loss of his father, “Please do.”

  “I love the smell of the hay, the welcoming sounds the horses make when you walk inside. I used to spend hours in there reading, dreaming, hiding in the rafters and eavesdropping on others when they would come inside. I would play in there for hours pretending. I was a world champion bull rider, a horse trainer, or a sheriff. It was my special place. Many times, I would fall asleep in there, which always resulted in a scolding from my mama.” I giggle at the thought of Rixton getting in trouble. “You though… you would love the sunflower field. The sun sets over it and it makes the flowers look like they’re on fire. The prettiest yellow gold you’ve ever seen with sunflowers reaching toward the sky for what looks like miles.”

  “It sounds extremely beautiful.”

  “It is. We have a mini water hole through the woods in the back of the property; my brothers and I spent many a summer swimming and swinging from a rope we hung from a tree. We would have contests over who could do the fanciest jumps and who could jump the farthest. It’s a wonder how none of us ever broke our necks.”

  There’s pure longing and something else, maybe loss, in his voice. “It sounds like you miss it.”

  “I do,” he squeezes me closer to him, as if the act will push away the wanting of his home, “more than I thought I would.”

  “Hearing your description and seeing the way you feel about the place, I’m even more surprised you came back here. It sounds like it’s where you love to be. Where your heart is.”

  “Yes well, I’ve learned the hard way that things in life don’t always go the way that you plan.”

  I’m curious by his words, but more so, they humble me. I feel ridiculous thinking I can go through life always trying to plan out every last detail. Life isn’t supposed to be that way. I mean, look at his father – he sure as hell didn’t plan for his life to end that way. It’s not about a perfect plan, and having everything all lined up in a pretty little row. It’s about love. It’s about living life to the fullest with every minute you have. It’s about purpose. It’s about being fearless.

  With sudden clarity, I realize that if I continue trying to make my life fit into this special box that I created, life is going to continue passing me by. It will always be a disappointment. While I’ve been waiting on perfection, I haven’t realized it’s been staring me in the face all along in the form of a crazy, wonderful, beautiful, sometimes messy, life.

  In a million years I never could have planned that I would be here now, in my bed, with a cowboy bartender, with his fingers running through my hair and heart beating in tune with mine. I never thought that I could feel so happy and complete with a man who, for the most part, is the total opposite of the individual I created as ideal for my future. And isn’t that the point? Trying to plan it all out will make me miss out on the beautiful things that an unexpected life has to offer. It won’t be easy, but I’m going to try to change – and I know the perfect place to start.

  “Rixton, how would you feel about meeting my parents?”

  “YOU ASKED HIM WHAT?” Olivia screeches in my ear, causing me to hold the phone several inches away in fear that she will blow my eardrum out.

  “I know! What was I thinking?” Olivia starts in but I talk over her, “No! Don’t answer that. I know what I was thinking. I was thinking that I can’t keep living my life for anyone but me. I was thinking that I don’t want to live with regret and that if I don’t follow my heart that’s exactly what I will do.”

/>   “Those are all really good points, and I do seem to remember some red-headed crazy girl giving me the same speech a little more than a year ago too. All these things sound incredibly familiar.”

  “Yeah, yeah, you’ve mentioned her before. Sounds like she should be scalped for all her stupid advice.”

  “You know the thing is… her advice… not so stupid.”

  I sigh and run my fingers through my hair, needing something to do with my hands, “Livvie… I know this sounds so incredibly ridiculous coming from a grown woman, but I’m scared.”

  “Do you want Luke and I to go with you when you meet with them? Maybe having another couple with you will help diffuse any potentially uncomfortable situations.”

  I actually contemplate her idea for a few minutes wondering if that’s the exact shield and protection I might need. But I decide to avoid the non-grade school thing and act like the grown up I am; I can’t ask my friend to hold my hand and do this with me. After all, staking my claim as an independent adult is in great part what this is all about. “Thanks for offering, but no. I need to do this on my own.”

  “I really think it will be okay, babe. Hopefully you are going to find out that you needlessly worried.

  “I hope you’re right.” Knowing there is nothing more that can be said on the topic that would be helpful, I change it. “So, what are you up to today? I’m thinking about making a personal lunch delivery to the club for Rixton. Once I’m done doing some things here at work.”

  “Oh, that’s nice. I’m sure he will really appreciate that. You really do care for him.”