Class Dis-M.Y.T.H.ed

by Robert Asprin

  "Yeah, but he isn't doing it any more," Melvine said.

  "I'm just on vacation," I gritted out, saying something even I wasn't sure was true. Yet.

  "Oh. Well, that isn't what it sounds like when you and Miss Bunny talk."

  "That's it," Markie breathed in a very quiet voice that sounded like the first quiet rumblings of an approaching earthquake. I was once again reminded that she, too, had been at Elemental School. "I'm taking you back to Cupid to learn a little respect. You have been eavesdropping on him?"

  "I-er—" Melvine looked very guilty and frightened.

  I stepped in. "It's not that big a deal, Markie," I said soothingly.

  The little round face hardened. "Forgive me for contradicting you, Skeeve. You were good to me when I didn't deserve it, and you gave me respect even when I did not earn it. I admire that, as I told you. I was hoping Melvine could pick up a few lessons in decency as well as control. I am saying that this young imbecile is showing that he's forgotten even that amount of training in basic manners, and he needs remedial classes to correct that failure."

  Now the younger Cupy was sweating. Perhaps Markie was right, but it sounded as though the punishment she was threatening far outstripped what I saw as a minor infraction.

  "Come on, Markie. It's not as though this place is soundproofed. Anyone could have overheard us if they tried. The Pervects hearing is so sensitive, I bet they wouldn't have to come all the way downstairs to hear us talking."

  "See?" Melvine said. "He doesn't deny it."

  Markie gave me and Bunny a very pained smile. "Will you excuse us, please?"

  She and Melvine vanished.

  When they reappeared, Melvine looked chastened. He came up to me with his head bowed.

  "Sir, I would like to apologize. I knew eavesdropping was wrong. I won't do it again."

  His respectful tones almost knocked me off my feet. I eyed him to make sure it wasn't sarcasm, but I couldn't detect a trace of it. Markie was one tough disciplinarian.

  "Thanks, Melvine," I replied. I glanced at Markie, a question on my face.

  "Just using a little family leverage," Markie said, her eyes still flashing with anger. "Git!" she snapped.

  Melvine got. He vanished out of the room in a bamf.

  I whistled. "That wasn't necessary, but it was impressive."

  "If you don't keep the fear of Crom in him he will relapse," Markie said tonelessly. "That's been his problem all along. He gets comfortable, he gets confident, then he gets cocky. He'll listen better from now on."

  "I'm not an experienced teacher, but I think he really is doing well. You would be surprised how much work he's really putting in."

  "I would," Markie said with a sigh. "I'm sorry you had to see that. My guess is that he started listening in on your conversations at night to find out what the lesson is for the next day."

  "Oh," I said, subdued. "Bunny and I never really talked much about that."

  "Have you got a room for me?" Markie asked.

  "Why?"

  "Because I'm staying. Your big bodyguards aren't here any more, and you need backup. I may not have their presence, but I pack my own punch."

  "That's a good idea," Bunny said.

  I have to admit I stared. Bunny grimaced.

  "Don't seem so surprised. I may not have been crazy about Markie before, but even if I wasn't—coming around, I'm not going to let my dislike jeopardize your life. What if she's right?"

  "No, thanks," I said firmly. "Either I'm the target—and as you point out, that won't be the first time—or I'm not. I'll handle the next attempt when it comes. Face it, Markie, Melvine won't learn if you're here watching him. He'll just do what you want, or what he thinks you want. Go on. You can drop in and visit again, if you want. Any time."

  "You'd better believe I will," Markie said. "You be careful, all right? I can get messages sent through a crystal ball. Bunny can find me if you need me."

  "I won't need you," I assured her. "Come on, let's eat."

  I gave the students the afternoon off. Now that I was aware of potential threats, I felt fairly confident I could handle them, but I wasn't a fool. I set up little traps of magikal interference, so I would know if anyone made another attempt on my life or Bunny's.

  Taking Markie's advice a little further, I investigated the students' backgrounds. I was kicking myself for not having done it before. I ought to know the risks of trusting people to be what they seemed on the surface, but I couldn't help it. Now I had to backtrack and take care of the thing I should have done first.

  Ironically enough, Melvine, the biggest troublemaker, was the only one whose provenance was absolutely without reproach. Markie felt she owed me an apology and a debt. I had kept her secret for some time now. It was leverage that she couldn't take away from me, unless she went out of business. She would not be the one to land me with a fake nephew to finish the job she had failed at all those years ago.

  I believed that Chumley thought he knew Tolk had no secret agenda or unsavory connections. If he had, Chumley would never have brought him to me. But what if there was some dark past the seemingly amiable Canidian had concealed from his benefactor? I left a message for Chumley with his mother, asking where he'd met Tolk and how long they'd known each other. Then I dimension-hopped to Deva and the Bazaar.

  "Youse don't have to worry about Bee," Guido told me when I dropped in on him to ask about his former noncom. "He's a good kid."

  "Is this him?" I asked, presenting an ethereal image that Bytina had taken of the class. It had also occurred to me that someone calling himself Corporal Bee had presented himself to Massha, claiming he knew Guido and asking for help.

  "It sure is," the big enforcer said, sitting back in his chair. "He's fleshed out a little since I saw him last!"

  "He has?" I asked, taking back the picture. Bee was so skinny that I could probably blow him down with a hefty sneeze.

  "Yeah. Used to be about half that wideness. Hey, Nunzio, look here. It's Bee. He's studyin' magik with Skeeve. How's he doin'?"

  "He's learned a few things," I said. "He's intelligent and he works hard. I've never known anyone who was a better organizer, except perhaps Bunny."

  "Somethin's worryin' you, boss," Guido said shrewdly.

  I told him and Nunzio about the grenade ring and the missing money. "Bee looks like the most likely one to know how to operate an explosive device, but I can't believe he would endanger all of us for a joke. And, after what you've said, I know I'm wrong to suspect him. So I have to keep my eyes on all of them."

  "You're smart to be on guard. But that ain't what's really botherin' you, is it?"

  How well he knew me. "They're always complaining. If they don't like my lessons, why are they so desperate to stay?"

  "Have you ever tried finding an honest magik teacher?" Guido countered my question with a question. "I bet there ain't no more of them then there is honest used-wagon salesmen. A whole lotta them just want a caboodle of apprentices to follow 'em around and say how wonderful they are. Some of 'em are downright phonies who don't know any more about magik than I do. You're not like that. If I had any talent I'd be proud to sign on wit' you, if you were fillin' a class. I'm glad Bee's got the chance to learn from you a little. They're gettin' more than they would anywhere else. You know kids; they grouse about anything. It's just natural. I wouldn't take it personal if I was you."

  I felt a little better. That left only the Pervects.

  Aahz wasn't in the office. I left a note for him, and dropped in on Vergetta and the rest of the Pervect Ten on Wuh.

  "So, Skeeve the Great!" Vergetta exclaimed, coming over to give me a hug. The elderly Pervect, clad in one of her favorite flowered dresses. "Look, Caitlin, it's Skeeve!"

  The very young Pervect turned away briefly from her computer screen to give me a grin that showed three missing top teeth.

  "The others are out doing sales calls, except Niki, who's knee-deep in machinery, as usual. That girl, always with the mechanics in
stead of good old magik." Vergetta threw her arm around my shoulder and marched me to the end of the long table in the huge stone chamber. "I know you didn't come here just to see our smiling faces, bubbeleh. What can I do for you?"

  I wasn't sure where to begin. "You know, your niece has been taking lessons from me for the last few weeks."

  Vergetta nodded as she poured tea into a tall glass and pushed it towards me. "Yes, Jinetta. A good girl, smart but not too imaginative. Take some sugar, it'll make you strong. And how is she doing?"

  "Er, pretty well, really."

  "Good! She and her friends—you know they're just fresh out of school, right?—were so interested in finding someone who knew what they vere doing to give them some pointers. I don't know what's the hurry, but they kept saying it's so hard to get a good job unless you have practical experience. I didn't have the time to teach her the ropes, and she vouldn't listen to a relative anyvay, so that's how come she ends up on your doorstep. Not that there's anything wrong with them! Her friends are all right. They're so interested in boys and makeup until recently. Now they all want to be the heads of major corporations. Girls today!"

  I waited until the spate of conversation slowed and jumped in. "Listen, Vergetta, what did you tell them I could do for them?"

  The old Pervect grinned. "Can you grow them some common sense? No? I didn't think so. I see you," she pointed a gnarled fingernail at me, "as the antidote to those teachers of theirs. Especially that Mr. Magoo-whatever. He knew nothing but what he read in books, but they worshiped him like a god. I thought that, if anyone could, you'd show them there was something more past the end of their noses. If you succeed in teaching them that, you're a hero."

  "I'm trying," I said. "Sometimes I think I'm getting through, and sometimes I don't."

  "Fifty-fifty isn't bad odds. Well, Skeeve, nice of you to stop by. I have to get an order out to Skloon. Now, don't be a stranger. You should stop by when you have time to take a tour of Wuh. It's shaping up so well, you won't know the place."

  I returned to Klah to find a note from Chumley waiting for me. Tolk had been a member of the Alpha Males, Omega Males club where Chumley volunteered as a mentor once a month. Now I had no suspects, and I was none the wiser as to who was causing all the trouble among my students.

  And trouble there was. In my remonstrations with the students not to do stupid things, once again I had forgotten to tell them not to swap cosmetics for bird excrement. The Pervects came screaming down the stairs with white goo hardening on their faces, complaining that SOMEONE had tampered with their very expensive cosmetics. Tolk was upset because his shampoo, Gee Your Fur Smells Edible, which did smell like used food, had overwhelmed him with green bubbles, staining his fur. Melvine and Bee hadn't been left out, joining the circle of protesters. My eyes watered when they got close enough. They smelled of skunk.

  "It was in the soap, sir," Bee said, weakly. "It didn't start reeking until I rubbed it on myself."

  "Who did this?" I demanded.

  "He did!"

  "She did!"

  "He did!"

  "She did!"

  They all pointed at each other. I glared at them. They glared back. Exasperated, I threw up my hands.

  "Forget it," I said, turning away. "Go to bed."

  "But, Skeeve!" Jinetta said. "You're supposed to handle these things."

  "I'm just in charge of magik instruction," I said. "Nothing else. Read my contract."

  "But we don't have a contract with you!"

  I looked back over my shoulder. "Exactly."

  I stalked into my room and locked the door. The expected grumbling about my being an unfit teacher and uncaring individual arose then escalated into some pretty creative name calling. In about twenty minutes, they all ran out of things to say and stalked off. Relieved, I pulled my blanket up and went to sleep.

  BANG!

  I sat bolt upright in bed. Where had that noise come from? I craned my head to listen in the dark.

  I heard night birds in the distance squawking and fluttering away from the disturbing sound. It probably had originated in or near the inn.

  With a flicker of thought, I lit the candle on my nightstand and got up to investigate.

  "What was that?"

  I held up the candle. Bunny fluttered out of her room, wearing the briefest and sheerest of nightgowns. It did nothing to conceal her considerable charms or her toned biceps. In one hand she held a well-sharpened hand axe.

  "Nothing, I hope," I said. "I'm going out to look."

  "Be careful!" she said.

  The Pervects tiptoed down the stairs. "What happened? We heard a crash!"

  Well, they weren't responsible for this disturbance.

  "I don't know," I said. "Stay here with Bunny."

  The night was clear, with a brilliant half-moon hanging about a third of the way across the sky. I circled the inn a couple of times. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. I went into the stable to check on Gleep and Buttercup.

  The war unicorn nickered to me from his stall.

  "Hey, boy," I called softly as I came over to rub his nose. "Did that disturb you?"

  Buttercup nudged me to the side of his stall with his big head. I ducked under his horn and investigated the enclosure. A few mice squeaked and ran out of the straw bedding. Nothing out of the ordinary was to be found. I checked on his food supply, and forked some more hay into his manger.

  "Gleep!" my pet dragon announced sleepily from the middle of the floor. I could see his snaky neck illuminated by the moonlight pouring in the open half-door.

  "Is everything all right out here?" I asked. No one knew the secret we shared: that Gleep was intelligent and could speak. "Did you hear that noise?"

  "Noise nothing," Gleep said, opening his big blue eyes wide. "Skeeve okay?"

  "I'm fine," I assured him, scratching just behind his ears.

  "Go bed. Nothing hurt. Gleep love Skeeve."

  "I love you, too, Gleep."

  Gleep had very keen senses. If he wasn't alarmed by the noise, I shouldn't be, either. I petted him again and went back inside.

  Just in case, I put a few more 'feelers' around the door, window and fireplace flue in my room. Better to be safe than sorry.

  Chapter Nineteen

  "You think you've got family problems!"

  L. Luciano

  I was in my room brooding when a knock came at the door.

  "Skeeve?"

  "Can it wait, Bunny?" I asked, recognizing her voice. "I'd kind of like to be alone for a while."

  "We've got a visitor," came the reply. "It's my uncle. He'd like to say hello."

  That was different. Aside from liking him as a person, I was well aware that her uncle was not someone you would ever want to ignore or offend.

  "On the way," I called, and started for the door.

  Even if I hadn't been forewarned, there was no mistaking the short, heavyset figure sitting at the dining room table. If nothing else, his trademark lavender suit was a dead giveaway.

  "Don Bruce!" I said as I approached, then hesitated. As long as we had known each other, I wasn't sure what a properly respectful greeting should be.

  I needn't have worried.

  "Skeeve!" he crowed, popping to his feet and sweeping me into a massive hug. "How's the old pizano? How's the retirement goin'?"

  "Okay, I guess," I said. "How are things with you?"

  I had hoped to keep things light, but Don Bruce hadn't gotten where he was by missing things.

  "Just 'okay'?" he asked, cocking his head and peering at me. "This wouldn't have anything to do with these students that Bunny's been tellin' me about, would it?"

  I shot a dark glance at Bunny. While Don Bruce had been nice enough about my retiring, he had also made no secret of the fact that he wanted me back working for the Mob. As such,

  I wasn't wild about the fact that Bunny had let him know that I was working again, even if it was just as a teacher.

  "Well, yes," I admitted. "This tea
ching thing is turning out to be harder than I thought."

  "The kids givin' you grief?" he asked sympathetically. "Grab some wine and tell me about it."

  To my surprise, I found myself pouring out my disappointment with how the class was going. Particularly, how unhappy I was with my own inability to control the bickering and backbiting among the students. I had never really chatted with Don Bruce before other than in a business context, and it was nice to unload my worries on someone who wasn't directly involved in the proceedings. He listened intently, nodding and making occasional sympathetic noises, until I finally wound down.

  "I think maybe I can give you a little hand with that," he said when I was done. "Would it be okay with you if I had a word or two with these hotshot students of yours?"

  That caught me flat footed.

  "Um, sure, Don Bruce," I said. "If you think you can spare the time, that is."

  Again, he noticed my hesitation.

  "Whatzamatter?" he growled. "Don't you think I'm up to it?"

  "No! It's not that at all," I said hastily. "It's just that these kids are kinda mouthy and, well, I'm not sure they'll react to you with the level of respect you're due and are used to."

  Don Bruce threw back his head and laughed.

  "You hear that, Bunny?" he said. "You wonder why I love this guy? I want to give him a hand and all he worries about is that my feelings might get hurt."

  He leveled a pair of hard eyes on me, all trace of laughter gone.

  "Just get 'em down here," he said. "Let me worry about how respectful they are."

  I looked at Bunny and shrugged.

  "Roust the students," I said. "Tell them we have a surprise guest lecturer."

  By the time the class was assembled around the table, Don Bruce and I were standing against the wall, conversing in low tones. I was asking him about what he thought would be an appropriate introduction, while he kept insisting that I keep my comments to a bare minimum and let him handle the rest. That sounded vaguely ominous to me, but I had little choice but to go along with him.