Class Dis-M.Y.T.H.ed

by Robert Asprin

"We also have Sergeant Pep-up's Mutileers!"

  These were evidently famous and popular. As a host of purple-uniformed soldiers marched in to wild applause, the orchestra struck up a tune, and an unseen men's chorus sang, "We are the Merry Mutileers! We cut off noses, hands and ears! Hup two three four, you're going to die today! Here's to the Merry Mutileers!"

  Tananda was singing along. She gave me a shy glance and fell silent.

  "They're cute," she said. "I dated a few of them once."

  "Do they really mutilate the contestants?" I asked.

  "Oh, not most of the time!"

  I gulped. The Mutileers were followed by a couple of Ogres in crash helmets, nine Imps with bludgeons on skateboards, and a barrelful of screeching monkeys. I'd thought the Arena stage huge, but it filled up pretty quickly with all the 'house champions.'

  "A-one," Schlein began the count. All the players braced themselves, facing toward the haven they had to reach. "A-two. A-three. Go!"

  Free-for-all was right. The chaos that ensued looked like Free Sample Day at the Bazaar. My students started out in the direction of their free space, only to be intercepted by the Gargoyle Girls. The stonefaced males and females matched every move the Apprentices made, dodging left and right, with big grins on their gray stone faces. Pologne's expression turned impatient, and she flung a hand upward. The Gargoyle nearest her went flying overhead. It landed on the back of the Dragonettes' dragon, who turned around with a roar, looking to see who had done that. The Apprentices scattered as the dragon charged them, followed by the Trolls.

  My students didn't have the bulk or the strength, but they could move. Melvine took to the air and thumbed his nose in the dragon's face. It spewed out a hot jet of flame at him. Melvine easily ducked upward. The dragon spread its wings to follow him, and knocked half the Shock Jahks off their feet.

  Sharkbait saw its opportunity. The whole school flitted neatly around the dragon's whipping tail and headed towards its glowing sign and freedom.

  They had not reckoned with the Bald Guy with Muscles. Clambering up the She Spider's tower, he evaded her grasping legs easily, and leaped down on top of the two leading sharks. He rode them with one foot on each, punching at their sensitive gills. The rest of the school flew at him, mouths open to tear him to shreds. The Bald Guy merely smiled, as if this was what he had been waiting for all his life. He disappeared in a waving welter of tails and fins.

  I caught sight of Melvine emerging in the middle of a circle of Pervects, their fangs gleaming as they moved in on him. He looked terrified. With a wild yell, Bee came swinging in on a rope and dropped into their midst, distracting the Pervects enough for Melvine to gather his wits.

  Bamf! They vanished.

  I just spotted the two of them as they appeared near the line separating the Sorcerer's Apprentices' free spot from the rest of the arena floor. Melvine staggered and shook his head.

  "Oh, no, you don't," Schlein's voice chided him over the loud speaker. "No magiking your way to safety! Uh-oh, here come the Mutileers!"

  Before Bee and Melvine could race over the line, several of the uniformed soldiers charged them. They retreated into the midst of the melee, where the Gargoyle Girls were duking it out with the Ogres. Freezia was in the middle, repelling blows with bursts of magik. She shrieked every time one of them got near her.

  "Fresh meat!" a Gargoyle yelled.

  Melvine turned and punched him in the face. The next moment he dropped to his knees, clutching his throbbing fist.

  "Ooh," I groaned in sympathy.

  "They always do that," the Geek observed.

  "Haw, haw, haw," the Gargoyle laughed.

  "Hey, ugly!" Bee taunted him. When the stone being turned to look at him, Bee stuck his thumbs in his ears and wiggled them. The Gargoyle lumbered after him. Bee ducked around the nearest Ogre. It seemed to shrink and become less hairy. I realized that Bee had thrown Datspell on both of them.

  The Gargoyle grabbed the now disguised Ogre by the shoulder and spun it around. He landed one solid punch on the chin. "Bee" just staggered back half a pace then returned the roundhouse with interest. The two of them began to pound one another, to the delighted cheers from the audience, who had caught the whole transformation. Bee helped Freezia to her feet. Freezia tossed opponents out of their way as they ran to rejoin Melvine.

  "Wheee-oop!"

  On the other side of the She Spider, I spotted Jinetta running away from a trio of Imps on skateboards. She ducked around the stand of bows and arrows meant to disarm the spider, swung underneath the gigantic arachnid herself, and rolled. The spider noticed Jinetta and reached for her with one hefty claw. It just missed her ankle. The Imps swung their clubs at her. They whanged against the metal frame supporting the She Spider, making it ring. The spider whirled around on her silk thread and clawed at them.

  Jinetta emerged from the other side, right into a mob of monkeys. They screamed and clambered up her body and perched on her head. She pulled one after another, throwing them at the irate spider. Distracted, she didn't see the Imps coming around the corner after her. They swung at her. Jinetta flung them back with a wave of magik. More Imps homed in on her. With a set jaw she started banging them into one another. They staggered and fell down. Within a moment, they were up again.

  Pologne and Tolk had made it about halfway across the stage to the free space when a purple-clad Mutileer seemed to pop up right out of the stage. Tolk ducked underneath the soldier's sword, and grabbed the man's ankle in his teeth. Pologne ripped the soldier's helmet off his head and started belaboring him with it.

  More Mutileers came out of the floor to the aid of their comrade. In no time Pologne and Tolk found themselves at bay, leaping back to avoid swinging swords and jabbing pikes. Pologne turned several of the weapons against their wielders, but she and Tolk were greatly outnumbered.

  "Funny, it looks like the house champions are targeting my students," I said.

  "No," Tananda reassured me. "They pick on everyone. Sergeant Pep-up likes to keep things moving."

  "No, really," I said. "Look!"

  The uniformed soldiers seemed to be everywhere. Several of them were in between Bee, Melvine and Freezia and the safe haven. Freezia was flagging, her arms no longer held as high as she fought to push the Mutileers out of their way. Bee looked tired, too. He was the weakest magikally, with only three really good spells at his command, none of which were much use in this onslaught. He had no other reserves than his muscular strength. Melvine helped keep both of them from getting hurt, but I saw sweat running off his little bald head. What's more, when one of my students did manage to score a hit on one of their opponents, it didn't seem to slow them down.

  "Someone's protecting them magikally," I protested.

  I heard a scream. Sergeant Pep-up himself had picked Pologne up in his arms. He dashed into the middle of the stage and heaved her into the waiting clutches of the She Spider. It bit her on the neck, and she went limp. The spider started wrapping her up in silk. I was furious.

  A soldier raised his sword, and struck. Melvine went down with a bleeding gash on his head. The Mutileer threw the Cupy over his shoulder and headed toward the center dais.

  Jinetta ran after them. She gasped as she saw her sorority sister in the spider's web, and dashed toward the rack of equipment.

  "It's rigged," I announced as I saw a phalanx of uniforms surround the remaining Apprentices, now maneuvering them all toward the spider's lair. "They're all going to die. I have to get in there."

  "You?" Markie asked. "You can't get involved. Those kids signed an agreement to participate."

  "They didn't know it was going to be rigged," I argued. "Look!"

  One after another bowstring broke as Jinetta tried to fit it onto a bow. She reached for another one. If she didn't manage to get the bow functional and shoot the arrow into the target, Pologne was going to be strangled by the giant spider.

  "Maybe one," I said. "But I'll bet they are all frayed."

  "They'
ll cope," Tananda said. "They have to."

  Freezia grabbed a string out of Jinetta's hand and ran her hands along it.

  "Attagirl," Bunny cheered. "She must be strengthening it."

  Jinetta managed to get it onto the bow and notched an arrow. ZING! She hit the bull's eye over the spider, which ought to have released the deluge of water.

  Nothing happened.

  Jinetta looked around for an official. No one stopped the contest. Pologne's body was wound in nearly invisible threads from head to foot, and the spider was busily spinning more into the cocoon.

  "I have to go," I said. I got up, but I couldn't take my eyes off the images. Tolk took a blow to the skull from an Imp sailing by on his wheeled board and went down howling. Bunny grabbed my arm.

  "You can't," she said.

  "Why not?"

  "Because—because you've been banned from Perv. Remember?"

  I groaned and sank back in my chair. It all came back to me now. The run-ins with the police, the long fruitless searches, the friend who turned questionable businessman and got me declared permanent persona non grata and blacklisted forever from a whole dimension.

  There weren't too many people who could make a claim like that.

  At the moment, I couldn't say I was grateful for the honor. I watched the fighting going, wishing that I could leap into the insubstantial images and take part in the action. The longer this mess went on, the greater the chance that one of my ill-prepared students was going to be pushed into a situation where he or she might be killed, and no lectures on teamwork or planning would make that any better.

  "What can I do?" I demanded, stalking up and back. The more I watched, the more worried I became. "I've got to stop this now."

  "Disguise spell," Tananda said promptly. "It's what you do best."

  I waved away the suggestion. "A disguise spell is fine, but I can't pretend to be just anyone. I need to be impressive enough to step in on Perv and get people to do what I want them to. I need credentials. I can't just appear as a bystander and try to straighten things out."

  "You have the perfect disguise," Tanda points out. "Aahz."

  I stopped dead in my pacing. "I couldn't do that."

  "Yes, you could," Tananda insisted. "Remember, I know more about him than you do. He's got an impressive record there. He was at the top of his class at MIP, and except for you, he's the most visible part of M.YT.H., Inc. What could be more perfect? Or Pervect?"

  "He wouldn't go for it. I could really louse up his reputation."

  Tananda came to put an arm around me. "Sure he would go for it, Tiger. Think about it—the story's gone around that he's lost his powers, but if you show up and toss a little magik around, they'll believe he's gotten them back. That won't harm his reputation, it'll enhance it. Let Aahz take it from there, if anyone is ever stupid enough to challenge him. But you need to get those kids out. They're out of their depth."

  In the crystal, I watched Markie's nephew surrounded by a the entire contingent of Imps, raising their clubs to bludgeon him. Melvine started the elemental whirlwind, but they were prepared for him. A robed magician stepped in and waved his hands. Melvine stumbled to a halt, confusion turning to alarm as the Imps started swinging. Throwing his arms over his head, he began ducking and weaving between the wheeled menaces.

  "Besides," Bunny said, "all this mess was Aahz's idea in the first place. He's the one who sent the Pervects to you."

  "I'd better ask," I began weakly.

  "I'll ask him, Tanda insisted, and BAMFed out before I could stop her. She was back in a twinkling.

  "Go," she confirmed.

  It took absolutely no time to assume my former mentor's face and form. The fact I was several inches taller than Aahz wouldn't make any difference in my carriage; Aahz's reputation for keeping strangers (and apprentices) at arm's length would help me maintain the subterfuge. I patted my cheeks, but I felt no difference, nor could I see any in the mirror.

  "Perfect," Bunny said, walking around me to check the disguise. "Or, should I say, Pervect? Remember, don't smile. Aahz hardly ever smiles, unless he's really ticked off."

  "I don't feel like smiling," I grunted.

  "Gleep?" my pet asked plaintively. He sniffed me up and down, not able to reconcile my scent with Aahz's appearance. He and Aahz had never been fast friends.

  "It's me," I confirmed, patting him on the head. "Don't worry, Gleep. This is for a good cause."

  "I'd better go," I said impatiently.

  "Not so fast, handsome," Tananda said, cuddling up close to me. "You don't think we're letting you go in there alone, do you?"

  "I can't risk taking any of you with me," I said. "If they catch me, I could be locked up for years."

  "They won't catch you," Tananda said. "But don't go in there without backup. It might take all of us to pull your students out of danger."

  "What were you always telling those kids?" Bunny added, throwing a hand toward the image of the struggling team. "Team up and delegate?"

  I groaned. "Don't throw my words back at me."

  "Do you mean them, or don't you?" Bunny challenged me.

  "Of course I do!"

  "Then, it's settled." She nodded to Tananda and Markie.

  bamf!

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  "I'm dealing myself in."

  M. Hall

  Thanks to Bytina, we were able to pinpoint exactly where we needed to appear on Perv. Though the Arena was supposedly in a "secret location concealed deep in the mountains above a lonely valley visited by no living creature since time began," the magik the place was giving off, not to mention the triangulation provided from thousands of crystal balls dimensions-wide, made it a beacon to the naked eye, let alone to a sophisticated piece of technology.

  We arrived on the lip of a natural ampitheater. Winds whistled around us, nipping the tips of my ears. I ignored the discomfort as I stalked down the aisle past thousands of cheering spectators enjoying the brawl happening on the vast round stage below. The hollow stone bowl magnified the sounds so I could hear every grunt, every yell, every cry of pain. I jogged down the endless staircase with the three women behind me.

  Every hundred steps or so there was a landing. About the fifth one, an adolescent Pervect in a vest and bow tie stepped out.

  "Sir, may I see your ticket?"

  "Out of my way," I snarled.

  "I'm afraid you can't go into the lower sections without a ticket."

  I was not in a mood to argue. I threw him out of the way, using my levitation skills instead of the Pervish strength I lacked. He landed on top of several spectators. Blurting out apologies, he crawled out and hurried after us.

  "Stop, sir. You have to stop."

  Tananda wriggled up and attached herself firmly to my elbow, playing the part of Trollish eye candy.

  "Don't you know who he is?" she asked the usher.

  "No, I don't. And if he doesn't show me a ticket, I'm going to have him thrown out!"

  I ignored him, but by that time we had attracted the attention of several other ushers, not to mention hundreds of paying customers. I kept them at bay with magik, intent on reaching my destination. Any minute now one of them was going to call security.

  "Wave to the nice people," she murmured. "Make them think you're a celebrity. Aahz would."

  The next time I made eye contact with an audience member, I put on a big fake smile and waved to her. When she poked her neighbor and pointed, I waved to him, too. Pretty soon the whole march down the aisle, ushers and all, looked like the arrival of a star. I prevented them from following me up onto the stage. Even the ushers seemed to be having doubts.

  "Thanks for the escort, guys," I called as my small party scaled the sheer steps to the stage.

  My students were still in the center. Pologne was now wrapped up in spider silk. Jinetta and Bee were up on top of the framework, trying to dislodge the barrel of water with magik and brute strength. I applied my own power, but it wouldn't budge. It wasn't
meant to move! More cheating.

  I grabbed the first person I saw, a young Deveel woman in a tight pink skirt and white blouse who clutched a clipboard to her chest.

  "Who's in charge here?" I demanded.

  She looked at me and my three companions and put her nose in the air.

  "I'm sorry, sir, but this is a closed set." She spoke into her lapel, and several large Pervect males in uniforms appeared at her back.

  "I want to see the boss," I said.

  "You're trespassing, bub. If you don't leave under your own power right now, we'll be happy to assist you," said the Pervect with the most gold braid on his sleeves.

  "Power?" I asked, a slow smile twisting my lips.

  Creating a band of magik around the entire group of guards, I squeezed them all together into a tight little knot. I was so angry that I channeled more energy than I ever could before. They started gasping, their faces turning interesting shades of green.

  "Hey, Tiger, take it easy!" Tananda cautioned me. "Leave them some breath so they can answer your question!"

  "Sir," the captain squeaked. "Sir, what can we do for you?"

  "Who is in charge of this program?" I asked, very sweetly. "I want to see him. Pronto."

  "The Executive Producer," the head security guard gasped out. "His name's The Geek!"

  "Take us to him," I said. "The Geek knows me."

  The knot of guards shuffled ahead of us as a single unit. Tananda and Bunny each held onto one arm, gauging whether or not I was going to fly off the handle. I tried to keep myself under control. I should have realized when I heard his name that he had to be more involved than just offering an analysis of the teams. He was responsible for all this! Markie toddled ahead of us, playing the part of my adorable little niece.

  "Lookie there, Uncle Aahz!" she said in her cutest voice, pointing a tiny pink finger at a Deveel in a shiny suit. "There's Mr. The Geek right now!"

  I thrust my way past more crew members, heading for that familiar face.

  The Geek huddled under a scenery overhang with a collection of production personnel. There was a clutch of magicians in robes and holding huge, multifaceted crystal balls— members of several species but one union, to judge by the insignia prominently displayed on their right sleeves—and young women of various species holding clipboards. He turned at the sound of his name. First he saw the tightly clustered knot of guards. Then, over their heads, he saw me. He did a double-take then started running away.