Class Dis-M.Y.T.H.ed

by Robert Asprin

  "I told you, the All-Pervects were favored to win," he admitted sheepishly. "If they happened to get some home cooking, well—"

  "So you cheat."

  "Balance, Aahz, balance! Anyway, it doesn't matter. Crasmer got, hmm, let's see: stone chips in sulphur gravy. Look, the Gargoyle's eyeing that. It's a delicacy where she comes from!"

  Schlein appeared beside them holding an old fashioned dinner bell. He tinkled it.

  "Soup's on!"

  Bee looked as terrified as I felt. I was sorry for him. It shouldn't befall a decent Klahd like him to have to face Pervish food twice in a lifetime, let alone twice in a month. The animate goo writhing in the dish started to feel its way toward the rim. Bee halfheartedly shoved them back. His companions shouted encouragement from the sidelines.

  I felt like adding my voice to theirs. I wanted to shout down to him that he'd done this successfully once before. He could do it again! But I also knew that he dreaded putting any of those things in his mouth. My own stomach heaved as I remembered the flavor and texture, not to mention the MOTION.

  The Troll stared at his bowl full of live spiders and scorpions. Could that be fear on his face? I had never known a Troll to blanch at any physical contest, no matter how difficult. It took him a moment to overcome the revulsion. Resolutely, he reached out a hairy paw, seized a wriggling tarantula, put it in his mouth and crunched it.

  In moments, his face began to swell up.

  "What's the matter?" Schlein asked.

  "I'b allerjhic to sbiders," the Troll said. "Gotta—"

  He got up and staggered toward the wings. The medics followed him, clutching their black bags.

  Schlein turned to the rest of the team, waiting anxiously in the wings. "Sorry about that, Dragonettes! You're out!"

  "Come on, Bee! Come on!" the rest of the Sorcerer's Apprentices chanted. "Eat it eat it eat it eat it!"

  Though his face was pale, Bee shot his comrades a hearty thumb's up. He took his spoon and resolutely thunked one of the pseudopods. It stiffened then went limp. With a visible gulp of nervousness, Bee scooped it into the spoon and brought it to his lips. The crowd fell silent.

  Face wrinkled, he stuffed the mouthful in, and swallowed it.

  The crowd went wild.

  Next to him, Crasmer hunched over the plate of mashed stone, spooning it up as fast as he could, but each mouthful seemed to take an eternity to chew. I cringed at the cracking, crunching sounds, wondering if the teeth were grinding the rocks, or vice versa.

  The Shock Jahk sat transfixed, staring at her entree, which consisted of one single, round, white object twice the size of my fist that sat in the middle of her plate. The entree stared back. It was an eyeball, garnished with a sprig of parsley.

  "What about you, Meghan?" Schlein prompted.

  "I-I-I can't do it!" The Jahk sprang up from her place and fled to the waiting arms of her teammates. The Shock Jahks all looked, well, shocked.

  A Sittacomedian female with a microphone was in time to pick up the comment from the team captain, who was comforting his weeping teammate. "I didn't realize that when you said you were holding the contest on Perv that the contest would BE Perverted!"

  The Gargoyle shoved away her empty bowl and rose to her feet with her hands clasped in victory.

  The female commentator flew to her side and held out the microphone.

  "Congratulations, Nita, and with five minutes to go!"

  "Thanks," the Gargoyle said, winking at her companions. "And I just want to say—ulp."

  "You want to say ulp?" the Sittacomedian asked, with a puzzled glance she shared with the audience.

  "I mean—urp!"

  "And what does that mean?"

  The meaning became evident a moment later. Nita the Gargoyle dashed for the nearest receptacle and rejected the vile green and yellow mess that she had eaten.

  "Too bad!" Schlein boomed, sympathetically. "Only two contestants left. Will they make it?"

  I crossed my fingers. Bee was doing well. Except to stun his food long enough to eat it, he didn't look at it. Each bite went down very, very carefully, and he waited in between each to make sure it wasn't going to come up.

  Crasmer was following a similar pattern. The Pervect challenger looked nauseated. There weren't many things one of his kind couldn't eat, in spite of the difficulty I'd had convincing my students of that, but unrefined minerals had to be on the short list. Scoop, crunch, gulp. Scoop, crunch, gulp.

  Slam, scoop, gulp.

  Scoop, crunch, gulp.

  It was neck-and-neck to see who would finish first. Two more bites to go. One more—!

  "That was it!" Schlein announced. "And here's the bell! We have two winners! Step up, kids. And how was it?"

  "Awful," Bee said. "Worse than army food."

  "Ha-ha," Schlein said. "How about you, Crasmer?"

  "What he said," Crasmer agreed.

  "Well, there you have it, folks! Going to the final round are the Sorcerer's Apprentices and the All-Pervects, your Perv home team!"

  The audience didn't need the fireflies to go completely insane with joy. Bunny and I danced around the Geek's little office. On the ampitheater floor, the teams ran out to congratulate their champions. Both contestants waved bravely to the audiences.

  "Stay tuned for the Monster Monster Challenge. And now, a word from our sponsor, Blix Restaurants. If you want the finest in Pervish cooking, or the best sausages, cabbage or stuffed peppers from any dimension, eat at Blix!"

  At the very mention of food, Bee turned green. Crasmer turned greener. In unison, as if they had rehearsed it, they were violently sick. Stagehands rushed in with wands to clean up.

  As soon as the lights went down, I saw Bee and Crasmer being sick. It didn't matter—the lights had already gone down. They had succeeded, and without any interference from the Geek's tweaking the odds.

  "Who woulda known that the Troll was allergic to spiders?" he asked innocently.

  Well, almost no interference.

  "What happens now?" I demanded.

  "Well," Bunny began animatedly, "the remaining teams have to make it through a maze. In the maze is a fearsome monster. The one you face is chosen at random depending on the color of the marble you pick out of the lottery box—Oh, I'm so sorry, Geek! You tell it."

  The Geek sat back with a big smile on his face. "It's okay, honey. I don't mind a bit. You just proved you're a fan. Wouldja like to make a commercial for me? With those gorgeous looks of yours, I know I could get some more viewers."

  "Well," Bunny was flattered, "I'll think about it."

  "How about the Great Skeeve? Is he a fan, too?"

  "He doesn't watch game shows," I said flatly.

  "Too bad. An endorsement like his would be worth a fortune." The Geek sighed. "Let's go congratulate the winners."

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  "Follow the yellow brick road."

  I. Jones, Ph.D

  "And now," Schlein boomed, "the final team elimination! And, folks, we've seen plenty of teams eliminated down to the last player, right here! Yes, indeed, it's the Monster Monster Challenge!"

  "Congrats to both of you," the Geek said. We had landed on the main floor. Bee was still pale from his ordeal, but he looked okay. I didn't want to have to call for a doctor, not when the group was so close to achieving its goal. Incredible danger still lay ahead. On the way down, Bunny had regaled me with a list of monsters that the teams had faced in this contest before. It read like a Who's Who in Killing and Dismemberment. The Geek was pulled aside to review a list one of the Sittacomedian girls had on her clipboard.

  "Hey, babe," Crasmer said, leering at Pologne. "Why are you hanging around with lowlifes like that Klahd? You ought to come over to our team. We're the winners. Not second-rate species like those."

  Pologne snarled at him. "Are you insulting my friends, you ugly creature?" She raised a manicured set of talons and beckoned dangerously. "Come on over here and say that again!"

  "Now, now," I
said, getting in between them. "Nice job you did on the last round," I congratulated the Pervish champion. I gave him a hearty slap on the back with a solid magikal kicker. It knocked him stumbling. I grinned at my students, hoping none of them could penetrate my disguise. "Good luck to all of you in the final round."

  "Thanks," Crasmer said.

  I turned to the Sorcerer's Apprentices. "That was heroic of you, kid," I said, slapping Bee on the back in turn. "It ain't every demon who can face a bowl of Pervish food and live."

  "Well, it wasn't the first time," Bee admitted. "Master S— my last teacher got me to try it."

  "Like it?"

  "Not a chance! No offense, sir!"

  Apparently the name of Skeeve was not to be said out loud in this venue. I was amused.

  Jinetta shot me a conspiratorial wink. "His teacher had us try a lot of things we would never have done before."

  "Like teaming up," Melvine put in. "I'm not much for running with packs, but these kids have gotten to be my best friends."

  "We put up with him," Pologne said. The two of them made faces at each other, but I could tell it was affectionate banter. I hoped Markie could see it from wherever she was watching. Maybe I had launched M.Y.T.H., Inc., Mark II.

  Tolk leaned against Freezia, who was idly scratching his ears. The Canidian perked up suddenly, and came ambling over on all fours to sniff my wrist up and down.

  "Hey, cut that out!" I roared.

  "Sure sure sure," Tolk said, retreating. Instead of the suspicious expression he had worn before, he had a silly grin on his face.

  "Oops," Bunny said.

  "I better get out of here before Bee does Dispell on me," I whispered to her. I turned to the contestants. "Good luck to you all, and may the best team win."

  We hurried back to the bubble.

  The Geek did his round of handshakes then joined us.

  "Now, we're gonna see some action," he said, rubbing his hands together. "We hire one of the local supermodels for this part."

  A very slim, very tall Pervect female in a tight, pale yellow evening dress sashayed out of the darkness carrying a ceramic box that rattled as she walked. Wild whistling erupted.

  "Now, calm down, gentlemen," Schlein instructed the audience, coming over to offer an elbow to the young lady. He escorted her to a fancy carved table. "It's time to draw lots then meet your monster!"

  A hulking Pervect male came forward.

  "Brucel will draw for the All-Pervects."

  After a hasty conference, Tolk was urged up to the table.

  "And Tolk for the Sorcerer's Apprentices."

  I folded my arms to wait for the results. The Geek took my action as a criticism. He ran a finger around inside his collar.

  "Aahz, I want you to know this is fair. It's entirely fair, I promise! I can't help it if the monsters are killers! It's all part of the game."

  "Yeah, yeah." I steeled myself. This was my own doing. I had demanded a fair competition, and to make it fair, I had to stay out of it. This might be the hardest thing I had ever done. Whatever happened, I had prepared my students as well as I could, considering their inexperience, and I had ensured that they had an honest chance. They wanted to do this. They had come here willingly to be part of Sink or Swim, and they had earned the opportunity to go all the way. I couldn't do a thing without calling a halt to the entire proceedings. I looked down at my apprentices sadly. "I know."

  Brucel stuck a hand into the box and came up with a marble.

  "The All-Pervects have chosen orange!"

  "Oooooh," breathed the audience.

  Tolk planted one flat paw over his eyes and shoved the other into the lottery box. He handed the marble off to Schlein without looking at it.

  "The Sorcerer's Apprentices have chosen purple!"

  "Aaaaah," the audience responded.

  "We'll be back in a moment, after this word from Duzzido, the detergent that can get any stain out of your finest clothing! Duzzido it? You bet it does!"

  The stage went black for thirty very long seconds.

  "Welcome our final two teams!" Schlein announced as the lights came up again. "First, the home team, those guys and gals in green—the All-Pervects! Yes, here they are, Pervect in every way! Welcome your home team!"

  The All-Pervects, whittled down to five members by the preceding rounds, stepped into the spotlight from the right. They had on fresh jumpsuits of pale green that contrasted well with their complexions, but did not conceal the bandages around a wrist here, an ear there. They looked grimly determined.

  "And the challengers!"

  "Booo!"

  I glanced down. The audience was actually cheering and waving its arms, but the sound that reached me was disapproval. The Geek shrugged.

  "People like to have bad guys and good guys, Aahz. It's nothing personal. If, and it's a big if, they make it to the final round, we'll reverse the audience reaction. You'll see."

  "Welcome the Sorcerer's Apprentices!"

  I could see that my students were unnerved by the catcalls and hoots from the audience, but they stepped up bravely. They wore jumpsuits like the All-Pervects, but in a rainbow of different colors, none of which was green.

  "Can't tell the players without distinguishing marks," the Geek explained.

  "Except for the fact that one team is nothing but Pervects."

  "Well, there's three on the other team. That made it okay with 29% of the focus group we're running if the Sorcerer's Apprentices should possibly manage to pull off a win. Honestly, Aahz, it's not likely."

  "Yeah," I said shortly. "I knew that."

  "You won't do anything rash to me if something goes wrong, will you?"

  I looked at Bunny. She shook her head.

  "No. Of course not."

  "Well, it's never 'of course' with you, Aahz," the Geek said. "I just want your assurance, that's all. Can I offer you a side bet on the outcome?"

  "NO!"

  I turned my back on him.

  There were two paths marked on the floor that led in opposite directions, one purple and one orange. From my vantage point, and from the views provided by a dozen crystal balls arrayed about the Geek's bubble, I had a view of a roofless, hatbox-shaped building. The paths led to diametrically opposing points that each led into a maze which took up half of the hatbox. Each maze was beautifully designed, with marble statues and pillars, tinkling fountains and potted plants for decoration. In the center, where the mazes met, was a set of double doors. Before them rose a pedamented pillar on which sat an ornate golden key, of the hefty variety chatelaines used to rap the knuckles of lazy servants.

  "That's the door to the Chamber of Success," Bunny explained. "The team that gets there first has to go through to win. There are traps and deadfalls in the maze, and the walls move around to confuse the teams."

  I nodded. I was much more concerned with a sealed chamber the shape of a drum in the center of each maze. Fire and smoke issued from carved openings in the walls of the drum in the orange sector. Cascades of hot sparks flew out of the sealed room in the purple sector. Both concealed monsters were roaring and banging around inside their prisons. The very walls shook.

  The teams entered the maze. I could follow all of the action easily, in one or more of the crystal balls in the Geek's floating office. The All-Pervects went into their half like an army infiltrating enemy territory. One of them went first while the others covered him from the entrance. As soon as he signaled that he was safe, the others followed one at a time.

  "Hup! Hup, hup, hup!" they chanted.

  So, they'd practiced before they came on the show, too. No team was as inexperienced as the oath of amateur status would lead one to believe. They were simply unpaid. I grinned to myself.

  The point man trotted down the first corridor. He reached the corner and paused, waiting for his companions. When they had all reached his location, he set out again, only to disappear from sight.

  "Ayieeeee!"

  "Deadfall," the Geek said. "Yo
u warn them and warn them and warn them, and they still all fall into the first one. I just won a thousand gold pieces on that. Sucker bet."

  The Pervect's friends hauled him out. They felt their way along more cautiously, refusing to trust the floor unless they tested it first.

  The Geek's engineers had a surprise around the next corner for those who used a toe instead of magik to try out the floor. A female Pervect, in her first turn on point, prodded a tile with a cautious foot. She looked up at the sudden whistling noise above her head. A gigantic weight flattened her to the ground. The others yanked her out from underneath it and propped her up against the wall. She looked winded and bruised. The team leader spoke to her in a low voice. She waved them away. They hup-hup-hupped onward.

  I turned my attention to my students. They, too, had approached the maze with caution. Pologne, the research expert, was talking, probably giving them statistics on which way to turn at each crossroads. Bee kept track of the direction they were going, navigating by the stars overhead. Melvine was at the head of the group. The deadfall took him by surprise, but his reactions were quicker than the Pervect's had been. He only dropped a foot before he caught himself and hovered over the empty square.

  "Nyah, nyah, nyah," he shouted, thumbing his nose at the sky. "Is that the best you can do?"

  "Boy, that kid has attitude," the Geek said, looking pleased. "The crystals caught that. Great stuff!"

  "Not that way," Bunny shrieked as the team turned right. That path led through a narrow gap in shrubbery to a dead end. As the students turned back, the plants reached out thorny tendrils to grab them.

  "And the Sorcerer's Apprentices have found the Throtde Vines," Schlein announced. "Will they choke, or will they get past them?"

  I was distracted at that moment by a loud roar. The All-Pervects had reached the big chamber in the middle of their maze where the monster waited. The huge container rocked wildly.

  Bang!

  The top flew off, and a twenty-foot-long red dragon crawled out of the box, hissing and tossing its head. It spotted the Pervects, and issued a stream of fire. The Pervects backed up into the nearest niche to confer. I saw them pretending to pound something, or throttling imaginary necks as they ran over their options.