218 First Hugs

by E. L. Todd

  I’d never been good at sharing.

  I didn’t take a drink of my wine before I set it down on the coffee table. “Are we exclusive?” I asked the question bluntly because I lacked any form of tact. I’d never been the one to initiate this kind of conversation. The woman usually brought it up. Instead of beating around the bush, I cut right to the chase. A woman like her would probably appreciate it.

  She had just finished drinking from her glass, and a mark of red paint outlined where her lips had been just a moment ago.

  “We’re fucking without condoms, so can I assume we’re monogamous? I’d like to know, for health reasons.” I kept my cards close to my chest, taking Ace’s advice to navigate through the conversation. It made me wonder if Celeste would have ever brought it up if I hadn’t.

  “I’m not seeing anyone else in Carmel.”

  I was hoping that would be her answer, but it was nice to hear it out loud. But she phrased it strangely. She wasn’t seeing anyone in Carmel? Did that mean she was seeing someone else in France? But that would be cheating, and she didn’t strike me as a cheater. “And are we going to stay that way?” I did my best not to come off too strong. She was obviously attracted to me and enjoyed spending time with me, but I might just be a warm body in a bed to her.

  “Yeah, I suppose.” She swirled her wine before she took a drink.

  Goddammit, why did she have to be so cryptic? She wasn’t giving me anything to work with. Maybe she was waiting until she knew exactly how I felt because she admitted how she felt? I couldn’t figure it out.

  “For the time being.”

  And there it was—the deathblow. In just those few words, she told me this had a deadline. When the season was over, she would return to her life in France.

  I didn’t mean anything to her.

  I took a long drink of my wine to drown out the pain. The truth hurt even more than I anticipated. I’d never wanted to mean something to a woman before, and the one person I actually liked didn’t feel the same way.

  Talk about ironic.

  Tension filled the room, and I knew I was responsible for causing it. I didn’t know how to get out of it, so I thought I would just keep going. Now that I’d started it, I might as well finish it. “When are you going back to France?”

  She looked down at her wineglass, purposely avoiding my gaze. It wasn’t something she’d done before. “A few months.”

  I nodded even though I didn’t like that answer. That was not much time at all. “So, this is just a fling, then?”

  She leveled her head and looked my way. “I thought that was clear when we first went out. I told you I lived in Paris for most of the time.”

  It was clear. She never hid anything from me. I was just the idiot who hoped something more would happen. “It was clear. I wasn’t sure if anything had changed since we stopped using condoms. Just curious.”

  She turned away.

  I kept thinking about that phrase she’d used. She wasn’t seeing anyone else in Carmel. Did she have a boyfriend at home? A husband? I was disgusted at the thought. “Are you seeing someone back in France?” If she was, how could she be away from him for so long?

  She set her glass on the coffee table even though she would have drunk most of it by now. “Yes.”

  Yes?

  Seriously?

  She had a boyfriend?

  I was some dirty secret?

  I could deal with being a fling. I could deal with an expiration date. But I didn’t like liars and cheats. I’d never been cheated on, but I knew it didn’t feel good. I didn’t want any part in that.

  I rested my elbows on my knees and felt my hands tighten into fists. It was okay not knowing all the details of the relationship, but that was something she should have told me. “Celeste, I don’t hook up with cheaters. Not my thing.” I stood and walked to the door. “I would have appreciated a heads-up.” I was so pissed I couldn’t think straight. I’d just fucked this woman without a condom. Did she feel any guilt? Did she think about him? I felt disgusting.

  “Blade.” She came after me and grabbed my arm when I reached the door. “You’ve got the wrong idea.”

  “The wrong idea?” I yanked my hand away and turned around to face her. “You’re seeing someone else. There’s no way I could have misinterpreted that. I’m a one-woman kind of guy. If I make a commitment to someone, I keep it. I’m not fucking some other man’s woman. Not my philosophy.”

  “You don’t understand. I’m in an open relationship.”

  “An open relationship?” I repeated with a raised eyebrow.

  “Yes,” she said. “It’s mutual. We see other people, and we know about it. It’s not cheating. I’m not that kind of woman either.”

  Her boyfriend was okay with her sleeping with other guys? He sounded like a dumbass. “So you’ve told him about me?”

  “Yes. He knows everything about you.”

  “And he’s fine with me fucking you without wearing a rubber?” I found that hard to believe.

  “Yes.”

  What kind of freak show was this? “Is this some kind of European thing?”

  “Not really, but it’s more common there. He travels a lot, and I’m away every year. It’s unrealistic to expect us not to be attracted to other people. And not to act on those attractions is even more unrealistic.”

  I still couldn’t believe this. “So you’re okay with him sleeping with other women?”

  She nodded.

  “Do you want to marry this guy someday?”

  She shrugged. “We’ve talked about it. But it’s nowhere in the near future.”

  I ran my hand through my hair and took a step back. “I just need a second to process this.”

  “I understand,” she said. “I can understand why it would be weird to people who live a different lifestyle.”

  “It’s not really a different lifestyle,” I said. “I’ve slept around a lot in life, but not while I was committed to someone. If you ask me, when you’re with someone, that’s it. You’re with them. There’s nobody else. You obviously don’t love him. If you did, you wouldn’t look at me twice.”

  Her eyes narrowed.

  “And if he loved you, he wouldn’t let another man touch you. He wouldn’t let you live on the other side of the earth for months at a time.” I didn’t understand why I was getting so worked up. I’d had tons of flings before. If some other woman had said this same thing to me, I wouldn’t have cared. It wasn’t much different than what Ace had with Lady. But it bothered me—really bothered me. “That’s not love, Celeste. That’s not passionate and beautiful. That’s just…empty and sad. You deserve better than that.”

  With rosy cheeks, she only stared at me. Her beautiful eyes were a mystery to read. Only when we were in bed making love could I understand how she felt. But now, it seemed like I was talking to a concrete wall.

  I’d already ruined this relationship…or whatever the hell it was…enough as it was. I should just walk away and say goodbye. I fucked her on the couch, didn’t drink her wine, and then insulted her for having a philosophy that was different from my own. I was a complete ass, and I knew it.

  But I wouldn’t apologize for it.

  I walked out the door and to her porch, knowing she wouldn’t stop me from leaving this time. “Goodbye, Celeste.”

  When I reached the street, she stepped onto her porch and looked at me. “Blade.”

  I didn’t know why I stopped and looked at her. I should have ignored her. I should have just walked away and never stared at that stunning face again. But I looked anyway, knowing that beautiful woman meant more to me than all the women in my past combined.

  “I still want to be with you…”

  Not in the way I wanted. She wanted to use me while she was in town. She wanted to fuck me because I made her come. With someone else, I would have been thrilled to have a no-strings-attached relationship with an alluring foreign woman. But not this time. “I want all of you or none of you at all.”<
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  * * *

  “How’d it go with Celeste last night?” Ace asked as soon as I walked into the office.

  “Fucking terrible.” I dropped into my chair and threw my feet on the desk.

  Bree was sitting at the other desk, wearing the same angry expression that I wore on my own face. She was still pissed at Amelia, a fight all of us had stayed out of. “What happened?” She stopped looking at her computer and turned into the concerned friend she’d always been. She dropped her own personal baggage and cleared the slate so she could hear me out.

  “I asked about our situation last night,” I said. “She said she wasn’t seeing anyone else in Carmel.”

  “In Carmel?” Bree asked. “What does that mean?”

  “Dude, you’re looking too much into it,” Ace said. “Don’t overanalyze her.”

  “Actually, I’m glad I analyzed her.” I put my feet back on the floor and spun in my chair to look at him. “Because she is fucking someone else. She has a goddamn boyfriend back at home.”

  “What?” Bree shrieked. “You’re serious?”

  “And she told you that?” Ace asked incredulously. “She’s a cheater? Ugh, I hate cheaters.”

  “Me too,” Bree said bitterly. “How hard is it not to fuck someone? It’s pretty simple.”

  Before Bree could go on a tangent about Cypress and Amelia, I continued. “She said they’re in an open relationship. He sees other women, and she sees other men. It works for them because they both travel a lot.”

  “Ohh…” Ace nodded like he understood. “Well, that’s totally different.”

  “Yeah, not cheating,” Bree said. “If that’s their agreement, as weird as it is, she’s not doing anything wrong.”

  “How is it different?” I snapped. “She’s committed to him, but she’s fucking me. You don’t think that’s sick?”

  “I think it’s a little strange, but not uncommon,” Ace said. “A lot of people do that.”

  I clenched my jaw. “Well, I don’t like it. That’s not love. That’s… I don’t even know what the hell that is. If the guy loved her, he wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing she’s been with me. So she obviously doesn’t mean shit to him.”

  “I agree with you there,” Bree said. “There’s gotta be some jealousy in a relationship. If there’s none, then you have a problem.”

  “So what happened?” Ace asked.

  I shrugged. “I left.”

  “And that’s it?” Bree asked. “You just walked out?”

  “She said she wanted to keep seeing me, but I said no. I kept walking.” I didn’t want to settle for that arrangement. Whenever I was with her, I would think about that other guy. I didn’t even want to know his name.

  “What if she just wanted a fling?” Ace asked. “Would that have changed anything?”

  “No, probably not.” If it had been just the two of us, I had a chance to change her mind about staying.

  “Then what difference does this make?” Ace asked. “The guy is on the other side of the world.”

  “Because she has someone waiting for her back at home,” I snapped. “How do I stand a chance of getting her to stay if she already has someone she wants to be with? I’m just gonna invest all this time and get my heart broken. I’ve never wanted a fling since the day I met her. I’ve always wanted more.”

  Bree gave me a sad smile. “That’s really sweet.”

  “Maybe if she knew that, it would change things,” Ace said. “Tell her you don’t want a fling.”

  “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” I put my feet back on the desk. “We haven’t been seeing each other for long. I’ll sound like a psycho.”

  “She’s gotta feel something for you too,” Bree said. “She’s obviously just as passionate.”

  “That’s just because she’s French,” I said. “The French are passionate.”

  “Keep seeing her and change her mind,” Ace said.

  “Forget it.” I wasn’t investing any more time in this twisted relationship.

  Ace came over to my desk and jumped on the surface. “This is the bottom line, man. You actually like this girl. I’ve never seen you act this way with anyone else.”

  “That’s true,” Bree said.

  “So if she means something to you, fight for her. Steal her from the other guy. Show her what it’s like to be loved by a real man.”

  Bree gave Ace such a harsh glare that it was impossible not to notice. I watched her burn holes in his face from the savage look.

  What was that about?

  Ace noticed it too but ignored her. “She’s not engaged to him, right?”

  “No.”

  “Then you can do this,” Ace said. “If you really like her, don’t give up on her.”

  Bree cleared her throat loudly.

  Ace ignored her again. “Just think about it. If it doesn’t work out, at least you got to have incredible sex for a few months.”

  I didn’t care if I sounded like a pussy for saying this. I could say anything to these guys. “But the more I’m with her, the more I want to be with her…”

  Ace patted my shoulder. “I get it. But you have to try. You’re gonna lose the only woman who’s ever meant anything to you. Either way, you’re gonna get hurt. You may as well try to have everything you want in the process.”

  “You’re such a fucking hypocrite.” Bree stormed out of the office and slammed the door on her way out.

  Ace watched her go, an irritated look in his eyes.

  “What was that about?” I asked. “How are you a hypocrite?”

  He hopped off my desk. “Just think about what I said, alright?”

  How could I think about that when all I could think about was what Bree said?

  What did it mean?

  6

  Bree

  Cypress knocked on my door.

  We hadn’t spoken in a while, and I knew his patience wouldn’t last forever. I opened the door and came face-to-face with him, his beard thicker than I’d ever seen it. He’d obviously given up on shaving.

  I liked it when he had a shadow on his face, but now it was getting out of control. I didn’t care for it, but nothing could downplay how attractive his chiseled face was. He still looked like a beautiful man, just hidden behind an untamed beard.

  He held up two envelopes. “They put these in my box instead. Wanted to pass them along.”

  “Thanks.” I glanced at each one. “Bills…great.”

  He didn’t smile with his mouth, but his eyes lit up slightly. “That’s the only thing that’s ever in my box, besides junk flyers.”

  “Well…thanks.” I tucked the letters under my arm.

  Cypress stayed put, obviously having another motive. “Dino has been pretty down lately. I think he misses you.”

  “He does?” I asked in surprise.

  “When I first moved in to the house next door and he didn’t see you anymore, he did the same thing. He gets really bummed out. He’s probably afraid the same thing is happening, and he won’t see you anymore.”

  Knowing our dog was in pain broke my heart. “Aww…”

  “Do you mind taking him for a walk? Then letting him stay with you? That will get him out of his funk.”

  “I’d love to.”

  “Great. I’ll be right back.” Cypress left my house and walked back to his.

  The conversation made me realize that the three of us were a family, despite my need for space. It didn’t matter how angry I was or how Vanessa’s presence made me feel. Life went on.

  Cypress returned with Dino on a leash. “There she is, boy.”

  Dino took off and charged into my legs. He shook his tail with impressive force and whined with excitement.

  “I missed you too.” I kneeled on the ground and wrapped my arms around him, feeling him go crazy in my embrace. His fur was so soft, and his slobber got on my knee. “You’re so gross, but I love you.” I let him kiss me on the mouth before I stood up.

&nbs
p; Cypress handed me the leash. “Here’s some food too.” He held up a plastic bag of hard dog food and set it on the couch. “You two have fun.” He gave me a smile that wasn’t remotely sincere then walked out.

  When I imagined Cypress going home to an empty house without Dino there to keep him company, I felt an ache in my chest. He spent so much time making sure I had what I needed that he never worried about taking care of himself. I’d have to be made of stone not to appreciate everything he did for me. “Cypress?”

  He turned back around. “What’s up?”

  “You wanna come with us?”

  Dino spun in circles more, as if he understood what I’d just asked.

  Cypress’s mouth stretched into a smile, and this time, it wasn’t fake. “I’d love to.”

  * * *

  It was a cool evening. The sky was overcast with thick and heavy clouds, and the sun had no chance of piercing through the haze. But there wasn’t any wind, not even a slight breeze that moved over the skin.

  There was hardly anyone along the beach, probably because the sky was so murky. The tide was high, so the beach was sloped at a harsh angle and we had to walk on the sand that was elevated above the water.

  It was a dog beach, so we didn’t need to keep Dino on a leash. He was well-behaved and not hostile to other canines he saw along the way. Sometimes they would smell each other’s butts, but they’d be on their way a moment later.

  Cypress brought an orange tennis ball, and he would throw it far ahead, making Dino run at full speed to retrieve the ball before it was washed away into the ocean.

  “Wow, he’s fast,” I said. “Look at him go.”

  “He’s a sheep herder for a reason.”

  “I can’t see Dino herding sheep. He would just smell their butts all day.”

  Cypress chuckled. “You’re probably right.”

  Dino returned with the ball in his mouth. His tongue hung out the left side of his mouth, getting drops of slobber everywhere.

  “Good boy.” Cypress took the ball out of his mouth and threw it again.