Loving Lily

by Pamela Ann

  “What does it matter?” he answered incredulously. “It’s not as if you’re suddenly interested what’s going on in my life. So the question whether I did or didn’t have sex with another woman is not important.”

  “It is to me.” I insisted. “It’s important to me.”

  And just as I finished saying, his cellphone which was sitting on his desk, starting shrilling out of nowhere, breaking our conversation.

  Cussing out, Drake ran a hand through his hair while his other hand clutched on the small towel around his hips before striding over towards his desk, avoiding my gaze as he took the call.

  Watching him from a distance, only then did I fully see what I had carelessly thrown away.

  For such a long time, I had loved him from afar. Seeing myself going back to where I started brought dread to my diminishing hope.

  Chapter 20

  Lily

  The entire time he was speaking on the phone, not once did my gaze wander or waver. It securely trained on him, noting every single thing he did. I should’ve left but I couldn’t find the power in me to get away from here. I was spell bounded by the revelation that this man could still take my breath away.

  The question was no longer if I wanted him back in my life, it was how would I ever get him back to love and accept me as he did before I went cold turkey on him.

  “I have to be somewhere tonight,” he starting saying while I tried to avoid openly staring at his muscled body. “I need to shower and go through some paperwork before heading out. Did you drive here or do you need me to have one of the company cars take you home?” He was never nonchalant about everything, making my ever-climbing desperation skyrocket some more.

  Where was he going, I badly wanted to ask but I knew it wasn’t my place anymore. So instead, I asked, “What time will you be home tonight?”

  He paused scrolling through his phone before giving me a levelheaded look, sending my heart acute palpitations. “I actually just decided that maybe we should avoid each other for awhile. There’s this problem in New York and I initially wanted to send someone else for a week to take care of it. But after this…I think it’ll be good if I go take care of it myself. It’ll give us space—which you and I badly need.”

  He was going to New York for a whole week? “When do you plan to leave?” What the hell have I done? It seemed as if he’d escape as much as possible just to avoid me all together. Did he really despise me that much?

  “I’ll be chartering a jet to leave tonight right after the business dinner.”

  Trepidation filled me. “Do you ever plan on coming home?” I questioned in a small voice.

  He shook his head before releasing a regretful sound. “No…I don’t think it’s wise. For the baby’s sake—I want to keep what little civility we have for one another by staying away because all we’ve been doing lately is inflict more damage.”

  “I’m moving out some of my things tonight then…I don’t think I can be in that house too.” The house was too big for Skull and I. Besides, if he wasn’t there anymore, I didn’t want to get reminded of how empty my life would be without him in it. The place was once filled with our love and happiness, and recalling just how much love we shared in that place made me sob a little.

  “If you think that’s best for you then, I can’t argue with you about that,” he said before strolling towards the bathroom and in less than a minute, he came out donning a black robe that made my mouth water just by the mere sight of him.

  Stopping a foot away from me while tightening his robe, I then noticed the missing wedding band of his ring finger. “Where’s your ring?”

  “Somewhere in Mexico.”

  His answer baffled me. “What? You left it there? I don’t think I saw it anywhere in the room nor the bathroom before I left today.”

  “I threw it out in the sea that morning I decided to take the next flight out to come back here.”

  “Oh.”

  Drake pressed his lips together, looking rather apologetic about it. I treated him so bad he had every right to throw it. I guess when men say it’s over, it really means it’s fucking done and over with. Unlike women, we get too overwhelmed by a lot of things that we take action without thought. I was all bark but no bite. Drake was the opposite.

  No longer holding back, my barriers all but shutdown, letting everything go since I had nothing to protect myself against because the man I had tried to bar from being a part of my life had already took flight.

  I was going to be alone and pregnant. And I had no one to blame but my own stupidity.

  The moment my tears fell, Drake closed the gap between us before cupping his hands on my hands, sadly smiling down at me.

  “Shhh…there’s no need for tears. This is what you wanted in the first place, and if you’re worried that I won’t be there if you need someone, I’m only a call away and I’ll be there for you.”

  “I know,” I shakily whispered, nodding my head in agreement. “I know…” my tears were unstoppable and I couldn’t stand seeing pity in his eyes. Ignoring my shedding tear ducts, I bravely opened my purse before producing something in my hand. “I’ve been carrying this with me…” I sniffed, barely seeing his face from the forming ball of tears. “I meant to give it to you in Mexico but you left without telling me, so I never got the chance.” Handing it to him, his face seemed mesmerized at the photo, as if almost afraid to take it from my hands. And when he did, I witnessed his throat bob up and down, studying it as if he was in total awe and amazement by it. The ultrasound picture had an imprint of my name with a caption of Baby Tatum on it. I thought that since I had never taken him to any of my appointments, I wanted to show him that it was growing well and healthy.

  “Thank you for giving this to me—I’ll frame it and place it right on my table so I get to see it all the time.” He was far too grateful, so much so that it showed me how much I had disregarded his feelings, as a man, as a father.

  I nodded, feeling wretched that I had chosen not to share the baby with him. It was his baby too, and yet I deprived him of the simplest joy of having a photo of the baby. How did I become so cruel that I couldn’t even see how wrong I had been treating him? I was too caught up with myself…too selfish to think of him and his needs too.

  No wonder he gave up on me. I wouldn’t want to be around myself either.

  “I should get going…” I dolefully said, feeling putout. I had stalled him for far long than I had intended, and standing here being so close to him, surely wasn’t healthy for me because with the persisting tears, I could possibly go dehydrated from that alone.

  He looked up with his face so close to mine. So near…and yet so far from me. I had better start getting used it.

  “Lily?”

  “Yeah?”

  “My father had let me in on his plans…he’s planning on a surprise for my mom for their 40th wedding anniversary next month. Do you mind if we go together and not break it to them just yet? I want my parents to just enjoy this time of their lives. The last thing I want for them to do is worry about me, and if they find out that we’re separating, my father will most likely deem it inappropriate to follow through with his surprise. So will that be okay to wait until then? I really want to do with for dad. He’s had quite the scare and after so much fraught and sadness, he thought it would be perfect to do this ceremony to reinstate how much they love each other.”

  The tiny flicker of hopefulness instantly vanished. There won’t be any 10th, 30th or 40th wedding anniversaries for me. I felt like I was doused with iced water and the bitch mask I had donned for quite some time had all but melted, leaving me in a state of confusion and uncertainty. Smiling bravely, I tried to regain my composure but failed miserably since my tears weren’t going anywhere anytime soon. “You know I’ll do anything for them—they’re my family too.”

  “I know.” His throat bobbed, pressing his lips together.”

  “All right…I’m going…” Clutching my purse harder than before, I thr
ew him one last look before starting to slowly walk towards the door. But before exiting, I paused for a second, spinning around to face him. He hadn’t left his position, staring formidably at me. Even with only his robe on, he appeared like a man in charge, a man who wasn’t intimidated by anything.

  “About earlier—the whole fiasco with your masseuse and the yelling…” My faults were piled high and recalling what I did earlier made me blush from head to foot from embarrassment. “I apologize for that. That wasn’t what I had intended to do…but the moment I stepped in here, my mind shutdown and my instincts took over. You’re right—it’s none of my business anymore.”

  Pressing his lips together, he folded his arms before frowning deeply at me. “What was you intention then, Lily?”

  “Obviously not what you witnessed. But after seeing her hand so deep in your thighs—” I gave him a sharp look. “You’re not into prostitutes are you? She wasn’t one of those women who give happy endings right?” Why am I still discussing this with him? I shouldn’t care but I couldn’t help it, I cared a whole lot. I gave a fucking damn about what he did. I just didn’t realize just how much until a few moments ago.

  Fuck. The women he dated flashed before my eyes and I suddenly felt like—FUCK.

  My eyes were as big as saucers as I made a frantic dash towards the bathroom, locked the door before retching my heart out.

  The thought of him taking a woman in bed made me sick. How will I even deal with this since it was too late to take the ugliness I had started? I didn’t want a divorce. I wasn’t sure why I wanted one to begin but after today, everything’s been so clear to me.

  “Lily is everything okay?” Drake gently knocked on the door, most likely listening to the sound of me puking and crying at the same time.

  How pathetic must he think of me.

  He tried to shake the door handle, asking if I could let him in but I didn’t want to move, not until I was done. “Should I call a doctor? You don’t sound too good.” He was upset and I could easily tell whenever he was by his high-pitched tone.

  “No doctors—just give me a moment. I should be fine.” It would’ve been great if I believed my lies.

  “Okay, well I’m just going to be right here if you need anything.”

  Why did he have to turn into a sweet man all of a sudden? Why couldn’t he just remain aloof and apathetic? It made it much harder to convince myself that I could be strong and brave this one out…

  Ten maybe fifteen minutes later, I finally rose from the floor after hugging the toilet like it was my best friend for life. It seemed that my tears had subsided along with my heaving stomach. Emotionally drained, I felt the exhaustion started to creep on me. After washing my hands, I almost released a sigh of relief when I found a mouthwash in one of the drawers. Holding myself together, I carried on cleaning my mouth. Once done, I then shut off the faucet before my bright engagement and wedding ring flashed at me, catching my attention.

  I threw it out in the sea that morning I decided to take the next flight out to come back here.

  His words haunted me and will never be forgotten.

  Finally emerging from the bathroom, I found Drake right outside the door, leaning against the wall with furrowed brows. “I’m feeling so much better,” I shyly said, straining to smile. “You didn’t have to wait for me, I know you have to be somewhere and you’re probably running late as it is.”

  “You can’t expect me to leave when you sound like you were dying in there.” His worried expression remained unchanged. “Why don’t you take a seat, breathe and let me make you some tea to settle your stomach.”

  No. This was awkward enough; staying another minute in his presence would make me crumble again. If I stayed, I’d most likely have a nervous breakdown before the clock hits midnight. “Please no—I promise I’m okay—” Words vanished from my lips when spoke so close to my face that his hot breath gave me goosebumps.

  “It’s either you stay here while I make sure you’re okay or I drive you home and feed you myself. Take your pick.”

  He wasn’t going to let up so I best choose the wisest one, choosing to stay here. Because if I let him drive me home just as he promised, I might do something drastic…like beg him to forget about it all and start over again. “I’ll stay…if it makes you feel better.”

  “Thank you,” he murmured before putting his hand behind my back to guide me towards the sofa. Taking a seat, Drake then took some pillows before placing it on my back. As if that wasn’t enough, he surprised me by maneuvering my body to the side before placing my legs atop another feathered pillow. “There.” He declared before seeking my eyes. “I can take your sandals off too if it makes you relax better.”

  Shaking my head, I vehemently declined. “No thanks.”

  Worry etched all over his face. “All right…well as for tea, what would you like? I heard chamomile tea is good for the tummy, but if you wish something stronger, I have Earl Grey, Darjeeling and Green tea.”

  “Chamomile please.”

  Observing him stroll towards the bar, I watched every move he made from taking the cup and saucer to pouring the hot water in the glass teapot. This nurturing side of him, I knew without a doubt I’d seriously miss.

  “Here you go,” he said as he brought it out on a black lacquered tray before gradually placing it on the coffee table before me. “I thought biscuits might settle your tummy do, so I added that as well.”

  “Thanks, Drake.” The burn in the back on my eyes started once more. I better not cry, I bit down hard on my lip hoping my senses will focus on the pain I was causing rather than my irrevocably injured heart.

  “It’s my baby that’s causing your body to react this way, there’s no need for thank you’s.” Taking the hot pot, he began pouring tea.

  To a certain degree I agreed with him…but even then, I reacted like a total possessed woman earlier on, lashing out on him with my fists. Instead of treating me like crap, he did the opposite, which only worsened my remorse.

  Sighing, I reached out to take the hot cup from him before holding it close to my lips, slowly blowing air into the scalding honey-hued content before take tiny sips so that I won’t burn myself in the process. My emptied stomach felt rather better when the warm liquid settled in my tummy. We lavished on the silence that sat in between us. It wasn’t an awkward tension but simply more complacent, as if he and I had found a common ground—a sanctuary—to reflect on ourselves and our past god-awful behaviors towards one another.

  After awhile, I sunk further into the cushion of the sofa, feeling a lot of more comfortable and subdued. Maybe it was because I had cried a ton and my eyes were dry and scratchy, or the kind of emotional and mental torture I’d been straining myself in…whatever reason it may be, my body surely was feeling the consequential effects of it. Resting the cup back on the coffee table, I sunk back to my prior position before shutting my eyes. They were so dry that blinking made it painful. I suppose resting them for a bit would do just fine.

  “Let me massage your feet…” Drake’s voice broke into my thoughts before I snapped my eyes open.

  “No, they're fine—there's no need—" I stopped functioning all together because his hands took hold of my feet before placing it on his lap.

  “There’s every need…I’ve never seen you this tired or sleepy since that first day you opened your own business.”

  My skin prickled as I felt my body immediately react to his familiar touch. Was it wrong that I was turned on? Too aroused that I unconsciously released a moan. Not from the pleasure he was giving my feet but the thought of those hands seeking in between my thighs.

  Drake paused upon hearing my moan without meeting my eye before resuming his massage seconds later. Reddening from head to foot, I wanted to die on the spot.

  Should I even say something, maybe apologize for moaning?

  Forget it... It might worsen the situation… but how bad could it get though? This guy knew me too well, knew how to get my body hot and
compliant to meet his voracious sexual nature. Depriving my body from his touch for so long was a bad idea because it's all I could think off... And those big strong sexy hands simply made me

  This torture has got to stop...

  Or…maybe indulge for another minute perhaps? Gah. I wasn’t sure what to do next since I was too distracted by his touch that I could barely think straight. Everything was so sensitive. It was as if my entire body was on fire and every pore was a nerve ending, making me so highly sensitive from any stimulation whatsoever.

  "Would it be odd if I asked to touch your stomach?"

  Again, his question took me aback, contemplating what to say next. While I my mind pin ponged with my decision, Drake gave me on of those melt-your-panties-kind-of-smile and I couldn’t help it, my panties did its own melting.

  "I've always wondered how it would feel...and since you're relaxed and appearing calm, I thought this would be the best time to ask."

  "Oh...yeah...sure." Without thinking, I slowly pulled my dress, lifting it upwards.

  "I could touch it with your dress on too."

  I never intended to take all of it off. I only lifted it so that my burgeoning belly was exposed, leaving my pink lace underwear exposed too. "I know but I felt guilty that I didn't share this with you..."

  "Are you planning to just stare at me?"

  "You just shocked me that's all." With the use of his left hand, he brought it towards my stomach, softly cupping it with a beautiful awe like expression. "Wow this feels weird. It's like a hard and yet soft rock. If that makes sense at all."

  "I know right?" I laughed in amazement. "I can't wait until I find out its sex."

  "This is a beautiful thing you're doing, Lil... Thank you for sharing this with me."

  Sigh, I was getting choked up. "If it's not too late... You can still be a part of it. You can go with me when I have appointments. Or if you're interested in going baby shopping with me."