by Mia Archer
Either way I’d be in the lead. A lead role! I couldn’t believe it! I’d dreamed about landing a lead in one of these plays since I first found out about the drama club years ago, and now it was finally happening.
Sure I’d done bit parts and had some pretty good supporting roles, but I’d never had to carry a play. The thought that it might finally be happening was both exciting and just a little terrifying.
“That’s right,” Mr. Thompson said, seeming to recognize the recognition dawning on my face. “I’m gender bending Mr. Farnsworth to become Ms. Farnsworth and we’re going to make the two romantic leads women.”
A huge grin split my face. I couldn’t help myself. A lead in a play! It was the dream and it was finally coming true! It was so amazing I was having trouble believing it was actually happening.
Someone next to me made a strange choking noise. I turned and half expected to see Chloe choking on a piece of candy or something I didn’t realize she had, but instead she sat there with a look that was somewhere between excitement and pure terror.
Which I could identify with. It was a big deal being a lead, and this would be her first time as a freshman!
“Do we have to do it like that?” she asked, going pale and looking like she was about to be sick.
I blinked. That look was like a slap in the face. I knew she had a touch of the religion keeping her down, but I guess I hadn’t realized how bad it was until that moment.
Was the idea of getting up onstage with me and acting out a relationship really all that terrible?
She hadn’t acted like it was all that terrible when we were up there rolling around on the couch. That was for damn sure. I went from elation to fear to anger all in the space of a second.
Mr. Thompson also looked a little surprised.
“Is something wrong Chloe? After your performance that day I thought for sure you wanted this, and I’ve never cast a freshman in a lead like this.”
Maybe that was supposed to make her feel better about everything. If she was any other person in the drama club she probably would’ve felt better about that.
Well, anyone but Courtney that is. She was going to be pissed she missed out on starring in the fall play, and that she missed out to a freshman of all things. It would be pretty damn funny and I’d never let her hear the end of it, but she was also going to be insufferable for awhile.
Chloe didn’t react like a normal drama rat though. No, she just looked like she was about to be sick as she stood and made for the door.
“I need to get some air,” she said. “Please. Just…”
She looked at the two of us and then at the door. It was clear she would’ve done just about anything to get the hell out of the room. Finally she couldn’t think of anything to say so she bolted.
The door slammed shut behind her with a chilling finality.
That door wasn’t just slamming on Chloe. It was slamming on my opportunity to be a lead in a play. I got the feeling that this was a package deal based on our performance, and already I could tell by the frown on Mr. Thompson’s face that he was reconsidering this whole thing.
That’s not all the door was slamming shut on though, was it? I’d seen the look on her face when she realized it was going to be a play about two girls falling for each other. That sickly look that said she couldn’t stomach the idea.
Or maybe it was just that she couldn’t stomach the idea of her being the one who was forced to act out a relationship like that.
Obviously there was a lot going on between the poor girl’s ears, and it was equally obvious that I needed to go talk to her now.
“I should go track her down and see what’s going on,” I said.
“Yeah, you do that,” Mr. Thompson said. “And let me know if you think this is going to be a problem.”
The frown creasing his face told me he thought this was going to be a problem if this freakout lasted much longer. So as I left his office it was with the thought that I needed to comfort Chloe and calm her down, but at the same time I couldn’t shake the feeling that if I didn’t get her to calm down soon it was going to ruin my opportunity to be a leading lady.
Darn it.
13
Chloe
I stepped out into the room proper and felt the door slam shut behind me. Actually felt it deep in my body.
Oops. Guess I slammed that door shut a little harder than I’d intended.
Not that I stopped to think about it for all that long. No, I was too up in my own head to worry about something like that.
I’d freaked out. Freaking out wasn’t good. I knew deep down that what Mr. Thompson just offered me, just offered us, was a really big deal.
I’d heard Sarah talking about how much she wanted to be the lead in a play, after all. I’d seen all the people twisted up into nervous wrecks at tryouts and I still felt like an impostor because they were all taking it so seriously and I waltzed up on the stage and got a leading part the first time I tried for it.
I felt like I didn’t deserve it or something because I hadn’t paid my dues. I didn’t know what to do.
So I turned and made my way for the door. I couldn’t stay in that room. Not with the mini stage down at the bottom and all the seats in the mini theater as reminders of tryouts.
I stepped out into the hall and leaned against the wall. Took a couple of deep gasps. Then a few more gasps for good measure. Actually I kept gasping right up until I felt lightheaded and the next thing I knew everything went kind of black and I was down on the floor for some reason and my tailbone really hurt.
I blinked a couple of times to clear away the stars dancing around as my brain tried to decide if it was going to black out again.
Stupid traitorous brain. I didn’t want to black out. I needed to think.
Think Chloe. You brought this all on yourself. I was the stupid one who went against what I thought my mom would want and signed up for drama class because I thought it looked fun. I was the one who kept hanging around Sarah even though there were all those confusing feelings that hit me every time I thought about her. Every time I saw her. Every time I looked at her.
I was the one who went to those stupid tryouts. It’s not like it was Sarah’s fault. It’s not like she twisted my arm.
Okay, so maybe she twisted my arm just a little, but I could’ve said no.
I didn’t. And I guess I’d gone up there and given a performance that blew Mr. Thompson away and now he wanted me to star in a play about two women falling in love.
My body started to tingle and I got a bad case of the shakes. Stars danced around again and for a panicked moment I worried I was on the verge of blacking out.
This was not happening. This could not be happening. This was way too close to admitting the truth of something that had been rattling around in the back of my head, and admitting it to the world in spectacular fashion.
I didn’t need this. What would my friends at youth group say?
What would Pastor Dave say?
He wouldn’t have anything good to say. I was pretty sure of that, at least.
“So do you maybe want to tell me what that was all about?”
I looked up. Had to reach up and wipe a tear from my eyes. Why were there tears in my eyes, darn it?
Sarah stood there. She looked like a pretty blurry mess. She looked like the kind of dangerous girl I was supposed to avoid with her hair cut short and all those piercings and her fondness for dark clothing.
In short she looked beautiful. It was a feeling that welled up deep inside me every time I laid eyes on her.
It was a feeling I knew was wrong, but I couldn’t stop it.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ve spent all this time trying to get you to think I’m cool and then I act like a goober and…”
I looked down and blushed. The same thing I did every time something wasn’t going my way. I hated that looking away and blushing was my natural reaction to a situation I couldn’t handle.
I felt Sar
ah move down to sit next to me. She put a hand on my shoulder. That hand felt nice. Nice enough that before I really realized what I was doing I leaned into it and she started stroking my hair.
That felt even better. It sent a fun little shiver running through me.
“So you want to tell me what’s wrong?” she asked.
I sighed. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”
“It’s just that…”
I paused. How to explain all of it. The more I thought of it the more ridiculous it seemed. Why should I care what Pastor Dave thought of me? Sitting there in the church basement strumming his guitar and acting like he knew everything.
“This is wrong,” I said.
I wasn’t sure if I was talking about what Sarah did to me or if I was talking about the play. Talking about letting the whole world have a window into what I was thinking through the play.
“Is it really that wrong?” Sarah asked.
She started stroking the back of my neck. It was a gentle motion. It felt good. I instinctively glanced up and down the hall to make sure there wasn’t anyone hanging out who might see that gentle motion and get the wrong idea.
Even if my body was getting the wrong idea if the way it was reacting was anything to go on. This is exactly the sort of reaction Craig probably hoped for when he leaned in for that kiss.
And it was exactly the kind of reaction he was never going to get.
I looked at Sarah. Forced myself to hold her gaze. A gaze that seemed to burn brighter than the sun, but what could I do? She was so beautiful.
I kept coming back to that. She was beautiful. Smart. Nice. Not at all like the image Pastor Dave put in my head about people like her.
That I was even still thinking of someone who’d been a good friend to me as “people like her” was a sure sign of the zap he’d put on my head.
And it left me wondering something very important. If Pastor Dave could be so wrong about people like Sarah, people in the drama club, then what else was he wrong about?
“Sarah, I…”
“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want, you know,” she said.
I was hit with another one of those weird moments where I wasn’t sure if we were talking about the play or something else. Either way it was a relief to hear her say that.
It was a relief and it was terrifying. I wanted to be in the play. I wanted to be around her. It was confusing, but there was also certainty under the confusion that was getting stronger and stronger the more time I spent away from youth group.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “It’s just everything was sort of overwhelming. If I got up on stage and acted out a…”
I stopped. I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
“A lesbian relationship?” Sarah prompted.
I shivered. I didn’t think that shiver had anything to do with how wrong that should’ve been. No, it had everything to do with how right it felt. How much I wanted it.
“Is it really all that bad?” Sarah asked. “I mean isn’t love love no matter who you are? At least that’s how I always figured it.”
I stared at her for a long moment. What she said sort of made sense. Of course there was also a tiny voice in the back of my head whispering that someone trying to tempt me away from the true path, whatever that was, would say something that made sense.
That was why it was so dangerous.
The only problem was when I looked at Sarah I had a difficult time believing she could ever mean anything bad for me. She didn’t have a tail or horns on the top of her head or anything like that.
No, she didn’t seem like the kind of person who would lead me astray, and these feelings were a part of me which meant they had to be something God had put there so how could it be bad…
I was leaning forward without thinking. I pressed my lips against hers. Kept my eyes open because they were pretty wide with surprise.
Why was I doing this? Why was I kissing Sarah? Why was I kissing a girl? We were in the middle of the hallway and someone could walk past and see what we were doing!
Then the feeling took over and I didn’t care. The kiss was like everything I should’ve felt with Craig only it was so much better. It was a kiss that curled my toes and had me leaning into her and wanting more.
I wrapped my arms around her, and after a moment she seemed to get over her surprise too. She went from wide-eyed to closing her eyes and I did the same.
I let myself be carried away by the feeling, and darn it that was a good feeling!
The only thing that finally brought me back to reality was the tone sounding to let me know class was over.
Oh boy. Here came that familiar old panic again. I was getting tired of living my life in a constant panic, but I also didn’t want anyone to see us out here locking lips.
I pulled away and Sarah smiled, but she seemed to understand where I was coming from.
“Wow,” she said.
“Yeah, wow,” I replied.
“So does that mean you’re going to give some thought to playing Violet?” she asked.
I thought about it. Really thought about it. Heck, I’d been thinking about playing a role in the play ever since I found out about it in drama class.
It’s just I never thought I’d be playing a role opposite another girl. After that kiss I couldn’t deny that it was an intriguing idea though.
I grinned. I could hear the sound of lockers opening all around us as people filed from class to class, but for that moment it was just the two of us and the outside world was completely gone.
“Yeah,” I said. “I think I could really enjoy that.”
“Good,” Sarah said. “Now let’s get back in there and tell Mr. Thompson about your decision before he changes his mind and gives the part to Courtney.”
This time it was a completely different type of panic that welled up inside me. “He could do that?”
Sarah shrugged. “He’s the drama teacher and he’s the one running the show, literally. He could do whatever he wanted and there’s nothing we can do about it.”
I grabbed Sarah by the hand more out of instinct than anything. I meant to pull her into the drama room, but I also had to admit that holding her hand felt good. Felt right.
It also felt more than a little forbidden, and that sent a thrill running through me. I’d always tried to be good. I’d always tried to do the right thing.
After a lifetime of trying to do the right thing it felt a little naughty to suddenly be doing something that was against the rules.
“Come on,” I said. “We’re not letting Courtney take our roles! I owe her for that first day!”
Sarah laughed as I practically dragged her into the drama room and even pushed a couple of people out of the way on their way out of the room.
“We’re going to make a drama nerd of you yet Chloe!”
14
Sarah
“No! That is all wrong. I want you to take it from the top!”
I bit back a couple of things I’d like to say to Mr. Thompson in that moment. None of them were going to be very helpful. None of them would endear me to the man who controlled whether or not I was still going to be in a starring role on opening night.
Still, the punk rock girl deep inside me, the part of me that pushed me to get all these piercings and deck myself out in all black because fuck those preppy conformists, wanted to flip him the bird.
I didn’t. That wouldn’t be productive at all. The urge was there though. Just a little.
“What was wrong that time?” Chloe asked.
She sounded even more frustrated than I was. Then again frustration was the name of the game early on when you were learning your marks.
Mr. Thompson stepped up onto the stage. Stomped onto the stage is more like it. Then he stomped over to where we stood and looked down at the mark Chloe was supposed to be standing on.
“This is where you’re supposed to go while you say that line Chloe,” he said. “You ne
ed to make sure you hit this mark every time so it becomes natural for you to do it when you’re up onstage and we don’t have the marks anymore.”
He turned to regard me. As soon as he was turned around Chloe stuck her tongue out at the back of his head which put me in a tough spot because suddenly I was forced to try my best not to devolve into a fit of the giggles.
That girl was going to be the death of me. That or she was going to be the reason I got kicked out of the drama program because she didn’t know how to act around Mr. Thompson when he got like this.
“Okay. We’re going to try this from the top of the scene. Remember that the name of the game in this scene is tension, but comedy on top of that,” he said.
I rolled my eyes when I was sure he was behind me and couldn’t see me rolling my eyes. I wanted to be insubordinate but I didn’t want him to see that I was being insubordinate.
That would waste everyone’s time.
“Why is he like this?” Chloe asked.
“He’s always like this when a show is first getting started,” I said. “He’s used to micromanaging everyone because he doesn’t think we can pull it off without his genius.”
Chloe rolled her eyes and didn’t bother to look and see if Mr. Thompson was paying attention. Out of habit I glanced off to the seats but his back was still turned. He was saying something to Mike Arnold who was supposed to be directing this thing.
Directing usually meant playing second fiddle to whatever Mr. Thompson told someone to do though. One reason why I never got into it. The man was completely different in class, in drama club meetings, and when he was directing a play.
“Ready to do this again?” I asked.
“As ready as I’m going to be,” Chloe said.
I took in a deep breath. Sighed. We’d already been up here for what felt like forever and a glance at my phone told me we still had another hour to go before rehearsal was officially over.
“No phones on the stage Sarah,” Mr. Thompson said. “If I see it again it’s mine until the end of rehearsal.”
