A Father's Vow

by Tina Leonard

  “Yeah.” Lucy closed her eyes again. “I want to play with my pets. And I want to sit up and watch movies together. And carve a pumpkin when it’s Halloween. It’s next month, the nurse told me. Maybe I’ll be out of the hospital by then.” She opened her eyes to look at them. “‘Member the pumpkin face you carved last year, Daddy?”

  Ben smiled at her. “Yes, I do.”

  “Mommy drew the face, and you cut it out. And then we all went trick or treating.” She took a deep, labored breath. “I want me and Mommy to be matching princesses again this time.”

  “Okay, sweetheart.” Ben kissed his daughter’s cheek, and Marissa leaned over the bed rail to brush her hair back and kiss her, too. “You rest, now.”

  Lucy closed her eyes as if her eyelids were too heavy to lift.

  Ben stared at Marissa. She gazed back at him calmly.

  The family tie was too strong to break. It had to stay in one piece to keep Lucy strong.

  * * *

  BEN COULDN’T HIDE from his responsibility any longer. He would give anything to hold on to his own dream, but the fact was, he’d already bartered with the miracle gods to find a cure for his daughter. That dream had come true.

  Greedily begging for too much could cause them to rescind what they’d given.

  His hand strayed to the phone, then retreated. Steadfastly, then, he forced himself to dial Carolyn’s number.

  * * *

  AN HOUR LATER, Ben was at Carolyn’s apartment. He could tell by the look on her face that she knew why he’d come. She didn’t ask him to come in, and he didn’t request it. He felt frozen in place, unable to move his feet to step inside the doorway. “I’m so sorry,” was all he could say. “I’m so sorry.”

  She looked down before nodding. “Ben, you have to do what is best for your family. And I understand that.”

  He didn’t want her to understand. He didn’t want to understand. The stark truth was too painful, and he wanted to rail against it. Her slight shoulders quivered under her pajama top. She wore no makeup. The rich auburn hair he loved to bury his face in was pulled into a ponytail. Full, rich lips beckoned him to kiss her.

  He didn’t have that right. Shakily, he made himself focus on her large, sad emerald eyes. “I just want you to know that when we made love, it was the most wonderful thing that’s happened to me in a long time.” He drew a ragged, constricted breath. “In a long time.”

  Her smile was small and shaky. “Me, too.”

  “You gave me hope to hang on when I had no hope, Carolyn. You’ll always be part of my life in some mysterious way that even I’m not sure I understand. You just are what you are to me, and no one else can ever touch that part of my soul.”

  Tears jumped into her eyes. “Go, Ben, please. I’m going to cry, and I want to do it alone.”

  “God, I’m so sorry, Carolyn—“ He broke off, wanting to put his arms around her and comfort her, but not daring.

  “Don’t be. I want you to be happy. Most of all, I want Lucy to be well. So it’s best if you give her what she needs now.” She looked at him, tears filling her eyes, and slowly started to close the door.

  He couldn’t help it. His hand shot out to hold the door open the last foot before it closed. “I’ll never forget you. Please don’t ever forget me.”

  She shook her head at him, the tears spilling down her cheeks now. “Never,” she said.

  * * *

  CAROLYN LOCKED the door, her emotions ripped from her like stuffing from a rag doll. She ran down the hall to her room, throwing herself on her bed, burying her cries in her pillow. She let herself have a burning, draining release of pain, then she rolled over on her back to stare at the ceiling.

  The only time she had experienced this much pain was when she’d broken off the relationship with Ben before. Pain came and went in life, but this was excruciating, the tearing of one soul from another. It didn’t feel any better this time.

  It seemed her dream was doomed never to come true.

  And yet, she couldn’t say that she hadn’t known the possibility for her and Ben to be together was slight. He had an ill daughter who needed her family. Carolyn might have been instrumental in helping them find a happy resolution, but the cure was long and difficult. Lucy would be in the hospital for four weeks just from this treatment. The little girl needed her very own tight circle of love protecting her.

  Carolyn did not fit into that circle. She couldn’t even visit Lucy now that she’d had the bone marrow transplant for fear of infection.

  But oh, how wonderful the dream had felt while it lasted.

  * * *

  BY THE TIME a week had passed, reality set in. Carolyn hadn’t expected to hear from Ben again, but she couldn’t stop herself from listening for her phone to ring, hoping it would be him. The roses he’d given her wilted and turned brown, so she finally surrendered them to the trash. The sexy hot-pink evening gown she took to a charity resale shop. It was too difficult to look at the dress and not remember the most wonderful evening of her life.

  She went back to work with a fervor, clocking in early and working late.

  Lily returned from her honeymoon, delighted that everything in the office had run like silk. “You’re amazing,” she told Carolyn.

  “That’s what I tell her,” Dylan agreed, tossing a stack of papers onto the desk. “It’s like having two office assistants for the price of one.”

  Flush with happiness, Lily said, “I’m almost thinking you work too hard, Carolyn. Shouldn’t you be getting out more, having a life of your own?”

  “I’m happy. And I charge Finders Keepers for the overtime.”

  Dylan shrugged. “It’s worth it. Your work on the baby files led to a number of inquiries. Too bad the journal never turned up.”

  “I doubt anyone will ever see that journal again.” Mrs. Benton had been prepared to protect her husband’s reputation at all costs.

  “Well, the article in the San Antonio Express-News about the agency’s work on the case has been a draw,” Dylan said. “Not to mention that the drive for marrow donors has been successful. The agency’s ad brought us other inquiries we might never have gotten if we hadn’t put it out there. You’ve created your own workload, Carolyn.”

  She stood. “That’s fine. I want to stay busy.” Slipping her purse over her shoulder, she prepared to leave. “If there’s nothing else you need from me tonight, I think I’ll go.”

  Lily nodded. “See you tomorrow.”

  Dylan watched as Carolyn walked out the door, her red suit crisply professional, her expression fixed pleasantly on her face.

  “She’s not herself,” he observed.

  “I agree.” Lily looked at her twin. “She’s turned into Robo-Assistant.”

  Dylan raised a brow. “I’m sure there’s some advantages to having a robot in the office, but right now, I’d like the old Carolyn back.”

  “I don’t know how we can help.”

  “Carolyn did tell me that Ben’s ex-wife will be staying around so their daughter will feel secure while she recovers. I guess that means whatever was flaring up between Ben and Carolyn has come to an end.”

  “Poor Carolyn,” Lily said.

  “I warned her about getting romantically involved with a case.”

  Lily eyed him with a raised eyebrow. “If I’d followed that policy, brother dear, I wouldn’t be the new and deliriously happy Mrs. Cole Bishop. Besides, are you taking your own advice when it comes to personal involvement in a case?”

  Dylan shifted under her gaze.

  “How is the hunt for Julie going?” she asked, her voice knowing.

  Dylan blinked.

  “Just trying to keep you humble,” she teased.

  “Thanks for your overwhelming siste
rly concern.”

  But she had a point.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  TWO WEEKS LATER, Ben was sick and tired of staying in a hotel. But he was determined that while his daughter was in the hospital, he would remain close to her. After all, Marissa was in his house, so the felines and canines were cared for.

  He wasn’t about to give in to the emotional warfare he felt she’d waged on Carolyn. Not that he didn’t understand how Marissa felt. But the two of them were not going to live under the same roof again—ever. Especially not while Lucy was in the hospital. There was simply no reason for him to stay in the house—not when he couldn’t stop thinking about the heartache in Carolyn’s eyes when they’d said goodbye.

  It wasn’t that he was angry with Marissa. He just didn’t want to revive that part of his life again. He’d found happiness, and it wasn’t with his ex-wife.

  The thing was, he knew she was no happier than he was. Marissa in domestic mode was a terrible thing to witness. She despised it. There was nothing glamorous about keeping a house clean, nothing attention grabbing about grocery shopping. Without a job in which she was the star, she was withering like a plant starved of sunlight.

  She loved Lucy, he knew that. But Marissa wasn’t cut out for domestic life. He’d always known that. It was painful watching her try to tie herself to something she didn’t naturally enjoy.

  Carolyn was much more the type to enjoy hearth and home.

  He wouldn’t allow himself to think about Carolyn, though. There were only so many times a man could lose the woman he loved before his heart just dried up. If he’d learned anything in Africa, it was that he was damned lucky. Life held many strange twists, most of which were beyond human control.

  It was better to understand one’s blessings, and one’s limits. He wouldn’t let himself think about Carolyn.

  Often.

  * * *

  CAROLYN WAS EATING at Perk at the Park with a new client, a man named Firth Dunlap, whose case Finders Keepers was tentatively exploring. Dylan was at the library, but he was expected anytime. In the meantime, she was supposed to get preliminary details from Mr. Dunlap.

  The problem was, the coffee bar was a place she associated with Ben. She felt uneasy, assailed by memories. It was hard to keep her concentration on the client.

  A moment later, Marissa and Ben walked over to a table, and Carolyn’s stomach felt as if it dropped. They saw her the moment she saw them, so they had no choice but to exchange pleasantries.

  Carolyn could feel Ben’s gaze on her, as well as Marissa’s. Her skin tingled. “Mr. Dunlap, this is Ben Mulholland and, and—“ She drew a blank. Did Marissa still go by Mulholland? She didn’t know. It didn’t sound right. Glancing up at Ben, she held his gaze. “And Marissa,” she finished on a rush, hoping no one would notice her faux pas.

  Firth Dunlap smiled. An older man, he was comfortable in his own skin. “You have a beautiful wife,” he told Ben.

  Ben said nothing, his gaze on Carolyn.

  She felt ill. Never had she wanted to escape from a place so badly. Marissa and Ben moved back to their table, and she went back to listening to Mr. Dunlap, but her focus was shot. It was all she could do not to glance over her shoulder and see where Marissa and Ben were seated, how close they were, whether they engaged in easy conversation.

  Does Ben ever glance at me?

  To turn around and look would expose her vulnerability. She wasn’t about to give Marissa that satisfaction. She must carry on as if whatever had existed between Ben and herself had never been.

  * * *

  BEN THOUGHT he was going to go mad watching the woman he loved have lunch with a tall, distinguished older man. Carolyn had been through a lot in her life. She deserved someone who would take care of her, support her emotionally. He understood that.

  But he wanted to be that man.

  Yet, he had mainly taken from her. If he thought it through rationally, he had come to her with a request. She had more than fulfilled it. Not only had she found his brother, she’d also found his daughter a donor.

  It wasn’t as if he’d given her a lot in return. He’d leaned too much on Carolyn, when she had enough of her own pain.

  Why hadn’t he told her how much he loved her?

  Firth Dunlap laughed at something Carolyn said, and Ben bowed his head. If she’d found a man whom she could lean on, who had strength to give her, then he, Ben, would be happy for her.

  He would make himself.

  * * *

  “YOU NEVER STOPPED staring at her,” Marissa said after they’d left Perk at the Park. “I know you love her, Ben, but…I’m scared. I remember that you said you were running from a love gone wrong when you met me. And I can’t help wondering if I ever had your heart at all. Or if it was Carolyn all along.”

  He shook his head. “Marissa, you occupy a very special part of my life. Carolyn was my first love. I didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t realize I was staring at her. I apologize.”

  “It’s not that I’m angry,” Marissa said softly. “Or jealous. I understand that we’ll never be a family again. I guess I just want to know that I have someplace in your life. Somewhere for me, when…you know.” She smiled, but it was uncertain. “When my looks fade, when my body goes. You knew me when, so to speak.”

  He stared at her. “Marissa, you’re a successful model. Why would you need me for a security blanket? There must be many men out there who would jump at the chance to date you.”

  “Yes, but I have a child with you. There’s something about you, Ben. I’ve never experienced that feeling of security with anyone else I’ve met. And though I realize that marriage is more than a security blanket, I always thought you and I would have something that was just ours.”

  “You mean, you thought you’d come back to me after the camera didn’t love you anymore?” he asked incredulously.

  “It’s not as selfish as it sounds, Ben. There’s something about you that loves a woman in spite of her faults, in spite of her imperfections. I always feel beautiful with you.”

  “Are you here because of Lucy, or because of your career?”

  “I told you I’m between jobs,” she said carefully.

  He nodded. Yes, she’d told him, but he hadn’t thought it was permanent. It sounded as if Marissa believed her career as a model was finished. “Marissa, you were never happy being a housemom from what I remember.”

  “It’s hard to be happy when there’s no one to take care of. I think it will get better when Lucy comes home. Will you come back then?” she asked, her voice somehow desperate.

  “I don’t know. We are divorced, and…I really hadn’t thought that far ahead. Mainly, I just think about getting Lucy well.”

  Marissa sighed, her delicate lips turned downward. “I knew that when I saw how you couldn’t take your eyes off Carolyn. Whatever it is that you feel for her, it’s different from anything you ever felt for me.”

  “You’re special to me, Marissa. You’re the mother of my child, and that will always be important to me. But I’m a teacher and a rancher. I’m not cut out for bright lights and big glitzy cities. When Lucy’s better, I’ll go back to teaching. I want to show her how to barrel race when she gets well enough.”

  She shuddered. “I’m not much for horses.”

  He grinned at her. “Marissa, I know. You’re not much for country living, being a housewife, or PTA meetings. Why is that a bad thing?”

  “I don’t know. I want to be a normal mother for my child!” Tears gathered at the edges of her mascaraed eyelashes.

  He put his hand over hers. “Marissa, why? Lucy will be just as proud of you if you model or act or whatever, and she gets to come out and visit you in California or Paris or New York. I knew you weren’t cut out for country life when
we met in Belize. But I don’t look back on that time with regret. We made Lucy, and that’s the best part of my life.”

  She wiped her eyes and smiled at him. “Thank you, Ben.”

  He kissed her hand over the table. “It’s true. Lucy is everything a man could ever want in his child.”

  “You’ll have others. You’ll say that about every one.”

  “Actually, no, I won’t,” he said, thinking about Carolyn. “Unless something really unforeseen happens, Lucy will be my only child. And that’s plenty good enough for me.”

  * * *

  “I MISS YOU,” Carolyn told Christine over the phone. “You should come stay with me over Christmas.”

  “I can’t. I think I’ll go see Mom and Dad for Christmas.”

  “Eek. Christmas in Florida in a seniors condo with remote parents. Did they ask you this year?”

  “No. I’ve decided I don’t require an invitation to crash on their Christmas. I didn’t have an invite to crash on you, and it worked out just fine.”

  Carolyn blinked. “It won’t be very merry, Christine.” Yet, she was thinking Christine was smart. It was best to work through old hurts and pains. She’d call her folks herself—if she still felt she was losing her stuffing. Fortunately, she was feeling stronger than ever—except for losing Ben. “Maybe I should go see them, too.”

  “Nah. They’ll just feel ganged up on.”

  “Safety in numbers.”

  Christine laughed. “Ever since I stayed with you, I’ve been feeling quite safe. My head’s on straight now. By the way, some wacko lady called the talk show the other day and started babbling about sisters and family bonds, and then she said your name. Do you know who it could have been?”

  “I’m not sure,” Carolyn said, frowning as she wondered if Mrs. Benton might have gotten it into her head to call Christine’s show. “Did she say anything else?”

  “No. I was doing a show on reunited families, and she got through the screeners, and then started rambling. She was real upset.”