Death Dwellers Motorcycle Club:: Fifteen Bad Boy Biker Books

by Kathryn C. Kelly

“I like sex. Too much sometimes. I want you but if you walk away from me, don’t bitch and complain when you hear I’m fucking other bitches.”

  “Pig,” she flared, his words conjuring up painful images of walking in on him and finding him with that girl. On another occasion, she’d visited him to see why he hadn’t visited Ryan like he’d promised, and a girl was leaving his room, having just gotten through sucking his dick. “I don’t care—”

  “Think real hard, Zoann,” he reiterated in an unyielding voice. “Think about yourself with another man. Think about me with another girl. How you felt when you thought I’d married another bitch.”

  “You’re an asshole,” she got out, hating him for the pressure he was putting on her. Especially now. But, God, why not now? As much as she wanted to take her words of love back due to major assiness on his part, she couldn’t. He’d said he loved her, too. She remembered it. His words—and Ryan’s cry—had brought her back. Now, she needed to make him listen, explain a few things to him. Open up and leave herself so very vulnerable. “I can’t take oral sex.”

  “Already figured that shit out. I want to know why the fuck not?”

  “I-I was raped,” she whispered, wishing her voice didn’t crack. It had been ten years and she’d moved on as best she could. “When I was seventeen. You probably don’t remember the day I went to the club to read Christopher my speech—”

  He studied her, his gaze soft and gentle, combing his fingers through her limp hair. “The day is one I’ll never forget. You were like an innocent, little angel, tempting me stupid. I’ve relieved that day a few times over the years.”

  “You brought me to Granddaddy’s and…and he was there.”

  “Shhh, we can talk about this when you’re stronger. This isn’t the time.”

  “Matthew, don’t you see? You didn’t force me like Cee Cee but did it in your own way by marrying me while I was sedated. You forced me as much as he did.”

  “Jesus H. Christ,” he choked out, his shoulders sagging in defeat. “I was right.”

  His horrified look alarmed her. “Right about what? Who? Cee Cee? “Do you know him?”

  “No. I just…God, Zoann, why’d you come to my bed?”

  “I was scared for Christopher and lonely,” she admitted softly, worn out from all the turmoil. “And tired of hurting. I trusted you, too.”

  “Puff—”

  “I don’t like oral sex,” she reiterated. “If you’re fine with that, then I’ll give our marriage a go.”

  He caressed her brow, his gaze holding hers. “Why not? Did he hurt your mouth or something? I-I guess I’m not making the connection—”

  “What about being forced to do something you don’t want to do?” she asked with irritation.

  “You said you were raped.”

  “Are you fucking serious?” She wished she had an old metal bedpan to crack him over his thick skull. “I was and that was part of it, asshole. He used his tongue on me and made me come, then beat the shit out of me because I did.”

  Sucking in a breath, Matthew’s eyes widened, then narrowed, an angry light consuming them.

  “I can’t do oral sex,” she repeated crisply, averting her gaze.

  “Babe—” He scratched his head. “The time I licked your pussy and you came, did I beat the shit out of you after?”

  “I’m through talking about this,” Zoann decreed, cringing inside at the memory.

  “I’m not fucking through talking about it,” he bit out. “The reason your pussy is eaten is to make you feel good, Puff.”

  She raised her chin, daring him to comment on her tears. “He hurt me.”

  “But I haven’t and I never will,” he began, before snapping his mouth shut.

  They both knew different. He’d gone with another girl and rejected her and left her alone to have their baby. “You always have to be in control,” she told him, hoping he understood. Where was the nurse? Walking up and down would’ve been less tiring than this emotional conversation. “I don’t need you acting like a fucking Cro-Magnon all the time. I need a chance to control—”

  “No one controls me, Zoann,” he interrupted. “I’m the fucking man in this relationship. I’m supposed to be in control.”

  “Do you want to be married to me?” she snapped. “Because it doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like you have a pissing contest with the fucking world and you forget I don’t have a fucking dick to compete against you. Either we stand as equals or we don’t stand together at all.”

  “I’m leaving for now,” he said, not addressing her words. He twisted his ring, surprising her when he didn’t remove it. He turned on his heel. “Later.”

  Torn with so many emotions, Zoann sank back against the pillows, wondering what kind of idiot she had to be to remain married to Matthew when he’d proven time and time again, he was no good for her.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  “Are you going to talk to me?” Kendall asked in a small voice from where she lay beside Johnnie in bed.

  He glared at the sunlight streaming through the window. He hadn’t spoken to Kendall since they’d left the hospital yesterday. After discovering she’d interfered, yet again, in business that had fuck all to do with her.

  “Johnnie—”

  He transferred his glare to her. “You want me to talk? Okay. I’ll start by asking what the fuck’s wrong with you?”

  “I-I…”

  “Without provocation you step forward with your unsolicited opinions and put down my brothers with your bullshit. Why, Kendall?”

  “I’m not one of the brothers, Johnnie, but I am one of the old ladies. Which means I’m loyal to them over the brothers, which is opposite of how you feel, so if you can’t tell your brothers what need to be said, I can.”

  “You’d best learn not to,” he snarled. “Remarks like you’ve been spewing around lately are unwanted.”

  “Not by my girlfriends,” she insisted adamantly.

  Johnnie gritted his teeth. She was being loyal to women she’d formerly seen as rivals. Woopty doo. She was a woman and women changed their fucking minds all the time. Besides, he’d wanted her to be accepted by the other girls. But her accepting them, didn’t fucking mean fucking with his brothers. Jesus. Why did she make this so fucking hard?

  “We don’t interfere in each other’s personal affairs.”

  Kendall shot to a sitting position, yanking the covers over her bare breasts, but still allowing Johnnie a view of her back and part of her ass. Seeing her beautiful body and knowing she was pregnant for him again didn’t help his morning dick stand.

  “…and that’s the truth!”

  Fuck. He hadn’t been listening to her.

  “And that’s the other problem. Maybe, if there was a little more participation—“

  “No, Kendall. Entertaining is group fucking participation. Sitting out in the main fucking room is group participation. Personal shit is not group participation,” he finished through clenched teeth. “Do you fucking understand me?”

  She sunk her nails into his thigh and he yelped, just containing his reflex reaction to knee the fuck out of her. He’d never put his hands on her, but, usually, when she did something to him, he saw it coming. This time he didn’t and unexpected violence against his person usually stirred his dangerous rage.

  “Enough!”

  “Don’t yell at me!” She scrambled out of bed, losing the sheet, but quickly using his shirt to cover herself. “Everyone’s always saying how Meggie tells Outlaw everything. That’s personal, too, numb cock.”

  Glancing at his hard dick and lifting a brow, Johnnie smirked at her, unable to stop his snicker. Unbelievable. The little bitch had insulted his premiere body part. He wanted to take her into his arms and laugh this away. But helping Bailey to file divorce papers against Mort went too fucking far. No matter how good Kendall’s intentions were.

  “Whatever,” he said, shoving back his laughter and pretending to brush off her humorous insult. “I want y
ou to listen and listen well. Your poor me I’ve been wronged so I’m making the world pay ends now.”

  “How dare you! I’ve been—”

  “Shut the fuck up,” he roared, at wit’s end. Mortician was like a brother to him. He’d already allowed her to almost come between him and Christopher. Johnnie got her exploratory quest to find herself and learn the basic rules of friendship and interacting with people who cared about her. However, his life encompassed many different and valuable relationships. She was the most important person, his most important relationship. Either she straightened out or he’d ban her from the fucking club. “No one gives a fuck anymore about the reasons for your attitude.”

  “Of course not,” she retorted, folding her arms and lifting her chin. “They’re all a heartless bunch of sewer scum—”

  “No, Kendall! No! We’ve all had to deal with some kind of devastating bullshit. Four of us have been shot and the only difference between you, Megs and Zoann is you saw your mom take her own life. Fuck! I get that. We get that. Heartache and heartbreak has touched us all. We’ve all lost someone we love. You know what the difference is, sweetheart?”

  She’d lost her defiant pose and shook her head. “Wh-what?”

  “We’ve accepted it and moved on.”

  Angry tears bloomed in her brown eyes. “I’m trying, Johnnie. I am!”

  It was too fucking early in the day to deal with this, but he understood her need to get things out in the open immediately. “I know you’ve been trying. You’re just going about it the wrong way.”

  “I know of no other way.”

  The sound of her misery cut through him and he hated to see her so tortured. She was stuck in a rut, however. Before her assault and her mother’s and sister’s suicides, she’d spent years on her own and feeling unloved. Now, she knew of no other way to feel nor did she know how to get what she wanted without twisting shit to fit any situation. “I’m sending you on a healing retreat.”

  It was actually a mental and emotional health resort that he’d been considering for a few days. Perhaps, this was the wrong tact, but what was the right one? Her outpatient counseling was going painfully slow. He felt like an impatient motherfucker, but, in the last week, Kendall had hurt the fuck out of Megs going on about the pregnancy, gotten into a fight with Zoann, insulted Val, and interfered with Mort’s and Bailey’s relationship. It had to fucking stop.

  “It’ll be for two weeks and it’ll aid in your outpatient counseling. You’ll get private counseling, but you’ll also have workshops, outdoor activities, group sessions, if you choose to participate, and pampering.”

  He had to stand firm against the panic in her eyes. He didn’t want to have to exclude her from any part of his life, but especially his club life. Fuck, worrying about Christopher, Val, or Mort shaking the shit out of her. Johnnie didn’t trust Zoann not to knock Kendall into a coma. She was related to him and Christopher, after all. Yet, seeing her and knowing what she’d been through, watching her still have the ability to laugh and love and function, snapped Johnnie out of his fog with Kendall. Although they were two different women with such different upbringings, Kendall had it in her to get her life together, too.

  “I’ve made some calls,” he went on, sitting up and glancing away from her wobbling chin and trembling lips. “You’ll leave—”

  “I won’t go!”

  Barring her from the club was the next alternative and she’d make his life miserable. Though he made no secret he’d never patch out again, she knew how to get to him and he’d end up only visiting the club for church, not to socialize and spend time with his brothers. He’d have to play hardball with her. Just considering the words made bile fuck up his gut. His ultimatum might backfire and she’d walk away from him.

  “You’re not going?” he asked in a hard voice.

  “No, I’m not and you can’t—”

  “Then we’re done.”

  Her mouth snapped shut and the shock on her face gave him pause. Everyone she’d ever loved had abandoned her in one way or another. Jesus, he couldn’t do this to her. He’d always sworn to her he would never turn his back on her. And he wasn’t. Was he? He was looking for a way to help her. Get her to realize she’d made so many strides, but needed a few more to reach the finish line.

  “Kendall—” The betrayal in her eyes cut through him. Perhaps, he would set her back rather than help her.

  “I-I thought you loved me,” she choked out.

  “I do.” He gave himself a firm shake. He couldn’t give in to her. He just couldn’t. In the long run, it would end them. She was responding to others how everyone had responded to her. With the exception of assfuck, motherfucking Spoon, before he’d shown his true colors to her. “I love you so very much. More than I can say. But I can’t keep defending you against your own bad judgment. Especially where Megan is concerned.” He might as well put that out there, too. On a good day, she’d know he wasn’t defending Megs. On a bad one? All hell broke loose. “Acting on your bad judgment could end with my death or Christopher’s,” he added.

  “But—”

  “No buts, Kendall. I love you with all my heart. Believe that. But it’s time you faced your demons head-on and once-and-for all. I want you to be loved and respected by my MC family as well as my blood family. You’re worth it. You deserve it. Not only because you’re my old lady.”

  She let out a pitiful sob. “I’m just trying to help.”

  He got out of bed, his dick bobbing, badly needing a piss. Or a fuck. Both would be fucking great. He pulled Kendall into his arms and tangled his hands in her hair, her tears wetting his shoulders. “I want you to shine. But if Outlaw offs me because I’m defending you, where would that leave you?” He kissed her ear and nosed her hair. “My club brothers and I have a strong bond. Even if Christopher killed me, he’d hold it against you and that wouldn’t bode well for you. You’d be at risk with the others, too.”

  Kendall shuddered against him and she threw her arms around him. Johnnie didn’t doubt that Christopher sometimes jerked off to thoughts of murdering Kendall with his bare hands because he held her responsible for Megs losing their baby. Kendall had to know if Christopher lost it enough to harm Johnnie, she’d be next.

  She pulled away from him, her nose red and her eyes swollen from the hard crying she’d been doing. She caressed his jaw. “What do you want me to do?”

  “I want you to get better. All better. Better where you wouldn’t need to cling to me.” Because he really wasn’t going anywhere. But no one else had been able to get through to her. His patience hadn’t helped her. For safety reasons and plain damn sanity, he needed to push her out of her comfort zone. “I want you to get your confidence back.”

  He could see her fear and uncertainty. It was all there, raw and real, open for him to see.

  “You’ve made great strides, baby, but now you just have to reach the finish line. If you need more than a couple weeks, that’s fine too.” He had to backtrack now. Tell her the truth, even if he had to let his threat of leaving hover between them. Although, in retrospect, all he needed to hit her with was the very real possibility of violence between him and Christopher and Johnnie losing. Christopher disliked Kendall as much as he loved Megan.

  Enough said.

  “I’ll be here for however long it takes. I love you, gorgeous.” He intended to have flowers delivered to her every day she was away, just to let her know how much he loved her. He’d take care of it all at once. That way, when they started piling up fucking bodies because of Zoann, he wouldn’t have to pause and become a romantic motherfucker. “You have to make a sincere effort to win this battle.”

  “I-I’m pregnant.”

  He smiled and wrapped his arms around her, soaking in her soft, warm body. “I know. And I love our child.” They’d never refer to it as Baby Biker. Their first, lost child had had that distinction and it would be a travesty to give that name to this child. “I want you to be able to be a mother to it, without ha
ving to fight inner conflicts. I want it all, Kendall. I want my club family and my blood family. And God knows I want you. You already know how I feel about the club and my family. I’ll never leave again. That’s not to say I won’t compromise up to a point.”

  She sniffled and studied him.

  “I can build your own house to your specifications. Whatever you want.”

  “I’m just supposed to believe your time at the club is—” She wiggled her fingers in air quotes— “business and or bonding with your so called brothers? Why would I do that?”

  “Yes. And because I fucking said so, Kendall. I know you have trust issues, but we have to start somewhere.”

  “I-I would rather stay here with you and do it my way, not yours.”

  He’d prefer that too, but it wasn’t fucking working. “It’s my way or the highway and it isn’t subject to negotiation.” He gave himself a mental ass kicking at the rapid blinking of her lids to clear away her tears. Time for a little backtracking and reiterating. “You have no idea how much I love you and want you. But I’ve overcome a lot of harsh shit in my life.”

  “I don’t want to go.”

  Stubborn wench. Fuck, she made shit hard. She saw the chink in his armor because of the fast tears rolling down her cheeks. He threw aside that rusty shit and suited up in fucking steel. “I can overcome my love for you,” he said coolly.

  Her hands flew to her mouth. “You’re heartless,” she cried around her fingers.

  “No, gorgeous. Reasonable. I know beyond reasonable doubt you can overcome this. Otherwise, I wouldn’t suggest any of this to you. So what’ll it be? The ball is in your court, sweetheart. I’ll always be here for the baby, regardless of your decision.”

  She sobbed into her hands and Johnnie balled his fists at his sides to keep from taking her in his arms and telling her she could handle this however she pleased. He’d tell her he’d eat ten of Christopher’s bullets to take her current misery away. Getting to that day when Christopher had enough of her was annoying the fuck out of Johnnie.

  “I-I don’t want to lose you, Johnnie, and I do want to be whole again.” She swiped the tears from her cheeks and inhaled deeply. “I-I’ll go.”