Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  The woman didn’t move, simply stood there, a dark presence that Emily felt up the entire length of her back. The debilitating fright that was so common in the nightmares began to take over. Emily rubbed her eyes, hoping it would disappear but the woman continued to stand there.

  Suddenly the woman reached out and grabbed her shoulder. Her fingers felt like knives digging into her skin and the heat from her grasp burnt through the thin cotton shirt. Emily sucked in her breath and tried to move. But like in her nightmares, she was rooted to the spot. She still couldn’t see the woman’s face, it was obscured by her hair and the shadows in the room. Emily felt the lady's breath on her ear as the woman hissed in an almost reptilian voice, “You didn't listen Emily. I told you I'd be watching. Now you'll have to pay.”

  What the hell? This was freaking nuts! Emily lunged for the door and wrenched it open. She looked behind her into the bathroom and saw that it was empty. She had knocked over her book bag, spilling out its contents. Emily sat on the floor, trying to slow her rapid heart beat by taking deep breaths. She tried to remember all of those relaxation techniques she had learned in one of the many support groups she had been in at school.

  “What the hell?” Emily asked herself again. Even though the vision was gone, she still felt like she was being watched and that familiar twinge of paranoia took root in her stomach, unfurling it’s long tentacles as it took hold of her. She couldn’t go to work, couldn’t go down that elevator into the dark. Emily shivered at the thought. But she knew Kurt had had about enough of her flakiness. Emily also knew that if she bailed this evening, there was a good chance she would lose her job and she couldn’t afford for that to happen.

  Emily straightened herself up and stood against the wall, using it’s solidity for strength. What was she going to do? She had accepted awhile ago that she was cracking up. No lucid person was engaged in a romantic relationship with someone that existed entirely in their head. She discretely went to the employee computer and typed in her password. Looking behind her to make sure she was entirely alone, she typed ‘schizophrenia-symptoms’ into the search engine.

  She pulled up the website for the American Mental Health Society and her heart plunged as she read line after line of symptoms, each one seemed to fit her experiences to a tee.

  Social withdrawal. Check. Suspiciousness. Check. Depression and insomnia. Check. Unable to concentrate, delusions of persecution, hallucinations, unpredictable emotional responses. Check, check, check and check.

  Emily put her face in her hands and continued her deep breathing. Seeing this confirmation was overwhelming. She knew there was something wrong with her. While she was devestated, at the same time she was extremely hesitant to get help. What if they put her on medication that caused her to never see Tavin again? She didn’t know how long she could maintain this, hold it together, yet the thought of losing the only thing that provided her with any happiness depressed her even more. Emily didn’t know what her next step was. Right now, she just had to get through the next six hours.

  ********************

  Emily's first two tours had gone without a hitch. While the first decent down into the caverns was difficult, the first time it had ever felt that way, she made it through. The oppressive weight of the earth felt like it would crush her, but she took deep breaths and held it together the best she could. With the amount of deep breathing she was doing tonight, she was surprised she didn't hyperventilate and pass out.

  Her groups were great, she scored some major tips. She went through the motions, which didn’t allow for any thinking and that suited her just fine. Emily had just come back up to the gift shop and slipped her coat on to get some fresh air when she heard her name being called. She looked over her shoulder and saw Sasha standing there. There was an awkwardness that had never been present before and Emily felt guilty for putting a strain on their friendship.

  Emily jerked her thumb to indicate the door and walked outside. Sasha followed her, hands thrust deep in her jacket pockets. Sasha looked at the ground, not making eye contact. Emily sat down on the bench around the side of the building and stretched her legs out in front of her.

  “Sit down, Sash. You standing like that makes me nervous.” Emily patted the bench beside her. Sasha didn’t move. She ignored Emily, continuing to stare at her feet. “Well, what did you come out here for Sasha? You’re obviously not happy with me, and I understand that. Talk to me. You’ve never had a problem voicing your feelings before.” Emily felt her patience slipping. Her nerves were frayed and she just wanted Sasha to get to the point.

  “Emily. I don’t even know what to say to you. You’re scaring me. I mean really scaring me.” Emily was surprised to hear the trembling in Sasha's voice. She acted as if she didn't even want to look at her. “Scaring you huh? Well that's unfortunate.” Emily said without feeling.

  “God Em. Don’t you see what a zombie you’ve become? It’s like you are constantly checked out. You’re not even there any more! I don’t know what’s going on with you but you’re really worrying me! You never talk to anyone, not even me. You ignore my phone calls. You sleep ALL the time. You seem like you’re feeling better, but you also seem a hell of a lot crazier.” Sasha’s voice rose as she became more upset. Emily just looked at her friend. Not really sure what she should say. Yeah, Sasha was right, but she was tired of excusing her behavior. So instead of saying anything, she just sat there.

  “See! This is what I’m talking about! Are you even listening to me?” Sasha practically screamed at her. Emily became aware that Ava had come outside and was looking at the two of them questioningly. Emily gave her a smile and waved her away. This was quickly becoming a scene, she had to stop this right now.

  “Enough Sasha. I get what you’re saying. But it’s really not cool for you to do this while I’m at work. Do you want me to get fired?” Sasha looked contrite. “Well if you’d answer my calls once in a while, I wouldn’t have been forced to stalk you at work.” Sasha said defensively. Emily turned to face Sasha, her irritation very obvious. “I’m going through some stuff right now, stuff I don’t feel completely comfortable sharing with you, okay?” Emily stood up and made to move away from her friend. Sasha looked as if Emily had punched her in the gut. “What do you mean you can’t tell me? We tell each other everything. If something is bothering you Emily, I’m here for you, you know that.” Sasha seemed as if she were dangerously close to tears.

  Emily shrugged. She felt bad for making Sasha feel that way. But at the same time she didn't exactly have the emotional energy to expend. “Look, I do not share everything with you and I would really appreciate it if you would back off. I can’t deal with your issues and my issues at the same time. Yeah, that may sound bitchy, but it’s the way it is.” Emily turned her back and started to walk back inside. Why did it feel like she was breaking up with her best friend?

  Sasha was quiet for awhile, and when she spoke again, her voice was cold and measured. “Well, if that’s how you feel, I'm sorry I wasted your time. I won’t bother you about it again. But don’t expect me to stick around and watch you go down some sad and pathetic Courtney Love self-destructive path. You may be a glutton for punishment but I'm sure as hell not.” Sasha spun on her heal and practically ran to her car.

  Watching Sasha leave, Emily was suddenly very aware of what she had just done. She had successfully pushed away the one person who she could always depend on. She had pushed Jeremy away and now Sash. She was making more of a mess out of her already messy life. Wow, what a winner she was. Feeling like a complete ass, Emily went back into the gift shop and closed the door to the cold.

  Emily looked at the clock. Two hours until her shift was over, then she could go home and be with Tavin again. The doubts she had felt about him were becoming less and less important in the face of every other crappy thing in her life. She had just effectively cut Sasha out of her life. Despite the nagging concerns she felt about Tavin, she couldn't bear to lose him as well.

  Cha
pter 27

  “Emily. You’re next tour is ready.” Kurt motioned for her to get her butt in gear and put her tour guide face on. Shaking off the ugly scene with Sasha, Emily plastered on a smile. Ava tossed her the maroon blazer and gave her a thumbs up. Emily rolled her eyes and made her way to the large group of tourists milling in and out of the aisles of knick knacks. “If I could have your attention, I need everyone to make their way to the elevator. We’ll need to separate the group into several smaller groups to go down into the caverns. This elevator was installed twenty years ago. Before then visitors would have to take the stair case to my right down twelve flights into the rock below. It was okay going down, but the coming up was a pain.” The group laughed politely at the scripted joke.

  Emily took the first group down in the cavern. They twittered nervously as the old elevator made it’s slow decent into the earthen hole below. Emily did this three times. The group was pretty large and it took twenty minutes to get everyone together to begin the tour. While she was taking the last part of the group down in the elevator her arm brushed someone standing beside her. The shock that it gave her made her start in alarm. She looked over and a boy, not much older than she was stood making small talk with an elderly woman to his left.

  There was something about him that was familiar, but Emily couldn’t put her finger on what. He must have realized she was staring at him because he turned to meet her gaze and she was shocked again. His eyes were blue, startling blue. She knew those eyes. She had only ever seen one other pair of eyes like that. But that was impossible. She must be mistaken. Maybe that color of impossible blue wasn’t as unique as she had originally thought. Emily’s heart beat ramped up and her palms started to sweat. The boy smiled a sweet smile at her, making Emily turn away before she made an absolute fool of herself.

  The ride down seemed to take forever. The elevator felt too small and she needed to get out of there. Once she heard the ding, indicating they had reached the ground level, Emily barely waited for the doors to start slowly opening before she pulled them apart and got out of the metal cage. She was having a hard time catching her breath.

  The men and women in her group were waiting for her to start. She leaned over the edge of one of the dipped formations and tried to stop the whirling in her head. A hand touched her shoulder, a sensation that was way too familiar. “Are you okay?” The voice was deep and low and pulled at her heart in an achingly famililar way. Emily couldn’t turn around, couldn’t look into those intoxicating blue eyes that she knew were there. Instead, she kept her back to him and made a hand gesture indicating she was fine. She heard his scuffed footsteps back slowly away. For the millionth time tonight she ran a mental check of her faculties. Was this it? Was she finally losing it for real? Here she was at the bottom of the earth and she didn’t know whether she was coming or going.

  “Ma’am. Can we get started? It’s all ready 6:15 and we were supposed to start the tour at 6:00.” A woman asked, her voice irritated. Emily gnashed her teeth and pushed down the urge to give a snarky response.

  Emily straightened her shoulders, smacked a fake smile on her face and turned around to greet them. She purposefully ignored the magnetic presence at the back of the group. She absolutely couldn’t deal with the implications of that right now.

  “I’m sorry folks. Got a little dizzy there. It happens sometimes with the drop in pressure coming down here. If I could get everyone to stand a little closer together, we’ll get started.” Her in charge persona firmly in place, she made her way through the caverns. She normally loved this place, it was always so calming for her. This time the steadiness of the rock did nothing to smooth the jangling of her nerves. This had been a bad night all around and it didn’t look to be getting any better.

  She wound through the formations, telling her crowd about the history of the rocks and how they were formed. They made appreciative ooohs and ahhs. Through it all, the boys’s aura beat against her skin like a thousand pin pricks. Emily was antsy and extremely uncomfortable.

  Those familiar eyes had been with her constantly for the past two months. It all seemed to click into place. These things that she had been blind to, or maybe had deliberately ignored because it confirmed every scary thing she thought about herself. She was crazy, she would be locked up in some mental institution, she just knew it. The complete lack of control in every aspect of her life was too much and once again she was spirling loose without a hold on anything. Emily had systematically destroyed every relationship she valued and had pinned all of her hopes and dreams on one that didn’t exist. But here she was, with her subconscious manifesting itself into a very serious hallucination. A hallucination so real, that she could swear that everyone else saw it too.

  Those eyes had been in every dream for months but had they crept into her waking world as well? She remembered the police officer, what was his name? Bekker…Officer Bekker. His eyes had been that crazy, beautiful blue. And what about the substitute teacher? Her mind struggled to remember what he looked like. All she could remember were those damn eyes.

  Emily stumbled on a rock as she walked along the narrow path. She started to fall when he grabbed her arm. His hand felt like fire and she pulled away from him. “Don’t touch me, please.” Her voice was rough, and she tried to hide how much his presence was scaring her. The boy frowned and made to touch her again. “I said, don’t touch me.” Emily quickly moved ahead, not even waiting to see if her group was behind her.

  His touch felt real, but it felt real in her dreams as well. This could not be Tavin! She shouted internally. This boy had a head of blonde curls. He had a long face and was extremely tall. She had to tilt her head to look up at him. He was as different from the Tavin of her dreams as night and day…yet….there were the eyes. The saying is that eyes are the windows to the soul. She had become closely aquainted with those eyes and she knew, deep down that she wasn’t mistaking the familiarity she saw there.

  Emily came up abruptly at the next stop on the tour. The bacon formations were one of the most popular stops. The rock had molded over time to look exactly like two thin pieces of pork. She heard the buzz of conversation as everyone took in the peculiar sight. Emily gave them a few moments to take it in and she needed a few moments herself to try and get it together. Once everyone was looking at her again she launched into the description of the rock and how it came to form this way. “Bacon formations are formed when mineral laden water drips from the ceiling on a thin blade of rock…” She barely heard her voice as she kicked into auto pilot. In reality, her mind had checked out, going to that safe place where she could deal with her psychological overload.

  She couldn’t stop the tingly sensation that had spread over her entire body. She could feel his eyes on her. She knew he was looking at her. Was she making this up? Was he really there? Nothing made sense and her entire world was topsy turvey. “Ma’am…Ma’am. Hello?” An older man stood directly in front of her, waving his hand in her face. Emily blinked several times and tried to focus on him. How long had he been trying to get her attention?

  “I’m sorry, yes?” “What are those things right there?” The man indicated the ceiling where several spiky rocks shot down from the rock above. She could have smacked herself. She was forgetting huge chunks of her tour. She hadn’t even touched on the other formations in the room. There went her tips for the night. “Yes, that’s the next part of the tour actually. Those are Andthodites. That particular grouping is called the sea urchin. This happens when water is squeezed through rocks and creates thin strips of hardened mineral…” She was flustered and she struggled to hide it.

  She realized most of the group was looking at her oddly. Shoot. She hadn’t even finished her thought and now she was standing there like a moron. She shook her head imperceptibly. “Okay, moving on.” She started to back out of the cavernous room when she noticed that the boy was no longer with the group. Where was he? She hadn’t seen anyone wander off. She was tempted to keep walking, convinced he wasn
’t real to begin with. But that nagging voice in the back of her mind made her stop. “It appears we’re missing someone.” Emily said to the group.

  Everyone looked around at each other. They seemed confused and seemed to confirm that he had been a very vivid figment of her imagination. The elderly lady he had been chatting with in the elevator spoke up. “Oh dear, Ben is missing. Where could he have gone?” Emily could barely hide her shock. “You know him?” “Well, of course I know him, he’s been on the bus trip the entire time. Well now, where could he have wandered off to?” The woman’s words smacked her with the force of a bulldozer. So she wasn’t imagining him. He was there. She didn’t know if it made her feel better or worse.

  There was a sudden rush of panic as everyone frantically looked for their lost group member. Emily’s mind was reeling. He could really be anywhere. There were sudden drop offs everywhere, pits that easily plunged hundreds of feet into the dark earth. She suddenly felt the pressing weight of the walls around her. This was not good. Emily had to take control of this situation and she had to do it quickly. She just knew she would be fired. “Everyone calm down. We have emergency phones placed at varying points around the caverns. I need everyone to stay here, don’t try and go off and look for him. I need to walk approximately 100 feet down the corridor to get to the closest phone.” Her tone was strong and confident. A direct contrast to what she was feeling inside.

  Everyone in the group huddled together in little clumps. She was glad that they were controlling any hysteria. She felt okay with leaving them for a few minutes to get to the phone. She started walking quickly through the narrow openings in the rock. The lights at her feet began to flicker madly, causing manic shadows on the walls around her. She was barely holding on to her own composure. That boy was real. She wasn’t completely nuts. But was she imagining how similar he was to Tavin? Her instincts began to scream at her, demanding to be heard.