Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  His lips found her neck, and he sucked hard at her skin. Her hands touched his face, and she cradled his chin as he rubbed her harder and faster through her jeans. They looked into each other’s eyes, breathing heavily.

  He slid one hand up from her ass to under her shirt and rubbed her back sensuously before directing it to her front and over her bra-covered breast. Her lips found his again, and they kissed hungrily as his fingers slipped under her bra seeking out her hardened nipple.

  She could feel his erection straining to break out of his pants and pressing stiffly into her as he kept on rubbing his fingers on her from outside her jeans. Her eyes rolled back in her head as this went on and on. Suddenly, she pulled back from him, and they gazed at each other for a moment.

  He pressed his fingers into her more firmly while she bucked her hips back and forth into his lap. “Oh.”

  “You’re so sexy,” he whispered into her ear.

  “You feel so…” Her words trailed off as his hand slipped into the back of her jeans and cupped the cool, firm flesh of her buttocks. Her hand wandered down his chest to his abdomen then between his legs to his bulge.

  His eyelids slammed closed as she gripped his girth through his pants. He struggled to slide his hand further into her jeans, but they were too tight. Pulling his hand out, he brought it to her spot and pressed firmly. She panted loudly as he ran his lips down her throat. She held still for a moment before moving her hips over him, biting down on her lower lip with her body trembling.

  Their lips met again. She lifted up and brought her fingers to his erection as it snaked across his hip. She squeezed and stroked it through his pants.

  “Ah,” he called out as she rubbed it harder.

  She lifted his shirt and ran her hands over his rock-hard abs as she continued stroking him with her other hand.

  “Fuck.” He let out a guttural moan as he moved his fingers over her faster and faster.

  She squeezed him hard. He flinched in pain, and their eyes met as she stopped moving her hand over him.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “Uh-huh.”

  He brought his lips to hers and kissed her hard again. He snapped her bra open and slid his hand to her front as he roughly massaged her swollen breasts. She rose higher, bumping her head into the roof as she removed her hand from his lap. Pushing her shirt up, he sucked a nipple into his mouth, and she cried out, “Oh, God.”

  She sank back down on him, shimmying her hips. Then she rose up, stealing a glance at his bulge in the dimly lit car. He exhaled, pressing his lips to her neck as she returned her fingers to him. Gripping the head of his cock tighter, she squeezed and rubbed it through his pants.

  She moaned as he brought his other hand to the front of her and pressed it firmly on her clit. Massaging her from both the back and the front, he rubbed her faster and harder through the thick jean fabric. She ground her hips into him. Suddenly, the climax pulsated through her with wave after wave of pleasure. She halted her attention of his erection. Her flesh trembled as she leaned back and away from him, panting and gasping for breath.

  When she could finally focus again, she brought her lips to his and once again started rubbing his shaft. She squeezed him harder and jerked him faster and faster.

  His breathing grew louder until suddenly he exploded, muttering, “Ahh.” He shuddered, pressing his lips to hers once again.

  She wrapped her arms around his neck and clung to him, kissing and thrusting her hips in tiny circles over him. She placed her head on his shoulder and ran her fingers through his hair as she fought to catch her breath.

  When she finally pulled back from him, she chuckled. After carefully extracting herself from his lap, she returned to her seat.

  He ran his fingers over his face. “That was fucking hot.”

  “Yeah.” She adjusted her bra and shirt.

  “Wow,” he said, looking down at the huge wet spot in his pants.

  She followed his gaze. “Sorry.”

  “About what?”

  “I don’t know.” She pushed her hair behind her ear.

  “It was fun.” He leaned back, adjusting his pants.

  “It was.”

  He turned to look at her wide-eyed. “We should…I should get your number.”

  “Well, I, um…” she stammered.

  “I get it.” He grinned. “Wham bam thank you dude. I get it.”

  “No. It’s just that…” She turned away, shyly. “You know.”

  “What?”

  She turned to face him. “I’m not ready.”

  “For what?”

  “For anything really.” She shrugged.

  He stared ahead through the raindrops then turned to her. “I understand. How about I give you mine, and when you’re ready you can call me?”

  She gave him a smile. “That sounds good.”

  3

  The next morning about six hundred miles away, Eli and Kelly Stevens lay sleeping in their large bedroom. Half a dozen color-coordinated pillows sat on the white and blue striped chair. The alarm clock advanced to 6:45. The radio clicked on, and music began to play as the first glimmers of daylight streamed through the gaps between the shade and the window. Kelly lay on her stomach with her head facing away from her husband. Beginning to stir, he rolled toward her groggily, his short, dark brown hair mussed from sleep. He slipped his hand down her shoulder to her lower back and gently caressed the area just above her curvy rear end. She let out a soft moan as his hand wandered lazily over her creamy skin. Lifting his head off the pillow, he carefully pulled the covers down to reveal his attractive wife wearing only tiny panties that tied on each side.

  Grinning widely, he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on her shoulder. She responded with a sexy groan. He pulled up from her and his gaze traveled down her back to her waist to the bright, pink satin panties. Sighing, he studied her a moment longer, before his attention was drawn to the tie on the right side of her minuscule underwear. Taking hold of it, he tugged the string slowly until the knot popped open then he moved to the other side and did the same.

  He slipped down and kissed her lower back. Her sighing intensified. Reaching back, she grabbed his head and pulled it into her deeper, harder and…

  A piercingly irritating alarm roared to life, yanking Eli from his erotic dream. Lying on his back, the fantasy was evident at his midsection and desperately trying to escape the confines of the bedding. Reaching over, he fumbled blindly to shut off the alarm and upon the third try finally succeeded.

  Kelly began to stir with what sounded like soft moaning. Just as in his dream, she was lying on her stomach with her head turned away from him.

  With the memories flooding back, he grinned. Slowly he pulled the covers down to reveal not her almost-nude body, but instead his wife, fully covered in worn-looking flannel pajamas.

  It figures…

  Not exactly like the dream but still possibly a decent starting point. After shrugging, he lifted her shirt a bit and kissed her back. Her consenting sighs seemed to grow louder. He breathed out deeply, and his heart beat faster. He felt that familiar heat boiling up inside him as his erection painfully strained to free itself from his boxer shorts.

  He slipped his hand lower to the waistband of her pajama bottoms. He attempted to pull them down, but they would not budge.

  Not even an inch.

  She turned onto her hip, curling up in the fetal position while clutching her pillow. Reaching around her, he located the problematic tie and fumbled with the knot. She groaned once more, this time louder and maybe, just maybe, she was dying for him to continue, to take her, to please her, to make love to her.

  She swung her arm back nailing him right in the forehead with an elbow.

  “Ouch!” he cried out, rubbing his temple as he backed away from her.

  Okay, so maybe not!

  “I’m tired,” she grumbled, turning onto her back as she struggled to open her eyes.

  He sat up and exhaled shar
ply.

  “I told you never to wake me up.”

  “I thought you were up.”

  “What?” she screeched.

  “You were moaning. I thought you were having some kind of sex dream or something, like you wanted me to…”

  “Like I wanted you to what?” She rubbed her hands over her face.

  “You know.”

  “No, I don’t know.”

  “I thought you wanted me to go down on you or maybe—”

  “I wasn’t moaning, and I didn’t want that.” Wagging a finger at him, she scoffed.

  “Sorry.”

  She let out a long, slow breath then turned on her side, cradling the pillow under her arms. “Cover me back up. Please!”

  Glaring at her, he interlaced his fingers together, simulating choking the life out of her. Not that he would actually ever harm her in any way, but at that moment, it was a slightly pleasant fantasy. After pushing away those thoughts, he slipped to the floor. He leaned over the mattress and covered her up.

  Standing in the shower, Eli closed his eyes and tilted his head under the spray. He stood an inch shy of six feet and his hazel green eyes were the perfect complement to his chiseled jaw. As the water beaded down his defined shoulder and chest muscles to his trim waist, a memory came flooding over him. The memory of the night he and Kelly first had sex. About six years earlier, when he had been dating her almost three weeks, they were together in a bar. At that point, their relationship had not yet become physical. They’d made out in the car a few times, and he’d even felt up her shapely breasts on date number three. She wanted to wait at least a month before she gave herself to him, well, that was her plan anyway.

  It was a cold winter night, and it had just started to snow. They’d debated about going out that night but decided to take a chance on the weather. After a few hours at the bar, they headed outside, bundling up to fight the cold as they made their way back to his car. At that point, there were a couple of inches on the ground, and they discovered his Subaru completely covered in snow.

  When they reached the car, they jumped inside, brushed the flakes from their hair, and rubbed their frozen hands together. He started the engine, put on the heat and they turned to each other shivering and giggling. Suddenly the laughter faded away, and they stared at one another hungrily.

  With the car blanketed in snow, no one could tell what was going on inside as the two young lovers kissed in their freezing cold, private igloo. Eli, to this day, still wasn’t positive who made the first move, but a move was made all right, and the horny couple began attacking one another. With his jeans pulled down a bit and her skirt pushed up over her hips they pawed at each other like an asteroid was heading toward the earth and they had only a few minutes before impact. After reclining her seat and pushing her panties aside, he slipped quickly inside her. They gazed into each other’s eyes as they fucked. It was hot, sexy, desperate, and passionate; the best sex he’d ever had.

  Eli pulled his head from the spray and exhaled deeply. Glancing down at his erection, he shook his head contemplating whether to take care of the problem or ignore it. Choosing to let it go, he washed his hair and body then upon finding the issue still with him, he reversed his earlier decision.

  4

  When Anne slipped through the door of the nearly empty Starbucks, she discovered Melanie already sitting at a table near the back, sipping her coffee. Her friend pointed to Anne’s cup, which was already waiting for her.

  “Hey.” Anne sat and picked up her cup.

  “Sorry about last night.” Melanie blew into her coffee cup. “I got you Hazelnut.”

  “Thank you. Don’t worry about last night.”

  “The date was that bad, huh?”

  “The worst.” Anne sighed with her eyes closed. Suddenly, a bright smile spread over her face.

  Melanie studied her with suspicion. “What?”

  “Nothing.” Anne took a sip, fighting back a grin.

  “What is it?”

  “I’m sort of glad you didn’t meet me last night.”

  “Why?”

  Anne cocked her head. “I met someone.”

  “No way! Like a real guy?” Melanie’s eyes bugged out of her head. “Who? Where?”

  “At the bar. He’s real…real young.” Anne rolled her eyes. “Like embarrassingly young.”

  “How young?” Melanie asked, surprised.

  “He didn’t say exactly, I don’t think. It was a bit of a blur.” Anne shrugged. “Maybe twenty-two or twenty-three.”

  “That’s not too young.”

  “You think?” Anne added dreamily, “He was gorgeous and really sexy.”

  “How’d you meet him?”

  “He’s the bartender at Flannery’s.”

  “You little slut. So, what happened?”

  “What do you mean?” Anne narrowed her eyes.

  “I mean, you look tired.” Melanie chuckled. “Please tell me there’s a good reason for that.”

  “Well.” Pausing, the corners of Anne’s lips curled up then she continued, “I did get home late.”

  “So you went to his place, huh?”

  “No.”

  “Hotel?”

  “No,” Anne began. “I didn’t have sex with him either if that’s what you’re thinking.”

  “Oh.” Melanie frowned.

  Anne’s lips started to move, but no sound came out.

  Leaning forward, Melanie whispered, “What is it?”

  “I. We.” A guilty grin spread across Anne’s face. “I guess we went to third base in the parking lot.”

  “You blew him.” Melanie grinned. “You go girl.”

  “No, wait what is third base again?” Anne wrinkled her nose.

  “I’m not sure. I think guys know all the bases. Wait, blowjobs aren’t a base. I don’t think.”

  “They don’t have enough bases to cover all the sex acts, do they?” Anne asked.

  “No, they don’t. Like anal doesn’t have a base.” Melanie nodded.

  Anne returned a distasteful expression. “I don’t think it needs a base.”

  “Guys probably think it does.” She widened her eyes.

  “I bet,” Anne grumbled. “Maybe that’s like a grand slam.”

  “That’s a good way to describe it.” Melanie giggled. “Wait, what did you do with this guy?”

  “We touched each other through our clothes.” Anne exhaled. “Like a lot.”

  “How was it?” Melanie sipped from her cup.

  “It was like the”—Anne shook her head, shuddering—“the biggest O I’ve had like since ever.”

  “And you returned the favor?”

  “I did,” Anne replied, one eyebrow raised.

  “And he enjoyed himself too I take it?”

  “All signs point to yes on that one.”

  “Good for you.” Melanie smiled. “When are you seeing him again?”

  “I don’t know. Probably never.” Anne sipped from her coffee.

  “What? He’s hot for you, young and obviously full of energy and you’re just going to run away from him.”

  “I’m not running away.”

  Melanie scoffed. “If you’re not running to him, you’re running away.”

  “Look, I’m too old for him, and I will not be having my neighbors stare at me when I have some young guy over for a date or something. You know how nosy they all are.”

  “So, go to his place.”

  “No, he probably lives in a dorm or something. Forget it.”

  Melanie sighed. “You’re being ridiculous. Here the opportunity for the perfect rebound relationship presents itself, and you’re too ashamed to take advantage of it.”

  “I’m not ashamed.”

  “What would you call it then?” Melanie sneered.

  “I don’t know. I’m being practical.”

  “Practical.” Melanie rolled her eyes. “Last night was fun, right?”

  “Yeah.” Anne shrugged.

  “Imagine
how much more fun it would be if you pushed his head down into your lap.”

  “Melanie.” Anne chuckled, shaking her head.

  “What? Young guys actually like doing that.”

  “How would you know?”

  “I read it online,” Melanie began. “You know older men hardly ever go down, and if they do, you maybe get three halfhearted licks before they’re shoving that hairy penis in your face waiting for their turn.”

  “I wouldn’t know.”

  “Well, I know, and it’s not pretty. Not at all.” Melanie brought her shoulders up and trembled.

  “Can we stop talking about this?”

  Her enthusiastic friend’s eyes widened. “Oh, and I hear these young guys shave everything.”

  “What?”

  “They grew up watching porn. They shave all of it off.”

  “Don’t they look like little boys then?” Anne squinted, pressing her lips together. “That’s disgusting.”

  “No, they leave a little on top.”

  “Oh, good,” Anne replied sarcastically before sipping from her cup.

  “Believe me if you could choose between a guy who never, ever, ever trimmed, I mean anything, ever”—Melanie widened her eyes—“and a guy who’s completely shaved, I know what you’d choose.”

  “Okay. Okay.” Anne flapped her hand at her friend. “I was thinking of getting a bagel or something, so can we just not talk about hairless penises?”

  “Yeah, sure.” Melanie frowned, disappointed. “My Dennis never trims.”

  Anne let out an exasperated sigh. “Let me amend my earlier req—”

  “It’s like a giant bush,” Melanie announced.

  “Okay.” Anne made a face. “Let’s not discuss hairy ones either.”

  “Fine. What should we talk about?” Suddenly Melanie’s eyes brightened. “Today’s the big day, right?”

  “Yep, a few hours from now it will all be over.”

  Melanie shot her a naughty grin. “Maybe once the divorce is final you’ll change your mind about wanting to have sex with the young bartender.”