Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “Is he married?”

  “Not sure. I think I’ll take something over to welcome him to the neighborhood. Maybe I’ll bake something,” Victoria said.

  Jillian gave her a skeptical look. “You can’t bake.”

  “I’ll figure some way to welcome him.”

  Jillian shook her head disapprovingly. “Okay, but be sure he’s not married first.”

  Victoria frowned again. “Did you come over here to give me crap, or…”

  “No, I came to tell you Brian made me this incredible breakfast in bed.”

  “Great, so you guys did it then?” Victoria gave her a broad smile.

  “No. Would you let me finish?” Jillian snapped. “Anyway, after breakfast, we played tennis together, and he’s great and a good sport, unlike Giant Pube Boy.

  “Who’s Giant Pube Boy?” Victoria asked.

  “You remember, from a couple of weeks ago?”

  Victoria looked at her, confused. Jillian matter-of-factly pulled out her phone, loaded up the picture, and handed the phone to Victoria.

  “I do remember now, the blind date that ended up in your pool, naked.” Victoria studied the picture, smiling. “I still can’t see his penis. Where is it again?”

  “It’s in there somewhere.”

  Victoria glanced up at Kurt. “You’ve got to see this.”

  He walked over, looked at the picture, and then laughed. “Wow, that’s a lot of hair.”

  As he walked away, Victoria asked, “You’re trimmed down there, aren’t you, Kurt?”

  “You know it,” he said, without looking back.

  Jillian shook her head with a smile. “Anyway… so after we finished playing, he went to take a shower, and I kinda sorta went to ask him if he needed any towels or anything—”

  “Towels?” Victoria said accusatorily.

  “Yes, towels. Would anyone buy that?”

  “No, but please continue. This is getting good.”

  Jillian whispered, “I kind of caught him jerking off in the shower, and I stood there and watched while he finished.”

  “Did you do anything… else?”

  “Not really,” she continued whispering. Then she looked over at Kurt, who either wasn’t hearing any of this or listening intently and trying to play it cool.

  “You didn’t join him?”

  “No, I… uh… thought about it, but Rob came home and…”

  “Oh, you should have played less tennis and done more fucking!”

  Jillian took a moment to processes that possibility. “I think it would be a mistake. He’s Rob’s best friend and all, and nearly half my age, but God, is he sexy!”

  “Life is short. You have to seize the opportunities you’re given. It’s not like you have a lot of them.”

  Jillian glared at her a moment, then nodded in agreement. “For arguments sake, let’s say I do want to sleep with him, but I’m so out of practice that I’ve forgotten exactly how to do everything. What do young guys like?”

  “I can give you the perfect plan to blow his mind and keep him coming back for more. Once you do this, he will follow you around like a lost puppy just begging for you to do it again.”

  Jillian looked at her expectantly.

  “First, have him lie on his stomach, fresh from a good, long, hot shower. Then you—” She looked over at Kurt. “Sorry, Kurt, I don’t want you to hear all my secrets.”

  She whispered the rest of the procedure into Jillian’s ear. Jillian listened intently, asked a few questions, and looked turned on by most of what she heard and a little put off by the rest.

  “And that does it?” Jillian asked.

  “Like you wouldn’t believe.” Victoria said confidently. “You really would need to like a guy to do all that.”

  Jillian nodded along in complete agreement.

  “You need a perfectly groomed guy, as it were. For example, no one is doing any of that to Pube Boy,” Victoria added as they both shared a sickened look. “I once brought a young guy right to the edge four times before I let him come. He nearly jumped out of his skin. When I thought he had finally had enough, I did that last thing I told you about, and he, uh… He claimed it was the biggest orgasm of his life.”

  Jillian looked at her in awe.

  “That’s why I think there are so many divorces today—married couples just don’t have enough really good sex. I’m not talking about five minutes of ‘I’m-exhausted, we-have-to-get-up-in-five-hours, we-just-finished-watching-the-local-news, but do-you-really-feel-like-doing-it?’ sex. I mean the up-to-bed-early-on-a-weeknight, take-a-good-shower, slip-on-some-lingerie, and really-go-at-it sex. Your basic blowjob, oral-for-her, sixty-nine, regular-old-fashioned, and then-maybe-a-little-backdoor, around-the-world sex.”

  Jillian watched her bleary eyed. “This is just one night we’re talking about, right?”

  Ignoring the question, Victoria grinned. “You go ‘around the world’ with your husband a couple times a month, and he won’t be straying. You won’t be finding yourself at an attorney’s office, arguing over who gets custody of the dog.”

  Jillian looked at Victoria like she was really making some sense, and Victoria summarized it with this last gem, “Look, all I know is that it’s really hard for a couple to ask for a divorce from each other when their genitals are buried in each other’s faces.”

  Jillian looked sheepishly at Victoria. “Brian still seems to be hung up on that college girl. I don’t want to do anything to screw that up for him.”

  “You’d actually be doing him a favor. You give him one good night, and he goes back to school full of confidence and sweeps that girl off her feet. She won’t know what hit her.”

  “Maybe you’re on to—”

  “Someone needs to help him out. If you don’t, maybe I should,” Victoria said.

  “Okay. I’ll let you know, but keep your paws off until I figure this out.”

  “Deal, but if you do sleep with him, please record it and e-mail it to me.”

  After rolling her eyes, Jillian smiled at her.

  Just then, a man in his mid-forties exited the back door of the house behind Victoria’s and approached the grill. Jillian and Victoria watched as the tall, muscular man in the polo shirt and shorts bent down to turn on the gas in the tank and then stood to fire up the grill.

  “What’s he, like, forty-five? Isn’t he a little too old for you?” Jillian joked.

  Smiling, Victoria waved to him as she growled, “Very funny.”

  The man looked over, smiled back, and returned the wave.

  “He’s cute,” Jillian said.

  “Look at those broad shoulders… I should really learn to bake.”

  The man walked toward the house. Turning back, he smiled, waved again, and disappeared inside.

  Victoria squirmed in her chair a little. “Are you hot? I’m hot… I wonder what Austin is doing tonight.”

  Jillian narrowed her eyes at Victoria, who was clearly in need of some male attention.

  23

  At Jillian’s, Rob slept at home that night. He and Brian stayed in and watched movies. Finding his mind wandering during the films, Brian thought mostly about Jillian and how much fun they had playing tennis. He thought a lot about how freaking incredible she looked in her short tennis skirt. Natalie also crossed his mind once or twice. Was she somewhere thinking about him, or was she with some other guy? He wished he knew.

  Jillian was somewhat relieved that Rob was at home, since it lifted the possibility of anything happening between Brian and her that night. It gave her a chance to think about everything and to continue writing, since she was on a roll. She had written a few pages after the previous day at the pool, but while the guys spent time in front of the TV, she wrote for hours—more than she had in weeks. Her recent fantasies starring Brian, her actual firsthand experience watching him, and her recent conversation with Victoria had filled her mind with more ideas than she could process. She spent the day jotting down ideas on Post-it notes, maki
ng notes in her notebook, and recording voice memos on her phone. After spending some time organizing her notes, she wrote well into the night.

  When she finally closed her laptop cover just after midnight, she was so horny that she had to touch herself for the second time in less than twelve hours. Jillian had never before done that twice in a single week.

  As Jillian was attending to her needs, Austin and his friend, Steve, also, in his mid-twenties, sat far apart on the giant L-shaped sectional sofa in Victoria’s living room. Each nursed a beer while Victoria prepared in the bedroom. In the center of the room, Victoria had moved together two center sections from her sofa and had placed a crisp, clean, white sheet over them. The guys didn’t say a word to each other as they sat waiting, tossing concerned glances at the covered sofa pieces, which sat directly before them.

  When Victoria appeared, wearing a tiny, bright blue lace bra with matching thong, they both swallowed hard. She approached them, wearing a sexy smile. “I’ve been thinking about this all day.”

  Austin’s eyes locked in on her hard nipples as they fought to break free from their sheer cover-up, and Steve stared at her with his mouth agape.

  Austin said, “You look amazing.”

  Victoria smiled at the compliment. “Why are you two sitting so far apart?” The guys looked at each other, the concern etched on their faces, and then she added, “You’ll need to be a lot closer together if we’re going to do what I’ve been fantasizing about all day.”

  Steve and Austin shared an apprehensive look. Then Steve adjusted the bulge in his shorts as Austin returned his gaze to Victoria.

  She touched her face. “I’ve always wanted to see if I could fit two in my mouth at the same time… and maybe other places as well.”

  Steve’s jaw dropped. “We’re not, uh, bi or anything.”

  Victoria shook her head slowly. “You guys don’t have to do anything to each other. You’re here to please me.” She unclasped her bra and revealed her breasts as she added, “Things… may touch a little here and there. Is that… okay?”

  “Well, uh…” Austin began as Victoria pulled down her panties and started running her fingers slowly between her thighs.

  Steve glanced at Austin. “I think that might be okay. I’m, uh, comfortable with my…”

  Slipping her fingers inside, she closed her eyes for a moment and moaned. Transfixed, Austin and Steve watched unblinkingly as the bulges in their shorts grew.

  “Well, what are you waiting for?” Victoria asked.

  The two stared at her dumbfounded until she gave them a tired look. Then they jumped up and quickly stripped off their clothes. Victoria eyed Steve up and down, and then stopped in the middle to stare at his growing manhood. Licking her lips, she looked over at Austin. He was more than ready, as well.

  Victoria kneeled next to the sheet-covered sofa sections and motioned for them to join her. Without looking at each other, her boy toys approached.

  She led them into position on the sofa sections until they were seated, facing each other. Moving behind Austin first, she guided him until he was lying flat with his legs spread. Next, she moved behind Steve and coaxed him down on the opposite side. The parts she was interested in were a few inches apart as she knelt down between them. Their eyes locked on her body, mesmerized.

  Victoria said, “Slide together. I want to… try a few things.”

  Austin and Steve looked at her skeptically.

  “Trust me. You won’t be disappointed.”

  The guys didn’t look at each other as they spread their legs apart and moved together until their knees were touching, but they were still too far apart.

  Victoria frowned. “One of you is going to have to put your legs over the other. Sorry, I’m new at this and…”

  Austin looked at her alarmed. “Now, wait. I’m not—”

  He stopped talking when Victoria leaned down and devoured him with her mouth. Shutting his eyes tight, he groaned. With her mouth still occupied, she reached over and grabbed Steve’s erection. Pulling her mouth off Austin, she moved it to Steve’s manhood and gave him a preview of what was to come.

  Victoria pulled her head up to look at one, then the other. “I’ll keep going, but only if you move closer together.”

  They never moved faster in their lives.

  For the next forty-five minutes, Victoria experimented with her two friends and performed acts she had recently seen in an adult movie. While some of the things they tried worked better than others, it was the hottest sex she’d experienced in a long time.

  When they were finally finished, Austin and Steve scooted away from each other to the edge of the sofa pieces, avoiding eye contact with one another. Victoria sat down between them, placing a hand on each of their knees. “That was fun.”

  The guys simply nodded in agreement.

  She looked to one then the other and said, “You guys want to go for a swim?”

  24

  The next day, Rob left Jillian’s house early to spend the day with Laura. Waking around 10:30, Brian went for a swim. Jillian got up soon after and sat out by the pool. She made Brian pancakes from a mix, but she did follow his griddle tips, and they weren’t bad at all. They ate the cakes while sitting side-by-side on the lounge chairs, and she stole a few glances at his bare chest and legs as they spoke.

  “I have this dinner party coming up soon, and I want to make a special dessert. You have any ideas?” Jillian asked.

  “I make a mean lemon meringue pie. I use, like, triple the egg whites so it ends up being this giant meringue layer on top.”

  She shook her head no, since egg whites kind of made her want to vomit. It was something about the texture.

  “How about chocolate éclairs? They’re a pain in the ass to make, but they’re good,” he said.

  “I was thinking about more of a cake.”

  After pausing to think for a moment, his eyes widened. “I make this cake. It’s kind of my own personal creation. I put it together from a couple different recipes. It’s like a chocolate mousse ganache cake.”

  Jillian’s face lit up at the thought of chocolate and the impressive sound of the name. “It sounds good, but is it hard to make?”

  “It’s really pretty easy.”

  “Do you make the cake from scratch like your pancakes, because that—”

  “No way, cake from scratch usually isn’t that great,” he began. “At least I’ve never found a good recipe. I use a mix.”

  Jillian smiled. “You had me worried there.”

  “You whip half the cream and fold cooled melted chocolate into it. Then you heat up the rest of the cream and melt semi-sweet chocolate into that, while stirring it constantly, until it turns into, like, this silky, rich mixture. Then, you just pour it over the top.”

  She looked at him, confused. “How, exactly, do you ‘fold’ something?”

  “If you want, we could go to the store, get everything, and I could show you how to make one today. Then you could easily knock it out by yourself when you need to.” She gave him a broad smile.

  When they returned from the grocery store, Jillian prepared the cake mix as Brian sat on a stool at the kitchen island, watching her. She glanced up from the bowl. “So, who’s your favorite men’s tennis player—Federer?”

  “I, uh, really don’t like any of the recent players. They’re all baseliners, and they hit these 140 mile-per-hour serves that no one can return. All the points are either aces or forty-shot-long, incredibly boring rallies. The pro game has changed so much. There are no true rivalries.”

  She nodded in agreement. “You are exactly right. So, who’s your favorite player all-time?”

  “You’re going to think I’m a nerd, or something, but I’m a McEnroe fan all the way.”

  She gasped. “I love him! He’s the reason I started playing.”

  “Me, too!”

  She looked at him confused. “But wait, you weren’t even born yet when McEnroe was playing.”

  “
I was a toddler for some of his comebacks, but my father was a huge fan, and he had videotapes of all the big matches.” He looked away, thinking, and then said, “My favorite is the Borg-McEnroe U.S. Open final of—”

  “1980,” they said in unison and shared another smile. Jillian moved a half step closer to him.

  “I think I still have a few old matches on grainy videotape. Do you remember that match at Wimbledon that same year?” she asked.

  “Yeah, Mac saved five match points before he finally lost. Great match.” Staring down at the floor, he looked to be replaying the memory in his mind.

  “I remember that.”

  He shook his head smiling. “Freaking Johnny Mac, he changed tennis forever.”

  After they came down from their Johnny Mac high, Jillian put the cake in the oven, and when it baked and had cooled, Brian walked her through the preparations of the simple chocolate mousse. He instructed her to cut each round cake layer in half to create four thin layers, and then watched as she placed the first layer on the cake plate, followed by a third of the mousse, another layer, more mousse, still one more cake layer, mousse, and then the final cake layer on top. The cake stood about nine inches high when they put it all together. Next, he showed her how to make a double boiler out of a metal bowl and a small saucepan, and supervised as she heated the cream while stirring it constantly. When it started to get warm, he had her add the semi-sweet chocolate.

  As Jillian continued stirring the mixture in the bowl, she began to frown. “I think I must have done something wrong.”

  “Just keep stirring,” he said, “When you make ganache, before the chocolate and cream really mix, it’s supposed to look like a disaster.”

  She kept on mixing, and it looked horrible, with the different shades of white, brown, and chunks of chocolate all fighting against each other, and then all at once, it came together into the dark chocolate silk as he promised.

  She smiled at him pleased.

  Grinning proudly, he glanced at her face. “You see? Now take it off the heat.”

  Jillian removed the pot from the burner, and he told her to taste it. She reached in with a finger, tasted it, and smiled. She presented her finger to him; he swiped a bit off with his finger, tasted it, and then nodded. They shared another brief, passionate, moment as they stared at each other for a little too long.