Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  Jillian waited on one side of the street as Brian dodged traffic to cross to the liquor store about a block away. When he returned, she placed the bottle of rum in her purse, and they went into the theater.

  26

  They took their seats in the nearly empty, large theater just as the previews began. Jillian ran to the bathroom but passed Brian the bottle of rum first. He poured about four-and-a-half shots’ worth of the rum into his Coke and poured the rest, which amounted to about half a shot, into hers. He mixed them up a little with the straws. Wanting to catch up with her at least a little, he sucked down about a quarter of his giant, super-strong rum and Coke while she was away.

  An older couple was many rows behind them in the last row, and four rows ahead of them sat two people. Jillian returned and sat next to Brian in the center of the theater. Brian set the popcorn bucket on his lap, and she held her drink. Slumping in her seat, obviously still a little woozy, she sipped from her Coke and said softly,” Did you already put it in?”

  “Yeah,” he whispered.

  “It tastes like nothing’s in here.”

  He glanced away shyly. “It’s, um, a really big cup.”

  Nodding in agreement, she reached into the bucket for some popcorn.

  As the movie began, another couple entered the theater and rushed to seats in the same row as Jillian and Brian but across the aisle. They were about nineteen, giggling, and obviously dating. Twenty minutes into the movie, Brian looked over and noticed they were making out heavily.

  He nudged Jillian; she took a look, smiled, and whispered in his ear, “Get a room.”

  “They’re like animals.”

  Jillian’s sipped from her soda. Glancing over at Brian, she studied his profile as the light gently reflected off his face. Their bare knees were touching, and she closed her eyes and sighed. She reached into the popcorn bucket, grabbed a kernel, and tossed it into her mouth. She looked over at the amorous couple and saw, as a particularity bright scene filled the theater with light, that the guy was rubbing the girl’s chest through her shirt. As they continued to make out, the girl’s hand disappeared into the guy’s lap. Jillian nudged Brian to look, and when he did, they shared a smile.

  The combination of the rum and Coke, the sexy knee rubbing, her perfume, the couple practically having sex, and Jillian plunging her hand every five seconds into the popcorn bucket right over his sensitive groin area, had led to quite an uncomfortable crowding in Brian’s shorts. He had to remove something from that equation, or he was going to have a real problem. He decided the popcorn had to go.

  He whispered, “You want the bucket?”

  “No.”

  “You sure you don’t want any more?”

  She shook her head with a smile, as she stared at the screen.

  After placing the bucket under his seat, Brian looked at Jillian’s bare knee, which was still touching his. She seemed to be pushing her knee more and more into him as the movie progressed. He looked over at the busy couple and saw the guy now had his hand under the girl’s shirt, and the girl was busy working her hand over the guy’s lap.

  Several minutes went by, but the removal of the popcorn bucket had done nothing to relieve his situation. Looking over to be sure Jillian was watching the screen, he slid his hand into his lap to quickly adjust his straining erection. Whatever he did inadvertently freed his manhood from the confines of his boxers. That relieved some of the pain, but unfortunately, it also made the problem worse, since his dick was now free to expand, which it rapidly did.

  Jillian, her eyes glued to the screen, reached into Brian’s lap, feeling for the popcorn. She didn’t find any, but her blindly searching hand landed on something hard—extremely hard.

  Instead of quickly pulling her hand away, she let it remain in his lap, as he sat frozen and unable to breathe. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye, and she appeared unfazed by her find; yet she still didn’t make any attempt to move her hand.

  Thoughts swirled in Brian’s mind. What was she doing? Did she realize where her hand was and what exactly she was touching? He took a shallow breath. Maybe Jillian believed her hand landed on his cell phone. At that moment, his erection involuntarily twitched. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye but she wasn’t reacting at all. Maybe she decided to play it cool and avoid embarrassing either of them, by casually leaving her hand in his lap with a plan to remove it when the time seemed right. Yeah, that must be it.

  Glancing down at his hands, Jillian noticed his fingers were spread out and awkwardly gripping the top of each armrest. She fought back a smile.

  Brian picked up the Coke, his hand shaking slightly, and took a long drink. He turned slightly to look at her again, and she still seemed unaware of her hand’s current location. A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead. He held his breath as he attempted to will his erection to subside. Think of puppies or baseball or that paper he’d been putting off for the last couple weeks. None of it worked. His cock throbbed and he closed his eyes tightly as he pressed his lips together.

  She turned to him catching the look of utter distress on his face. Her hand remained motionless as she grinned, cupping her mouth to direct her comment only to him. Leaning over so that she was an inch from his face, she muttered, “Sorry about that. I’m going to take my hand off your penis now.”

  His eyes shot open wide. “What?”

  “I’m going to take my hand off your penis now.”

  “Oh, is it…? I didn’t, uh, notice.” He froze, pretending to look at the screen. “You want some popcorn?”

  “No,” she whispered, and she slowly pulled her hand away from him. When she did, he exhaled deeply and finally relaxed in his seat. After quietly trying to adjust his shorts again, he took another long sip of his Coke, holding it out for her. “Want some?”

  She sampled his drink and choked a little, it was incredibly strong—much stronger than hers was. She smiled, shaking her head. Jillian said accusingly, “Yours is really strong.”

  Busted, Brian glanced at her. “I must not have mixed it up enough. It, uh, settled.”

  She sucked her lower lip between her teeth then turned to look at him. He met her gaze. “You okay?”

  “I am.” She nodded then said softly, “I don’t think I ever properly thanked you for making me breakfast in bed. That was so sweet.”

  He whispered, “I’m sure you thanked me.”

  “Well, it was delicious.”

  “It was the least I could do.”

  She looked over at the couple still making out nearby. She noticed that they were really starting to produce some noise with their activities. She nudged Brian and smiled.

  After checking them out, he turned to Jillian and widened his eyes. “They’re practically going at it over there.”

  “Disgusting,” she said in a sexy whisper.

  Seconds later, Jillian was on top of Brian, kissing him, passionately. He returned her enthusiasm, and they continued to kiss and grope each other from his seat. From a few feet away, they heard, “Get a room you two,” and they stopped kissing, looking over to find the source. When they looked around, they saw the couple that had been practically screwing during the entire film, staring right at them while wearing silly grins. Both Brian and Jillian fired back evil looks.

  Falling back into her seat, Jillian slumped down. “Maybe we should get out of here.”

  Brian looked at her and simply nodded.

  They stood and quickly walked down the row, leaving their drinks and popcorn behind. As they approached the young couple, they found them still staring, and the guy said, “Couple of animals,” as his girlfriend giggled.

  Jillian glared at them both, before rushing with Brian to the lobby. Once outside the theater, Brian looked down and spotted the huge wet spot and sizeable bulge in his shorts. While Jillian looked left and right, he quickly adjusted his shorts and held his hand over the telling wet spot, as people walked past them on the street.

  “I think it�
��s closer if we walk home. The car is at the top level of the garage, and I don’t think I should drive, anyway.”

  Before Brian could finish nodding, she turned and took off down the sidewalk. Two people never walked faster or with such purpose. Neither said a word. When they reached Jillian’s front door, she searched her purse for the keys.

  He leaned in close to her and put his hand on her neck. “If I don’t get inside you soon, I’m going to die,” he whispered and he felt her shiver. As she turned opening her mouth to respond, the door opened, and Rob appeared.

  Brian quickly removed his hand from her neck, and Jillian looked at her son, alarmed.

  Rob lifted his palms up. “There you are. I’ve been trying to call you.”

  Brian stepped from behind Jillian, looked down at his crotch, and then moved his hand to cover the stain as he stammered, “I had my cell off. We, uh, were at the movies.”

  Rob gave him an odd look.

  Jillian smiled nervously. “We ran into each other. I was on a, um, horrible date, and he saved me.”

  Rob said, “I didn’t hear you drive up.”

  “I… we… left the car at the mall. It was such a nice night that we decided to walk,” Jillian said a little flustered.

  Rob narrowed his eyes at his mother, shook his head, then looked at Brian, and blew it off. “Laura has this girl she wants you to meet. They’re at the bar right now. Let’s go.”

  Brian glanced at Jillian before settling his eyes on Rob. “I, uh…”

  “Come on. She’s waiting for you. She’s really hot.”

  Brian paused to think then said, “Okay. I just need to go to the bathroom first.”

  “Hurry up. I’ll be in the car.”

  Jillian and Brian entered the house as Rob went outside. She closed the door and then looked into Brian’s eyes. “What are we doing?”

  “I don’t know, but it feels right,” he said partially convinced.

  “I think you… you better go. He’s waiting.” Looking down at his shorts, she focused in on the wet spot. “You’d better change.”

  He stared at her, unable to find the words. He needed to say something, anything, but what? “I… When—”

  “Shhh.” Closing her eyes, she put her hand on his chest.

  Gently, he placed his hand over hers and felt the electricity of their connection for a few moments.

  She opened her eyes. “He’s waiting.”

  “Okay.”

  Brian ran up the steps as Jillian stood at the bottom watching him and letting out a sigh.

  27

  At the bar, Rob and Laura introduced Brian to Dana. She was attractive, but Brian was too preoccupied and a little too drunk to notice or care. Closing his eyes, Brian drifted away with his mind reeling. What the fuck’s wrong with me? I can’t stop thinking about Jillian. I feel like I’m… It’s not like what I felt for Natalie, or is it? Am I just a horny douche, trying to get laid? I thought I was falling in love with Natalie, but was that only because she can bend herself up like a pretzel, and I’m lonely? Shit, I don’t know. And now that I’ve seen what a real woman is like, it’s… it’s… Jillian is amazing, but I’m an idiot. There’s no way she really wants to be with me. And it’s obvious that Natalie’s not ready for any kind of relationship—at least, not with me. Is Natalie just jerking me around? Or do I only think that, so I’ll feel less guilty now that I’ve been chasing my best friend’s mother around like a pathetic moron? I’ve got to stop. I’ve got to fix this. Fuck, I’m so confused.

  After glancing for the tenth time at Brian’s bored expression, Dana rolled her eyes at Laura. Then she tried to make conversation with Brian, but it just wasn’t happening. A few minutes later, Dana joined another group of friends, much to Brian’s relief.

  Brian looked at Rob. “I’m not in the mood for this.”

  Rob glared at him. “You’re not still thinking about her, are you?”

  “What?” Brian eyes rounded in alarm. “Who?”

  “Natalie. Jesus, who else.”

  Brian ran his hand over his face.

  “You’ve got to get over her, Dude.”

  “I know. I know. I’m just going to go. I can walk from here. It’s not that far.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah. Don’t worry about me.”

  “I’m staying at Laura’s tonight, but maybe we can do something tomorrow.”

  “Definitely.” Turning away from his friend, Brian closed his eyes for a moment, wallowing in his own shame before he headed toward the door.

  Brian ran most of the way back to Jillian’s. When he was within a block, he slowed his pace to a fast walk so he wouldn’t be panting like an idiot when he saw her. After entering the house, he searched and finally found her on the balcony off her bedroom. Silently, he stood watching her with his mind churning. He needed to talk to her; he needed to clear the—

  He sniffed, picking up the faint but unmistakable smell of pot in the air. He raised an eyebrow and shook his head, grinning. With his concerns suddenly pushed aside, for the moment at least, he rushed out and plopped down in the seat next to her. “Do I, uh, smell pot?”

  “Want some?”

  He held out his hand, and she passed him the joint.

  After taking a hit, he returned it to her and shook his head, a little stunned. “This is some strong stuff.”

  “Yeah.” She looked at him seriously. “About what happened at the movie and what almost happened when we came back… I’ve been thinking that maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”

  His eyes met hers. “I’m so glad you said that, because this is wrong on so many levels. I’m still not sure what’s going on with Natalie, and you’re—”

  “Rob’s mother,” Jillian said with a serious tone. They both shared a wide-eyed nod.

  Rubbing his head, he closed his eyes. “What were we thinking?”

  She shook her head at him, took another hit, and handed him the joint. They both slumped back in their chairs and could relax, with the weight of their mutual attraction seemingly lifted.

  A few minutes later, after sitting together in complete silence, sharing the joint, Brian and Jillian looked at each other and smiled, mostly stoned but oddly coherent. He laughed out loud for no apparent reason.

  She giggled. “What is it?”

  “The other night when your ex called, and you were so upset, and—”

  “What is it?”

  “No, I…”

  “Tell me.” She motioned with her hand for him to continue.

  He exhaled deeply. “Do you remember exactly, everything that happened that night?”

  “I think so.”

  “You were really kind of out of it. You took that sleeping pill, then George had you so worked up that you had a glass of wine, and…”

  “I wasn’t that bad.”

  “Not bad… Do you remember how you got upstairs? We were talking out by the pool, remember?”

  “I walked up. I think,” she said with more bravado than confidence.

  “I carried you up. You were going to sleep out by the pool.”

  “I was?”

  “When we got upstairs,” Brian started, and Jillian leaned in a little closer to him as he continued, “You told me about that first morning when you came into my room, and I was asleep.”

  Embarrassed, Jillian covered her head with her hands. “I thought I only dreamt that I told you that.”

  He looked at her, on the verge of laughter, “You told me everything about it. How you saw it. How you pushed my door open. Exactly what state you saw it in. How you had Victoria on the phone and described it. All of it.”

  “And you don’t hate me?”

  “No, I think it’s hilarious. You told me how it had been so long since you had seen one and even longer since you’d seen a real one and on and on. You were very flattering about it. It was nice to hear.”

  “Is that everything?” She made a face, dreading his response.

  “Not q
uite.” He held his hand out for her to pass him the joint. After taking a hit, he handed it back to her. “You—”

  “Wait.” She took her own long hit and held it ready for another possible emergency one.

  “You… said that in order to make us… ‘even-steven’— that was the totally, hip term that you used.” He chuckled. “You needed to show me yours. Not only yours, but your newly-trimmed yours.”

  She looked at him horrified. “I did?”

  Lifting his eyebrows, he stated, “Nice work. You really did a great job with it.”

  She exhaled, deeply. “So, we didn’t do it after that, did we?”

  “You passed out; I covered you up, and that was the end of the story,” Brian said, pride mixed with a little disappointment in his voice.

  She took a long look at him, “Apparently, Ambien and wine do not mix.”

  He raised his eyebrows in agreement. “I kind of like the effect it has on you, though.”

  “Look, even after going through all that, we’ve been just friends. I think we’ve exercised perfect self-control in a semi-inappropriate way.” Jillian then gave him an odd look that said, maybe that came out wrong.

  “So, friends it is.” Brian gave her a big, over-the-top, high-off-his-ass nod.

  “But we’re, like, friends with… not benefits, but something else…” Jillian said as she paused apparently searching her mind for the right word.

  “Like friends with… partial benefits.”

  She smiled. “Yes, partial benefits. I like it.”

  They paused, grinning at each other for a moment.

  Suddenly, she wrinkled her nose. “It sounds good, but what exactly is it?”

  “We need to figure it out… I think we just need to set up some ground rules first.”

  “Good idea—Rules?”

  They each took a moment to ponder this, and then his eyes got big. “How about no touching?”

  She shook her head. “That’s a little too broad. I mean, what if I want to touch your arm? How about no touching… genitalia?”

  “Genitalia.” He laughed out loud. “So you want to use that word, huh?”