Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  She walked right up to him and said curtly, “Hello.”

  Rob looked at her and then froze for a moment. “Natalie… I want you to meet Laura—my girlfriend, Laura.”

  Laura eyed her suspiciously, and Natalie shot her a look before returning to Rob. Rob stammered, “Natalie’s here to… see Brian. Yeah, they’re, uh, dating.”

  Brian stared at Natalie, waiting. Turning to him, she flinched as if, until that moment, she didn’t truly realize he was in the room. She flashed him a nearly genuine smile. “Brian, I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

  Brian said, “What the hell are you doing in Miami?”

  Natalie opened her mouth to speak, but Rob interrupted, “She wanted to surprise you, so she called me. I told her where we were and… Surprise!”

  “Yeah.” After pausing a moment, Natalie repeated less than enthusiastically, “Surprise.”

  Laura shook her head slightly with her nose wrinkled as she eyed Natalie. Suddenly, Rob offered to get everyone a drink, and Maggie headed off with him. While Rob was away, Laura, Natalie, and Brian stood in silence until Brian said to Natalie, “You just show up places, don’t you?”

  She gave him a confused look, and he elaborated, “Like my tennis match…” She smiled a little, and he joked, “You aren’t going to disappear on me like you did then, are you?”

  Natalie chuckled as she scanned the room. “Where’s the bathroom?”

  Laura pointed the way, and Natalie took off. After ten minutes, when neither Rob nor Natalie had returned, Laura and Brian headed off to look for them. First, they searched the downstairs without any luck, but when Laura and Brian walked into the master bedroom, they found the two of them kissing. Turning in shock to see Laura, Rob stepped away from Natalie. “It’s not what it looks like.”

  Laura scoffed. “It looks like you were kissing.”

  “I mean, she kissed me, but I didn’t… Nothing happened. I mean, I ended things before—” Rob pressed his lips together.

  “So there was something to end!” Laura placed her hands on her hips, swaying a bit in her obviously intoxicated state.

  “Just a little something, it meant nothing. I ended it before Spring Break. I got scared, but now I know that I love only you. I didn’t know she was coming down here.”

  Walking quickly to Rob, Laura swung to slap him and missed, losing her balance and falling to her knees in the process. Rob just stood, unmoving as Brian rushed to help her to her feet.

  Laura narrowed her eyes. “When the hell did this start?”

  After closing his eyes, Rob exhaled. “It, uh, started back in February. I was lonely, and she came over, looking for Brian.” He motioned to Brian. “You were at the library and it just—”

  Laura took a step toward her boyfriend, swung, and missed again when he pulled back.

  Brian gently grabbed Laura to steady her. “Want some help?”

  “Please.”

  Getting right in Rob’s face, Brian glared at him. Laura took a step back, and Natalie watched the scene unfold wide-eyed and with her mouth hanging open.

  Rob put on an uncomfortable smile. “Look, I know you want to hit me, but you won’t, so let’s just talk—”

  Brian punched Rob hard in the face, and he collapsed to the floor, as Natalie looked on, mesmerized. Brian stood over him and said, “You’re such a dick.” Turning his attention to Natalie, he sneered. “And you’re a monster. I’m such a moron. You had me waiting for you, waiting, while you were fucking him.” He shook his head at her.

  She stared back at him giving him no indication that she’d heard a word he’d said. Then her gaze went from Rob back to Brian and she sighed wearing a blissful expression. She seemed almost giddy from what had just transpired.

  Grimacing, Rob held his face as he said to Laura, “Sorry.”

  Laura refused to look at him as she growled, “Screw you.”

  After shooting Rob a pitiful look, Natalie turned to Brian with her lips parted. Their eyes met, and he waited for her to say something, anything, but she didn’t utter a word. She simply stared at him, smiling. After a moment, he sighed, turned, and headed from the room. Laura sneered at her boyfriend before following Brian.

  32

  As Brian drove Laura to her dorm, he looked over to find her staring out the window in what appeared to be a daze. Turning to smile at him, she nearly broke into a chuckle. “You really nailed him.”

  He gripped the steering wheel. “I’ve never hit anyone before. It felt, uh, kind of good.”

  Her smile faded. “I can’t believe he’s been screwing that bleach-headed skank for months now. He admitted it.”

  “And I didn’t see it either. I’m such a fucking moron.”

  “So, she can do this thing with her leg where she puts it over her head.”

  Brian’s eyes widened. “How’d you know about that?”

  “Oh, asshole mentioned it once,” Laura groaned.

  He nodded. “Oh.”

  “She’s soooo flexible,” Laura said in a mocking tone and then added, “You can’t base a relationship on flexibility.”

  “You really shouldn’t,” Brian agreed self-consciously.

  “I’m flexible, too,” Laura said defensively.

  Brian gave her a supportive smile then they each sat in silence. A few minutes later Laura fell asleep as they neared campus. When he parked the car, Brian touched her arm to wake her. “We’re here.”

  Laura fought her way to consciousness, and he helped her to her dorm. Outside her door, he gazed wearily at her. “Can I take a bus back to Rob’s from here, or…”

  “Just come in for a few minutes. I’ll have a couple Cokes and drive you back in, like, an hour or something.”

  After pondering his options, Brian reluctantly agreed. Once inside her room, Laura flopped on the bed. She rolled away from him, but he could hear her crying. He stood nearby, the awkwardness of the situation beginning to weigh on him.

  He exhaled then gave her a sympathetic look. “It’s really going to be okay. I think he’s serious about how much he loves you. You guys were together for a long time. I know he’s an ass and made a mistake, but he was telling me the other day how crazy he is about you. It almost sounded like he was getting ready to ask you to marry him, even.”

  “I would never marry him. He’s been lying to me for months.” She turned to him with her eyes puffy and a tear streaming down her cheek. “Will you just lie next to me for a few minutes? I promise. I’ll drive you back soon.”

  Moving closer to the wall, she looked at him, waiting. After a few awkward seconds, he exhaled, and then climbed in bed next to her.

  She asked, “Do you think he loves her?”

  “No way. She has this power over men. I think he already sees that.”

  “I’ve never been with anyone else, you know. And now who knows how many girls he’s been out there having sex with?”

  He painted on a cheery, supportive smile. “I’m sure it was just the one. I would know if he was—”

  “Right!” She glared at him. “You didn’t know about this one.” Brian conceded the point with his eyes. After taking a deep, calming breath, her mood seemed to turn on a dime as she gave him a gentle smile. “Sorry. I shouldn’t take this out you.”

  He waved his hand at her as if he understood.

  She placed her hand on his shoulder. “Thanks for staying with me. I really didn’t want to be alone.” She closed her eyes and quickly passed out. Brian turned onto his back and sighed, staring up at the ceiling for a moment before closing his eyes.

  About thirty minutes later, Brian awoke in the middle of a vivid dream. It was a dream of Jillian giving him an amazing blowjob on the tennis court. When he reached semi-consciousness, he looked over and didn’t see Laura next to him on the pillow. Instead, he felt something lower, and when he looked down, he saw Laura holding his penis.

  “Hey!” He ran his hands over his face.

  She looked up at him. “You really have
one gorgeous cock.” Pulling her eyes from his face, she moved her mouth toward it. Quickly, he moved away from her and fell off the bed, landing on his ass with a thump. He leapt to his feet as he covered his groin.

  “Your cock is so—”

  “I know. I know.” Frowning, he tucked it away into his pants. “I keep hearing that. Sure, maybe it’s nice and all, but it’s just a dick, for God’s sake. I—”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “You can’t start doing that without…” He lifted his hands in the air.

  “Without what?” she said softly, raising an eyebrow. “I told you I’ve never been with anyone else. How do I know what I’ve been missing all these years?”

  Sitting up in bed, she removed her shirt and bra, as Brian tried to avoid looking at her. “Aren’t you attracted to me?”

  He sat on her roommate’s bed across the room and uncomfortably glanced up at her. “Sure, I am.” He did certainly find her attractive, and she looked hot sitting up in bed with no shirt. “But I’m in a really weird place right now. I have, uh—”

  “I know how we could both get back at Rob,” Laura said in an evil yet sexy tone. “I haven’t done everything with him, but we could do… everything.”

  “What?” He knitted his brow together half confused and half concerned about what she might be referring to.

  “You could have my ass. Guys love that, right?”

  He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Um, I…”

  She cocked her head, pressing a finger to her lips. “Rob’s always wanted to do that, and I’ve been holding back, you know, to save something for when we got married, but now there won’t be any marriage with him, so…”

  Looking away nervously, he stammered, “I, uh, feel a little… and I really shouldn’t. You’re great, and all. I mean, your ass is top shelf, and I’d love to, uh… But even though he’s a douche, he’s still kind of my best friend, or was, or… I don’t know…” He closed his eyes, exhaling deeply.

  She shook her head, her eyes filled with disappointment as she slipped her shirt back on.

  “Sorry.” He raked his hands through his hair. He thought he probably turned Laura’s generous offer down mainly because he really wanted to be with Jillian. And how could he sleep with Rob’s girlfriend at the same time that he also wanted to sleep with his mother and not be the absolutely lowest piece of shit on the planet?

  “Just go.” Laura rolled over then buried her face in the pillow.

  “But I kinda need a ride.”

  “Get out of here!” she said loudly with her words muffled by the pillow.

  “You’ll probably thank me in the morning.” He folded his arms across his chest.

  Turning to him, she looked as if she wanted to decapitate him. He quickly left the room.

  It took Brian almost an hour, using a combination of running and walking, to make it the approximately six miles back to Jillian’s house. He used his key to go inside and found Jillian asleep in her room, but Rob was not in his. It was after 3:00. Brian was exhausted and flopped into bed, still fully clothed.

  33

  At just after 8:00, Rob struggled to wake the soundly-sleeping Brian. He tapped him and then called his name loudly, but Brian did nothing more than toss and turn. Rob pushed him hard in the shoulder a few times to no avail, so he left the room. Returning with an alarm clock, he plugged it in and set the alarm to go off one minute later. He placed it right next to Brian’s head and cranked the wheel on the volume all the way up. Then he stepped back and waited while wearing an evil smile. The digital clock advanced one minute, but nothing happened. Frowning, he exhaled deeply and then rushed to the clock while mumbling obscenities. He checked the alarm time, and it was set correctly. He spun the volume wheel all the way to the other side, and the alarm quickly shot up to a full blast of annoying buzzes.

  Rob cringed from the noise, and Brian shot straight up in bed and looked around the room, confused. After hitting the off button, Rob placed the alarm on the nightstand.

  As Brian fought to regain consciousness, Rob yanked him up by his shirt. “I can’t believe you tried to sleep with her.”

  “What are you talking about?” Brian asked with his eyes only half-open.

  “Probably this whole week you’ve been sneaking around, trying to fuck her behind my back, haven’t you? You’ve been acting different. I knew something was up,” Rob released his shirt, and Brian landed back against the pillow. Sitting on the bed, Rob held his head in his hands.

  As he struggled to find the words, Brian took a deep breath. “Look, I can explain. It wasn’t something that I—”

  “I’ve so screwed this up. I was going to ask her to marry me, and…”

  “What? Who?” Brian asked confused.

  “Who the hell do you think we’re talking about?” Rob asked angrily.

  Brian stopped to knock a few more cobwebs from his brain, figured it out, looked relieved, and then casually said, “Oh, Laura. You have it all wrong. She was the one trying to have sex with me. I just—”

  With fire in his eyes, Rob bolted upright, grabbing Brian by the shirt again. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  Brian’s eyes shot open wide. “Look, I drove her home, and I didn’t have any way to get back. So she said to come in until she sobered up, and then she said she’d drive me back.”

  Rob gave him a skeptical glare. “I want to know everything that happened, every detail.”

  “I think she was drunk and trying to make you jealous. Nothing really happened.”

  “Right.”

  Brian rolled his eyes. “Okay, maybe she touched my dick for a minute. I was asleep, and she just sorta pulled it out. That was it, really. She loves you, Dude. Nothing happened. I put on the brakes, and she realized she didn’t really want to have sex with me. Really, she was only doing it to make you jealous.”

  After letting go of Brian’s shirt, Rob walked across the room. Brian got out of bed, went to him, and then placed a hand on his shoulder. “That’s exactly what happened.”

  “Really?”

  Brian nodded, and although he did think that Laura was only trying to sleep with him to spite Rob or to make him jealous, he felt the little detail about her trying to give him a blowjob and the rather big detail about her offering him other things were better left unsaid.

  Rob gave him a slight smile, and they stood together in silent reflection until Brian realized there was an unresolved issue they had yet to discuss. He narrowed his eyes, turned, and paced around the room. “Um, if we’re done with the whole Laura thing, can we talk about the little matter of you fucking Natalie behind my back for who knows how long, while you knew I was crazy about her?”

  Rob’s jaw dropped as he looked at Brian. “I thought we worked all that out last night.”

  “Worked it out how?”

  “When you punched me.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about? It’s not worked out. When did it start? Who came on to whom first? Does she touch your dick? I know she has a thing about that…” Brian rambled all these questions quickly as he walked to the window and looked out.

  Rob began, “I’m not sure how it happened. As I said, she came over to the suite, looking for you, and you weren’t there and—”

  Spotting Natalie sleeping on a lounge chair in the backyard, Brian pointed down at her. “There she is.”

  “Who?”

  “Natalie.”

  Rob joined him at the window. “The details aren’t important. Look, I ended things with her last night, and I really think she wants to get back together with you. She wouldn’t shut up about the way you hit me and how you seemed so—”

  “We were never together!” Brian shot back.

  “Whatever, she wants a fresh start with you.”

  “Why? Because you dumped her?” Brian sneered.

  “No! Maybe. I don’t know. Does it really matter, anyway?”

  “She likes to mess with guys. She gets all in your head
, and I think she’s really crazy.” Slumping against the wall, Brian stared at the floor.

  “Natalie and I had a long talk, and I think she really has changed. We ended things kinda mutually, and she told me she really likes you and is sorry about everything. She was just scared, and you reminded her of this guy from her past, but she says she’s all over that now.”

  Unconvinced, Brian looked at Rob and then glanced back out the window at Natalie.

  “She said she was going to try to find you last night. She wanted to talk to you.”

  “Really?” Brian’s lips curled up into a slight smile. “She is pretty hot.”

  “She is, and I really think deep down inside, she’s not a complete psycho.”

  Brian nodded casually. “It would be weird dating her when I know you’ve had sex with her. What exactly did you guys—”

  “Do you really want details?” Rob asked. Brian shook his head no, and then Rob added, “Look, I promise you, we never went all the way. In the most technical terms, I swear on my mother’s life, I did not put my penis inside her vagina, not once. That, I promise you.”

  “Okay, I believe you.” At first, Brian was relieved, but then he looked at Rob, confused. After pondering it a moment, he shook off trying to make sense of what his friend had just told him.

  “Good.”

  Suddenly, Brian’s eyes widened with alarm. “Your mother’s not here, is she? She isn’t listening to all this shit?”

  “No, she went out.” Rob pointed out the window at Natalie. “Now go down there and figure this out with her. I’ve got to go fix things with Laura.”

  34

  Brian frowned a little as he stood next to the sleeping Natalie. After studying her closely for a moment, he gently woke her up. When Natalie saw him, she stood, jumped into his arms, and wouldn’t let go. His anger melted into a smile. She told him that she was so sorry, that she was an idiot, that she would never ever hurt him or cheat on him again, and she begged him to drive back to Atlanta with her right then. She said she would answer every question he had and be completely honest about all of it.