Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch lately. It’s the rain. It makes me depressed. I think I have a touch of that thing where if you don’t see the sun, you’re in a bad mood. What’s that called again?”

  “I don’t know, but I know exactly what you’re talking about.”

  “That’s why I live in southern Florida. It hardly ever rains here.”

  He nodded in agreement as he pulled into Victoria’s driveway.

  As he opened the door to get out of the car, she put her hand on his arm. “Wait.” He met her gaze, and she gave him an uneasy smile. “We’ll play tennis tomorrow. Then…” She gave him a wistful look. “I really want to play you.”

  “Oh, I know you do. I can’t wait.” A big smile spread across his face as they walked to the front door.

  Victoria, Brian, and Jillian sat around the table in Victoria’s dining room, enjoying a glass of wine after finishing a delicious meal that Victoria clearly had not prepared, because she never cooked. In fact, her oven was used mainly for storage. Instead, she had the meal delivered from a fine local restaurant.

  “The food was amazing.” Brian patted his full stomach.

  “Yes, it was delicious.” Jillian shook her head with a smile.

  “It’s not easy putting together a meal like this.”

  After they all shared a laugh, Victoria asked, “You guys feel like sitting by the pool?”

  A few minutes later, the women sat on comfortable lounge chairs enjoying the beautiful night, while Brian prepared after-dinner drinks in the house.

  Looking at the house directly behind Victoria’s, Jillian’s eyes widened. “You never mentioned how your date went with your hot neighbor.”

  “It was… okay.”

  “Did you keep your promise?”

  “What promise?”

  Jillian gave her a look. “About not having sex with him on the first date.”

  “Sure did.”

  “Good, so what does he do?”

  “He’s the head coach of the football team.”

  “At the U?”

  Victoria nodded with a frown.

  “That’s an important job. Does he actually have any free time to date?”

  “I think so, but I don’t know.” Sighing, Victoria stared down at the concrete patio.

  “What is it?”

  Victoria glanced up at her face. “It’s just… I haven’t had sex in over a month, and I’m not sure it’s going to work out with John and me.”

  “Why not?”

  “I think he has a premature ejaculation problem.”

  Jillian looked confused. “Did he tell you that?”

  “No.”

  “Okay, then how do you know?”

  “Well, he came, like, five seconds after I went down on him. That’s how I know.”

  Jillian was staring straight ahead, looking confused, when Brian walked out carrying two cosmopolitans. He handed them off to Jillian and Victoria. “I’ll be right back.”

  “But you said you didn’t have sex,” Jillian said.

  “We didn’t. He’s pretty good at eating pussy, and I really enjoyed that part, but—”

  “Let me see if I understand you correctly. He performed oral sex on you?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “You performed oral sex on him?”

  “For five seconds.”

  “Okay, it was short, but his penis was in your mouth, right?”

  “Right. So what’s your point?”

  “Sounds to me like you had sex.”

  “No, we didn’t.”

  Looking at Victoria in complete bewilderment, Jillian’s jaw dropped. Brian returned with his own girly drink, placed it on the table, and fell into a comfortable chair. “What the heck are we talking about?”

  Jillian made a face. “Do you consider oral sex, sex?”

  “Sure.”

  Victoria folded her arms across her chest. “Well, I don’t.”

  “Who are you, Bill Clinton?” Brian scoffed.

  “If that definition works for a former President, then it works for me.”

  Turning to Brian, Jillian asked, “Remember when Victoria said that she would not have sex with this new guy on the first date?”

  “I remember.”

  “Well, he performed oral sex on her; then she did it to him, and—”

  “Only for five seconds before he shot all over my face and in my hair.”

  “Yuck.” Jillian glared at her as if that little detail was totally unnecessary.

  “I had to wash my hair twice, and my eye burned for, like, an hour.”

  After Jillian and Brian shared a look, he looked back at Victoria. “Only five seconds, you say?”

  “Not even.”

  He widened his eyes. “Well, in that case…”

  Victoria looked at him, waiting hopefully for some support. After pondering it for a moment, he nodded. “It’s still sex. You had sex with him.”

  Dismissively waving her hand at him, Victoria shook her head. “Sex is fucking—penis-in-vagina fucking.”

  Jillian’s eyes lit up as if she had the perfect argument to win the case. “Then, do you consider anal sex, sex?”

  After narrowing her eyes to process that little nugget, Victoria let out a sigh. “No… I mean, yes. Oh, let’s just drop it. We had oral sex, but I haven’t had vaginal…” She scowled at both of them. “…sex in two weeks, and I’m horny. The closest thing I have to a sexual partner is a hot, middle-aged guy who shoots before you get your panties down.” After staring at them again, hoping for something resembling understanding and getting nothing, she let out a long, slow breath. “I’m sad, okay?”

  “I went almost a year without having sex once.” Jillian announced proudly.

  “Eighteen months for me… starting in my junior year, until I met…” He motioned toward Jillian with a couple quick head nods; in response, she grinned like a schoolgirl.

  Victoria eyed them both with a condescending smile. “That doesn’t comfort me at all. You guys were kinda like losers in the romance department. No offense.”

  Jillian sneered her way, and then they all took a big sip of their drinks.

  After an awkward pause, Brian shifted gears. “So… Victoria, when do classes start?”

  “My summer class starts in three weeks.”

  “What is it?” Jillian asked.

  “It’s called Advanced Sexual Problems. It focuses on case studies of couples whose sex lives are in desperate need of help. I got ahold of the syllabus and found out that I have to do a case study, either on a real-life couple or one described in the textbook.”

  “That sounds a hell of a lot more interesting than those finance classes I had to take,” Brian said.

  Victoria took another sip from her drink. “Do you guys have any issues in the bedroom that, uh, might help me come up with a topic? You could be a real-life case study. I’d love to get a head start.”

  Emptying her drink, Jillian shook her head. “Wow, that was strong. Let’s see… um, bedroom problems.” She curled her lip as they each wracked their brains for anything. Jillian shook her head. “No, I think we’re all—”

  “What about…” Brian’s eyes widened. “No, forget it.”

  Jillian gave him a curious look. “What were you going to say?”

  Motioning with his hand for her to let it go, he shook his head no.

  “Come on.” Jillian folded her arms across her chest and pouted. “What issue do you think we have?”

  “You know that time we tried to do, uh… and it didn’t…”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  He bit his lip, and then took a sip of his drink, before apprehensively looking back at her. “It’s nothing, really.”

  Victoria smiled. This was getting good.

  Jillian’s expression softened a little. “It’s okay, you can say it.”

  He leaned over and whispered in her ear. With enlightenment spreading across her face, Jillian nodded
. “Yeah, that didn’t go well. We should try again—like a year from now, or something.”

  Her curiosity piqued so Victoria asked, “What didn’t go well?”

  Unsure whether to share this information, Jillian eventually shrugged her shoulders at Brian. “You might as well tell her. She held your penis in her hand for, like, two minutes, for God’s sake.”

  Victoria chuckled. “He told you about that?”

  “He tells me everything.”

  Brian grinned. “Not everything.”

  “I was only trying to help him put… everything away,” Victoria explained.

  Rolling her eyes, Jillian gave her a half-smile. “Okay, yeah.”

  “So what is it? I’m dying to know.”

  “It’s, uh…” He exhaled deeply. “Anal sex. We tried it, and… it didn’t exactly go well.”

  Victoria’s face lit up. “You two haven’t had amazing anal sex yet? You’ve come to the right place. I’m an expert on backdoor pleasures.”

  “You must be proud.” Jillian cracked a sarcastic smile.

  “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried—I mean done it successfully. You’ll never have a bigger orgasm.”

  “Really?” Brian asked.

  “Oh, yes, especially if you combine slow, gentle anal penetration with clitoral stimulation.”

  Jillian wore a sour expression. “Do we have to talk about this?”

  “Oh, lighten up.” Victoria dismissed her with a wave of her hand.

  He moved to the edge of his seat. “But how does everything fit? I mean, is it really supposed to fit in there?”

  “You’d be surprised. That area can open up a lot more than you think. Much more than the vagina, in fact.”

  “I didn’t know that.” After nodding mesmerized for a moment, he turned his attention to Jillian with his eyebrows raised.

  Jillian made a face. “I don’t want to talk about this. It’s, uh…”

  “Well, what do you want to talk about?”

  “Can’t we just sit here and enjoy the night?”

  Brian lounged back in his chair, and they all sat in silence for nearly a minute.

  While looking down at her empty glass, Victoria suddenly smiled. “You guys want to smoke a joint? I got some of that same stuff you both enjoyed that night in the pool.”

  The blissful couple shared a grin.

  Twenty minutes later, the three were all half-baked, and Jillian had changed her attitude slightly about sharing details of their anal sex issue. In fact, she wouldn’t shut up about it. Victoria listened, captivated, while Brian wore a silly grin. The combination of wine, vodka, and marijuana was creating a sort of mellow, sensual, open vibe at the small gathering.

  “He was licking my ass, and it felt, uh… incredible.”

  “Oh, God, I love when a guy does that to me, and…” Victoria looked away with her words trailing off as if she were reliving the memory.

  Jillian raised her eyebrows. “His penis is so thick.”

  “What?” Victoria whispered breathlessly, still caught up in the fantasy.

  “His penis. It’s very thick.”

  Victoria returned her attention to Jillian. “I know.” Glancing over at Brian, she caught his proud look.

  “It felt great as he rubbed it against me back there. Really incredible… you know, before he tried to put it in. But I moved my hips the wrong way or something, the head slipped in, and it hurt.”

  Brian put his hands behind his head and simply watched them, smiling and loving being the topic of conversation.

  Victoria put her hand to her chin. “Did you use enough lube?”

  “I think so.”

  “Did he prime you first?”

  Giggling, Jillian looked at her in confusion.

  “Did he use a lubed finger first to get you ready?”

  “Oh, primed… that’s a stupid word.” Jillian looked at Brian for the answer.

  He looked at them, insulted. “No, I didn’t. I did not put my finger in her ass.”

  “Well, that’s part of the problem,” Victoria said smugly.

  Jillian nodded at him. “See, this was your fault.”

  Pulling his hands from his head, Brian’s jaw dropped. “Look, it was our first time. We were bound to hit a few speed bumps.”

  Victoria sat up in her chair and asked accusatorily, “And Jillian, when he tried to put it in, did you push out like you were trying to go to the bathroom?”

  Jillian looked at her horrified. “I definitely didn’t do that.”

  “That’s very important.”

  “Really?” Jillian stared back at her with a furrowed brow.

  “It’s pretty much the most important part.”

  Brian gave Jillian a snotty look, and she shrugged her shoulders back at him. “Sorry. I’m not like your friend, Natalie. I don’t do this with every guy I meet.”

  The three broke into laughter. After they composed themselves, they each took another hit. Jillian and Brian sat back in their chairs, particularly high but a touch depressed. Victoria studied their lost expressions and grinned. “Hey, you guys want to watch some porn? It will be educational. I’ve got this great backdoor scene. It’s one of my favorites. It’s so hot, and it just might help.”

  He widened his eyes at Jillian, and she looked to be on the fence. “Come on—it’ll be fun, and we might just learn something.”

  2

  Jillian, Brian and Victoria sat on the sofa together as the X-rated scene began on the screen.

  An attractive woman wearing a tight, short skirt peered through a telescope as she stood on a balcony of a large mansion. The woman stroked the side of the telescope seductively. The scene cut to the view through the telescope: a house, evidently nearby, where a man was watching two nude women masturbate. The scene cut back to the woman looking through the telescope. A tall man came up behind her and got on his knees.

  “That’s Antonio.” Victoria adjusted in her seat. “He’s so hot.”

  The woman didn’t look back at all as Antonio pulled down her skirt, then her panties, and dived right into gently licking her from behind.

  Brian scoffed. “Who does that? You can’t just go up to some woman and start licking her ass. Does he even know her?”

  “I know… I hate a porn movie with no plot,” Jillian said.

  Victoria exhaled. “He does know her. They are very close. Could you two just enjoy the movie?”

  Brian and Jillian shared a silly grin as Victoria reached into a drawer and pulled out another joint.

  Jillian looked at her gape-mouthed. “Really?”

  “You guys smoked most of the other one.” Victoria lit it up, took a hit, and offered it to Jillian. She shook her head no. She offered it to Brian, and he grabbed it as all three looked back at the screen.

  Antonio continued licking the woman’s shapely backside as she pushed it out farther toward him. He licked her faster as she moaned loudly and pulled her head away from the telescope to glance back at him. After staring at him and licking her lips, she retuned her attention to the telescope. The scene cut to the other house, where two women were performing oral sex on the lucky guy with an average-sized penis. Both women were taking turns, and the guy appeared, quite naturally, to absolutely love it.

  “Wow.” Brian smiled with his eyes fixed on the screen.

  Victoria took a hit off the joint. “You’ve never had two women do that to you, have you, Brian?”

  “Uh, no.”

  Jillian glared at Victoria. “Don’t start.”

  “What?”

  “Just give me the joint.” Jillian rolled her eyes. Victoria handed it over; Jillian took a big hit and handed it to Brian.

  Victoria opened her hand to Brian to receive the joint. “Just wait till you see Antonio.”

  All eyes were glued to the screen in anticipation.

  Back in the mansion, the woman was kneeling in front of Antonio. Pulling down his pants, she discovered he wasn’t wearing underwear. His huge, unc
ircumcised, nearly hard penis sprang out before her. The woman licked her lips and covered him with her mouth. Antonio groaned. She kept working him until he reached full size. When she finally pulled her mouth back, she looked at his massive erection, her eyes wide.

  “Can we go back to the other guy? I was much more comfortable with his performance… Shit, that’s not real. Is it?” Brian scoffed.

  “It definitely is real.” Victoria lifted her head higher. “He’s nine inches long and over six inches around.”

  Jillian, mesmerized by the scene, remained glued to the screen. “How do you know this?”

  “I know his stats. I got them off his Web site.”

  Jillian and Brian shared an odd look and returned to the screen.

  “Wow, that’s some penis,” Jillian said.

  “The big ones like that are amazing,” Victoria added.

  “You’ve been with a guy that big?” Jillian stared at her with her mouth wide open.

  “Many times. A cock like that can really fill you up. There’s nothing like it. You should try it.”

  Brian glared at Victoria, but she had her eyes focusing hard on the close-up of Antonio’s prize. He glanced at Jillian and found her eyes were also locked on the screen, and she was wearing an expression of awe. Both women were breathing heavily. He gave them a sick look. “Girls, I’m right here. Could you stop drooling over his huge penis? I’m surprised he hasn’t fainted from blood loss.”

  “He’s very talented,” Jillian replied.

  “All right, no more comments about Mutantcock.” He covered his eyes as if he couldn’t watch.

  “Okay, jealous boy.” Jillian looked at him. Placing her hand on his arm, she rubbed him. “Your penis is cute.”

  “It is,” Victoria agreed.

  “Cute? I believe you both said it was gorgeous on separate occasions.”

  As both women looked at him, appearing to be confused, he stared back at them, astounded.

  Victoria asked, “When did I say that?”

  “Um, when you were holding it.” Moving his gaze to Jillian’s still-lost expression, he conceded, “Well, you might have been hopped up on Ambien when you said it, but…”

  Jillian returned a casual nod as Victoria searched her memory. “Yes, that’s right. I did say that.”

  The woman was now deep-throating Antonio.