Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  A few minutes later, John came through the door. “Sorry I had to leave you in here.”

  She shook her head as if it were no big deal.

  “You must have been bored out of your mind. All I have are those issues of Sports Illustrated.”

  “I enjoy looking at the athletes,” she assured him, although he had no idea how much she really did.

  Smiling at her, he sat on the corner of his desk. “God, you’re beautiful.” She looked at him, embarrassed, as he continued, “I’d like to give it another try. I think I might not disappoint you.”

  “I’d love to.”

  “I think those links helped. I can’t thank you enough.”

  “No need to thank me, and no pressure. You can’t rush these things. Let’s just take it slow and see what happens.” She placed the magazine on the table and stared into his eyes.

  “What are you doing tomorrow night?” he asked.

  “Obviously, something with you.”

  They shared a smile.

  14

  The next day, Victoria held office hours for the Psychology 301 class. Arriving a few minutes after four, Chase appeared at her door.

  She gazed up to him in mock surprise. “Chase.”

  “Miss Wilde.”

  “Victoria,” she corrected him.

  “Victoria… Is this a good time?”

  Smiling, she motioned for him to enter. He walked in, closed the door, and sat in a chair directly in front of her desk. He wore a muscle shirt and long shorts. After glancing once again down at his pronounced bulge, she tore her eyes away. “What can I do for you?”

  “The paper, I—”

  “You need a topic, right?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  She turned her computer screen toward him. “Let’s do an Internet search.”

  Standing, he moved closer. He leaned his thighs up against the corner of her desk, which put his impressive bulge less than two feet from her. He watched as she briefly glanced at his midsection, then back up to his face, a bit flustered. “So it’s, uh, abnormal psychology, is it?”

  “Yeah.”

  As Victoria stretched toward the keyboard and typed the phrase into the search bar, her short skirt rode up, exposing her firm, shapely legs. He took full advantage and leaned over to stare at her legs.

  She clicked a link. “Okay, so we have bipolar disorder, depression, narcolepsy, uh, antisocial per—”

  Tearing his eyes from her thighs, he focused on the screen. “Isn’t narcolepsy the sleep thing?”

  “Yes, narcolepsy is a sleep disorder that causes excessive sleepiness and frequent daytime sleep attacks.”

  “That’s interesting. Aren’t we also permitted to choose a sexual disorder as the topic?”

  “Yes.”

  “What is E.D.? I hear those commercials. I know it means you can’t get hard, but what exactly does that stand for?”

  She eyed him a little uneasily. “Erectile dysfunction.”

  “Duh, that makes sense. It would really suck to have that.”

  “It’s a difficult problem. A whole host of issues can cause it, from physical to emotional, to any combination of the two.”

  Glancing down at her chest, he locked his eyes on her cleavage. “I’ll probably choose that or narcolepsy, then.”

  Her gaze traveled down his body, stopping at his midsection, where she stared with her mouth watering. “Great. Well, if you, uh, get started and want me to take a look at the shaft, let me know.”

  Her eyes shifted up to his face where she found him staring back at her, wearing a confused grin. Playing the words over in her mind, her face turned slightly pink. “I meant draft—if you want me to look at your paper.”

  “I definitely want you to look at it.” After pausing for that comment to sink in, he smiled. “In fact, I’m going to start working on it right now.”

  “That’s great.”

  “Thank you again, Miss Wil—I mean, Victoria.”

  Grinning, he slipped out of the room.

  She spun her chair away and stared at the wall, fanning her hands at her face and fantasizing about looking over the whole thing, not just, well… you know.

  Forcing herself back to reality, her thoughts quickly went to John. She was hoping her date with him that night would quench her thirst before she got herself in too much trouble.

  Victoria arrived at John’s at eight that night for dinner. He led her to the kitchen, which had windows that overlooked the backyard. There, a shirtless young man was building a retaining wall. She instantly recognized him as Chase and stared out at him, admiring his bulging muscles and lean, tall build.

  Glancing out to the backyard, John noticed Chase had begun collecting his tools. He turned to Victoria. “Sorry. He’s wrapping up for the day now, and I just need to have a word with him. He’s one of my star players, and he’s making some spending money helping me out. Come out with me, and I’ll introduce you.”

  “I’ve met him—I’m the TA in the psychology class he’s taking. He’s already dropped by my office for… uh… extra help.”

  Together, they walked out to the patio. Chase spotted her immediately. “Miss Wilde.” He tipped his cowboy hat to her.

  He was covered in sweat. His shorts, which were practically falling off his lean body, were seated four inches below his belly button. Her eyes first went there, then to his face.

  John asked, “All done?”

  “Yes, Coach.”

  She smiled. “How’s that paper coming?”

  “Oh, just fine.”

  After removing his gloves, Chase picked up a large bottle of Gatorade and chugged it down.

  John said, “It’s a hot one today.”

  Chase wiped his mouth with his wrist. “If you had a pool, I’d have fallen in by mistake long ago.”

  “I live right down there.” She pointed toward her house, and Chase followed her finger. “Go cool off in my pool, if you want.”

  Languidly lifting up his hands, he placed them behind his head. “Oh, I couldn’t.”

  “Go ahead. The code for the back gate is two-three-one-two. There are towels in that cabinet beside the house.”

  “You sure it’s no trouble?” Chase asked.

  “I insist. In fact, whenever Coach is working you to death, consider it an open invitation.”

  Chase tipped his hat again. “I might just take you up on that.”

  As John made some final preparations in the kitchen, Victoria looked out toward her backyard, which was about four hundred feet away. She watched as Chase stripped off his shorts and dove into the pool in his boxer briefs.

  After taking a big sip of wine, she smiled at John. “Chase seems like a good kid.”

  “He is. They think he might go in the first round in next year’s NFL draft.”

  “Huh,” she muttered as she stared back out the window to find Chase swimming across the pool.

  John served some kind of chicken pasta meal, which wasn’t bad at all, but Victoria ate with one eye on the window, where she could occasionally still see Chase. After the hunky wide receiver left her backyard, she was able to fully focus on her date.

  “I do appreciate the research you did and that e-mail,” he said.

  “You don’t need to keep thanking me… I see you’re not drinking wine tonight.”

  He pointed to his groin. “You were right; he doesn’t work very well if I drink.”

  “Have you been taking that amino acid?”

  “I have, and I think that, combined with the Kegel exercises, are really starting to make a difference. I’m eating healthier, not drinking, and relaxing more. It’s turned things around for me.”

  “That is great news.”

  “Last night, when I…” He leaned close and whispered, “…masturbated, I lasted five minutes. I think I’d last even longer with a condom.”

  Twenty minutes later, they found out. They did it with John standing upright, to help with blood flow, as Victoria lay near the
edge of the bed. It wasn’t exactly the best sex of her life, but she liked John and wanted to help him.

  After a few minutes, she reassuringly said, “Don’t worry about me, whenever you’re ready to cum, just let it go.”

  As he continued to pump quickly into her, she reached down and rubbed her clitoris. Less than thirty seconds later, he groaned loudly, slumped over, and began sucking on her nipples.

  Slipping down to the floor, he rested on his knees, gazing at her appreciatively. “If I had met you a year ago, I might still be married.”

  She ran her fingers through his hair. “She left because of your problem?”

  “That, and the mood that my problem put me in. I felt like less than a man, and I took it out on her.”

  Reaching between her legs, he touched her gently. “You didn’t have one yet, did you?” She shook her head no. He slipped down lower and slowly began licking her.

  She tilted her head back in ecstasy as she thought, He may not have a penis that works all that well, but he sure knows how to do this.

  15

  After Brian moved his things to Miami, he and Jillian flew to Philadelphia to visit his parents. His brother, Jim, picked them up from the airport, which was twenty minutes from their home in Delaware. Jim was a slightly taller and thinner version of Brian. With a high aptitude in science, as opposed to Brian’s skills in business and math, Jim had plans to become a doctor. He was, also, quite a bit shyer around women than his older brother, hard as that is to imagine.

  Jillian had met Brian’s parents in Atlanta at the Georgia State University graduation, but that was when she was simply his best friend’s mother. Now that Mr. and Mrs. Nash knew Brian and Jillian were living together, their opinion of Rob’s mother had changed significantly. Brian had told them back in June, and when they reacted badly, he knew informing them of their engagement before they had a chance to get to know Jillian a little better would be a mistake. He was hoping this trip would give them that opportunity, and they would fall in love with her, too. Envisioning that everyone would get along so well during the visit, he hoped they’d be able to share the good news before returning to Miami. He was trying to forget that his parents were pretty much crazy and that there was little chance that things would go as he planned.

  He told his parents that Jillian had business in Philadelphia so they wouldn’t suspect he and Jillian were coming all the way from Florida just for a visit. He didn’t want them to assume things were more serious. Jillian told him she wasn’t sure that keeping this from them was the right thing to do. They decided to keep Jim in the dark as well. Although he certainly would have been supportive, they didn’t want him to give their secret away.

  Jillian was nervous, too. She had never really spoken to Beverly Nash and didn’t know what to expect. Fortunately, Beverly was older than she was, but only by ten years. She tried to put herself in Beverly’s shoes. How would she react if Rob brought home a 40-year-old woman with a son almost as old as he was? Would she welcome the woman with open arms or want to strangle her? She knew the answer but didn’t want to admit it to herself.

  When they arrived at the Nash residence, Brian hugged his mother and shook hands with his father. He hadn’t seen any of his family in weeks, because he’d been in training, and when he’d stopped at the house briefly to pick up his things a few days earlier, no one had been home.

  Brian smiled proudly at Jillian. “Well, you guys remember Jillian from the graduation? Jillian, this is my mother, Beverly, and my father, Edward.”

  “Good to see you both again.”

  Mr. and Mrs. Nash said hello, then gave Jillian a quick and somewhat dismissive nod.

  Edward asked, “So, how was the flight?”

  “Good,” Brian replied.

  Jillian gave them an uncomfortable smile. “I appreciate you having us stay with you.”

  Lifting her head high, Beverly folded her arms. “Jillian, we fixed up the guest room for you. And Brian, of course, you’ll be in your room.”

  After nodding uneasily, Brian and Jillian shared a quick, knowing glance. He had warned her during the flight that they wouldn’t be sharing a room. Otherwise, he held back telling her a lot of things about his quirky parents. He didn’t want to scare her off and was holding out hope that Ed and Bev would act almost like normal people during the visit.

  As Jillian unpacked in the guest room, she heard voices from the next room. Discovering the source was a return air vent in the wall, she moved closer to it. She swore she heard her name mentioned, which caused her to slip down to the floor with her ear to the vent.

  She listened as Beverly whispered, “I will not have an unmarried couple fornicating in my home.”

  Jillian giggled at the use of the word, “fornicating.” Then she was convinced she heard Beverly say, “That whore better not be corrupting my son.”

  Brian pushed open the door, and Jillian popped up from the floor. He gave her an odd look. “What the hell are you doing?”

  Grimacing, she motioned for him to close the door. He did, and she met him in the center of the room. “Your mother just called me a whore.”

  He scoffed. “What?”

  “I can hear them in their room through that vent right there.”

  “Maybe you misheard.”

  “She said, ‘That whore better not be corrupting my son.’”

  “Maybe she said, ‘that girl,’ not ‘that whore.’”

  She looked at him, unconvinced. “Maybe… I swear that I heard her use the word, ‘fornicating.’”

  He said casually, “Oh, that does sound like her. They joined this wacky church about five years ago. ‘Fornicating’ is a big word around here. There is no fornicating of any kind allowed here.”

  “I don’t think she likes me.”

  “Oh, I think she does. They’re just nervous.”

  Beverly prepared a lovely dinner. In the dining room, Jillian felt the eyes of Brian’s parents and his brother on her. She barely touched her food; instead, she quickly drank a glass of wine, then Brian poured her a refill before anyone said another word at the table.

  Beverly broke the ice. “So, Jillian, can you still have children?”

  Blindsided by the question, she nearly spit out her wine.

  Brian glared, wide eyed, at his mother. “Mom!”

  Jillian cleared her throat. “I’ll answer. No, I don’t think I can have any children. I had a miscarriage a few years after Rob was born, and the doctor thought my prospects for another pregnancy were not good.”

  Smiling, Beverly couldn’t get her reply out quickly enough. “Brian loves children.”

  Brian fired back adamantly, “I do not.”

  With everyone at the table giving him a look, he explained, “I mean, I do like children. I’m not sure if I want to have any of my own.” He frowned. “What’s with the interview questions? We’re only dating.”

  After gazing uneasily at everyone at the table, Jillian took a big sip of wine. It was quickly going to her head.

  “We’re just trying to get to know her, dear.” Beverly smiled at him assuredly.

  Brian’s facial expression screamed he wasn’t buying it.

  Edward asked, “How is your son, Rob, dealing with this?”

  “He was a little upset at first, but I think he’s accepted it.”

  “It’s got to be a little off-putting to have your mother dating a man who’s only a few years older than you are.” Beverly looked her in the eye. “Oh, no offense dear.”

  “That’s… okay.” Jillian gave her an anxious smile.

  After grunting, Brian changed the subject. “We should all go to the Hot Grill while we’re here.”

  Jim smiled. “Definitely.”

  Looking at Jillian, Brian explained, “It’s this great place to get hot dogs and fries. The best hot dog you’ll ever taste.”

  “And we should play some tennis,” Jim said.

  “Jillian is a great tennis player. We actually met on the court.”


  Beverly gave Jillian a fake smile. “I hear you write pornography?”

  Brian stared at her, horrified. “She writes romance novels.”

  “Oh, sorry. I used the wrong word there.”

  “She’s a bestselling author,” Brian added proudly.

  “Wow, that’s wonderful. We don’t read a lot of fiction in this house,” Edward said.

  After polishing off the last of her wine, Jillian frowned as she looked down at her plate. “I’m not feeling very well.” Slowly, she raised her eyes until they met Brian’s. “I think I’m going to lie down for a few minutes.” Jillian got up and left the room.

  When she was out of earshot, Brian glared at his mother. “Mom, could you take it easy on her? Pornography! Come on.”

  “I simply misspoke. But any mention of premarital sex in a book automatically makes it pornographic in the eyes of our church.”

  Rising, Brian moved away from the table. He looked at his mother in disbelief. “It took a lot for her to come here. She’s trying to be friendly, and you’re being awful.”

  “She’s just so much older than you, dear.”

  “She not that much older!”

  “Fourteen years,” Edward added.

  “Thanks, Dad. We’re getting… We’re dating. Either, you can accept that and spend some time with us or continue to act like little children, and we’ll leave.”

  After Bev and Ed shared a look, they took bites of their food and smiled happily at each other, completely ignoring their son. Scowling at them, Brian waited a moment for a reply. When none came, he left the room.

  Inside the guest room, he found Jillian on the bed, but she didn’t seem to be that upset. After he closed the door, they shared a look that morphed into a smile. He sat on the bed next to her. She took his hand. “I understand how she feels.”

  “Yeah, okay, but she doesn’t need to be such a bitch about it.”

  “No, she doesn’t. Can I tell you something? Being here and something about the way your mother is treating me is… is really making me horny. Is that horrible?” She gazed at him with a hopeful look.

  “No, I feel the same way. We weren’t even allowed to masturbate in this house. They even took the locks off the doors to the bathroom and both our rooms.”