Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  Jillian said, “Victoria?”

  Caught up in her own thoughts, Victoria searched her mind. When Rob came, was he inside her, or was she giving him oral? She was pretty drunk, but… Then it came to her; she remembered the reverse cowgirl position. He was inside her, all right. And he could be the father. Although…

  “Victoria… Hey, Victoria?” Jillian called out.

  Victoria’s thoughts went to John as she tried to recall whether or not they had always used a condom during their brief, unsatisfying dates. She remembered they had and breathed a partial sigh of relief, since being confused about which one of two guys impregnated her was just a tad less slutty-feeling than having to throw a third into the mix.

  “Victoria?” Jillian repeated.

  Finally snapping out of it, Victoria looked at her. “What?”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Oh, sorry… I, uh…”

  Jillian rose from her chair. Rob did a quick adjustment and put everything away as his mother touched her friend on the shoulder with a concerned look. “You sure you’re okay?”

  Victoria gave her half a smile. “Yeah, sure. Just thinking about something.”

  “Do you want some water or something?”

  “No.”

  “Well, we can talk inside.”

  “Yeah, let’s…”

  “Anyone want another?” Jillian asked?

  As Jillian collected beer bottles, Victoria looked at Brian and thought, Okay so I’m either pregnant with his twenty-year-old brother’s baby or… Then she looked at Rob and found him wearing a goofy, “didn’t-we-fuck?” smile. Letting out a sigh, she whispered to herself, “Oh shit!”

  Once inside the women stood together in the kitchen. Jillian asked, “So what’s up?”

  Victoria paused. Originally, she was prepared to tell her, even to mention that Jim was the father, but now that she realized she could be giving birth to Jillian’s grandchild, she decided not to open this can of worms. “I, uh, wanted to ask when the book is coming out.”

  Jillian looked confused. “This is the private thing you wanted to—”

  “Yeah, I, uh, just didn’t want to bring it up in front of Rob, because you know, all the sex and stuff in the book, it’s just…”

  After narrowing her eyes even more, Jillian looked at her friend. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “I think I’m getting the flu or something.”

  “You want some tea?”

  Victoria nodded but then felt nauseated and rushed to the bathroom.

  A few minutes later, Jillian walked back to the pool with three beers and handed them out. Victoria followed her, holding her tea.

  They slipped back into their chairs, and Jillian said, “Rob’s moving to Orlando. He decided to take that job.”

  “Victoria, will you miss me?”

  “I will,” she said as she thought, Thank God!

  After taking a sip of tea, Victoria struggled to take her mind off everything. She smiled at Jillian. “So, you guys set a date yet?”

  Jillian said, “We’re thinking Christmas. And we’re leaning toward a little destination wedding. A cruise or maybe St. Barts.”

  “That doesn’t sound little. It sounds expensive,” Victoria said.

  “I mean, just a few close friends and family.”

  Rob leered at Victoria. “I vote for St. Barts. They have nude beaches there.”

  Brian took a sip of his beer and scoffed. “I think most of them are filled with old, naked men.”

  “Oh,” Rob said disappointed.

  Victoria put on a smile. “They both sound amazing. Just let me know what I can do to help.”

  Brian said, “I’ve got to check with Jim to see when his Christmas Break starts. If we go with the cruise, the one we’re interested in leaves December eighteenth. It’s twelve nights in the Caribbean.”

  “I’m still leaning toward St. Barts,” Jillian said as she and Brian shared a nod.

  Brian added, “Me too, but either way we’ll all need passports.”

  Jillian looked at Victoria. “Is your passport still good?”

  “No, I’ll need to get it renewed,” she replied. She thought, That’s the least of my problems. I’ll be huge by then. Six months pregnant on a nude beach in St. Barts with the two men I slept with less than one week apart? Sounds like fun. Looking down to her flat belly, she sighed.

  36

  Two days later, Victoria sat in the office of her OB/GYN. Doctor O’Reilly entered, wearing a cautious smile. “Well, you are definitely pregnant.”

  “How could this happen?”

  “You are sexually active.” He widened his eyes. “You’ve made me explicitly aware of that. In fact, I’ve never had a patient be so open and provide such intimate det—”

  “But you told me I couldn’t get pregnant.”

  “I never said that. I said it was highly unlikely. Think about it this way: winning the lottery is like a 1 in 80-million chance, but someone has to win—you won.”

  “I don’t feel like a winner.” She frowned. “Can you tell how far along I am?”

  “Yes. From the ultrasound, it appears you are between five and six weeks.”

  Looking to the ceiling, she attempted to process the timeline. She slept with Rob only once just about six weeks ago and Jim six days later, about three times a day for nearly a week. She gave him a desperate look. “I need to know if it’s five or six.”

  “I can’t narrow it down any more than that,” O’Reilly said apologetically.

  “Hmm.” She hesitated. “You see, um, I’m not exactly sure who the father is. There are two guys in that general time frame.” He looked at her without any show of surprise, and she said, “If you had to guess, what would you say?”

  After biting his lip, he shook his head. “My guess would be worthless, but you could take this new prenatal paternity test.”

  “Great, let’s do it,” she said beaming.

  “Hold on. You can’t do that until you’re twelve weeks.”

  Her smile faded. “There’s no danger to the baby with that test is there?”

  “With the old test there was a slight risk, but this new test is noninvasive. We just need a DNA sample from you and the two potential fathers.”

  “So you need a cheek swab or a toothbrush or—”

  “No, sorry—we need a blood sample.”

  She gave him a hopeful look. “You sure you can’t use semen? I can get semen.”

  “This test requires a blood sample.”

  “That might be a problem. I don’t want them to know. One’s in a relationship, and the other… Let’s just say it’s complicated.”

  After pausing for a moment, he gave her an odd look. “I just have to ask—how in the world can you secretly get a semen sample but not blood?”

  “Um…” She rubbed her chin. “I’m not exactly sure, but I have so much more experience with semen that I thought it might be easier to… you know…”

  He returned a matter-of-fact nod. “Well, if you wait until the child is born, then you can use a cheek swab DNA sample.”

  She pondered how to retrieve blood samples without her donors’ knowledge. There was no way she’d be able to wait until the baby was born.

  “So, do you have any other questions?”

  Victoria shook her head no and continued contemplating the problem.

  “Marci will give you a packet of information on foods to eat, things to avoid—that kind of thing, and I’ll see you back in four weeks.”

  Preoccupied, she nodded at him as she got up and slowly made her way to the door.

  At just about midnight at the Grayson home, Brian sat on the sofa, waiting. With Rob safely four hours away at his new apartment in Orlando, Brian was giving the Viagra he’d popped a few minutes earlier a chance to kick in. When he began to feel it happening, he stood, removed all his clothes, and slipped on the black outfit once again. He pulled his penis out of the fly, worked it until it was rock hard, and sl
ipped the black ski mask over his head. Jillian was upstairs, pretending to be asleep.

  Leaving the lights on the first floor, he walked past the front windows to the stairs. When he reached the fourth step, a loud banging on the door stunned him. He froze, nearly shitting in his super-tight black pants.

  From outside, a voice boomed, “I see you in there. Don’t move.”

  Standing still, Brian glanced down at his huge erection. It wasn’t going anywhere.

  The man outside banged loudly on the door again.

  Jillian, wearing only a robe, rushed into the hall and raced down the steps as the voice now screamed, “Police! Open up or I’ll break it down!”

  Jillian was a few steps from Brian when she yelled, “It’s okay! It’s—”

  Losing her balance, she bowled Brian over, and they both tumbled down the steps, ending up in a heap on the foyer floor. They heard the man slam into the door once, then a pause before he did it again, harder. After one last, louder thump, they heard the sound of the lock splintering through the wooden doorframe and the man’s loud footsteps.

  Brian, still dizzy from his fall and with Jillian slumped over him, looked up at the man. It was Officer Williams from across the street. Brian’s erection was sticking out plain as freaking day, and Jillian’s naked ass was poking out from under the robe. Brian followed Williams’s panic-stricken eyes as they traveled from his penis to Jillian’s exquisite rear. Suddenly, Williams smiled.

  “It’s Brian,” Jillian said.

  Pulling off his mask, Brian gave him an awkward smile before quickly placing the mask over the problem area.

  Jillian turned and saw Williams staring at her backside and quickly covered up.

  “Sorry about that,” Williams said sheepishly. He looked away nervously as Jillian and Brian sat up, both holding their heads in their hands, mortified.

  Shielding his eyes with his hand, Williams began, “I was taking out the trash, and I, uh, saw a man dressed in black with, um, you know…” He motioned to Brian’s groin. “It looked like… I thought you were being attacked.”

  She gave him an apologetic look. “It was a, uh, just this fantasy thing we were acting out. Crazy…”

  Brian sighed. “Could you please pick another fantasy? I don’t think I can do this again. Really—anything else. Anything…”

  THE END…

  FRIENDS WITH MORE BENEFITS

  1

  Brian Nash lay naked on the bed, rubbing his hands together impatiently while he craned his neck, struggling to peer into the bathroom. He sighed. “Come on.”

  Poking her head through the door, Jillian Grayson smiled. “Just a second.” She disappeared and called back to him, “Hey, did you send the prenup to your lawyer friend?”

  “No, I signed it. I trust you and I just want my birthday present.”

  “I really wish you’d have someone look it over.”

  “Please get out here so I can look you over.”

  She appeared in the doorway wearing a white lace teddy, her full breasts busting out of the top and her pink nipples showing through the sheer fabric. Standing there for his pleasure, she traced her fingertips over her breasts. “Do you like?”

  “I do.”

  “How does it feel to be twenty-seven?”

  He smiled. “Awesome, now.”

  Grinning, she slowly made her way over to him. “I’ve got a surprise for you—a couple actually.”

  “Really, what?”

  “One at a time.”

  He eyed her up and down, and his penis began growing as a result. “Is that new?”

  She nodded. “This is the first surprise.” She ran her hands down over the lace fabric and stopped between her legs. “It snaps way down here, if you need to open this up for some reason.”

  He swallowed hard. “That’s, uh, good to know.”

  Her eyes traveled down his lean, muscular body to his erection as she climbed on the bed. After sliding her tongue over her lips, she gasped, “Wow, you’re ready to go!”

  He nodded, as she knelt between his legs and took hold of him with both hands. Suddenly, his cellphone rang on the nightstand. “My mother said she’d call tonight.” He sighed. “She has the worst timing.”

  She gave him a sexy look. “It won’t bother me if you get it.”

  “If I don’t, she’ll keep calling and calling.”

  “I insist.” Her expression morphed into an evil grin.

  He answered the phone. “Hey, Mom.”

  Jillian chose that moment to engulf him in her mouth.

  He gasped softly. “Uh, what’s that?”

  She lifted her head and grinned at him, then began licking all around his thick head.

  “Oh, I’m having a good birthday. Just staying home tonight… Jillian? Yeah, she’s good.”

  Just then, Jillian took him deep into her mouth and sucked him hard. Brian said quickly in a cracking voice, “Actually, she’s great—she’s absolutely great… couldn’t be better.”

  Getting into a rhythm, Jillian’s eyes glazed over. It became more and more difficult for him to concentrate. “What… Yeah. Oh sorry, Mom. Can I call you back tomorrow? We’re just in the middle of a movie, and I want to see how it ends.”

  Jillian pulled up from him and stared into his eyes, as he said, “Okay, Mom… bye.” Putting the phone down, he widened his eyes. “What’s gotten into you?”

  “Whenever I think of your mother, I feel like really taking care of you.”

  “I wish she’d call more often.”

  Moving up beside him on the bed, she unsnapped the bottom of her teddy, and the front end retracted up, exposing her completely shaved parts. “Wow!” He exhaled deeply. “You shaved.”

  “It is your birthday.” She pulled the teddy up off her body and tossed it onto a nearby chair. Straddling his chest, she lifted up on her knees, eight inches from his chin. His eyes traveled down from her face to her breasts and settled between her legs.

  “The second surprise is in the pool.”

  Tearing his eyes away from her playground, he gave her a curious look. “Really, the pool? But where’s Rob?”

  “Out all night.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “I’m positive.” Dipping down, she moved her body to within a half an inch of his lips.

  His eyes returned to her beautiful parts and he sighed. “You, uh, don’t want to stay here?”

  “I think you’ll like what I have for you down there.”

  He extended his tongue to lick her, but just before he made contact, she pulled away and climbed off him. He gave her a sad look. “Hey.”

  “I bought a huge raft. I want to lay in it and float around the pool for like an hour while we do sixty-nine. It’s a big boat—it matches your big cock.”

  Leaning up on his elbows, he smiled at the compliment. “That sounds like fun.”

  “You go get in the boat and stay hard. I’ll be right behind you.”

  He rushed out to the pool, jumped into the water, and climbed onto the giant three-man raft. He lay there waiting with a goofy smile, while touching himself and gazing up at the beautiful starlit Miami sky. He heard the door open and close, then a splash in the pool. Seconds later Jillian grabbed the raft and poked her head up over the side to look at him.

  She grinned, and said in a bad English accent, “Has your boat sunk, dear sailor?” He glanced at her, confused, as she continued, “I’m a mermaid sent up from the bottom of the sea to save you.”

  “How exactly am I supposed to perform oral on a woman with a fishtail bottom?”

  She rolled her eyes. “I get my legs and everything as soon as I get out of the water. Just go with it, will ya?”

  “Okay.” After pausing, he took a shot at his own accent. “Why, yes… fair mermaid…” He stepped out of character. “Um, why the English accent?”

  “This thing just feels British to me.” Shrugging, she gave him a tired look.

  He cleared his throat. “Why yes, you are
a sight for sore eyes, for my boat has sunk, and I’m thirsty. I need a drink from your sweet quim.”

  She smiled brightly. “Quim—nice touch.”

  “Thank you.”

  She climbed up onto the raft, with her head toward his groin. They struggled to get into the right position and went to town. What started out silly soon became one of the hottest oral sex sessions they ever had. It didn’t last an hour, but instead a good thirty minutes. The warm night, the gentle waves, and the intense passionate oral sex left them panting and spent.

  As they lay back, floating lazily together, he said, “This is a keeper. We should put it in the regular rotation.”

  She began stroking his penis; it soon responded and was again at full size. She slipped her hands behind his balls and traced a finger over his perineum. “I’ve got one more surprise for you.”

  Closing his eyes, he melted with her touch and moaned. “Really? What is it?”

  “I want to do that thing to you that Victoria’s always raving about.” He knew instantly what she meant, and his face lit up at the thought of it. “But let’s take a bath first—a good bath.”

  After flopping out of the raft into the water, they swam to the edge of the pool and climbed out. Standing on the edge, he asked, “Where are the towels?”

  “Oh, shit. I forgot!”

  He shrugged, and they walked up to the back door. Turning the knob, he found it locked and sighed. “Again? No fucking way.”

  “It must’ve been locked when I pulled it closed.”

  He made a face. “Why’d you pull it closed?”

  She glared at him. “Well, I was rushing out here to put your penis back in my mouth, and I wasn’t thinking of much else.”

  “Sorry.” He sighed and moved to the right, checking windows to see if any were unlocked. She did the same to the windows on the left. They were, of course, all secure.

  They met back at the door, and she said, “I guess you’ll just have to go to Victoria’s to get the key.”

  “No way,” he grumbled. “I’m not walking through the neighborhood completely naked for the third time.”

  Her eyes brightened. “What about those clothes you hid out here in that plastic bag months ago?”