Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  Victoria finished up in the kitchen, then went into the bedroom and closed the door. Once in bed, she lay awake thinking. She felt good about letting Jim and Caroline stay with her. She thought she’d be able to handle it. It seemed like the right thing to do.

  She’d read that some women experience dramatically increased sexual desire during pregnancy. The article mentioned that it could last from a few short weeks to as much as seven months. Being an extremely horny woman to begin with, she feared the worst. Vowing to avoid sex throughout her pregnancy, she figured it would be pretty easy to pull off, especially since she had no prospects. She wanted to avoid the complications of starting a new relationship as her pregnancy started to show. Luckily, she was barely showing at all at this point.

  During the first few weeks, her sexual appetite seemed normal—for her anyway. However, over the last few days, she’d found herself fantasizing about every attractive man she laid eyes on. Now here she was alone in bed with her very attractive former lover and the probable father of her child in another bed, just a few feet from her; and he was most certainly having incredible sex with his gorgeous girlfriend. This wasn’t helping her situation. A slight miscalculation on her behalf, she realized.

  She found her body temperature was also off lately, always feeling either too hot or too cold. Now, she found herself horny, unable to sleep and way too hot. After turning out the light, she kicked off her covers, pulled off her nightshirt, and then moved her hand slowly down over her stomach until it came to rest between her legs. She touched herself gently at first, as she floated away, exhausted, in a dream or fantasy or…

  Victoria stood in the darkened hallway peering through the door at the young couple. Caroline was kneeling between Jim’s spread legs as he leaned back against the headboard, simply watching her as she slowly worked her mouth over his straining erection. Victoria watched closely as the young woman tenderly licked Jim’s engorged penis. His eyes were rolling back in his head, and his lids fluttered dreamily as Caroline worked over his throbbing manhood.

  Glancing to the door, he noticed Victoria watching them from the shadows. He gently patted Caroline’s arm. When she met his gaze, he pointed toward the door. After wiping her lips, she turned to see what he was looking at. When she spotted Victoria, she smiled and motioned for her to join them.

  Victoria moved through the door slowly as Caroline adjusted her position so she was lying off to the side of Jim. Glancing up to Victoria, she nodded with her lips parted and her fingers still wrapped around his shaft. Victoria slipped into bed on the other side of him as both women stared closely at his prize. Then their eyes met, and they moved slowly together for a gentle kiss with their chins hovering only an inch above his straining erection. Tilting to the side, Caroline guided their mouths down until his throbbing head was pressing against the sides of their lips. The women continued to make out with a random tongue slipping out occasionally to swipe at his rigid cock.

  He watched them breathlessly. It was the hottest thing he’d ever seen. After moving apart slightly, both women slid down in unison to lick him. Without blinking, he watched as they slipped down his full length and back up in perfect rhythm, leaving a shimmering trail of saliva along the way.

  Suddenly, Victoria woke in a completely dark room, torn from her vivid dream, covered in sweat. She felt around the bed expecting to find Jim and Caroline’s naked bodies next to her. When she didn’t, she panicked, reached for the nightstand and turned on the lamp. After glancing around the room for them, she shook her head and grinned, feeling silly. She turned off the lamp, curled up with her pillow and struggled to get back to sleep.

  4

  As Victoria’s dream fantasy was ending, the somewhat drunk Brian’s real life one had yet to begin. He showered, washing all of his important parts with soap three times and with body wash twice. After drying off, he appeared at the bedroom door sporting a sizeable woody. The thoroughly tipsy Jillian was lying in bed wearing a matching white lace bra and thong set.

  “What took you so long?” she asked.

  “I had things to wash.”

  Grinning, she got up on her knees. He slipped into bed in front of her. “You just lie down on your stomach and relax birthday boy. Let me take care of you.”

  He exhaled deeply as he lay down flat, his exhausted body melting into the sheets. Spreading her legs, she pressed her pussy onto his head as she leaned over and worked the muscles in his back. She moved lower to his ass cheeks; he spread his legs apart wide and groaned. Climbing over him, she sat on his shoulder blades as she leaned forward and placed tiny kisses along his thighs. He moaned and arched, lifting his hips higher. She glanced between his legs to his erection and his full, slightly hairy balls then smiled.

  “God, you’re so cute. I could just eat you up.”

  “Go right ahead.”

  Dropping her head to the mattress, she moved her mouth to within a quarter inch of his manhood. Her warm breath washed over it, causing him to shudder. Extending her tongue to him, she purred loudly as she went to work. Pressing down on his back, she shifted her hips back and forth simply enjoying the sensation between her legs. She tilted her head to the side, kissed his inner thigh and took a deep languid breath.

  Returning to her mission, she lifted up and ran her tongue slowly along his shaft until she reached his balls.

  “Oh, fuck,” he groaned.

  She moved back and forth, slowly licking him as he gripped the sheets tightly with fisted hands. After taking one last trip down his length, she let her tongue completely circle around his sack over and over again. He spread his legs wider. She slid her tongue gently along his hair-covered perineum, and he stopped breathing all together. She licked him harder, getting lost in the moment until she felt a hair in her mouth. Grimacing, she lifted her head up and reached into her mouth as she struggled to retrieve the random hair.

  Once free of the irritation, she glanced at the back of his balls and the tiny trail of hair that led to his little ass. Although she still found it adorable to look at, she discovered licking it was another story. Victoria had warned her about this possible hair issue, but she decided to give it another try anyway.

  Sliding back down, she planted tiny kisses all over his lower back. She moved to the cheeks of his firm ass and kissed them. Spreading his legs wider, he lifted his hips higher in anticipation. She stared down at him breathlessly, placed her tongue at his cleft and ran it slowly to his seam.

  “Oh, Goddddd,” he moaned clenching the sheets tightly in his fists.

  She swirled her tongue around his tight circle until she just couldn’t do it any longer. The hair was just too much. She pulled back until her chin was resting on his lower back. After pausing a moment to think, she covered her finger with saliva and placed it gently on his hole.

  “Oh, it feels so good when you… lick me there,” he whispered.

  She grinned. She didn’t intend to fool him, but if he thought that she was still doing it, well, that wasn’t the worst thing in the world. She kept her mouth just a few inches from him as she slowly ran a moist finger masquerading as her tongue gently around his forbidden hole.

  “Oh,” he cried out again.

  She reached down to his penis and took hold of it as she continued with her gentle tongue-like fingering.

  “Oh, Jillian.”

  Less than three minutes later, Brian experienced the orgasm of his life. For a long time, he lay there panting and struggling to recover, until he finally turned over and gave her a dizzied look.

  She slipped down to her spot, curling up on his chest. “Happy birthday.”

  He sighed and drew in a deep breath. “That was… amazing.”

  “You liked it?”

  He nodded and kissed the side of her head. “Do I need to wait a whole year before you do that again? Maybe we could do it on our wedding night.”

  She said, “Maybe,” as she thought, Do something about the jungle, and I’ll think about it.

 
The next morning, Victoria slipped out of the house early and left her guests a note, which read:

  I actually have food in the refrigerator, so eat whatever you want. I won’t be back until after one. Have fun.

  After climbing into her car, Victoria sent a text to Jillian to see if she could come over. In her reply, Jillian asked her to come around back and meet her out by the pool since the birthday boy was still asleep. As she started the car, John and Mary approached, walking a dog. Spotting her, they smiled. Victoria rolled the window down. “Hey, you two.”

  Mary said, “Great party last night. Sorry we had to leave early, but all that male nudity made me want to get to bed early—if you know what I mean.”

  “I do. I really do.” Victoria sighed. “Sorry we didn’t get much of a chance to talk last night. I was crazy busy.”

  “So how did that summer class go?” John asked.

  “It was very interesting. I actually learned a lot, and I’m looking forward to the fall semester.”

  “That’s great.”

  “So, how’s the team?”

  “We’re ranked number five in the country in the preseason polls. Things are looking good, and we’re hoping for a major bowl bid this year.”

  Victoria glanced down to the dog. “I didn’t know you had a dog. Did you just get it?”

  “No. Mary kind of got custody during the divorce, but now we’re one big happy family again.”

  They all shared a chuckle. John turned his attention to the dog as Mary smiled at Victoria. He said, “Mary, you really can’t tell she’s pregnant. She looks as spry as ever.”

  Victoria’s face dropped. She glanced down to her stomach and back up to John horrified. “Really how could you tell, I, uh—”

  “She began acting strangely so we took her to the vet. He confirmed it.”

  Confused, Victoria shook her head until she followed his gaze to the dog. A smile spread on her face. “Oh, congratulations.”

  “Thanks. She’s a purebred Golden, but we’re not quite sure who the father is. We didn’t breed her or anything… she just got out one day and, uh…”

  Victoria thought, There’s a lot of that going around lately!

  John smiled at her. “Hey, do you want one of the little ones when they’re born?”

  “Oh, God no,” she replied with a huge smile. They gave her a horrified dog-lover look, and she tried to repair the damage. “Oh sorry, I’m just not much of a… I’ve got my hands full at school and everything. No time.”

  “Well, if you know of anyone who might be interested, just let us know,” Mary said.

  Victoria nodded. “I think Brian loves dogs. I’ll ask Jillian. Maybe she’ll want to get him one as a wedding present or something.”

  “Okay, great,” John replied.

  After sharing goodbyes, they went on their way.

  Minutes later, Victoria entered the Grayson’s backyard through the gate and found Jillian sitting at the table drinking tea. Across from her was another steaming mug.

  Jillian smiled at her. “Thought you might want some tea.”

  Sitting down, Victoria warmed her hands around the hot cup. “Thanks.”

  “You want anything to eat?”

  “No.”

  “The party was a hit,” Jillian said.

  Victoria nodded in agreement. “He was a good sport.”

  “He was, almost too good… I wonder if he’s planning to get me back somehow?”

  “He could never pull it off without a lot of help.”

  Jillian’s eyes widened. “Hey, if he does come to you with some crazy plan, just go along with it and let me know—then we’ll really get him good.”

  Victoria smiled. “Deal.”

  After sipping from their teas, they shared an evil grin.

  Jillian said, “Thanks for letting Jim and Caroline stay with you. Things got a little loud around here last night.”

  Sitting up straighter, Victoria’s eyes brightened. “So did you?”

  Jillian looked away a moment and pursed her lips. “Sorta. I started and everything was good. I mean he’s adorable and everything, but…”

  “But what?”

  “He’s just a little too hairy to, you know.”

  Victoria gave her a knowing nod, “I thought there might be a problem. I asked him to show me, but he refused. He can be such a baby sometimes.”

  “Show you what?”

  “His ass,” Victoria replied nonchalantly.

  Jillian narrowed her eyes. “You asked him to show you his ass?”

  “Uh-huh.” Victoria nodded her head then sipped from her tea.

  Jillian said sarcastically, “And he refused. What a shock.”

  Victoria scowled. “You don’t understand. He’d just showed me his balls so it seemed like a natural progression to check out the rest.”

  “Oh.” After nodding matter-of-factly, Jillian took a sip of tea. Pondering that a moment, her face contorted. “But wait.”

  Victoria gave her a tired look as she prepared for the inquisition.

  Jillian asked, “He showed you his balls? When?”

  “When you forced him to sleep over. The morning after you agreed to marry him.”

  “Oh, oh… okay, but why?”

  Victoria exhaled deeply. “Okay, we were talking about sex, and I think he told me you put both of his balls in your mouth, under my suggestion, of course.” She widened her eyes as if waiting for a response. When there was none, Victoria asked, “Right?”

  “Um, yeah, that was your suggestion.”

  “So he told me how much he liked it, and I told him if he wanted more ball attention that he better make sure those boys were hair free.”

  “That makes sense,” Jillian mumbled to herself semi-convinced, but still a little taken aback.

  After taking a sip of tea, Victoria continued, “So then he reluctantly showed me. You know how shy he can be.” They made eyes at each other in agreement.

  “Well, when I inspected everything…” Victoria cringed. “Let’s just say I found he needed some work. I told him he was too hairy and that he could use a shave. I then asked to see the back of the boys and everything else, and he flat out refused.” She scoffed. “Can you believe it?”

  “That bastard,” Jillian said jokingly.

  Victoria glared at her. “Go ahead, make fun of me for trying to help. I know we’ve talked about going the whole ten yards there… Forgive me for trying to head off a problem, but I was right. You headed down the path and were a tad scared by the foliage, I take it.”

  Jillian nodded with her lips pursed. “Uh, yeah, maybe a little.”

  “I knew it was going to happen.” Victoria shook her head, disappointed. “What could’ve been a beautiful, unforgettable, mind-blowing moment, turned into a horror movie.”

  “Well, it wasn’t that bad. I just pretended to keep going.” Victoria gave her a confused look, and she elaborated, “I, uh, let my wet finger stand in for my tongue and he seemed to not know the difference.”

  “Good thinking. I’m proud of you,” Victoria said with a smile.

  “Thanks. I think I might be able to do it again if he takes care of the problem. He’s so cute, and he seems to really enjoy the attention back there.”

  “All men do,” Victoria began smugly. “Most are too homophobic to admit it… not to mention too freaking lazy to keep that area—let’s just say visitable.”

  “Visitable?”

  “Yeah, visitable. It’s a word, I think.” Victoria said defensively.

  They both broke into a chuckle. After Jillian composed herself, she shook her head, wearing an odd look.

  Victoria asked, “What is it?”

  “I can’t believe he showed you his balls. You can get people to talk about and obviously do things that no one else can.”

  “I don’t get what the big deal is. For example, if I needed you to look at my ass because I couldn’t see it or needed another opinion, you would do it, right?”

&nbs
p; Opening her mouth to speak, Jillian had nothing and instead gave her half a nod.

  Victoria continued, “Like if I wanted your opinion on whether or not I should have my anus bleached, you would check it out and tell me, right?”

  Jillian looked at her hesitantly. “You’re not going to ask me to look at your ass this morning are you?”

  “No, but we should totally go in together to have that done.”

  “What?”

  Victoria rolled her eyes. “Have our anuses bleached.”

  Jillian frowned. “I’ll give it some thought and let you know.”

  “You should. If we end up on the nude beaches of St. Barts, you’re going to wish it was bleached.”

  “Good point.”

  Victoria took another sip of tea and gave her friend a serious look. “Speaking of St. Barts… Do you think you could move the wedding up a bit? I sorta have a conflict.”

  “Really, what’s that?”

  “I’m going to be really, really not nude-beach worthy come late December.” In response to Jillian’s completely lost look, Victoria continued, “I’m, uh… I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’m, well, I’m… pregnant.”

  After laughing, Jillian took a sip of tea. “No, really why can’t, uh—”

  Looking at her with a completely straight face, Victoria nodded.

  With her eyes wide, Jillian choked on her tea, coughing and covering her mouth. After placing her mug on the table, she recovered and looked at Victoria in shock. “You’re pregnant?”

  “Yeah, I am,” she replied a little sadly.

  “I…” Jillian moved to the edge of her seat. “So when did this happen?”

  After performing some quick math in her head, Victoria padded a few weeks on to clear Jim. “About nine weeks ago.”

  “Wow, I can’t believe…”

  “I know. I don’t know how it happened. I thought I couldn’t get pregnant.”

  “Is it Jim’s?”

  “No way. I, uh, said nine weeks. I was already pregnant when we met. I just didn’t know it.”

  “So whose is it?”

  Victoria took a deep breath. “It’s John’s.”