Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

“Uh, sure.”

  “Awesome. Keep your phone on you. I might be calling.”

  About two hours later, Rob was in his apartment watching television and finishing his sixth beer when his phone rang. Checking the display, he saw it was Carl.

  “Hey, Carl.”

  “Rob, she wants to meet you. Can you come down?”

  “Sure.”

  “We’re in the party room—you remember where the Bachelor party was.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Hurry down here, dude. Oh and the combination to the lock is seven-one-six-seven. You got it—seven-one-six-seven?”

  “Okay.”

  Five minutes later, Rob dialed the combination into the door lock and went inside, carrying an ice-cold beer. He found a naked young woman lounging on the chaise with Carl kneeling down and having sex with her. He was fully clothed except for his thin penis, which hung out of his fly. The woman he was having sex with was gorgeous, but appeared to be a bit uninterested.

  “Yo, Rob,” Carl said without skipping a beat. “Come in.”

  Spotting Rob, the woman instantly perked up. She gazed at him while licking her lips and moaning. Rob walked in slowly. He was mostly creeped out, but a little turned on as he watched the woman suddenly seem to enjoy the sex that had been boring her just moments ago.

  “Rob, this is Daphne. Daphne, this is the guy I was telling you about.”

  “Nice to meet you, Rob.” She gave him a sexy smile.

  “Good to meet you also.”

  After pulling out of Daphne, Carl walked over to the counter without bothering to cover up. “You want to do a line?”

  Rob stammered, “Uh, no… thanks.”

  Carl bent over the counter, snorted, then lifted back up and rubbed his nose. He looked at Rob for a moment, dizzied, before returning to Daphne. Falling onto his knees, he slipped back inside her and began moving his hips.

  Daphne turned to Rob with a smile. “I feel like sucking a big cock. Do you feel like getting your big cock sucked?”

  He really did, and she was hot, but this was a little weird. After pausing to mull it over, he shrugged. With the booze clouding his generally lax judgment, he unzipped his fly and pulled out his manhood. After taking a big sip, he placed his beer down on a stool next to the chaise. She stared at his penis with her eyes wide for a moment before reaching out to touch it. Opening her mouth wide, she swallowed him whole. Rob felt Carl’s eyes on him as Daphne worked her magic mouth over him.

  “Oh, God,” Rob moaned as he leaned his head back with his eyes closed.

  Carl’s phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and took the call while still pumping away. “Okay, I’ll be right there.”

  She wrapped her lips around Rob’s erection as Carl pulled out and walked to a door just ten feet from them. Carl fumbled with his keys as he looked back at the two of them, completely captivated by the live oral sex show. He tried to put the key in the lock but dropped the set to the floor. After retrieving the key, he unlocked the door.

  He opened the door and stood with his back against it as he returned his attention to the busy pair. Groaning, Rob looked up to the ceiling as Daphne sucked him harder and harder.

  Carl grabbed a box and placed it against the door to prop it open, then he glanced down to his still exposed manhood, opened his pants and uncomfortably tucked it away. He walked to a large, secure-looking steel door at the back of the room. He pressed a button and the door began to rise up.

  Rob glanced to the left inside the propped door and spotted what looked to be a door to a giant safe. It was bright steel and looked like a bank vault; he moved away from Daphne for a better look. After glaring up at him, annoyed, she adjusted her position. She returned to his balls just as the door opened fully and two uniformed security guards each wheeled out a hand truck carrying three large crates.

  Carl looked back to Rob, gave him a thumbs up, and Rob responded to the gesture with a weak smile.

  The two guards, along with Carl, stood in the doorway watching the act, grinning and quietly commenting. Daphne glanced at them, smiled then moved until her ass was high in air, pointed directly at the three spectators. While Carl and the guards gazed dreamily at her, Rob noticed that the guards were both armed. He didn’t see any markings on their uniforms to indicate what company they worked for.

  Rob returned his attention to Daphne as she sucked him back into her mouth and continued her work. He glanced up to the doorway every few seconds and eventually saw the guards leave and Carl push the button for the door to close.

  Daphne pulled away from him, took a big sip of Rob’s icy cold beer, then plunged her frozen mouth over him again. Gasping, his mouth flew open. He breathed in deeply. When he recovered, he glanced back through the door to Carl who now stood in front of the safe, dialing in the combination on the huge mechanism. Carl pushed down the handle and pulled open the heavy door just as Daphne pulled away from Rob. “Carl, get back here. I need you.”

  Rob watched as Carl paused, looking into the safe, then frowned and returned his attention to Daphne. After shrugging, he reached into his pants and pulled out his penis. He stroked it as he headed back toward the room. Stopping in the doorway with one hand still working his manhood, he used his other hand to slide the box that was holding the door open.

  As Carl rushed back to her, the door closed slowly, but the box was still in its path. The door pushed the box; sliding it against the doorframe and leaving the door open about a foot. Carl was oblivious as he focused his full attention back on Daphne.

  She guided Rob back to his original position as Carl resumed his place and slipped inside of her. She groaned.

  With his curiosity piqued, Rob watched as Carl glanced over, briefly narrowing his eyes with apparent concern at the open door. Rob then saw Carl seemingly put it out of his mind as he returned his attention to Daphne.

  A few minutes later, after both men had finished, Rob zipped up as Carl headed back to the counter for another line. Rob took the opportunity to walk around the far side of the chaise lounge, closer to the partially open door. He peered into the room through the open safe. Inside, he spotted two stacks of gold bars approximately two feet wide by two feet high by two feet deep. He did a quick count of three bars across, seven bars deep, and it looked as if it were about ten bars high.

  After glancing back to Carl and finding him still occupied, he returned his attention to the safe to discover a stack of hundred dollar bills in an even larger block. Shocked, he rushed away from the door before Carl turned around.

  Daphne said she was ready for round two, but Rob said he was too drunk and was feeling sick. Both Carl and Daphne gave him disappointed looks as he left the room. Rob slumped against the wall just outside the room. His heart was pounding, and it wasn’t from the professional-quality oral sex he’d just enjoyed.

  16

  Jillian woke up early and began writing. Brian slept in since he was currently unemployed. After two hours of writing erotica, she found herself completely horny, wet and, for the first time on a weekday, she had somewhere to turn. Grinning, she headed upstairs. When she walked into the bedroom, he was walking out of the bathroom, naked and drying his hair with a towel.

  “Oh, good you’re clean.”

  “Why?”

  “I feel like blowing you.”

  “Writing again?” He shot her a fake frown.

  “Do you have to make that same joke every time?”

  “Sorry, I’ll stop.”

  Walking up to him, she took his penis in her hand. It was already growing before she touched it. “You don’t have to stop. I still think it’s cute, but it’ll probably wear thin pretty soon.” She kissed his chest as she massaged his manhood.

  “Purely out of curiosity, what were you writing about?”

  “A scene where this couple has sex on a raft floating in the pool.”

  “Hey, we’ve done that.”

  “I know.” She cupped his balls as she wiggled her hips. “I kinda f
eel like riding you.”

  “Really?”

  “I do.”

  He rubbed his chin, pausing for a moment. “You know what we haven’t done in a while?”

  “What?”

  “Everything…” He widened his eyes, waiting.

  “Last time we tried that it wasn’t good, remember?” Cringing, she exhaled sharply. “I was in pain for a week.”

  “I know, I think I was a little too… enthusiastic. I slipped or something.”

  “Uh-huh.” She frowned. “Well, you can just slip through the front door this time.”

  “Alright, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try again at some point.”

  Taking a step back from him, she gave him a distasteful look. “Why are you men so obsessed with that?”

  “I’m not obsessed.” He raised his palms up defensively.

  Cocking her head, she gave him a look.

  He conceded the point with his eyes. “Okay, maybe I’m a little extra… curious.”

  “Well…” She shook her head. “I’m off that for a while. A long while.”

  He shrugged. “Okay, you know, I enjoy every part of you so I’ll just focus on those other parts.”

  “Good.” Leaning in, she pressed her lips to his. He cupped her right breast as she slid her hand down his chest. Suddenly, the doorbell rang and she sighed. “Who is that?”

  “Maybe they’ll go away.”

  “I hope so.” She kissed him again and wrapped her fingers around his shaft.

  He moaned, placing his hands on her neck and sliding his tongue between her lips.

  The doorbell rang again twice more and she pulled away, rolling her eyes. “Keep it hard. I’ll be right back.”

  She headed for the door and turned back. Pausing, she gave him a sexy look. “Maybe I’ll even let you lick me for a while.”

  “Hurry back.” He smiled.

  She rushed to the foyer with her mind wandering and heat boiling up in her loins. When she opened the door, she found a young man standing there.

  “Are you Jillian Grayson?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  He handed over a large envelope. “Have a nice day,” he said as he turned and walked away.

  Five minutes later, Brian was in bed tugging occasionally at his manhood, simply following Jillian’s orders. After glancing at the clock for the fourth time, his concern was growing. He was just about to go look for Jillian when she appeared in the door, wearing a frown.

  “Where were you? I can’t keep it hard forever.”

  She shook her head confused then muttered, “What?”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m being sued.”

  “For what?”

  “Over the novel. Natalie claims that I created a character based on her without her permission. She’s suing me for defamation and invasion of privacy.”

  “What?” He asked as he continued stroking his erection without thinking.

  “Your ex-girlfriend is suing me and my publisher for four million dollars.”

  “Holy shit. How can she sue? The legal team cleared you, right?”

  “Yes. I guess anyone can sue anyone these days.”

  He nodded in agreement, while gazing at her wide-eyed, with his penis maintaining its impressive state.

  She glared down to it. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “I’m, uh…” He gave her a sheepish grin. “Do you still want to…”

  After giving him a tired look, she turned and headed toward the door.

  “How about just a quickie, you know, to take your mind…” His words trailed off when she was out of sight. He groaned, “Fucking Natalie.”

  Jillian called the publishing company and asked for the vice president of her division. She reached the VP’s assistant instead. “Debra’s in a meeting. Can I take a message?”

  “It’s Jillian Grayson.”

  “Oh, Miss Grayson. We’ve actually been trying to reach you. Let me transfer you to the conference room.”

  Once connected, Jillian heard, “Jillian. I’ve got you on speaker. We’ve got Howard and Melissa from legal along with Dan Peterson, the company president. We’ve been discussing the lawsuit.”

  “Hey, Dan.”

  “Jillian,” Dan replied. “I’m so sorry about this.”

  “So who is this Natalie Brookhart? Do you actually know her?” Debra asked.

  Jillian paused in confusion. “Yeah.”

  “How?”

  “Well she’s the ex-girlfriend of my fiancé.”

  “Why is this the first we’re hearing about this?” Dan asked.

  “Wait. You guys know all about this. Albert told me everything was cleared through legal.”

  “Who’s Albert?” Dan asked.

  “Her agent,” Debra replied and said louder, “Jillian, we don’t have anything on this. We’re completely blindsided here.”

  “There must be some mix-up. Albert had all the information. He told me he submitted it to legal and—”

  “Look, Jillian, this is the first we’re hearing about any of this,” Dan said. “Just tell us whether the character in your novel was based on this woman or not?”

  “Well, yes, but…”

  “Jillian, this is Howard Adams. Are we correct when we assume that you do not have a signed authorization from her?”

  “Uh, no, I—”

  “So is it loosely based on this Miss Brookhart?” Debra asked.

  “We changed her name and the college, but everything is based on true events,” Jillian replied.

  “So the question is would a reasonable person be able to determine that the character is based on her?” Melissa asked.

  “I don’t think so,” Jillian said.

  “So the cover picture of the ballerina. We assume Miss Brookhart cannot put herself into that position.”

  “She can. That cover was Brian’s idea,” Jillian replied nervously and quickly regretted mentioning him.

  “Who’s Brian?” Dan asked impatiently.

  “Her fiancé,” Debra answered. “The technical virgin thing, now that’s all your creation, I assume?”

  After five seconds of silence, Debra asked, “Jillian, are you there?”

  “I’m here.”

  “The virgin thing?”

  Jillian sighed. “That’s all her, too. That’s even her name for it. It’s all true, as far as my son and Brian have told me.”

  In the conference room in New York, Howard, Melissa, Debra and Dan sat around the small table with the speakerphone in the center. Everyone looked shocked.

  “Your son?” Dan asked loudly.

  Jillian said, “Yes, he was dating her for a while, as well—secretly and behind Brian’s back. You see Brian kind of fell for Natalie when he saw her do the thing they all called the leg thing. She was known around campus for this particular move and—”

  “Isn’t that the title of the novel, as well?” Dan interrupted.

  “Yes, that was Bri—I mean yes it is.”

  “I do like the title,” Debra said.

  After glaring at Debra, Dan said in an accusatory tone, “So you stole the title from her as well.”

  “I did not, I mean…”

  Dan sighed. “Let me see if I have all of this straight. You based a character completely and wholly on a young woman who was not only dating your son, but also your fiancé. The cover image is a picture of a unique ballet move that Miss Brookhart is known for. Oh, and you also used a title that anyone who knows Miss Brookhart would immediately identify with her.”

  The four waited with their heads cocked for her reply.

  After five seconds, Jillian said, “Well when you say it all like that it sounds kind of bad, but…”

  With the lawyers in the room holding their heads, Dan and Debra shot each other looks while shaking their heads.

  “Okay.” After letting out a long slow breath, Dan shrugged. “The good news is that it’s selling very well. So in the event that we’re requir
ed to offer a settlement in the six-figure range we still might break even—”

  Back in Miami, a switch went off in Jillian’s mind. She interrupted, “I will not give that money-grubbing whore a penny.”

  She glanced up to find Brian standing before her with his eyes wide. After shrugging her shoulders, she returned her attention to the phone.

  “Please tell me you don’t use language like that in the book referring to Miss Brookhart,” Howard said.

  Jillian’s voice took on a defensive tone. “Uh, there might be something along those lines in there.”

  Debra said, “I think I remember the phrase, anal whore in reference to the Rebecca character.”

  “Thank you, Debra,” Jillian said in a tired voice.

  Dan scolded, “Look Jillian, don’t speak to anyone about this. Don’t give any interviews. Don’t use the term anal whore, and don’t even mention Miss Brookhart’s name.”

  “This makes absolutely no sense. My agent assured me he had the clearance from legal.”

  “We never gave it. You’ll need to discuss that with him,” Dan said.

  Howard said, “Regardless, Miss Grayson, I assure you that without a signed release from Miss Brookhart, this office would not have given clearance for this novel. And given the nature of terms like anal whore… I would venture a guess that Miss Brookhart would never have signed such a release.”

  Dan added, “We’ll look at all our options and get back to you.”

  The line went dead.

  Pulling the phone from her ear, Jillian turned to Brian with her mouth wide open.

  He softly asked, “Do you want some wine or something?”

  “Make it a martini.”

  He took off toward the kitchen.

  With her blood pressure rising, she dialed another number.

  “Albert Blair’s office,” the receptionist said upon answering.

  Skipping all pleasantries, Jillian said curtly, “Get him for me… I don’t care if he’s in with Barack Obama discussing the president’s next children’s book. Put me through now.”

  Seconds later, Albert picked up the call, “Jillian, what—”

  “The publisher and I are being sued by Natalie Brookhart.”

  “Really?”

  “I just got off the phone with Debra and Dan. The lawyers were there and said that you didn’t inform them about any possible legal issues related to the Rebecca character.”