by M R Field
“I pretended being only your friend was enough. I knew I was too young to have anything more, despite knowing even then that I loved you more than anyone else possibly could.”
Cole sucks in a breath and stares at me, his eyes wounded. “Letty, you need to understand. My head was all messed up. I didn’t know what to think.”
“I forgave you for being mean to me before Kevin died. I let you back in. My heart couldn’t do otherwise. It was connected to you. Always. I was a stupid fool who kept coming back for more. And I know”—I point to my own chest—“that if you had spoken to me, confided in me, even if it was a screaming match, I would’ve been stupid enough to understand and forgive you. But you grew distant and treated me like shit. For what? Guilt? Pride? Well, fuck your guilt and fuck your pride.”
“You think I didn’t suffer? That how I treated you didn’t eat me up?” he roars. “I couldn’t see past it. My grief fucked me, and I focused my energy on the wrong source. All I kept thinking was if I’d been there, I could’ve done something—anything—and he’d still be here.” His voice breaks, his eyes cutting back to mine, and I tremble under the intensity of his gaze. “I am so fucking sorry, Letty. I’d started pushing you so far away that I couldn’t see how I could get you back. I was clouded by grief and stupidity. Every day it haunted me. You say I knew you, but you knew me, too. You saw into my soul. But my dad’s death destroyed me. I was drowning in guilt, and it took ages to resurface and become myself again.”
I can feel his pain. Every word stabs deeper into my chest, and my heart beckons for me to reach forward, but the thought of touching him makes my stomach churn.
“It still didn’t stop me from questioning what I had done. It was never me. It was always you.” I inhale, struggling to hold back my emotions. “You held a piece of me so sacred that even when you weren’t part of my life, I held you there. Now, you have me doubting my own art.” My heart pummels against my chest in anguish. I feel betrayed. I feel lost. And now him buying my pieces felt like an act of pity. My mind flickers to another distant memory of that night that suddenly resurfaces.
“That night, I saw you throwing something over the cliff.” I lift my chin to stare at him. “What was it?”
“Letty.…” He looks down at his shoes. I need him to tell me, knowing with all my soul his next words will break me.
“I blamed you. I hated you so much. I wanted to destroy the last thing that made me happy. So I threw the shell that I found you that day.”
And with that, I feel every part of my heart bleed and shatter into pieces. Those shells were symbolic of us. They connected us and, in his anger, he destroyed them. The grand gesture of love was destroyed.
“You were the reason I believed in grand gestures. The boy who I grew up with, who saw me for who I was. I hoped that when I was finally old enough, you’d see me. You’d finally be with me.” The prickle of hot tears fills my eyes. “A man who truly loved me”—I take a deep breath to help calm my flickering heart—“would never make me feel so worthless. I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I’m sick of others choosing my fate. I need to start doing this on my own.”
“Letty.” Cole steps forward, his voice desperate.
“I cannot forgive you for this. No, we’re done. With us. Work. Everything. I quit it all. Two weeks, and you’ll never see me again. You can go back to being that fucking arsehole I know all too well. It’s the least you can do.”
“Fuck, no, Letty—.” He steps forward, but I hold my hand up.
“Not a fucking chance. You need to leave me alone. Don’t call.”
“I can’t, Letty. I’m in lo—.”
“Do not finish that sentence. Those shells I kept were sacred to who you were to me. Before you changed. Now, they’re tarnished. You’ve made them empty.”
His shoulders stiffen as he stares down at me. I lift my hand to swipe the tears that begin to fall away. I bend down and remove my heels in a mad fury, desperate to get away from him.
“Goodbye, Cole.” My voice wavers, and I run past him, scared that if I turn back, I’ll give in.
“Letty,” he calls out, but it just makes me pick up speed. I continue to run, knowing the steps behind me are his. I scream for him to leave me alone, as tree branches seem to reach out at me, as if I’m in a twisted horror film. The wind blows, as my dress catches on the fringe of a branch, and I hear a tear. It doesn’t stop me, though. I run through the bushes. I run along the path that we used as kids to take us to our place. I run as fast as I can from it, from him, to block it all. Tears blur my vision, but I keep running.
I’m a white spectre as I run past the tables, avoiding the calls out to me. I feel like a torn, broken Cinderella.
“Do not follow me!” I warn Cole, who’s been one step behind me all this time.
I race to my car, unlock it, and peel out of the driveway so fast that a dust storm is left by my tyres.
As I lie in bed, tears soak through my pillow. I whisper, “Grand gestures don’t exist.”
I whisper it over and over, ignoring incoming calls from Cole as Piper lies next to me, rubbing my back.
“Either way,” I say, my face wet from all the hurt. “I’m going to see Odette, whether Henri likes my art or not.”
Cole
Twelve years ago
“Jump!” Letty taunts.
“No, you jump!” I throw back, staring down at the swirls of the blue ocean, trying as hard as I can to not look like I’m petrified. Keep your cool, man.
“You don’t have to come.” She reaches up and adjusts her hair-tie, a tendril falling to the side of her face.
I freeze for a moment, transfixed by her movements. She’s fourteen, you fucking pervert. Maybe I should go back and help Dad like I’d promised I would. But I can’t. Not with her here.
I cough to clear my throat and look back down, as the jump seems a safer option than staring at her. This past summer has seen our friendship change, and I don’t like what I am feeling. This is Letty, a kid I used to throw in the sea, not looking like a kid anymore. Sure, we are four years apart, but they’ve seemed like four decades until recently. I thought most fourteen-year-olds were meant to look like shapeless sticks.
Not Letty. Nope, Mother Nature decided to kick in. Her body is changing and, unfortunately, my treacherous eyes are soaking in every inch. Does she have to wear the blue one-piece? Couldn’t she have left her shirt and shorts on? Are her eyes always this blue?
There are rare moments when we find ourselves together, just us. I’ve been keeping my distance, busy with girls from school. But if I am going to be honest, it is because things feel different between Letty and I, and the only way to deal with that is to push her away. I’ve pushed away so much, but it is only time until I find my way back to her.
“You can use the stairs.” Her voice breaks through my thoughts. “I’ll dive down and meet you at the caves.”
She bends down and tucks her T-shirt and shorts into my beach bag, and I find a really interesting blade of grass to look at rather than her legs. She’s a young teenager, and both Dad and her dad would kill me on sight for this.
“No, it’s fine.” I force bravado into my voice. “You’re acting like I’ve never done this before. I’ve done this more times than you, kiddo.”
Our eyes meet, and her eyebrow rise in suspicion. I know what she’s thinking. You’re full of it, Cole. I kick off my shoes, rip my T-shirt over my head, and hope like hell we get this over and done with soon. Don’t scream like you did last time, dude. Hold it together.
I shake my shoulders and swing my arms as if I’m going into a boxing match, as Letty laughs beside me.
“C’mon, chicken,” she taunts. “Do you need me to hold your hand?”
“Nope.” I stop swinging and look at her. Every emotion is worn like a tapestry on her cheeks. The brightness in her eyes, the mirth in her lips—she beams of happiness. She’s unguarded when we’re together. A tightness clamps in my chest as I reali
se that the feelings I’m carrying are getting stronger. For months, I’ve been shutting her out and missing these moments. But now, if she tells me to jump into a fire pit, I will. I’d follow her anywhere. All for that smile or twinkle in her eye.
“Right.” She blinks heavily, and I’m reminded of my fear. We both turn to face the edge, my movements robotic compared to her fluid ones. “On the count of three.”
“Let’s do this!”
“One….” I step closer to the edge.
“Two….” I take a deep breath, and her hand clasps mine, knowingly.
“Three!”
We both leap into the air, and I completely ignore the promise that I made myself. I scream like a fucking hyena until the cold depths of the ocean catch us, Letty’s adrenaline-charged laughter following me. Her warm hand around mine tightens, binding us together.
We spend the afternoon in and out of the water, exploring the caves and kicking our legs into the blue depths when we sit on the edge of the cavern. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this relaxed. I turn and look up toward the cliff edge and wonder why I tortured myself when the stairs to the beach were only a short distance away.
“What’s so funny?” Letty asks, nudging me with her hip.
“Just questioning my sanity,” I say, standing up slowly and holding onto the roof of the cave to avoid hitting my head on the coarse rock. “I’d have had less chance of potentially breaking my neck if I took the path.”
“True, but the jump is more fun.”
I bend down and walk through the cave, moving to the taller point of the cave so I can stand.
“Plus, you’ve got no problem with being fast; I’ve seen you racing your bike. You just don’t like being out of control.” Her voice echoes. It feels like she’s right next to me.
“Got me figured out, huh?” I say, as her shadow emerges and she joins me. A tinge of red splashes her cheeks.
“Not really, just a guess,” she says quietly, gazing at the roof’s surface as it catches the light from outside. She’s spent more time staring at it than anything else. I wonder for a moment what she means when something catches my eye. I move closer, shifting my feet carefully across the rock edges until a few abalone shells come into view. I reach down, pick up two, and stand when a piece from one falls out.
“Bugger, this one’s broken.” I hold it up, the aquamarine colours flowing through the shell. The other similar one is intact.
“They’re both beautiful.” Letty reaches me, and I see her eyes light up. I think of how many she’s
collected over the years; a sense of pride warms my chest, as I know many have been from me.
“This one isn’t broken.” I hold it out for her.
She takes it willingly and turns it out in her hands, and I watch her studying it. “It’s gorgeous.”
“I’m gonna chuck this one. Don’t you have five of these anyway?” I turn it over in my hands, but her fingers reach up to touch it.
“Probably, but a girl could use more.”
“There’s a piece missing,” I hold it up and show her the place where a triangle-shaped hole has been made. I look down at my feet and see the piece that broke away. I reach for it and bring it to the shell. It fits perfectly. “What a shame. It’s a pretty neat shell.”
“It’s perfect.” Letty’s voice lifts in wonder. She hands me the unbroken shell to grab the broken one and its piece. She slides the piece in and stares at it. “There’s perfection even in imperfection.”
Her lips form a small smile. She can even see the beauty in something broken. I wonder what she sees when she looks at me?
Wait, why does it matter to me? She’s too young, and my dad would hate the way I feel about her.
Her fingers cradle the shell adoringly, while I think she’s just plain adorable. The loose piece falls into the centre of the shell, and she uses her free hand to chase the edges, tilting it up to catch the light.
I watch her, and my heart kicks up a notch. Stop noticing her. Stop staring at the awe in her eyes, stop enjoying her fascination as she follows the movement of light across the shell’s surface. What am I doing?
She catches me looking and turns her head away quickly. “Maybe I’m getting too old to be collecting shells,” she muses, misinterpreting my staring.
“Never,” I say quickly, “Why stop over double digits? You’re on the home stretch.”
“I’m going to take this one home.” She smiles eagerly. “Put the other one back if you want.” She moves toward the exit of the cave, but I don’t lower the unbroken shell.
“Nah, I’ll keep this just in case you change your mind,” I joke, but I know she won’t. Instead, I’ll keep it for another day and surprise her.
Later, when we reach the edge of the path leading to my house, I battle with how I feel. Her hand naturally slips into mine for support, yet it feels like so much more. I need to talk to Dad. Someone. I know she’s too young, I’m not stupid, but I need to know what to do.
Red lights flicker in the distance, and I see a group of people shadowing a white, familiar
vehicle. An ambulance. Fuck. Dread rises up my spine as my feet move, each step pounding into the ground until I reach the moment where I can no longer think or feel.
“Your dad … has died … heart attack.…” My mum’s voice breaks.
A shallow emptiness begins to form. Where my feelings once lay, guilt and blame slowly leak in. I can’t look at her.
This is the universe’s way of telling me that it was a big mistake.
Red brake lights shine in the distance, as I watch the tyres burn up the driveway.
“Fuck!” I shout, my hands curling into fists by my sides. My chest tightens, knowing how fucked I am and how stupid it is of me to not tell her sooner. Her face was so hurt. That is all on me. Why the hell didn’t I explain this earlier?
“Cole,” Parker calls out, but I wave my hand behind me to keep him back. I can’t even turn to look at him. My eyes are still trained on empty road, the night shadowing the path so I can’t even see the dust she left behind. Thank God she wasn’t drinking, otherwise I’d freak even more.
“What happened, man?” Parker’s voice softens in concern, and my shoulders rise and fall. Now, here comes the cavalry to interrogate my stupidity.
“I fucked up,” I growl, lowering my eyes to my shoes, turning my toe into the grass to kick the blades.
“I’m going to ignore that language,” Mum scolds, and I feel ready to explode. “You need to go after her.”
She arrives by my side, and my skin prickles in aggravation. Her drinks have obviously made her numb to reality and slightly amnesic.
“What’s going on?” Bernadette arrives, and my foot moves—fuck the grass—and I kick at it more savagely. I don’t need a fucking family reunion right now.
“He’s going to ruin the lawn after all the work I’ve put into it!” Mum shrieks. I stop my foot thrashing the ground.
“She’s left, as I hadn’t had that important chat with her yet. The one I was meant to have. Not you.” I flatten my foot against the ground, as I struggle to hold my tongue from really attacking. So the bubbles make her a little vacant, too. “Can’t a guy kick some grass and mope in his misery?”
“Not on my watch you can’t! You’re a grown man, Cole,” Mum reminds me, unnecessarily. “I didn’t realise you hadn’t told her, and was just trying to help.”
“Going after her while she’s this mad isn’t going to work,” I snap. “I’ll give her some space, and then we can sort it all out.”
She touches my lower back to soothe me, but all I want to do is destroy the ground beneath me. I press my toes into my shoes, flattening them against the grass even more. I shift away from her touch before I lower my hands to the back of my head, willing a time machine to appear.
“She deserved to hear it from me,” I growl, lowering my hands to look down at her. “Your meddling has gone too far. It wasn’t your place.”
Her head flinches in shock at my outburst. I don’t blame her, as I never yell at her about anything. My stomach twists in knots, as I try to ignore another pang of guilt. I have Letty on my mind, and she is all I’m concerned about. Everyone else can deal.
“Cole,” Parker warns. “I can see you’re pissed, but whatever this is over, you can back off Mum now. You can go back to being a prick another day. Not tonight.”
I tug at my collar, willing myself to calm down, but I’m approaching my limit of giving a fuck.
“Can everyone just give me some fucking space?” I seethe. “You’re used to good ol’ Cole being a massive prick, so just leave me alone.”
“Whatever, man,” Parker snaps. “You can continue your little tantrum out here, and we’ll talk when you pull your head out of your arse.” His steps thud near me. I sense him stopping, as his tone softens. “Most of us saw her face, man. We just wanted to know if she was okay … and if you were, too.”
“Shit.” I tilt my head up and stare at the darkening sky. “Don’t worry about me. She’s the one you need to be worried about.”
“Honey, I’m so sorry.” Mum’s voice wavers, forcing my eyes to close in shame. My shoulders rise and fall as I struggle to maintain control. I can’t take this out on her. This is all on me.
“I was planning to tell her myself,” I admit, “but we were going so well, and I got side tracked.” A sigh escapes me. “I was too caught up with finally being with her, and nothing else mattered. She was all I saw. Still is.”
“Give her time, and she’ll forgive you,” Mum says.
I ignore the niggling feeling that a little bit of space isn’t going to cut it.
“I don’t know if she will, but I can only try.” I walk to my old bedroom, trying but failing to ignore the lump of lead in my stomach. I pick up my phone and attempt to dial her, but her voicemail kicks in straight away, signifying that her phone is turned off.
“Hey, it’s me, Cole.” I shake my head in frustration, knowing she’ll recognise my voice. “Um, I just wanted to check that you got home okay and say that I’m … so sorry.”
