Do Not Respond

by M R Field

  “I hope not. I like my balls the way they are.”

  “I’d do anything to get her back, Park. I don’t even know what she’s thinking right now.”

  “Want me to ask Odette?” he offers, but as tempting as it is, I shake my head.

  “Odette won’t tell me anything. Got no idea if me going there is a good idea. Unless I want Odette’s finger up close and personal in my face.”

  “You should go, man. Only way to find out what she’s thinking.”

  “She tends to vent what she’s thinking, if you count her emails. She used to write about how much of a dick I was. Anytime Letty was pissed at me, she vented in an email and sent it to herself. It was so she didn’t tell me to fuck off and save face.”

  “Where are the emails?” Parker walks over to the fridge, and I follow him.

  “In her work email.”

  “You reckon she still writes them?” He reaches into the fridge and pulls out a beer. He offers it to me, but I’m too wiped to accept.

  “I’m not sure. But I wouldn’t know, as I don’t have her login details.”

  “Dude, this is Letty. I bet she’s written the password down or you could get your company’s IT team to crack it.”

  “That’s actually not a bad idea.” I begin tossing password possibilities around, but Parker interrupts my thoughts.

  “I’ll housesit when you go,” he offers, and I’m grateful, though I know he’s using my house to hide from Mum.

  “If I go. If she wants me.”

  “Of course, she will. You just have to brace yourself for a few home truths before that

  happens.”

  He’s right. I bid him goodnight and head to my bedroom. If there is a chance of us working it out, I’m going to be there in a flash. But if the emails say what I think they’ll say, I’m going to have to fucking suck it up and brace for the wave of hurt.

  Cole: Odette, I type.

  Cole: Please let me know when she’s arrived safely.

  My phone chimes a while later, as I’m drifting off to sleep with my first proper response in a few weeks.

  Odette: Sure.

  I shake my head at her short reply, and just as I’m putting my phone back on the bedside table, another message comes through, a photo of Odette dressed for work at her desk, a beaming smile on her face and an unmistakeable finger being held up at me.

  Cole: Nice polish. Who’s the dude behind you?

  I reply, hitting send, and chuckle for the first time in ages. There was no guy behind her, but the panic attack that she will no doubt be experiencing right now is worth it. I hope that whatever I find tomorrow will give me answers.

  I arrive early to work and rustle through Letty’s desk in hopes of finding what I’m looking for. In her top drawer, I find a heart-shaped note that reads: “Username: Chase” and “Password: ColeIsAnArse.”

  I sit in her chair, suddenly overwhelmed, but fearful. I’m now in unchartered territory, but if I’m going to try to win her back, I need to see what I’m up against.

  I click on the folder, and my jaw drops at how many emails there are.

  “You deserve to know what she thought when you were a jerk,” I say. I scroll the bar all the way down, my eyes almost bugging out as I reach the start. I take a deep breath and launch in. “Give me one sign, Letty. One sign, and I’ll be on the next plane.”

  As I begin reading her thoughts, my chest tightens. Fuck, I have a lot of work to do.

  Letty

  A few weeks later

  To: lchase@innovationdesigns.com.au

  From: lchase@innovationdesigns.com.au

  Subject: DNR

  Date: Tues 14/10/18 2:38am

  Another day, another denial.

  I smile and pretend I’m not missing you. That all the places Odette is showing me are worth it, that the photos I send to Piper and Theo aren’t empty. You’re not standing beside me.

  I’ve sent postcards to Theo, faking my enthusiasm. I joke, the synthetic side of myself on show. I know he worries about me. Nothing I type is real. When I got first got here, I lasted two days of sightseeing, and I’d seen enough. This beautiful city hurts my heart.

  It’s not because Toronto isn’t amazing. I came here to take a chance in Henri’s gallery and to forget about us for a while. Every corner I turn, though, I see you. You’re not here, and I’m surrounded by an architectural wonderland. Everywhere I look, I see something that you’d love. I can imagine you’d probably tell me the intricacies of it. The sights and textures of the city are spectacular. I try to enjoy them, but my heart feels heavy in my chest.

  Theo asks me about this place, and I wonder if you’ve even noticed I’m gone. I tell him I’m looking for jobs when, most days, I’m actually on Odette’s couch with my face in a tub of ice cream. I don’t care how cold it is over here. Ice cream is all I can manage.

  I hurt. I hurt so fucking much.

  Knock, knock.

  “Letty.” Odette’s voice penetrates through the bedroom door, and I roll over, facing away from the noise.

  “I’m just having a sleep-in, hon,” I call out, my voice raspy with fatigue. I cough to clear my throat. “I’ll be up soon.”

  “It’s noon.” The door opens, and I groan. A few years of not living with my sister and I’ve forgotten how intrusive she can be. “You need to get up. You smell.”

  “Go away,” I mumble into the pillow.

  “Get up before I put the toilet plunger in your face. We had burritos for dinner, remember? This room stinks.” She shuffles toward the window and draws the curtains back. Light pours in, but I keep my eyes closed. Maybe if I ignore her she’ll just go aw—.

  “Ugh!” I scream, as the covers are torn from my body, sending a chill across my skin. “What the hell?”

  “It’s my day off. So, before my phone goes off with one of my needy man-baby players wanting me to save their arse from their partying, I want to be out! I don’t want to be fending off reporters over alleged groping at strip joints.”

  I roll over and growl, “I was going to get up soon. I just wanted more sleep!”

  “Anymore sleep and I’d wonder if you were a bear. Letty, baby, get up. We’re going out for lunch, you’re going to enjoy it, and we’re going to have a great day. You have your exhibition next week, so today is going to involve some retail therapy, too. You need an outfit.”

  I stare up at her and see her fully dressed in black jeans and an emerald jumper that brings out the green in her eyes. Her lips are stained red. She looks a million bucks on her day off. Even on days when she’s under pressure, she still looks fabulous. I know her clothing is her armour at work, but what a way to send a message. My sister is a knockout. My gut churns, wondering what her boss said all those months ago when she was so sad. She’s yet to tell me. I cringe at my own selfish behaviour. I’ve spent a good part of these past few weeks moping. She hasn’t told me anything, but her problems are the last thing on her mind. Time to change that.

  “Fine.” I shuffle to the end of the bed. “But if you think I’m drinking Starbucks, think again. I want real coffee and with none of that half this, half that, frappe mocha crap. Just good normal coffee.”

  “Tim Horton’s?”

  My eyes light up. They have donuts and, apparently, it is normal to eat one anytime you like there—even for lunch!

  “Give me half an hour.” I hustle to get moving. “Is Anja coming?”

  “Sure am.” Anja’s head pokes through the door. “G’day mate!”

  I chuckle at her over-pronounced Aussie accent. Her beautiful smile lights up her face, as she winks at me. I can see why Parker is tongue-tied by her.

  “It’s only a few clicks from here.” She moves back and tilts her head toward the front door. “Just need to get a move on. Timmy’s is the best!”

  I stand and face Odette. She has a small frown on her face. “I haven’t seen you smile for over a week. I know you’re in agony, Letty Bear, but you need to make the most of your
time here.”

  My eyes sting, and I blink to hold back the emotion. “Yeah, I’ll be myself today.”

  “I think you’ve tortured yourself enough. Time to either forgive or forget.”

  “But—.” I stiffen, but Odette shakes her head and waves her hand to quieten me.

  “I know he was a fool, Letty. I absolutely do, but we all do stupid things as teens. We all do. I know he let it carry on as adults. If he wasn’t going to learn from it, then that would be your biggest problem. But I’m pretty sure he’s cut up over this. You just have to work out if you’re willing to bend or break.”

  “He said he hated me when his dad died.”

  “We’ve been over this, Letty,” she says calmly, “We have revisited every facet of that conversation. He was an absolute idiot who made a stupid decision.”

  “I need space.” The words sound heavy on my tongue.

  “You’re across the world. How’s that working out for you?” she adds sarcastically.

  “Thought you were on my side!” I snap.

  “I am, but people make mistakes.” She pauses, seeing my shoulders tense. “You’re forgetting one simple thing.”

  “What?”

  “Men are stupid.”

  An unbridled laugh escapes my lips. “Odette!”

  “They are,” she says. “Some are ridiculous at processing their emotions. Obviously, Cole gets

  his from his dad. He used to be closed off, too. You were just too young to remember.”

  “I love him,” I whisper.

  “You’ve loved him since you were twelve,” she corrects, and I nod, feeling a tear slip down my cheek. “He loves you too, sweets.” She tickles under my chin, and I flinch back, as a small smile graces her lips. “You need a shower, smelly, and then we’re going to sugar overload.” Odette moves to my door, tapping her behind as she walks. “I didn’t get this from dieting. A girl’s got a figure to maintain.”

  “Let’s go make all those boys crazy, then.” I move to the wardrobe and collect a few things to take to the bathroom.

  “No, they prefer sticks around these parts,” she says softly, but I catch it.

  “Then they’re fools, Ode. Blind fools.”

  She gives me a sad smile, and it hits me. She likes someone who is obviously a jerk and prefers skinny models. Now, to work out who it is.

  ***

  “Fork.”

  “And this?” Anja points.

  “Spoon,” I respond, raising my eyebrow at Anja.

  “What about this?”

  “Bowl.”

  “Anja, you trying to screw with my sister? You know what we call all these things,” Odette chimes in. “You live with me here, and you used to in Australia.”

  “I know, but her accent is cuter than yours.”

  “We don’t have accents, Ms. Canuck,” Odette teases.

  “I’m an Aussie, not an alien,” I chime in.

  “Well, you must have something, as those guys over there are listening to us,” Anja says.

  I turn my head and, sure enough, the booth near us has a few guys staring. I have no response except a twinge in my hollow chest.

  “All I have is a boyfriend.” The words fall from my lips, and I stiffen. “And an art exhibition.” I lift my spoon to eat my soup and push the feeling of longing away, ignoring the girls’ eyes on me.

  “You do have a boyfriend, don’t you?” Odette challenges, and I continue to eat my soup.

  “Did I wake up today to be interrogated?” I tap my spoon against the bowl and stare at them both. “What’s with defending him today?” I point my spoon to Anja. “You were looking up ways to castrate men a few weeks ago.” My eyes flick to my sister. “And you were sending him the bird. Why the sudden change?”

  “Well …” Odette looks down as her phone chimes, and her eyes widen. “Hold that thought. The timing couldn’t be any more perfect.”

  “What timing?” I ask, the spoon slipping from my fingers as the Skype icon blinks. Oh God. He’s not calling her, is he? My heart thuds against my chest, and I grip the booth’s edge.

  Odette’s fingers tap her screen, and she begins talking. Meanwhile, my pulse has accelerated so much it’s hurting my heart. I struggle to hear what she’s saying and look for the bathrooms to go and hide in, but I catch movement from the side. Anja plops herself next to me, and Odette is already blocking the other side of the booth. Shit. I’m stuck. I look at my lap and contemplate shifting under the bench, but Anja leans in.

  “I wouldn’t. You never know what you’ll find down there.” She shudders, but I’m too busy trying not to hyperventilate.

  “I don’t know if I can handle seeing him,” I whisper.

  “You don’t need to, honey.” Her hand rubs my arm, and I take quick breaths to calm my racing heart. Odette’s voice breaks through the thrumming in my ears. “Yeah, she’s here. Let me pass her to you.”

  She holds the phone to face me, and my stomach drops. It’s worse than Cole.

  “Hi Judy.” My voice wavers as her face comes into view. She holds the phone so I can see her staring at me. I smile tentatively. I look down at my jumper to check if I’ve spilled any soup on it. Nope. She’s just staring.

  “Letty, you are the hardest person to get a hold of,” she quips, and I feel my face redden.

  “I’m sorry.” I shrug, “I just needed to—.”

  “You needed some time, and I get that. I’m sorry I was the bearer of bad news.” She frowns, looking down for a moment before her eyes return to mine. “So, how’s your trip going? When is your exhibition?”

  “Wednesday night,” I say, shifting the phone so I can see her better. Odette and Anja lean in so we’re all in the screen. “My pieces arrived and are already set up.”

  “Have you been sightseeing?” Her face softens a little, and I nod.

  “Yeah, we’ve been to the aquarium, and I sent photos to a friend of the CN Tower.” My voice catches, as I remember sending that picture to Theo, trying to be light-hearted in the email but failing. Even jokes about him wetting his pants in excitement fell flat against the ruse of trying to look happy.

  “That’s lovely, Letty.” Judy’s smile stiffens as her eyes narrow on the screen. “Now, what are you going to do about my boy?”

  “Um,” I stumble, but she continues.

  “Letty, Cole is a carbon copy of his father. Headstrong, determined, and completely clueless when it comes to dealing with women.”

  “Judy, I don’t think now’s the right time—.”

  “Letty, the time is now,” Odette says. She smiles widely.

  “Oh my God! It’s an ambush! You waited until I couldn’t run and hide in my room!”

  “Letty, darling. Don’t blame them. I’m the one who demanded to speak to you,” Judy says.

  “Bloody hell,” I moan. “Today is the day everyone is in my face.”

  “Well, if you were still home, I’d be knocking on your door. Now …” Judy’s body stiffens, her eyes piercing mine. “I can attest that what Cole did was wrong. He handled it poorly, but my darling, you’re both adults.”

  “He was buying my artwork while he was mean to me. He made me think someone actually liked it.”

  “No, he bought your artwork and gave it out as presents. He isn’t your only follower, he’s just the quickest to snap up your pieces. That’s not guilt, honey. That’s appreciation.”

  “I don’t know what to believe.”

  “Believe that when I visit my father’s old nursing home to arrange a fundraiser, the

  residents tell me how much they appreciate seeing your paintings. They bring life to the living areas. You bring light to bleak situations, Letty.” She rubs her lips together and adds, “So what if he bought your artwork? So what if he gave it to people? Isn’t exposure what you need? Having your work in one gallery only and not around the rest of the world isn’t going to be the way you get discovered. My friend has an aunt in the nursing home. She snapped up a few of your piec
es, too. Your canvases from my birthday raised several hundred dollars each.”

  “What?” My breath catches.

  “You heard me. I didn’t raise my son to be an idiot, but he clearly was. I’m not here to demand you take him back. I’m only here …” she pauses to take a sip of water before continuing, “to say he’s suffered enough. Whichever way this falls, Letty, you need to stop running away. He was eighteen when his father died, but in my eyes, he was still a child. He had to grow up even faster after that without having a father figure to turn to. In doing so, he was a man before he was ready. Just like his dad, he’s irrational, stubborn and … stupid, honey. They have no idea how to deal with feelings. His guilt imprisoned him and unfortunately, it took him a long time to realise that it was love that had him stuck.”

  “I’ll call him after my exhibition,” I tell her but her frown remains.

  “I think he’d rather share the moment with you.” When her eyes move to Anja, a smile appears on her lips. “You must be Anja.”

  “Yes, that’s me.”

  I look over to Anja and smile.

  “So, now I can finally see the woman who has my son all flustered.”

  “I’m sorry?” Anja shifts beside me, and Odette and I chuckle.

  “You are absolutely gorgeous. I approve. Finally, Parker has got it right, but be warned, he can be stupid, too,” Judy warns.

  “Oh, Parker. I remember him.” Anja grins, and I shake my head.

  “Oh, boy,” Odette murmurs. “Judy is queen supreme matcher.”

  “Tell him I don’t bite”—she lifts her drink to her lips—“hard.”

  We burst out laughing, but Judy takes the upper hand. Looking over her shoulder, she calls out, “Honey, can you come here for a moment?”

  We wait, shifting in our seats in anticipation. Anja flicks her curly hair over her shoulders and leans closer to the screen. Hmm. Maybe it’s not just Parker who has an interest.

  “Yeah, Mum?” Parker calls out, and then sees the screen in her hands. He moves closer, and I wave. He returns it. “Hey, Letty! How’s the land of maple syrup going?”