To Fall in Love Again

by David Burnett

  “Well, you all grew up together, so you know all of the relationships. I would never be able to keep people straight.”

  Anna shook her head. “I didn’t grow up with the Nelsons and the Nobles.”

  “You didn’t? But I thought…”

  “I was born up the road in Summerville. Grew up there. Dad was an accountant and Mom taught third grade.”

  “Then how—”

  “How did I end up married to Edward?”

  “I didn’t mean…”

  “You’re not the first to ask.” Anna laughed. “We met at the college. It was freshman year. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. It seems that he was quite taken with me too.” Anna smiled. “We started to date, and by the next fall we were head over heels.”

  “That’s so sweet.”

  “My parents didn’t think so. Said we were from two different worlds, that we could never be happy together.” She sipped her coffee. “It wasn’t personal. They liked Edward. They just thought our backgrounds were too different.” She laughed again.

  “My Uncle William, though, he was incensed when he heard who I was dating. Said I was getting too big for my britches. Told me I had to come back to my raisin’ or something like that.”

  “What did Edward’s parents think?”

  Anna shrugged. “If they saw a problem, I never heard about it.” She smiled. “There was one Sunday, toward the end of sophomore year. Mrs. Thomas invited me to dinner. It was a birthday dinner for Edward’s father, and there were about twenty people there, people I had never met, Edward’s relatives. Extra leaves had been used to extend the table in the dining room, and I had never seen a table so long, except in a restaurant. There were place cards so that we would know where to sit.” She shook her head.

  “When we sat down to dinner, I looked at the table and there were more knives, forks, spoons beside my plate than I had ever seen in my life. Different sizes, different shapes. I literally felt sick at my stomach. I didn’t know what I was going to do.” She paused.

  “What did you do?”

  “I ate slowly, and I watched Mrs. Thomas. I did all right for a while, but then, I was distracted by the conversation. We had fish, orange roughy, I think, and I had never seen a fish knife before in my life.”

  “A fish knife?”

  “See what I mean? A fish knife. I picked up a regular knife, and Jason, Edward’s little brother, gasped. He pointed at me from the other end of the table and shouted, ‘She’s using the wrong knife.’”

  Anna began to laugh. “Edward later told me that I looked like a beet. I jumped up from the table and ran out, onto the porch.” She paused, smiling as she looked down at the table. “I heard a commotion behind me. Edward’s father pulled Jason out of the room and gave him a lecture on manners. Mrs. Thomas ran after me. She found me on the porch, crying. She put her arm around me and told me that never having seen a fish knife was certainly no sin and that most of her friends would have no idea what to do with one.”

  “And that was all?”

  “Never heard another word about it from her. Jason, however, Jason still teases me. On Christmas Eve, in fact, I served salmon for dinner. We passed a platter around the table and when it reached him, he took a piece, placed it on his plate. Then he looked up with the most innocent expression on his face and said, ‘You know, Anna, there’s a knife for this.’ We all laughed.”

  “It doesn’t upset you when he does that?”

  Anna chuckled. “No, he’s just teasing me.”

  “How did you learn the different pieces?”

  “Oh, shortly after we were married we were invited to a formal diner and I asked Edward to help me. He gave me something to read. It was no big deal to anyone but me.”

  “I’ve been terrified that I wouldn’t fit in,” Amy said. “I was actually expecting half of the club to miss the meeting tonight.”

  “Whatever for?”

  “I know you only invited me to join the club because I was seeing Drew—”

  “I only knew you because you were seeing Drew. I invited you to join club because I thought you would enjoy it, and it would be nice to get to know you better. I think I was right on both counts.” She paused, looking at Amy. “Drew did love you, you know. One morning, back in January, I went with him to Butler’s Jewelry to look for rings.”

  “It was you?” Amy exclaimed. “You were the woman trying on rings at Butlers?”

  Anna nodded. “Drew asked for my advice. Men feel so insecure when they shop for jewelry, especially for something like an engagement ring. We went early one morning. Mr. Butler saw us standing outside and let us in before it was really time for him to open.”

  “I thought…I didn’t see your face, didn’t know it was you. I thought that—I assumed that there was another woman. I am such an idiot.” Amy felt her face growing warm. She closed her eyes, leaned on the arm of the sofa and began to massage her forehead. “I’d just come from Jack’s attorney, just learned about the condominium, his mistress—you know what I’m talking about?”

  Anna nodded. “I heard the story.”

  “I saw him in the jewelry store. The woman was—you were—trying on a ring. I thought…” She shook her head. “No wonder he doesn’t believe I love him.”

  Anna patted her hand. “We all make mistakes, Amy, but sometimes things just don’t work out. Later on, we find it’s all for the best.”

  “I know. I just wish…” She thought about seeing Drew at the coffee shop. “There are things that I wish I had done differently, said differently.”

  “I know. We are all human. We all have regrets.”

  They sat together in silence for a moment.

  “Well, I need to be going. Edward will be sending out a search party. The meeting was—oh,” Anna looked around, “wait. I have something for you, something from Drew. Let me get it.” She found her keys and ran out to her car.

  What would he be sending me? Amy stood in the doorway, watching as Anna took a package from the back seat of her car.

  “Drew gave these to me awhile back. Asked if I could get them to you. I never could remember them though.”

  “What is it?” Amy opened the package, not sure what to expect.

  “Oh.” She took out a shirt and a pair of pants. “These are mine…I remember. Drew and I took his boat into the marsh one afternoon, the last warm weekend last fall. I showered and changed at his house before dinner.” She felt disappointed—irrationally, she told herself—that it wasn’t a present of some type. “I suppose he’s cleaning house. He certainly doesn’t need these. Thank you.”

  Anna picked up her pocketbook. “Drew found them hanging in a closet up on the third floor, he said. He said his maid must have hung them there, thinking they belonged to Jennifer. Anyway, it was wonderful tonight. We’ll look forward to meeting here next fall, if you’ll have us.”

  ***

  After Anna left, Amy sat in the living room with another glass of wine, thinking. So, Rachel is Drew’s cousin, the clothes are mine, and he was looking for a ring for me. She closed her eyes tightly and shook her head. “Honestly, I can be so stupid.”

  She turned off most of the lights and sat in semidarkness, staring into the shadows as she thought about the evening. Everyone had seemed to have a good time. Although she had listened to the conversations, expecting to hear comments about how far away she lived, how small her house was, the inexpensive set of china on which she served dessert, she had heard nothing. Anna had asked her why she would feel inferior. She had not had an answer, but she pondered the question now.

  As she stared into the shadows, they took shapes, much as clouds do on a summer afternoon. She imagined a figure waving about in the dining room—a small body with a huge head, long arms, and glowing eyes. No wonder children believed in monsters, she thought.

  Why do I feel inferior?

  Barb had teased her. Elaine had made comments. She typically let such things roll off her back. Why not these? As she wat
ched the monster whip around, she seemed to hear voices.

  Wouldn’t it be wonderful to attend a ball? Just like Cinderella. It was Cathy’s voice as they had watched people arrive for the St. Cecelia Ball so many years before.

  Then she heard Jack. Forget it. There are two groups of people in this world. There are those who have it and those who don’t. In this city, those who have it go to that dance.

  Is that where it all began? Not just that night, but with Jack? He had frequently complained about people—no names, just people—who did half the work that he did, but had twice the money. He always had some sarcastic comment when they drove down Meeting Street or walked on the Battery, something that made the owners of the houses there seem less grand than one might otherwise think.

  “Their grandfather ran rum during prohibition,” he once said as she admired one of the houses that looked out on the harbor. About the family who lived in the next house, he had reported that the owner’s grandmother “had made her fortune operating a house of ill repute.”

  She had especially liked one of the smaller houses that stood a couple of blocks away from the Battery. What had Jack said when she had commented that it was one of the prettiest houses in town? Oh, yes. “A hundred years ago those people were horse thieves.” As if Jack knew.

  In Jack’s mind, at least, the supposed ill-gotten gains of their ancestors seemed to lower them, perhaps, to his level. Was Jack to blame for her feelings? Had he convinced her that she was second-rate?

  You are a snob. You can’t love me because of where I live, who my family is, and the amount of money I have.

  Is that what Jack had done to her? Caused her to reject Drew because she felt unworthy? Was he laughing at her now, looking up from hell, knowing how he had destroyed her chance for happiness with Drew?

  There was no monster in the shadows—Jack was her monster, one who was always present. She had called him one when she had discovered his affair. She had thought she was free when the trooper knocked on her door to tell her of the accident. It seemed he would never let her go.

  She stared into the darkness. “How do you slay a monster?” she asked aloud.

  Anna Thomas, Rebecca Noble, the other members of her book club, none of them looked down on her. Jennifer had welcomed her. Drew, the only one who should ever have mattered, did not believe her to be second-rate. Only Jack.

  “I vowed that no man would ever control me again,” she whispered. “That means you, Jack Barrett. You are dead. You are gone. I’m finished with you.”

  She recalled a day shortly before their wedding. Jack had taken her out to dinner. As they had waited for dessert, Amy had asked whether she should keep her name after they were married. “Lots of women are doing that now, you know,” she had said.

  Jack had looked puzzled. “Why would they keep their names?”

  “If you take your husband’s name, you sort of become a different person, you lose your identity. I won’t be Amy Wilson, any longer. I’ll be Mrs. Jack Barrett.”

  Jack’s face had turned red. “Of course you will change your name. You will be another person,” he’d said. “You’ll be my wife−you will be mine.”

  She walked into the den now and took papers from the top drawer of her desk then rummaged through them. She had once asked Kimi Carson how she would go about changing her last name, taking her maiden name again. She knew that she could have done it if she had divorced Jack, but she was not sure how to proceed since he had died. Kimi had told her it was simple. She had given Amy a form to complete.

  She would fill out the application, pay the fee, and present the application in family court.

  “I understand your feelings,” Kimi had told her, “but give it some thought. It might be more trouble than it is worth.”

  Amy found the application, filled it out, and slipped it into her notebook. “I’m not yours anymore, Jack Barrett.”

  It might be too late to right things with Drew, but she would certainly leave Jack far behind her.

  The Cabin

  “Last day of school?” Amy greeted Cathy as she arrived home, dropping her backpack on the floor.”

  “Last exam,” Cathy replied. “Aced it.”

  “Knew you would.” Amy hugged her. “You have—what?—two weeks off before summer school? Beach plans?”

  “No such thing. I’ll be at work.”

  “But your assistantship ended today. You didn’t let them talk you into—”

  “It did end today.” Cathy smiled. “Dr. Watson and Dr. Nelson have a new grant. Therefore,” she took a deep bow, “I have a new job.”

  “That’s terrific, sweetie.”

  “And a raise in pay.”

  “Even better. You say that they have the new grant. Is Drew—you told me that he seldom comes into the office any longer.”

  Cathy cocked her head to one side. “And why are we interested in Dr. Nelson’s activities?”

  “Drew is…was…a friend. I’m just interested.”

  “I see.”

  “Don’t play psychologist, young lady.”

  “I have to practice with someone.” Cathy sighed. “I’m not sure just what Dr. Nelson is going to do. He wrote most of the proposal last fall. He has written the procedures for the data collection. Beyond that?” She shrugged.

  “He must be planning to—”

  “He’s not in town, Mom. He didn’t give final exams this semester. Turned in grades last week and left for the mountains, I’m told. We may see him in August.” She looked away.

  “What?”

  “Oh, Jennifer—you remember his daughter—she was at school today. Came by to pick up a book or a file or something. Anyway, Dr. Watson and I were in the big work room, and she stopped to talk to him.”

  “What did she say?”

  “I was at the other end of the room, proofing our paper, so I didn’t hear a lot. Dr. Watson asked her what her father was going to do all summer in the mountains by himself. She huffed and said he would do the same thing he had done since January—dream about her mother and think about that woman.”

  “Did she mean me?”

  “I suppose she did. She looked up and glared at me, then turned her head and lowered her voice.”

  “I wish things had worked out differently,” Amy said quietly.

  Cathy pulled a book from her backpack. “I don’t know if you want to read this.” She handed it to her mother. “It’s Dr. Nelson’s wife’s book. It was just published. Jennifer brought a couple of copies to Dr. Watson today, and he asked if I would like to read it.”

  Amy took the book and looked at the cover. “The End of My Life,” she read aloud. “Diana Alexander Nelson.”

  “It has really good reviews, Mom, and since you know Dr. Nelson…”

  Amy was not listening. She opened the book and carefully turned the pages, stopping when she reached the Acknowledgement. Tears puddled in her eyes as she read. She looked up at Cathy.

  “I’d very much like to read it. Thank you.”

  ***

  Later that night, Cathy had gone out, and Amy settled into her favorite chair and turned to the first chapter.

  A Cabin in the Mountains.

  We were on summer vacation in the mountains when I first noticed something was not right. I stumbled on the path to the lake.

  It was rather early in the morning. The sky was clear blue and the air was crisp. I suddenly found myself lying on the ground, looking up at the towering evergreens that surround our cabin. The path was clear. I had not tripped over a branch, nor had I slipped on a pinecone. The path did slope, but not precipitously, and I had walked that path literally hundreds of times over the years, even before Drew and I were married.

  The cabin belonged to his family, and his mother summered there during the final two decades of her life. She would invite family and friends to join her for the cool breezes, clean air, wonderful conversations, and delicious food. I was included from the time that Drew and I began to date.

&
nbsp; When his mother died, Drew and his sister divided the property. His mother had already given us the house in the city, the house where we live. His sister received the house at the beach, on Sullivan’s Island, and Drew received the cabin.

  Three houses, you might exclaim. You might be even more impressed when you discovered that the house in the city was in the historic section of old Charleston.

  My husband’s family was wealthy.

  I do not tell you this to brag. His family had the money, not mine. I tell you about this for two reasons. First, as I describe the care that I receive during my final months, I do not pretend that it is typical, or that it is available to everyone. We have insurance, certainly, but Drew, I know, will not allow an insurance company to control my care. Not everyone has this luxury.

  Second, I want to tell you about my love for my husband and his love for me, love that will be reflected on every page of this story.

  Drew’s family was wealthy. He always preferred to use other terms. “Well off,” was one of his favorites, but “wealthy” is more descriptive.

  My parents emigrated from Greece shortly before my birth. My father owned a small grocery store and my mother cared for five children. When Drew and I began to date, I knew nothing of Charleston. His family’s home was beautiful, I thought, but I did not appreciate the significance of living “below Broad.”

  Drew never talked about money. He dressed nicely, but not obviously expensively. He drove an ordinary car. I did not understand his family until the ball…

  Amy put the book down and wiped her eyes. Di’s experiences mirrored her own, down to an encounter with an insufferable snob at the St. Cecelia Ball. How could I have imagined that Drew had any ulterior motive in seeing me? Di described him exactly the way he was. She picked up the book and continued.

  I told Drew my fears—that I would not fit in, that I would embarrass him, that his friends and family would always look down on me. Drew took me in his arms and kissed me. He told me that I should not be afraid of those things. I remember his words clearly. “I love you, Diana Alexander. That’s all that matters. If you love me, trust me. I will take care of all of the rest. I will protect you.”