by Elaine May
She looks so beautiful with the sun shining down on her.
She looks beautiful with that smile plastered across her face and she looks beautiful sat with my family, like she belongs.
She might belong but I don’t know if I do. It’s hard to feel like you belong when you never feel like you measure up.
My parents have never made me feel like that, my siblings haven’t either, it’s just me. I always feel like I’m ten points down on the family scale. I know I was the one who always brought trouble, it just seemed to find me, but my siblings always seemed perfect in my eyes. If I stay away I can stop myself from feeling unworthy but being here today with Ayria has felt different. I feel like I could conquer anything and the way she’s smiling at the moment it feels like it’s breaking down all my barriers. I am so grateful she accepted my call, that she said yes. As soon as Mom mentioned today and asked me to ask Ayria it was like just the mention of her made it easier and I had needed an excuse to phone her.
I never ring back.
Once I’ve had what I want I never go back for seconds but with Ayria I want to. Phoning about the barbecue was the perfect excuse but she never answered and I just kept trying. I tried and I tried and then she answered and everything was right with the world again.
I missed her.
Missed being able to talk to her.
Missed being able to touch her. I couldn’t function without her and all week I struggled through the work that needed to be done to her grandfather’s business. I had to sit through meetings with that idiot who was the old man’s second in command who said things about her, things that weren’t true, and fight the need to hit him. No one talked about Ayria that way, she is mine and I will protect her from the likes of him.
Mine? That sounds nice.
Thrum. Something wet and hard hits the back of my head and I’m suddenly forced out of my thoughts as I hear everyone laughing around me. Now normally I wouldn’t be too happy but right now I just laugh along with them taking quick glances, as much as I can without being caught,by my girl.
My girl.
We stay in the pool for another hour and just before the sun starts to set the kids start to get too cold. I get out of the pool and I can see Ayria’s eyes look me up and down, biting her bottom lip as I reach for the towel Mom left out. We all take our separate ways to get showered and dressed and when I come back down everyone is in the hall way. The kids all look sleepy and my brothers are carrying all their family’s stuff. It’s time to go, thank God, although I don’t know if I even mean that today.
Something has changed inside me. I want to get my girl home though and fuck her senseless. We all make our rounds, kissing each other goodbye and when Ayria gets to my mom and dad she says her thanks and then stops as if thinking of something.
“Joshua, I was wondering if I could come by and see you?” What the? I watch in slow motion as she swallows with nerves.
“I was thinking of seeing if I could turn my grandfather’s estate into a children’s hospital and I need some help.”
“Don’t you want to keep it? For the memories?” Dad asks andAyria gives away a small laugh.
“The only memories I have of that place I’d rather forget.” We all look at her but she shrugs her shoulders and laughs again.
“Could you help me?” She looks at my dad and then to me and Jackson. Jacob steps forward.
“I’m a doctor, I can help with anything you need.” She gives him a smile and turns back to my father as he starts to talk to her again.
“I would be honoured and in all honesty I feel ashamed at how low we undersold you. I really didn’t expect you to accept. Whatever you need Bryant Industries and the family will be here to help.” He takes Ayria’s hand in a firm shake.
“Thank you so much. That really would be amazing.” We all say our goodbyes again and then I manage to lead her out of the house and to the car.
“Your family are great.” She says as weboth get settled in the car.
“They’re ok.” I say as I get the car in gear.
“They were brilliant.”She responds.“I never thought he would go for my idea. Grandfather always said it was stupid whenever I mentioned it to him.” She looks sad as she tells me that second part and I would do anything to take that away.
“That’s my family. Fucking amazing.”
“Why did you say it like that?”
“Because they are and it’s hard to live up to. To feel like you’re worthy of your place.”
“You are and they love you so much.” I don’t say anything else, I just drive back to mine because right now I just need to fuck and forget.
AYRIA
Nothing else is said until we get to a hotel.
“What are we doing here?” If he thinks he can have sex with me in one of his hotels like a common slut he can think again.
“I live here and I need to just.....I need to be with you.” Oh God, I can just feel myself cave at his words. He sounds like a small lost little boy and I just want to make it all better. He steps out of the car and comes around and opens my door and I take his hand and just follow him up to the penthouse. He still looks lost as he opens the door and leads me in and we’ve just made it in before he attacks me with a kiss. My legs feel like jello at the electricity that fires through me.
“Oh God, you’re fucking beautiful.” He says as he sweeps me up in his arms and carries me to his bedroom and drops me amongst his bedding. He climbs over me, lifting up my dress and pressing his nose at my core breathing me in before taking my panties between his teeth and ripping them off me in one long swipe. My whole body tingles.
“I couldn’t wait to have you again. You’re all mine tonight.”
“Stop talking and hurry up then.” I say,realising I want him just as much. He pushes my legs apart and then kneels before me, before taking my lips with his. I can feel his cock rubbing against my thigh and I want him so much as he forces his tongue inside my mouth. He’s massaging my tongue with his own, his fingers find the back of my bra and unclasp it before taking it off and discarding it on the floor with the rest of our clothing. He takes my nipple in his mouth and sucks while his hand squeezes and pinches my other. I’m melting into him as he turns me into a pool of liquid at his attention. His hands run over my body, clawing my skin with his nails and it feels amazing. His breathing becomes unsteady as he just looks me all over, taking me all in, trying to read me. I close my eyes, trying to hide away, but I can still feel his razor blade eyes penetrating every cell of my skin.
“God you’re beautiful.” He whispers in my ear and then takes a bite of my lobe. Every part of my body feels alive as he swoops forward and takes my lips into another fierce kiss, owning every part of me. I feel a buzz of electricity as his fingers start to roam up and down my skin again, his lips not giving mine up before all of a sudden he stops again. What’s he doing? What is he going to say this time? I don’t want romance right now, I just want his cock. I just want him to fuck me. I look at him with a questioning look, begging him to keep going, but then I hear the sound of a wrapper tearing. Without any warning he flips me over as if I weigh nothing, slapping my bum as he does it, the sound ringing out throughout the room. He slaps my bum again and then he dives inside with one hard thrust right to the hilt. Oh God, I’ve never felt so full before in my life, he’s hitting places inside me that no one else has touched before.
“God you feel amazing.”
“So do you.” It’s all I can say as he thrusts all the breath from me. He puts his hands on my hips and pulls me harder on to him and I can feel his nails digging into my skin. It feels amazing as he scratches my hips and then they travel down to my arse and they send a fire path to my core. Every nerve ending in my body becomes more needy at his touch, I feel more aroused as he thrusts harder into me. His scratches become harsher and all I can do is scream out his name. He’s giving me just what I like, what I need, he’s rough and raw and I don’t want it to end but I can feel the sig
ns. I try to fight what my body wants to naturally do, I fight to try and keep these sensations ruling me, taking me over. I feel his balls slapping against me as he plunges again and again inside me,bruising my inner muscles.
“Come with me.” He says as he buries his face in the back of my neck and his fingers start to play with my clit and it’s all I need for him to light my fire.
So much pleasure.
Too much pleasure.
“Oh God I’m going to come.”
“Come with me baby. I want you to come.” I feel his hair tickle my skin as his lips latch on and suck at the skin where my neck meets my shoulder. Oh God that’s it and every muscle in my body starts to stiffen and pulsate.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
AYRIA
When I come to I’m nestled nicely on Harry’s chest, his arm wrapped around me as our legs remain entwined together.
I feel safe.
I feel happy and content like this in his arms.
What? I turn in his arms so I can see him. He looks so handsome even in sleep.
What is he doing to me?For the first time in my life I don’t feel like I have to act to be more, I feel like I’m enough just as I am around him and it scares the shit out of me.
I’m not used to it.
I’ve always had to be more, I’ve always had to play the game my grandfather laid out in front of me but with Harry I don’t have to be.
I don’t have to do anything but be myself.
What is he playing at?
How dare he make me feel like this when I don’t even know how to be just myself?
I have no idea how to be just me.
I only know how to be the Ice Princess, a bitch.
How dare he?
I stay like that for a little while, liking where I am, liking how he feels around me, not knowing what it means and trying to fight the urge to flee.
What’s he doing to me?
I need to get out of here before he wakes up but I really don’t want to.
I want to stay here with him. I look towards his bedside table and see some paper and a pen and I gently remove myself from his hold. I get dressed quietly so as not to wake him and then tiptoe over to the table and write him a note.
He’ll want to see me again.
I want to see him again.Well, I should make him happy and if he wants to see me again who am I to deny the great and powerful Harry Bryant?But this will be like no other date he’s been on before. I write down the address of where to meet me later on tonight. I’d like to say this is all going according to plan but something keeps niggling away at the back of my skull, reminding me to be careful, to keep my guard up.
Why should I be the one to be careful? I’m never careful. He should be the one to watch his own back, not me. I’ve been doing this for so long I’m a goddamn pro at it but the thought still won’t go away. I look back at him, still fast asleep, he looks like an angel, a handsome angel that I want to nestle back in with but I can’t.
He’s changing me in a way I don’t understand.
I could give away too many of my emotions. I take a breathand once I’m done I grab my bag and get out of there. As soon as I’m home I go back to sleep in my own bed. I might just stay here all day, I’m safer here, I think, I hope.
****
Later that day, after sleeping the morning away, I get ready for my evening and phone Clive.
“You’re going to the shelter?” Clive questions me after I tell him where I need to go.
“He thinks he can have all that money and not do something worthwhile with it. I’m going to show him a new path. The right path.”
“What are you going to do?” He asks me and I can hear the brew of laughter trying to erupt behind his question. He still thinks I’m playing games. I, on the other hand, have no idea what I’m doing at the moment.
“I’m not going to do anything Clive. I’m just going to sit and watch from the car with you.”
“Oh God.” I can just imagine the older man wiping his brow as he always does when I get him nervous.
“I’ll get the car ready at the normal time then.”
“Yes please but not my car and not the limo. Can we use yours please? I don’t want there to be any chance that he will notice me.”
“You are the boss.”
“Thank you Clive.” I press the button and end our conversation, only to pick up my cell.
“Hello Anna.” My call is picked up almost immediately. She’s been expecting it the whole day so her phone has probably been sat on bless her.
****
Clive parks his car and as always waits for me to get in the front with him when we do it this way.
To be fair I always wanted to do it this way but grandfather insisted that we stay in the back, you never sit with the help Ayria he would say.
“Are you sure about this Ayria? I can imagine this could get him quite angry, he’s expecting you.” He says with his fatherly tone and the look he always gives me.
“Maybe.”
“Well I can only hope you know what you are doing.”
“I do, Clive, don’t worry about me.” He nods his head and starts to drive his car out of the car lot underneath my apartment complex.
I look over at him and give him one of my big smiles that are only for him and he loves so much. He always wants to get one more out of me.
“I always worry about you Ayria.” I can see the tears glisten in his eyes and I take a hold of his hand as he removes it from the gear stick.
“I know you do and that’s why I love you so much.”
“And I love you.” His hand turns in mine and grips it harder before taking it away and putting it on the gear stick again.
As we get closer to my destination I start to feel a flutter in my stomach at the thought of seeing him again, even if it’s going to be from a distance. I want to see his face when he realises what I’m putting him up for, but if it helps him and the people who really need it then that’s all that matters.
“You’re nervous aren’t you?”
“Nervous?” I question Clive and I fight not to give away the giggle that wants to escape me because all I can picture is Harry’s pissed-off face. I look out the window and notice we are nearly where we need to be.
“Can you get us as close as you can without being too close?” He turns my way and looks at me with a cheeky smile and flicks the indicator as he nods his head and starts to move the car closer to the sidewalk. He rolls a little further and then I see a figure standing outside the building I have doomed him to. I really want to laugh again but I just sit in the air-conditioned car and watch Harry wait and wait for me to turn up. Every now and then he takes a quick glance at his watch or at his cell, I can see the air blow out of his mouth with frustration and I just want to laugh harder.
“He’s looking pissed.” I hear Clive say under his breath and I just touch his hand in reassurance.
“He’s supposed to be pissed Clive.”
“I know but I only hope you know what you are doing” I look at him. Why is he saying that?
“What? Why are you saying that?” He takes a breath and looks back at me again with eyes that shout for me to just listen to him and hear him out. I raise my eyebrows, hoping he’ll hurry up.
“I just think there may be something more to this”
“Excuse me?”
“I see the way you look at him when you think no one is watching. I see the way he looks at you. You like each other.”
“I do not.” I like him as a plaything nothing more.
He may do things to me but I’m sure they won’t last, once I get rid of him.
Get rid of him like all the others but that one thought pushes all the air from my lungs.
I don’t like that thought at all.
I don’t want to get rid of him, life seems different when he’s with me.
I don’t want to get rid of him.
“You like him.” Clive says again and the thought
that anyone else knows what’s going on inside my head, even Clive, isn’t right.
I can’t allow it.
I’m not allowed to. I can hear the little girl from my past trying to rear her ugly head.
I am not that little girl any longer.
I’m never going to be as stupid as I was back then.
“I don’t like him, I’m using him, there’s a difference.” That’s what I’m trying to remind myself but somewhere along the line I don’t know if it’s been forgotten and something else has taken over. He just looks at me and then we both turn to see the door of the centre open and Anna comes out, I assume calling Harry’s name. He turns towards her. I can see the aggravation cloud his face as she takes a hold of his hand and like a child Harry follows behind her, trying to pull away from her hold. It’s so funny, he’s going to hate me but that’s what you get Harry when I try to help you.
When you start doing things to me.
Making me feel.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
HARRY
Where is she?
The heat from the day tries to melt away my skin. It’s stifling and I feel like I can hardly breathe as I wait for her.
I never wait and I don’t like it. She’s making me do lots of things that I don’t normally do, or that I hate, at the moment. Like waking up to an empty bed wondering where she was to only find a note in her place.
I’m going to the shelter again tonight.
Please come with me.
Meet me outside at six thirty. Those are the exact words she wrote in her girly handwriting and like a fool I decided to do as I was told.
Me? And now I’m left waiting like the idiot I’m turning into.
Where is she? I look down at my watch and she’s at least ten minutes late. As soon as I read she wanted me to meet her here again I was worried. Not worried about being stood up but by what she would want to do. I really don’t want to go inside that centre,but I will do it if it means being able to spend some time with her. She looked so beautiful last time when she was dressed in jeans and a top, sketchers on her feet and that stupid wig in place. I couldn’t stop looking at her but I felt uncomfortable, I wasn’t used to helping people and it was as if I was having an out of body experience and I really don’t want to relive it by doing it with her.
