by Elaine May
It wasn’t as bad as I thought it could have been.
Surprising really.
“Harry.”
“Harry.” I turn around, expecting to see Ayria, but of course it’s not her but the woman I met only a few days ago. What is Ayria playing at? I will find out, this doesn’t end today. The woman holds out her hand to me but I’m reluctant to take it.
“When I said I hoped to see you soon I didn’t expect it this quickly. I was shocked when Anna phoned and told me.”
“I’m sorry, what?” She keeps a firm grip of my hand and starts leading me towards the centre. Oh God I know what’s going to happen.
She’s done this to me.
“Let’s not talk about that now, we have people to feed.” Like a reluctant child I follow behind her. I feel the eyes of the other volunteers firing bullets at my back as I walk forward with my suit on. The expensive brand setting the bullseye on my back.
I’m going to kill Ayria for this. The woman leads me through to the kitchen and hands me two trays which she gestures to the large table through the double doors. I stand like an idiot just waiting for this to end.
I can’t believe she has done this to me.
Again, and this time on my own. At least last time I could have pretended we were on a date, I would have lied a bit to anyone who asked but we still spent time together. That’s what mattered but now, today, I’m on my own and I feel out of my depth.
“Ok everyone, are you ready?” I think her name is Katie, anyhow she says it just like she did the last time and everyone shouts yes.
“Let’s feed loads of people.” Katie roars as she swings open the doors and we are all greeted by the warmer air and a crowd of people. I try to remember what Ayria said.
“You may not believe this but these people don’t want to be here anymore than you do.” I highly doubt that. I recognise the first person that comes up and he looks at me like I’ve lost a limb or something and for the life of me I can’t remember his name.
“You’re back? Where’s my Anna girl?” Barry, that’s his name, I remember now as his beady little eyes look at what I have in my tray.
“Anna couldn’t make it tonight.” I say as I take him in for the first time and see how frail and thin he looks. His clothes are all dirty, but I notice how his eyes light up as soon as he mentionsAyria’s fake name.
“She’s not normally in on these nights. Stood you up did she?”
“She did not stand me up.” I can feel the hurt in my pride as I say the words because she definitely did stand me up, set me up real good the little bitch but I don’t want to be mad with her.
“Well that one is special, does a lot for this place and the community.” He leans in and gestures for me to come in close to him.
“I know who she is, I’m not stupid.” He leans back looking proud of himself.
“You would have to be something special to stand a chance with the likes of her. Are you special enough?” Normally I would rage and shout about who I was and how I could deserve anyone I put my sights on, but I know every word that comes out of this man’s mouth is true. She’s pretty special, I may have only known her for a few weeks but even I can see it alreadyand I can only hope that I’m worthy enough for her. Wow so much crazy shit is going through my mind at the moment, ever since I met the woman.
“You know it too. Thought you could get away with it with your fancy clothes. I see you.” He goes back to looking at one of my trays with longing and I don’t have a comeback for him. He’s right, he’s read me so well and I feel stripped of everything standing here serving him. Serving him like he’s the better man - but he is. He can see the worth in something when I’m completely blinded by it.
“Can I have mash please, girlie’s boy?”
“Of course.” I give him as much as he wants and he looks up at me once more with a knowing smile before walking to the next person.
Much to my own relief I don’t have anymore time to dwell on what the guy said as we get really busy with all the people. Person after person steps up asking for food and lucky this time we can give it out as it’s not as busy as last time but it’s still enough to make me feel rushed off my feet. I am one of those people who doesn’t let things get to him but when an old woman comes in with a small child my heart stops. Their clothes are dirty, their faces too and the child looks so tiny as he clings to his grandmother’s hand. Everyone in the centre gives up room for them, are kind to them. They all have so little but are willing to give what they have to help this grandmother and child; the little boy looks into my eyes and although I see sadness there’s so much love in them. He’s not without love. Love. I have plenty of it, my family try to suffocate me with it, and all I do is try to push them away because I feel unworthy. I have money that could make a real difference to these people, but I choose not to help.
I’m pathetic and the truth rings in my ears with every new person that stands in front of me.By the time the doors close my body as well as my brain feels like it’s been on the hardest run of its life. I’m ready to drop dead, it’s worse than any day in the office, and I feel somewhat happy. Hopefully I have helped people tonight, I can’t remember the last time I was able to say I’d done that.
Never, probably.
I really am pathetic, aren’t I? I take my trays back into the kitchen and I see Katie try to help everyone. She turns as I step towards her.
“Thanks again for your help tonight Harry.”
“That’s ok.” I give her a smile and take the steps out of there. The heat still feels close as I start to walk home, I just need time to think tonight and I don’t even think about flagging down a cab. It’s not too late at night, I must only have been there for two hours tops, but there seems to be so many more people around who need help. I can’t help but think about how much more Katie could do if she had more money.
Maybe I should ask Ayria, she seems to know Katie well enough.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
AYRIA
As soon as we watch Harry step into the shelter Clive drives me back to the estate. I need to see the place, thoughts of what could be done with it dance in my mind. I haven’t been able to shake my mood all day. I still feel the same as I did when I left Harry at his place and I want Harry’s help in making my plans for the estate become a reality.
I can do it on my own, why do I need his help? Clive drives me back in silence and as soon as we drive through the gateI am back to being that small child again. Frightened and alone in this massive castle that hasdemons in every corner. I step through the front doors and I just want to leave again, demolish the building to rubble. I don’t like my grandfather’s kingdom any longer. All it represents are bad memories that I would much rather forget now he is gone.
I want to forget it all.
I got smarter after the event that changed everything though, I became harder and every male was my next plaything. I’d be exactly what they wanted for about a month, after that they would always show off their full colours and I could see what they were really like.
What they are all like in the end.
They only think with the brain between their legs.
They are all players in the end though, they all hate me in the end, and all I do in response is shake off all the negativity they keep throwing my way. I have never cared before, they could think what they liked about me but the thought of Harry thinking of me like that crushes everything inside me. I always knew the truth and that was all that matteredto me and then he comes into my world and fucks everything up wanting everything from me. He’s supposed to be like all the others but no, he has to make me start to feel things. Since the first day I met him there has been a change in the air, a static energy that doesn’t want to dissolve and disappear. I don’t want to act with Harry like I did with all the others, I don’t want to be that woman any longer.
I want to be me.
I want him to see me, see all that I am and what I really have to offer.
I had thought I could be like that once, I thought I could love but what makes me think this time willbe any different?
I loved once upon a time.
Can I love again?
Do I want to?
Love? No, I can’t. He is different though, he makes me feel things. He makes me feel things that I have never felt before. It’s different this time, it’s not like before, but can I trust all these things my mind is trying to tell me?
Love. Can I really love him?
Can I love again?
Am I capable of that? Is he? Can I trust him with my heart? I am still so unsure. There are so many things to be unsure about, but this feels like it is the most important, more life changing.I have carefully crafted all my defences, a big solid wall around me so no one can get to me but then Harry Bryant entered my world.
Harry Bryant came and attacked all my walls, knocking them all down as if they didn’t even matter. As if they weren’t there for a reason, but they were. I put them up and he’s just knocked them down. The world as I know it, the world my grandfather forced on me is crumbling down around me and I don’t know how to stop it.
Harry Bryant is so handsome, so wanting, he makes me wanting too. I want everything to do with him and I hate him so much for it.
I hate him for making me feel this way.
This isn’t apart of the rule book.
He makes me happy, he makes me mad.
All a man ever does is try too hard. They act like they are all man but they’re just pathetic animals and I always thought he would be the same. It all started as a vendetta against all men, a way to get back what the two men I loved the most had taken from me. Every time I started a new game I took my time with each and every one of them.They thought it was ok to steal hearts and run off when they got what they wanted and every time I threw it back at them. Harry has so much to offer any girl but if the newspapers are correct he just throws it all away for his own game. He has no plaything at the moment, but his radar has a subject and it’s me.
He wants me, he wants me badly and I want him just as bad. Oh God this wasn’t supposed to happen like this, I thought I had the perfect plan. He wassupposed to be like all the others and although he is in so many ways he’s so different too. He’s making me feel things. Making me feel things that I never thought I would ever be able to feel again.
Love.
I think I love the man.
Oh God. I feel like I’m sinking in quicksand. There is no way to pull myself up from this mess, I’m drowning and I’m going to die and he’s just looking on.
I love him.For the first time in my life there is something I really want but I can’t allow myself to have it. Fears of the same thing happening again are too strong to fight away, they consume me and take control every moment of every day of my pathetic life. I hate not being able to have what I want.
I don’t like these feelings, these emotions.
It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.
How dare he make me feel like this.
He’s making me feel things I never wanted to feel again.
How dare he change my own game on me.
He’s a bastard.
I hate him and I love him.
Arghhh how is he doing this? I’ve never allowed myself to feel like this before and it’s ripping through every fibre of my body. I’m suffocating in these thoughts, I can’t get away from the cold waters that are engulfing me, and I can’t reach the surface of my own mind to take a breath. At this point of the game I would be turning into the Ice Princess, the girl everyone knows, but I don’t know what to do. A part of me wants to rip him apart for making me feel like this and then the other just wants to get into his arms and stay there forever.
I can’t take this any longer.
I can’t allow him to have so much control.
Right, that’s it, and this time I mean it. I don’t care anymore I’m going to make his life hell just like I always do. The bastard deserves it, no one makes me feel things. I’m out of the estate as quick as I arrived.
“Are you ok, Miss?” I hear Clive say as he starts to drive away from hell.
That’s what the place is, hell.
“Could you take me back to my apartment please Clive?” He nods his head and the rest of the journey is made in more silence. I don’t know if I need it or if I need to talk things out but how can I expect anyone else to understand what’s in my head when I don’t have a clue myself?
Arghh I hate my life. I take my cell from my bag and message him to come over when he’s done. I need to see him.
****
“What are you doing to me?” He demands as I open my door and before I know what’s happening he takes a hold of my hand and leads me through to my living room, pushing me onto my couch. He looks down at me, hunger in his eyes.
“You made me go to that place again,Ayria.”
“You didn’t like it?”
“You’re changing me.” He says as he lowers his top half over me, one knee resting by my hip, and he starts laying little kisses around my mouth. His left hand moves up my leg and his fingers start to dance along the inside of my thigh, shivers shoot to my core from his touch and I have no control as my legs just fall open, begging him to take me like we both want him to.
“You want me?”
“Oh God yes please.” The words just fly from my lips before I can even think about it.
“No God here sweetheart, just me.” I fly off the couch as he sinks his fingers inside me. He knocks the breath out of me as he continues his invasion and I never want him to stop. He pulls away and I sit up. His jaw flexes as I push his underwear down and his erection greets me as soon as it’s freed, just waiting for me.I take a firm grip and his groan vibrates through the air around us and I just smile up at him.
“I want you.” I demand as I lick my lips and look back down at him.
“Do you want me Ayria?” He says as he takes my hands and pulls me off the couch.
“Yes.” He places his hands on both my shoulders and turns me around, pushing me so my hands rest on the couch. He stands behind me and I can feel his cock just where I need him. I move my bum, trying to play with him a little. A hiss escapes his clenched teeth as he pushes himself inside me, I feel his fingers take claim of my hair, twisting the strands around his fingers, pulling my head back towards him, making me feel him even deeper inside me if that’s even possible.
“This is going to be quick and deep.” He says as he thrusts inside me.
“Oh God.” I say as he thrusts again and again, every time he reaches that place inside me that wants to detonate with his touch and then he starts playing with my clit. Another sound erupts from his chest, it sounds almost animalistic in its pleasure as he stiffens inside me and squeezes my clit just as he thrusts one last time setting me off around him, making me see stars. I can feel the spurts of his release as warm liquid covers my womb.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
AYRIA
We spend the whole night wrapped in each other’s bodies.
No longer two separate beings but one.
One body.
One heart.
One soul. We are joining in ways I never knew were possible. I’ve fought my whole life to make sure I protected myself from this very thing, but I didn’t expect Harry’s power over me. I awake feeling light touches on my side and I instantly snuggle up closer to his chest, breathing him in.
“What are you doing to me Ayria?”
“What?” I look up at him, surprised.
Why is this my fault? He’s doing things to me. His arms come around my waist and then he pushes me onto my back. His knees are on either side of my hips and when I look down I can see he is already excited.
“You know what you’re doing. You’re a devil dressed like an angel.” He whispers in my ear and then takes a slow path up the side of my face with his tongue. Oh God that feels good. My breathing races between my lips as his cock gets bigger against my tum
my and I need him to use his massive tool to make me happy for the day.
“My stupid family won’t stop talking about you. They think I’m falling, but it’s just sex. Right?”
Just sex?
Stupid family? His eyes are looking at me as if he’s just hoping for me to confirm what he’s just said and long ago I would have, but I don’t want to. He’s so cocky and ungrateful, how could I be in love with him?But I am and I can’t help it. I let out a scream as he pushes himself inside me with unforgiving force. His fingers play with my nipple as his mouth descends on the other. He squeezes and bites, licks and pinches as he keeps thrusting with all he’s worth and I join him stroke for stroke, feeling him slide in and out of me. It’s delicious and worrying at the same time but even so I can feel myself teetering on the edge of a destruction I can’t see, waiting forjust the right touch, just the right word, but I have other plans. I can’t have this and I’m happy to go unsatisfied to make my point known. How dare he make me feel the things he’s making me feel? How dare he feel them too, if his family is correct? How dare he not know what a great thing he has in his family and make fun of them for it?
I want to knock his stupidity off his face.
He makes me so fucking crazy.
He makes me so mad. I don’t know what to do and then I see the handcuffs on his bedside table and get an idea.
A wicked idea. It would serve him right to leave them in the bedroom in the hope of using them on me. I sit up and push him so he’s the one on his back.
“I want to be on top.”
“Oh hell yeah.”I start kissing him, leaving butterfly touches on his skin.
“I want complete control of you.” I reach over and get the handcuffs and make sure he can see them.
