by Elaine May
I crawled into my bed and I’ve stayed there since, only getting out to go to the toilet or make myself a drink.
I am all alone and I have no one to blame but myself.
I hate who I am.
I hate this person my grandfather has turned me into.
****
I stay in bed.
I can’t move, I don’t want to, I just want my sadness to engulf me and swallow me whole.
I don’t know how to cope.
Each day is the same way, the anger that boils under the surface is growing stronger, building in intensity and I hate myself more and more.
I don’t know what to do, it just seems easy to stay within the safety of my own bed.
Tiredness swops down and claims me far too often and that’s how Clive finds me a week after that eventful morning.
Sunshine tries to blind me as it comes through the cloak of darkness I have smothered myself with. The rattle of the blinds as they swoop up the window disturbs my silent world. I try to open my eyes but they feel crusted with my tears. I feel the dip of my bed as Clive sits down by my feet.
“You need to get up.” He says as he lightly shakes my shoulder.
“I can’t.”
“And why’s that?” He says with a raised brow, just waiting for my excuse.
“Because I’m embarrassed. I pushed him too much and now he’s gone.”
“He’s only gone if you let him.”
“What?” I sit up to see what he’s getting at and notice he’s brought me a tray of my favourite breakfast. Chocolate chip pancakes with a side bowl of different berries, a glass of orange juice and a pot of tea. Yummy, and just what I need.
“You love him and he loves you. It’s so easy to see Ayria and if you want him in your life you have to fight for him. You can’t just laze around here feeling sorry for yourself. You’ve made mistakes, we all do. You’re not alone, tell him you’re sorry.”
He gets up and starts to walk to the door and just before he walks out he turns back around.
“Fight for him.”
Fight for him? Clive makes it all sound so easy.
I love him.
I love him so much but can he still love me after everything that I’ve done?
Can we still have anything worth fighting for? I hope so because I can’t keep living like this.
Living without him.
Missing him and missing apart of myself because without him I don’t feel whole.
Without him there’s apart of my soul missing.
Without him there’s apart of my heart missing and I have to get him back if I want myself back too.
I love him.
CHAPTERTHIRTY-THREE
HARRY
I never realised before how lonely I have been, days go by and I try to carry on as normal but nothing seems to help.
I thought all I ever needed was a hot woman around my cock.
I was wrong.
I need so much more, I needAyria but I sent her away.
I miss her so much and the more time I am away from her isn’t helping.
She drove me crazy with all her antics, tying me to my bed, ripping my shirts, trying to drop my phone in wine, but my car was the last straw.Berserk rage took hold of me as I watched her, I was paralysed, unable to do anything as she continued to strike at my beloved baby.
My car.
The one thing I loved but I love her. Even if she is crazy there is something about her I don’t want to forget. I can’t seem to get enough of her even though she is as crazy as fuck.
I have made her go and now there is nothing in my soul except the echoes of my loneliness.
It is all around me, staring me in the face every day of my pathetic life.
What’s the point of success?
What’s the point of the fancy cars?
What’s the point of the fancy penthouse?
What’s the point of anything if you don’t have that one person, a family to share it with?
I love her and she is gone.
She forced me to see what is all around me.
Forced me to see what I am really doing with my life.
She’s made me grow up. I have always had so much and I’ve always taken it for granted when so many others have so little. I have a family that loves me, they may do my head in at times, annoy the shit out of me, but we’re family and we only get one and mine’s pretty amazing when you stop to have a proper look.
She made me stop and look around.
And now she is gone and I am left all alone.
Nothing feels right with her gone.
There is no normality to my life without her here to fuck with me and I feel like my heart is being stopped with the repercussions of my actions.
I sent her away but I am addicted to her.
What should I do now? The thought of not seeing her every day cripples me even if she screwed with me every chance she had.
My cock is screaming to be inside of her, her skin so flawless in any light, making her look like an angel. She messed with my heart and I was so angry, everyone of my muscles were coiled and restricted, but I still want her.
I want her back where she belongs but how can I even start to say sorry?
I need my family, I need my Dad.
His approval is something I have always wanted. I have always looked up to my Dad, I have always wanted to be just like him but I have always thought that Jackson got there quicker.
Was better. My relationship with my family has always been strained, it hits me more than I could ever care to admit but it is all my own doing.
I did it and all they ever tried to do was love me and right now I need that more than anything.
****
It’s been days but my heart still feels like it has been ripped in two, like unbearable pain slicing through my soul.
There’s a pain in my chest that wants to suffocate me.
My stomach feelslike it’s falling into no man’s land, illuminating all my fears and anger.
I need to talk about everything, I need to get everything out.
Mywhole world feels like it’s been forced off its axis and myhead won’t stop spinning from the never-ending effects.
Day turns into night by the time I get off my arse and drive to my parents, apart of myself screaming not to, but I just need their friendly faces.
I park my second favourite car and just sit in it for a while, not knowing what to say to my parents, after everything I have been like with them.
I’ve always been a little shit.
I take a deep breath, getting ready to get out and face the music, and from the corner of my eye I can see my parents’ front dooropening and them both running out to greet me. I get out and lean back against my car as Mom does the same, Dad just standing to her side, their eyes asking questions as to why I’m here.
“Harry, what’s wrong?” My mom asks and I suddenly feel sick to think that my loneliness has forced us here. Even so, Mom gives me a gentle smile as she takes hold of my hand like she did when we were all younger.
“I..I...I.” I can’t get any words out as I just stare out at the home I was brought up in. I was so lucky. This house was always full of love and I just always took it for granted, whereas the woman I love had something completely different.
“I..I made her leave.” Tears mix up with my words and I can see the surprised look she gives Dad. I rarely show my emotions
“Why don’t you come in and tell us what happened?”Mom says and I can tell they both look at each otherwith concerned faces.
This is so unlike me. Tears just seem towell up in my eyes and I can’t control them as they start theirjourney down my cheeks. I love her, I love her so much it’smaking my whole body ache just wanting to be with her again. The thoughtof never being close to her again is like a noose around my neckending my life as it tightens and coils. I hear Mom and Dad talking in quiet whispers and then Mom squeezes my hand before she walks away and back to the house. Dad and I are
silent for a couple of minutes, the heat of the day still strong around us as I think of what to say, but he beats me to it.
“Your brother came to me when he found out what Marco had done to Isabelle. He was like you. Didn’t know what to do and I’m going to tell you what I said to him.”
“She’s crazy, Dad. She did so many crazy things but I fell in love with her anyway. She broke me down and I told her to go” I hear Dad take in a breath and then he turns to look at me.
“I always knew your mom was the one. I lost her and itwas like my whole world had ended. Then one day a strangercame into my world who was so much like the girl I loved.She had secrets but there was something about her that calledto me. I fell in love easily and then with just one envelope myworld turned upside down. So many things stood in our waybut we loved each other. We fought them together, wewere stronger together, and we fought with both our lives andwe made something beautiful. We made us, our marriage, thisfamily, and even though the start of our journey was hard tobegin with I wouldn’t change a thing because it meant I hadyour mom. We have you, your brothers and sister.”
“I know what you’re trying to say Dad but...but it’s not that easy. She always makes everything so difficult.”
“Do you love her?”
“Yes.” And I say it before I can even think about anything else instead.
“Then that’s all you need to know, isn’t it?”
“I guess, but Dad, when I say she’s crazy I mean it. She took a knife to my car.” My dad’s face looks surprised for a moment and then he starts to give away a small laugh.
“Sorry, I know how much you love that car.” He’s right I do, it isn’t just a car, it is my pride and joy.
“That’s the point. I’m pathetic.” He just gives away a smile at me that makes me feel somewhat forgiven.
“You can’t really believe that Harry? You are still a young man finding your place in things.”
“How can you say that Dad?”The words come out of my mouth before I even havetime to think differently because deep down I know that it’s all true and Dad just looks at me, not knowing what to say to me in return.
“I would imagine she had a tough life with that old man. She can’t help who her grandfather was and how she was raised. I would imagine she had to keep her heart guarded, never knew who she could trust. I guess we would all be crazy.”
“I guess that would make sense.” I say, looking up at the stars.
“Wouldn’t you be like that if you had to live with that bastard?” He says.
“Yeah, I guess I would.”
“Would you want the one person you trusted, you loved, to forgive you?”
“Yes.”
“Then you know what you need to do if you love her. You just do whatever you need to do to get her back. You love her, that’s all that matters.”
“I do love her.”
“Then you’d best go and win her back, son. Your mother and I would like another daughter-in-law to welcome into the family. Some new grandbabies would be good too.” I look up, rolling my eyes and see Mom looking out at us through the window.
“Dad.” I say, turning back to him.
“What? I want a nice big family. Is that too much to ask?”
“You already have enough.”
“Nahh. We could never have enough, so you’d best get going.” He pushes my shoulder with his and we both start laughing.
“I’m sorry I was always a shit.”
“What?”
“You heard me, old man.” Laughter still echoing in my voice.
“Go on, go get your girl.”
My girl.
I need my girl by my side.
She may be damaged but she is still mine.
Still the woman I love.
My girl - and I want to win her back.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
HARRY
I leave my parents with a lighter heart than I’ve had during the whole week since she left. I don’t know why but I am drawn to the club I saw her in when I finally got to have her. I park my car and am able to beat the crowds in the line and as I step inside I know she is here.
She is here just waiting for me to make everything right again. I walk around the club in search of her. With every step I take she is nowhere in sight but the feeling stays.
I can’t get rid of it but the more I look she is still nowhere to be seen. I go to the bar and ask for a light beer, and I am taking small sips of the alcoholic sweetness when she appears like an angel at the other end of the dance floor.
She looks breathtakingly beautiful. She looks much more reserved than last time, no sultry dress this time, she wears tight jeans that cling to the shape of her legs and a black top that wraps around her slender neck, a peekaboo hole at her breasts.
She looks amazing but she isn’t alone. A man comes up behind her, trying to get his arms around her, trying to get her attention.
I see red.
How dare he?
He is fucking flirting with her and she is letting him.
She hasn’t seen me yet but the bastard gets to me.
She is getting to me, does she unbeknownst to herself want to get me mad? If she does then it is working.
How dare he have his fingers all over her?
How dare she let him? An eruption like no other wants to rip through me and I can feel my fists brewing to hit this motherfucker right in his pretty face.
I left my family to come find her, tell her how sorry I am and ask to be forgiven and then I find her like this.
Is New York not big enough?
Were the Gods so cruel to make me find her like this? Obviously not. I have never met a woman who was more determined to annoy me so much, even when she doesn’t know I can even see her. She is fucking insane and I still like it.
I love her. After everything she has done, after everything she has said, it doesn’t stop my cock getting bigger every time I see her wet lips and then bite that full bottom lip like I can see her doing right now.
Shit, she can see me and she’s playing with me like the little minx she is. Her eyes rake me all over and I can’t help but think about the way her face fell as she took in everything she did the last time I saw her. She looks as if her heart is all of a sudden breaking all over again at what she did. I put my glass down and just stare at her.
Stare at the woman I love. His fingers are too far south for my liking and I give him my devil stare and she only looks back at me with a ‘what are you going to do about it’ stare.
I can’t stand this.
Nothing has felt right since she left.
Life doesn’t feel the same without her.
I love her and right now another man has his hands all over my woman.
That’s it, I’ve had enough of this shit. I get up and storm over to her, towering above her and her date as her smile slips from my fast actions.
Oh yeah, I can move quick when it comes to you baby.
“You’re leaving.” I say as I hold out my hand for her. We need to get this sorted and we need to do it now. No more playing games, but she doesn’t move. She just looks at me with shock and the prick of a date she’s with just looks at me like a cocky bastard.
“What do you want to talk about?” She asks and I can see the embarrassment swim in her eyes. She doesn’t know what to do.
“Does this guy know what you’re really like?” I can’t believe I’m throwing this at her but at this point I’ll do anything to get her away from him, even if it means she’s pissed at me.
“Does he know you’re like a black widow spider going in for the kill?”
“What?” The prick asks and I turn to look at him.
“Oh yeah, she’ll consume your every waking moment. She’ll consume you in your sleep and then when she has you she’ll devour you and leave you for dead.”
“That’s an over-exaggeration, don’t you think?”She says, putting her hands on her hips and I get right up in her face, as much as
I can without being hit by date boy that is.
“I don’t think so, and I also think I’m the only one who can tame you.” Her eyebrows rise, her teeth taking a nibble of her bottom lip.
“The only one to make you happy.”
“Look, we’re on a date here, man.” Date man says.
“Then leave, I’m not stopping you.”I say back, glad that Ayria doesn’t say anything in his defence.
“Leave, she’s with me.” He says, raising his hand to push at my chest but I grab his wrist before he can.
“She isn’t anymore.”He looks at me and then looks back at Ayria.
“You’re not worth this shit.” He says, before turning around and walking away to another victim. My eyes remain on Ayria and I’m glad she doesn’t look upset.
There may be hope. I grab her hand and lead her through the chaos of the club and through the front doors.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
AYRIA
I can’t believe he’s here.
Once Clive left me to have my breakfast, I had a bath and then I went out for a walk. A walk that lasted a lot longer than I anticipated. As the night grew darker it was like a sixth sense took me over, taking control of my mind and my limbs, and I just knew I had to come to this club.
I didn’t come here with the intention of meeting another victim, I just came because something told me to. I started the walk with the hope I could figure out what to make of my life, what to do about Harry, and then he just turned up. It couldn’t have been at a worse time, as soon as I entered the club it was like the guy caught me and he was determined to make something happen. His hands were all over the place and I tried to push him away but he wasn’t interested.
Then I saw Harry and I liked how he acted all territorial for me.
No one has ever been like that over me before and I can’t deny how something warmed my heart as I watched him stare down the other man.
He’s pulling me through the club, his fingers a vice around my wrist, and when we step out the doors the warm summer heat engulfs me and it forcibly reminds me of what I didthe last time I saw Harry.
What is he going to do?
What does he want?I start to tremble as he stops in front of me and turns to take me all in. My head feels heavy with a cocktail of excitement and apprehension as he towers above me and we both wait for this showdown to start. I can hear his heavy breathing, I can see his chest rise and fall, and I just want to pull him against me and say I’m sorry for everything. If I’m lucky feel his lips against my own again but I have no idea what’s about to happen.
