(Book Three)
Copyright © 2018 by Harmon Cooper
Copyright © 2018 Boycott Books
Edited by Andi Marlowe
Cover by MIBL Studios
Narrated by Jeff Hays
www.harmoncooper.com
[email protected]
Twitter: @_HarmonCooper
All rights reserved. All rights preserved. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
JOIN THE PROXIMA GALAXY
Reader,
Before you begin, you should know that most of my series are connected through the “Proxima Galaxy,” which is the name for the online galaxy in which works such as The Feedback Loop series, the Fantasy Online series, and The Last Warrior of Unigaea trilogy takes place.
You can join the Proxima Galaxy on Facebook here, or by clicking the image below. The group gets exclusive content, early previews of new works, advanced copies, free audiobooks, and eventually, we will work on a wiki that shows just how intertwined all these series are.
-Harmon Cooper
The Fantasy Online series is dedicated to the memory of Tom Shutt.
Map of Hyperborea
Click to enlarge
Map of Polynya
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“Continents, three,
Float over the Endless Sea,
Hyperborea, Polynya, and Ultima Thule.”
--A famous Tritanian poem
“Takha bae bitakh novlaa rakh Aya Bortaetae,
Huborakha, Polonkhya, Hutamae Dulekh.”
--Written in Romanized Thulean
Table of Contents
JOIN THE PROXIMA GALAXY
Map of Hyperborea
Map of Polynya
Table of Contents
.1. To Waringtla by Way of Tokyo
.2. Fallen Angel
.3. Bugbears are Assholes
.4. Occult Bakery and Athenaeum
.5. The Poo Fighters
.6. Tamana’s Test
.7. Bro Down
.8. The Maid Cafe in Akihabara
.9. Bluwid is an Actual Shithole (Not like Jatla)
.10. Upgrade
.11. Dungeons and Goblins
.12. No One Want to Live Next to a Gangster
.13. Queen of the Rings
.14. Ramen Revelations
.15. Kodai Gets Lucky
.16. Pastries and a Side Quest
.17. Lubed Up Sabotage
.18. Kayi Regroup
.19. Swords at Play
.20. Flaming Zombie Dwarves and a Sad Game of Touch Chest
.21. New Recruits for the Shinigami
.22. Samsquanch
.23. Class Act
.24. Cosmic Dust
.25. With a Little Help from My Friends
.26. Out of Retirement and Into the Fire
Epilogue
Ryuk Matsuzaki’s Character Sheet
Hiccup’s First Novella
Back of the Book Shit
The Last Warrior of Unigaea PREVIEW
Get connected with other LitRPG readers!
.1. To Waringtla by Way of Tokyo
The last thing Ryuk wants to see is Hiccup’s naked ass sprawled out on the floor.
Luckily, he’s on his belly, Ryuk thinks as his avatar takes shape.
Everything that has happened over the last few hours comes to him in a sudden flash. He recalls taking Hajime to the repair facility using the instructions the humandroid sent him over iNet.
He was so calm, so collected, Ryuk thinks. He then feels stupid for thinking this: Of course Hajime was calm and collected; he isn’t real, or at least, he doesn’t feel the same emotions we do.
After Ryuk released him to the repair facility, Hajime walked him through the next steps he needed to take.
First, Ryuk installed the most powerful encryption apps available on the dark web. He then booked a Proxima capsule hotel not far from Hajime’s location under a false name using fake life chip info and a chip masker.
He even had a fabricated life story just in case someone asked him (he was a college student visiting a sick relative, his alias was Madara Uchiha). Ryuk was instructed to stay logged in until Hajime recovered, twelve hours total, which would still give him time to meet FeeTwix and Sophia in person under Hajime’s watchful eye.
And that was that. Hajime would pick him up tomorrow and they’d continue their new, fugitive-esque lives in Tokyo.
Whatever that entails.
Ryuk hasn’t really figured out what happens yet or where they’ll go. His brother will be looking for him; Hajime was certain that Tesla would be repaired, and she’d be looking for them as well.
Then there was his mother. Her assistant had already contacted him demanding answers. If Kodai couldn’t find him, his mother could. She was resourceful; she had connections across the city.
As Hajime had told him over iNet: it is imperative to keep a low profile.
“Yoy, yoy, yoy,” Hiccup mumbles in his sleep.
The cranky goblin is in the Knights of Non Compos Mentis’ secret guildhall alone, likely having cleared everyone out with a blast from the past. In this case, the ‘past’ meaning something he ingested earlier.
Damn goblin.
Hiccup rubs his belly, says ‘yoy’ a few more times, and lets out a painful squeaker.
“Wake up,” Ryuk tells him, his nose twitching as Hiccup’s stank reaches his nostrils.
“You can’t have my chalupa, Barry!” The goblin kicks awake, wild-eyed and ready to fight. He’s on his feet now, two tomahawks at the ready.
Ryuk glances away immediately, barely catching a glimpse of the goblin’s chalupa.
“Fick, Marbles! What happened to my clothes?” Hiccup tosses his tomahawks over his shoulder. One cuts into a table; the other skitters across the floor.
“I was going to ask you that,” Ryuk says hurriedly, his eyes shut tight.
“Well, if I fickin’ knew where they were, I wouldn’t ask you. Gee, Marbles, you sure can be a fickwit. Actually, come to think of it, I think I lost my clothes to Snake Eyes, you know, that ninja guy.”
“His name is Aiden.”
“Yeah, Brandon, whatever.”
“Aiden.”
“Stop interrupting me, Marbles. Fick, where was I?” Hiccup’s eyebrows narrowed. “That’s right, my clothes. Pretty sure I just lost my pants. Dunno who took my underoos and my top.”
Ryuk sighs. “Where are the others?”
“Back in Kayi with Elfy, Wolfy, Snowballs, and Conan.”
“And who is Barry? You were saying something about that when I woke you up.”
“Who’s Barry? Ha! There’s a question you won’t like the answer to, Marbles. Barry is an evil ass bumfick ink shadow who tried to steal my chalupa about a day or so before all this shit happened – and by ‘all this shit’ I mean all the shit you and Tammy caused. Long story long: two days before we set off on our little ficked up adventure, I technically lost my chalupa to an ink shadow. I then had to put together a ton of shit, including a parade, a massage, a Michelin star dinner and a stay at Jatla’s best hotel, to appease octopus squirt so I could keep said chalupa.”
“Jatla has a best hotel?” Ryuk cringes, his eyes still closed.
“Fick yeah it does. All dirty, greasy, filthy places have an expensive spot for the richkins to rub their elbows and dip their chalupas in the locals’ special sauce. I’m sure Japan has tons of places like that.”
“Okay. Will you put some fucking clothes on?”
“Jeez, Marbles, you act like you’ve never seen a chalu
pa before. Well, I guess it’s hard if yours is always tucked between your legs. Ha! Anyfickin’ hoo, that’s who I was screaming about, an ink shadow named Barry. And you can open your eyes now. I put on some clothes I had stashed in my list. I didn’t like this monkey suit before, but now I’m kind of digging it.”
Ryuk very carefully cracks an eye open to find Hiccup in the white potato sack he got from the Empress’ designers. A thought comes to him.
“Why are you looking at me like I got your sister pregnant?” Hiccup asks.
“What you were saying earlier about Barry the ink shadow...it was pretty grueling, right?”
“Fick yeah, it was grueling.”
Ryuk points a finger at him. “Could this be why you were sleeping when Tamana was abducted? A little too much excitement the night before?”
Hiccup burps. “Ha! You could say that. But fick, Marbles, if you want my fickin’ backstory, I’ll let you borrow my diary. And if you’re trying to blame me for the Shinigami kidnapping Tamana’s flat but fine Japanese ass, then point that finger somewhere else. That shit wasn’t my fault.”
Ryuk feels the urge to argue more but bites his tongue. It is useless to argue with a goblin, he reminds himself.
“Damn thing.” Hiccup holds up his mechanical arm. “It vibrates a bit while I sleep, which was why I was sleeping on my belly. But if I sleep on my side, it wakes me up. Can’t win with this damn contraption.”
“Then sleep on your other side.”
“You sleep on your other side! Sheesh, Marbles, your tone is uncalled for, and definitely safe space inducing. But I’ll discuss that with my fickin’ therapist later.” The goblin hawks a loogie on the floor. “Look, the maids here can clean that up. We need to get a move on, to Kayi. Get this horse and pony show on the road.”
Ryuk looks around at the grand room, from the elaborate furniture to the floor to ceiling windows overlooking the courtyard outside. “I was wondering why you were resting here.”
“Why wouldn’t I rest here? It’s warm, there are no elves, there’s absolutely no chance someone will stab me, and I mean, let’s be honest, Marbles, our guild is slowly filling up with immiNPC fickbags, commoners that haven’t been properly vetted, huckster-ass-fickboys, two lizards, and your poofty fruit ass. So I needed a little peace and quiet. Fickin’ sue me.”
“Let’s go, Hiccup.” Ryuk lifts his finger and a spawning point appears, the location of the rest of his guild appearing in gold letters.
“Wait, before we go to Kayi, let me at least fickin’ steal something!”
“Seriously?”
“Yes, seriously. Who knows when we’ll be back. Fick, when in doubt, loot. Am I right? Look the other way if you’re scared the Knights will give a shit.”
The goblin waddles over to a cashmere throw blanket on the couch. He rubs the blanket against his cheek, considers its softness, and tosses it into his list.
“Come on, Hiccup, let’s go.”
“Fick, Marbles, never rush an artist mid-loot!”
(0)__(0)
“Hold up, everybody!” Black-eyed FeeTwix says to the mirror in his hand. “Ryuk has left the building. I mean, Ryuk has entered the building!”
Zaena, who sits on Enway’s couch, chuckles. She’s next to the high elf, and she still wears her sexy white dress from the DJ Ride the Lightning and Holo-Beatles concert. Oric is nowhere to be found, nor are Wolf and Yangu.
“What the twix are you going on about, Ficky? Fick! You know what I mean. I fickin’ hate your name. Sounds like a breakfast cereal. Actually, I like breakfast cereals, so I retract my previous statement: I like your name. ‘Sup, Twixy.”
The two bump fists.
“Wazzup! Sorry for leaving you back there, Hiccup. The place was …” The Swede clears his throat.
“Was what?”
“A bit odorous, goblin,” says Zaena.
“Well excuse me, Princess, but some of us eat well and have evidence of how well we eat.”
“How is stuffing your face full of dragon wings eating well?”
“I know this sounds a bit carnivorous, Liz, or should I say cannibalistic? But you get my fickin’ point: dragon wings are good eating, and you don’t need to be a fickered snowflake foodie to know that. Now, before I can be judged or shamed anymore, I’m out.”
Hiccup leaves, heading straight into what Ryuk assumes is Enway’s bedroom.
The entire guild’s stats appear and Ryuk quickly scans them, remembering where they all stand:
Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 19 Ballistics Mage
HP: 602/602
ATK: 118
MATK: 149
DEF: 89
MDF: 73
LUCK: 24
FeeTwix Fajer Level 21 Berserker Mystic
HP: 815/815
ATK: 170
MATK: 30
DEF: 88
MDF: 51
LUCK: 23
Hiccup Level 18 Shield Thief
HP: 888/888
ATK: 110
MATK: 17
DEF: 241
MDF: 113
LUCK: 38
Zaena Morozon Level 20 Brawler Assassin
HP: 786/786
ATK: 214
MATK: 9
DEF: 119
MDF: 44
LUCK: 24
Enway Zoltan Rosa Level 15 White Mage
HP: 411/435
MANA: 251/268
ATK: 63
MATK: 78
DEF: 55
MDF: 106
LUCK: 19
Oric Rune Level 58 Warrior Berserker
HP: 304/3104
ATK: 554
MATK: 11
DEF: 467
MDF: 389
LUCK: 31
Wolf Level 38
HP: 2296/2296
ATK: 679
MATK: 0
DEF: 521
MDF: 236
LUCK: 19
Enway laughs. “Hiccup is not going to like what he finds in there.”
“No, he won’t,” says FeeTwix. “Now, like I was telling you all, Krunkin’ Kronuts has a special this month. It’s winter time, and burrrrr is it cold! Warm your happy ass up – ha! – with a gingerbread mocha pumpkin spice latte with a maple drizzle, and Krunkin’ Kronuts winter exclusive St. Valentine’s Day Massacre Kronut with cherry blossom icing, white peppermint sprinkles and a red velvet molten chocolate core. Get you some! Mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout to get a thirty percent discount on the set. This promo is worldwide, people, so whether you’re in Seoul, South Korea or Stamford, Connecticut, you get the same discount. Okay, everyone, new contest coming soon. Review my feed for anything you’ve missed, and I’ll be back in a jiffy!”
“We need to talk,” Ryuk says as soon as FeeTwix’s eyes have gone blue.
“Why the fick is Oric in my bed?” Hiccup asks, stomping back into the room.
“He still isn’t well,” Enway tells him. “Plus, that’s not your bed. You can have my seat if you’d like.”
“And sit next to a princess? Don’t mind if I do!”
Enway stands and Hiccup plops down into her seat. “You’ve got yourself quite the warm ass there, Elfy. Wait a minute: that’s not sexual harassment, is it?”
Zaena shrugs.
“Fick me, you never can be too careful today. Now, where were we? Someone was saying something.”
“I was,” Ryuk tells the goblin. “And if you’d be quiet for a moment, I’d be able to finish what I’m saying.”
Hiccup chortles. “Damn, Marbles, say your piece. Don’t let Uncle Goblin stop you.”
“So, there’s been a further complication in Tokyo.”
Ryuk explains to the guild how Kodai’s humandroid assaulted his humandroid, how he intervened, and how he is now hiding out using a fake identity until Hajime is well again.
“So, the robots fought? Fick yeah, I’d pay to see me a good robot fight.”
“And you aren’t worried about your brother watching FeeTwix’s feed and seeing
that you’re here?” Enway asks.
“I am worried about that, which is why we should move now. It’s almost morning, and if we’re going to go after the Runestones of Tritinakh, we should start up now. Maybe go up to the Sabors.”
“Where were the other two?” FeeTwix asks Ryuk.
“One location is unknown.”
“I can have my fans help me with that.”
Ryuk nods. “The other is at the easternmost part of the catacombs, under Waringtla, most likely.”
“Fick the catacombs and fick ink shadows. Also, did you just say your brother beat your ass again using a robot? Am I following this right? Marbles, you’ve got to get that dirty fickin’ brother of yours in check! If I were you, I’d leave a fickin’ IED on his doorstep. Problem solved.”
“I don’t want to kill him, Hiccup.”
“Why the fick not? If this were a goblin issue, it’d already be solved by now. Someone would be ‘sleeping with the fishes in the Endless Sea,’ if you get my drift.”
“Did you say Waringtla?” Oric, now on a crutch, stands in the hallway that leads to Enway’s bedroom.
“Glad you could fickin’ join us, Tarzan. How’s my bed?”
“It’s my bed,” Enway reminds him. “You’ve never slept in it.”
“That’s because you didn’t let me. Part of the paperwork you signed when you went through your extreme vetting process was about goblin bedding, FYI.”
“You’re kidding.”
Hiccup grins. “It was in Thulean.”
“Enough, Hiccup,” says FeeTwix. “Yes, Oric, we were talking about Waringtla. Know anything about the place?”
Oric coughs into his arm. “I have an old friend in Waringtla named Lothar who runs a bakery called the Occult Bakery and Athenaeum. He’ll definitely know more about the Runestones and their location. Plus, he has a book I’d like to give one of you.”
“I love reading,” Hiccup says, “as long as it involves a harem, is self-published, barely edited, and combines genres one wouldn’t normally think of combining, I’m fickin’ sold.”
Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh Page 1
