“The book isn’t for you.” Oric turns to Enway. “It’s for you; I believe it would give you quite the leg up, and my friend, Lothar, should be able to explain some of it to you.”
“For me?” She smiles at Oric and Ryuk feels a pang of jealousy. “Thanks, Oric!”
“So back to what we were kind of discussing earlier,” FeeTwix says, his eyes still blue. “My feed was on when Ryuk arrived. If your brother–”
“–Kodai.”
Hiccup snorts. “What kind of poofty ass Japanese name is that? Isn’t sushi a Japanese word? I’d love me some fresh lamb sushi.”
Lamb sushi? Ryuk cringed at the thought. “Anyway, if Kodai is monitoring my feed, he’ll know we were here.”
“Which means we need to get on the closest airship out of here,” Enway says.
“I’ll stay,” says Oric, “even with my illness, those fuckers don’t stand a chance.”
“Well look who is all of a sudden the most confident member of the Mitherfickers,” Hiccup stage whispers to Ryuk. “He is a member, right? I’m losing track. If anything, we should let that ninja guy in.”
“Yes, Oric is a member, and no, Aiden can’t join us.”
“Remember when I called him Afternoon Delight?”
“No.”
“You’re really no fun, Marbles.” The goblin slowly stands, his hand on his lower back. “Listen up, Mitherfickers, someone has to take charge here, and that someone is me. Let’s go!”
With that the goblin marches to the door, swings it wide open, squeezes out a parting poot, and steps into the streets.
(0)__(x)
“Maybe we should just let him march down the street and right off a cliff. There is a cliff here, correct?” Zaena asks Enway.
“And another thing,” Hiccup says as he lets himself back into Enway’s antique shop. “Where the fick are Snowballs and Wolfballs?”
Oric points to the back door.
“Good, just checking. The wolf is coming with us, right?” he asks, making his way to the back door. “Not that I like him or anything, but...he’s useful. Cute too. Useful and cute. Kind of like me.”
“He should probably stay here and protect Oric,” FeeTwix says.
“You heard Conan over here, the big man can handle himself. I need a fickin’ ride. If we are going a long distance, I don’t plan to use these two bow-legged ficksticks to carry me the entire way. No sir. Too much walking.”
Hiccup opens the back door and shrieks as a donkey-sized wolf presses through, knocking the goblin on his back.
“Yoy!”
Wolf stands over Hiccup now, licking his face.
“That’s adorable!” Enway says to Zaena’s laughter.
“You have finally found a friend, goblin,” says the Thulean.
And before Hiccup can start up the curse train, a young dragon nearly Wolf’s size crashes through the back door, taking both Wolf and Hiccup out.
“Yooooy!”
“Yangu?” Ryuk gasps.
“I forget to tell you that part,” says FeeTwix as he places his arm around Ryuk’s shoulder. “Yangu is growing.”
“Get the fick off me!” Hiccup swats at Wolf until he lets him up. Once on his knees, Hiccup comes face to face with the icy blue snow dragon. “Holy shit, Snowballs, someone needs to put your fat ass on a fickin’ diet.”
Yangu pulls his neck back, the scales on the back of his forehead lifting. His cheeks puff out, and he blows a small cloud over Hiccup’s head, which rains snowflakes onto the goblin’s pink topknot.
Back on his feet, Hiccup scoots behind Ryuk, putting the Ballistics Mage between the snow dragon and him.
“You scared, Hiccup?” Ryuk asks.
“No, he’s not a fickin’ ghost! Just don’t want to get my hair all icy. I heard that’s a great way to kickstart male-goblin-pattern-baldness. I’ll keep my pink topknot, thank you very much. Fick, let’s get out of here.”
Again, the goblin exits. Yangu approaches Ryuk and drops on the floor before him, showing him his white-blue belly. The snow dragon’s tongue falls out of its mouth, and it coos as it looks up at Ryuk, to the collective ‘aw’s of Enway and Zaena.
“You know,” Oric says, once he’s sure that Hiccup won’t barge back in, “you could leave the goblin here, and I could get him wasted and ship him off to New Gotha.”
“Or back to Jatla,” Ryuk suggests.
“What are you talking about, guys?” the Swede asks. “Everyone loves Hiccup! His followers have even started a Wikipedia page for him. I think one of them is compiling Hiccup hijinks and quotes into a videobook.”
“I agree with Oric,” says Zaena. “He is useless, and his disappearance or death would be better for our guild all around.”
Wolf barks.
Oric glances down at his towering canine and frowns. “Really?”
“You two can communicate?” Enway asks.
“We’ve been together for six years now so yes, in a way.”
“Well, what did he say?” asks FeeTwix. “And next time you two talk, let me know so I can record it. People love dogs. Add a cute pup to anything and people will love it. Not as click-worthy as kittens, but shit, kittens are gold.”
“He indicated that he doesn’t dislike the goblin.”
Zaena stands. “Let’s settle this now, either Wolf goes or stays, but we definitely must go. Who has an airship schedule?”
“I do,” says Enway as she takes a slip of paper from her inventory list. “Ah, we can take the shuttle at the Hour of the Mana, not long from now. The ship doesn’t go straight to Waringtla; it stops outside the Jatla Forest before it turns south to Talini. That should work, though.”
“Good,” Ryuk says, turning to the door. “Let’s do this then.”
Wolf tears past Ryuk and hops over Yangu, who still lies on the ground with his belly up.
Oric laughs. “I guess he is going with you guys then. I’ll keep an eye on the snow dragon.” He coughs into his hand. “Yangu, correct?”
“Or Snowballs,” says FeeTwix as his eyes turn black. “I’m back, everyone! Did you miss me? I missed you, and you, and you, especially you, Kay. That’s a great gif, Bobby. Hiya, Todd! Hello, Don, Chi-raq, am I right? Jay, you my bae!”
“What the bloody fick is he going on about?” Hiccup asks as he reenters the space. “And for the love of fick, let’s go already.”
(x)__(x)
Just as Ryuk expected, their first battle happens just about the moment they touch down in a clearing outside the Attla Forest.
It was a quick trip, their speed bolstered by the fact that the airship didn’t have any further stops it needed to make along the way. Hiccup napped on Wolf most of the trip, so their shared cabin was relatively quiet, albeit aromatic at times. FeeTwix mostly spoke to his fans as Zaena lay in his lap. This left Enway and Ryuk to converse, which was mostly her asking him questions about Tokyo and him answering, and then wishing he’d answered in a better way.
“Fick you, spiders!” FeeTwix screams, his tactical vest on and an L85 under each arm. The bullpup assault rifles shred the approaching spiders, acid green ooze spritzing out of the their bodies with each hit they take.
-35 HP! -53 HP! -21 HP! - 38 HP! -72 HP!
The gun-crazed Swede finishes his mags and tosses his weapons aside.
A healing potion appears in his hand and he throws it back, finishing half of it before tossing the potion in the air to Hiccup, who catches it with one hand and back-swings his ax into the multi-eyed face of a spider that’s just dropped from a tree.
Instakill!
“Fick yeah!” Wolf zips in front of Hiccup and the goblin latches on, somehow managing to pull his weight up to a full-on ride.
A spider leaps for Hiccup and Wolf just as Ryuk fires a gravity marble at it.
-49 HP!
The gravity marble creates a clear bubble in the air that explodes, sending the spider backwards into a low-hanging branch.
-315 HP! Critical hit!
Us
ing her ghost limbs to propel her forward, Zaena cuts through a cluster of spiders that have surrounded Enway. The Thulean flips and comes down, superhero landing on a spider’s body with her swords pointing downward.
Instakill!
“Fickin’ Thuleans always showing off. Watch this shit, Lizzy!” Hiccup drops close to Wolf’s ear. “Now, do it like I told you, boy.”
Wolf speeds up and skids to a halt, catapulting the goblin at a big motherfucking spider with fangs dripping with venom and a shit-ton of angry red eyes. Hiccup’s shield appears just in time for him to clobber the spider.
-63 HP!
He follows this up with a series of quick tomahawk attacks, severing most of the spider’s legs. The goblin jumps, and squashes the spider’s skull with his feet.
Instakill!
“Get you some, Marbles! Fick you, Liz!” he cries as Ryuk unloads a mag of sword marbles at six spiders dropping from the branches.
Insta-Insta-Instakill!
An arc of white light forms in the air over Enway and she floats a few feet above the ground, white mana coursing through her body. The magic spreads outward, covering the Mitherfickers.
Ryuk suddenly feels his stamina increasing, his will to fight strengthening, the muscles in his arms and legs increasing.
His Magic Slingshot out, he fires a direct shot at a spider crawling out of a mangled tree trunk.
Instakill!
Skill level up!
Skill: Gory Headshot
Level Two: Odds of Instakill increase with level.
Odds of Instakill: 59% if enemy is less than level 30; 32% if enemy is greater than level 30.
Caveat: Must be within five meters of opponent’s head.
Zaena tosses one of her throwing knives and it zips by, inches away from Ryuk’s face.
Instakill!
He doesn’t have to turn to see that she’s killed a spider on the trunk behind him.
“What happens if their venom gets on you again?” Enway asks, now at Ryuk’s side.
FeeTwix charges past with his double-bladed sword. He swings it left and right, cutting the limbs off spiders, and leaps back just in time to avoid an attack.
With a flourish, his blades separate from the hilt of his sword and take off. The drone-like blades twist in the air and descend upon the spiders, cutting through their bodies as FeeTwix goes for a sawed-off shotgun.
“If the venom gets on you, you are forced to log out for like a week or something. Careful.”
“Got it!”
A molten black marble mag in his gun, Ryuk explodes and melts one of the larger sources of the spiders, which just so happens to be a hole in the ground surrounded by discarded armor and webbing.
Clickety-boom!
“Now is the time, friends, to save at Wendy’s Huts worldwide!” the Swede cries as he takes out another spider. “Thought about trying a pizza burger with cheese-y crust and maple bacon on top? How about Dave’s single pie with Dave’s signature sauce–”
“Ha! I’ll give you some signature sauce, Twixy!” Hiccup cries as he rides by on wolfback. “Now quit selling, start fickin’ killing.”
Clickety-boom!
“As I was saying, Dave’s single pie with Dave’s signature sauce and a side of Frosty-filled fries? What about ALL OF THE ABOVE for the price of ONE OF THE ABOVE!?”
“Fick yeah, I love bogo!”
Enway looks at Ryuk and laughs. “Are you guys always this fun to fight with?”
A smile spreads across Ryuk’s face as he brains another spider. “Not always, but usually.”
“That’s right, for a limited time, mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout or in-store to get the biggest bogo you’ve ever got! Son of a ficklord! That spider almost got me. Fick you, spider!”
Clickety-boom!
“‘Fick’ is my word!” Hiccup says as he comes down hard on a spider, cutting off three of its legs.
Critical hit!
“Dirty filthy creatures.” Zaena spins with her blades, cutting through webbing like she’s Doctor Octopus.
“I love you too, Liz!” Hiccup and Wolf skid to a halt just in time to avoid a blast from Ryuk’s marble gun.
Insta-Instakill!
“Whew! Good work, Marbles, you just may grow a pair yet.”
.2. Fallen Angel
Tesla is light in Kodai’s arms, much lighter than he thought she’d be. Her eyes are closed, her mouth frozen open, her pupils dilated.
He stares down at her expressionless face and swallows hard. Yugio is with him, standing guard at the door. More hired goons are on the way; his mother arranged this without asking him. Mother knew as soon as Tesla went down.
“The motherfucker.” Kodai wipes the hair out of Tesla’s face as he holds her like she’s a fallen angel.
Yugio turns away from his boss, his hands behind his back.
“She can be fixed.” Kodai clears his throat and stands. “Yugio, clean this up. I can’t fucking look at it anymore. Check all surveillance footage regarding Ryuk and his exit. It was hasty. I can tell because he left his fucking rig here.”
“Yes, Kodai.”
“His stupid fucking rig…” As Kodai turns away from Tesla, he quickly fires off a message to Lorem Ipsum, the head of MercSecure Asia.
Kodai: I need a repair.
Lorem Ipsum: It’s late. If you are having trouble with Tesla, please contact our services department.
Kodai: It isn’t just trouble; she was hit by a Humgun.
Lorem Ispum: I see, and I can safely assume this was during some type of physical combat? I have to ask because of Japanese law. If it wasn’t because of physical combat, then you can send the humandroid through normal channels for repair.
Kodai: It was through physical combat.
Lorem Ipsum: In that case, I’ll have the service department handle this. Is it possible to have her body delivered to our repair facility near Shimokitazawa?
Kodai: It is.
Lorem Ipsum: Done. Here are the rest of the details you need to know. Good luck.
“It’s handled,” Kodai tells Yugio. “Please have Tesla brought down. Quickly too. I don’t expect a visit from the authorities, but I’d like to make certain that is not a possibility. Let’s move fast.”
(0)__(0)
Kodai and a small army of goons arrive at the MercSecure repair facility outside Shimokitazawa. A light snow blows flurries into the air and a crisp, familiar coldness meets his face as he stepped out of the vehicle.
He is greeted by an older American man in a parka, who does nothing to hide the assault rifle in his hands.
“Let’s move,” the man says instead of hello.
Kodai recognizes him from his rooftop breakfast with Lorem Ipsum.
“We’ve met before,” he says as they enter the facility and turn left into a featureless, gray hallway. A woman in MercSecure fatigues takes the man’s weapon from him, and he offers her a short nod.
“Walt,” the man says. “And it is nice to see you again, Kodai.”
Kodai looks over his shoulder. “Should my men…?”
“Your men have already been given their instructions.”
“And where are we going?”
“To a viewing room.” Walt, a grizzled mercenary if there ever was one, turns to Kodai and smiles briskly. “Wouldn’t you like to see how all this happened in the first place?”
“I would.”
“Then follow me.”
They take a left, a right, another left, and eventually arrive at a room with the number six on the door.
“After you,” Walt says as he opens the door.
The room overlooks a gurney and various medical tools, cables, monitors, and even a 3-D rendering machine.
An operating theater.
Kodai sits and a series of lights flick on in the operating theater. Two MercSecure engineers roll in Tesla’s body and transfer it to the main gurney. Using a large pair of scissors, they remove her clothing and begin hooking her up to a grouping of tu
bes.
A woman doctor enters, decked in seafoam green scrubs.
“Is this really that serious?” Kodai asks, no hint of sarcasm in his voice. He has no idea what goes into rebooting a humandroid.
“Precautions. MercSecure treats the recovery aspect of humandroids as they would any of their representatives. Protocol, really, but it is important to maintain the status quo, and it is equally important to bill the client accordingly.”
“Heh. I figured that much.”
“Ah, this should be interesting,” Walt says as the female doctor scans the side of Tesla’s neck with a small device that looks like a divining rod. The red light on Tesla’s nearly translucent skin turns green, indicating that the upload is complete.
“The encrypted recording from her iNet feed,” Walt explains.
“Good,” says Kodai, “let’s see what happened.”
The window in front of them blackens as Tesla’s video recording plays. The video shows her first-person struggle with Hajime, a struggle she is about to win when Ryuk gets involved.
“My younger brother?” Kodai shakes his head.
“With the humgun? Interesting.”
Kodai and Walt watch as Ryuk points the weapon at Tesla. Her feed suddenly fizzles out.
“So, it was him. I thought Hajime did it, assumed he had done it.”
Walt nods. “I would have thought that as well. Little known fact, I’ve actually fought Hajime, once, when we were on opposite sides of a conflict in eastern Ukraine.”
“You fought a humandroid?”
The blue eyed mercenary bites his lip. “I did, and I’m lucky I only lost one leg.” He knocks on his right thigh. “If it hadn’t been for my team, Hajime would have ended it.”
“And now you two work together?”
Walt grimaces. “We work for the same company, not together. But back to the video. I must admit, especially after seeing Hajime in action, it was almost like he wasn’t trying to fight back. As I’ve said, I’ve seen what that humandroid can do. Even with her power, the Hajime I know would have ended it.”
“Why would he let her overpower him like that?”
Walt shrugs. “Maybe he was toying with her.”
Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh Page 2
