Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh

by Harmon Cooper

“Say hello to my little friend!” the Swede bellows in an Italian accent.

  VOOMSH!

  Instakill!

  FeeTwix cuts the armless bugbear down with a ball of green plasma.

  He lowers his off-world weapon, drops to a knee and immediately goes for a healing potion. Once he’s taken a swig, the Swede hobbles over to Zaena, helps her up, and lets her finish the potion.

  “Where’s my fickin’ cut?” Hiccup asks, finally out from under the now throatless bugbear.

  “Here you go, Hiccup, a bacon-flavored Cherry Apollos with your name on it!” FeeTwix tosses the goblin a fresh healing potion.

  “Bacon-flavored? Fick yeah!” Hiccup downs the bottle, burps, and tosses it over his shoulder, where it plinks off the dead bugbear’s skull. “Yom, everybody, I got a fickin’ level up!”

  “Me too,” says FeeTwix. “Anyone else?”

  “Same,” Enway says, slightly out of breath.

  .4. Occult Bakery and Athenaeum

  As the five Mitherfickers walk towards the giant city of Waringtla, Ryuk gets to hear more than he’d like to hear about bugbear history, anatomical differences, stool consistencies and how to spot droppings in the wild.

  It is a long history, and for the most part he tunes the often-irreverent goblin out, focusing more on the journey that lies ahead and the occasional sidelong glance from Enway, who he can say with certainty has taken a liking to him.

  “On the airplane right now,” FeeTwix says as they approach the Waringtla city gates. “I hope your ass is ready to meet me in person, because I’m definitely ready to meet you.”

  “My ass is ready to meet anyone and everyone.” Hiccup laughs. “I’m a funny guy, Liz, believe me.”

  Ryuk turns to FeeTwix to confirm his eyes are indeed blue.

  “What? You thought I was going to give you away? Come on, what kind of brother from a different mother would I be if I gave my homeboy away?”

  “Homeboy? What kind of fruity poofcake word is that, Twixy? In Jatla, a ‘homeboy’ is a younger goblin one percenters keep under the stairs. Whenever they go upstairs to their bedrooms or come down for the day, the homeboy cleans their feet using brushes made of, you guessed it, dragon scales. They also fick him. Well, some do. Not everyone, but some.”

  “That sounds terrible, goblin.”

  “Fick me, Liz, here I was just about to compliment your species on their nice skin and its practical uses – including, but not limited to: perineum polishing, underarm exfoliation, goblin BSD&M, souvenirs, and general flogging purposes – and you have to go and put the racist hat on. Next thing we know, you’ll be calling drows ‘darkies’ and elves ‘crackers.’ Anyone ever notice how elves are always white? Seems fishy, if you ask me, Liz.”

  “Hush, goblin, your voice gives me a headache.”

  “Hiccup,” FeeTwix says, stepping around the goblin. “Your fans want to say hi!” His eyes a soulless black, the Swede bends over so Hiccup can deliver a message to his fans.

  “Out of my way, Twixy!”

  “Oh, come on, don’t you want to say something to your fans?”

  “Fick yeah, I do.” He bites his lip for a moment as he thinks. “Okay, here it is: look kiddos, for some reason, all thirty – was it thirty thousand?”

  “Now it is sixty thousand!”

  “All sixty thousand of you have somehow, in your sad little lives, found time to embrace a goblin who isn’t even real in your world. Fick. Can you believe that? But you know what, Uncle Goblin is here for you anyway, that is, if you happen to be sexy or sexy-ish, and can meet me in Waringtla tonight.”

  “Hiccup!” Ryuk says.

  “What? Marbles? Let me spell it out to you in words you can understand: Chalupa plus dry equals bad. I need to dampen it, if you get my drift.”

  FeeTwix’s eyes flash blue. “Please, Hiccup, do not ask my fans to come sleep with you. It is a great power you wield over them and many would likely take you up on your offer.”

  “Why the fick not? Why get all this power if I’m not going to get downright evil with it? They have diseases or something? Fick, at my age, any disease I get now will just be added to the stack.”

  Enway pushes past Hiccup. “I’d rather not hear about your love life at the moment.”

  “I’m a romantic at heart.”

  She skips ahead and Ryuk jogs to catch up with her.

  “He can be hard to deal with,” Ryuk says as soon as he reaches her. They now stand directly beneath a guard tower easily the height of an eight-story building.

  “It’s fine,” she says, “just needed a breath of fresh air.”

  “You were downwind?”

  “I was.” She pinches her nose, a strand of her blonde hair falling into her face. “I’ll say this while we have some privacy: you and I should spend more time together someday.” Her face goes red. “Not like that! I mean, I just want to know more about you, and it’s hard in the guild setting, with so many different types of, um, members.”

  “You down there!” The two look up to see a giant eye looking down on them. On second glance, Ryuk realizes it’s a giant looking at them through a mounted spyglass.

  “Hi!” Enway says, waving at the giant.

  “What brings you to these parts?” asks the giant.

  “Who the fick is saying that?” Hiccup asks as he approaches. The goblin is short of breath, a bead of sweat trailing down the side of his head.

  Ryuk considers this for a moment as his Extreme Focus skill kicks into gear. How did he work up a sweat riding Wolf?

  “Hello, Mr. Giant!” FeeTwix calls up to the man.

  “Enough formalities, what brings you to these parts?” the booming voice calls down.

  “Do your thing, Liz.” Hiccup elbows in her direction, too lazy to actually move over to her.

  “Ahem, I am Princess Renata of the Thulean Royal Family, and I request expedited entry into the city along with my traveling companions.”

  “Fick yeah, Liz,” the goblin whispers. He wipes a fake tear away. “Fickin’ making your uncle proud over here.”

  “You may enter!”

  Hiccup trots through the city gates, still on wolfback. Ryuk glances up to the top of the tower and back to the entrance, wondering how they would have been prevented from entering in the first place.

  (0)__(0)

  The streets of Waringtla are divided into three lanes: the far-left lane for giants, the middle lane for commercial goods transport, and the far-right lane for normal-sized people. Shops line the streets, most with two entrances, one for giants and the other for everyone else.

  “You fickers ever seen so much segregation? Giant door here, small person door there, ‘no small people allowed.’ Fick if this isn’t a repressive ass city, nothing like Jatla, which treats everyone equally.”

  “Like shit?” Ryuk asks.

  “Fick, Marbles, you get a little future booty confidence from Elfy over there and you get emboldened enough to talk back to your elders. Sad! Don’t make me open up a can of whoopass, kiddo. Believe you me, I may be relatively handsome, short in stature, a stable genius, with a full head of pink hair and a mechanical arm, but I’m no blowhard.”

  “I think the word you mean is pushover,” says FeeTwix. “Blowhard is something else entirely.”

  Zaena laughs. “Actually, blowhard defines you quite well.”

  Offended, Hiccup lifts his nose in the air and tells Wolf to trot ahead. Ryuk watches them pass, admiring the wolf and his healthy coat of black hair and his blue-green eyes. Wolf hasn’t really warmed up to Ryuk, but then again, he hasn’t really tried to make friends.

  This thought triggers an image of Yangu the dragon, and the fact that Ryuk has spent little time with his familiar. Maybe Hiccup was right, maybe I am an absent father.

  The goblin places two booger-encrusted fingers in his mouth and whistles at a passing female goblin, who is a head taller than Hiccup.

  “What the fick do you want?” the goblinita asks.

  “Fic
k, lady, there’s a lot of things I want, starting with a nuru massage followed by a hot waxing, but that’s not the point. What the fick is a goblin doing in Waringtla?”

  The lady goblin, who wears a push up bra which adds quite a bit of skin to her otherwise normal peasant’s dress, brushes a strand of hair from her face. “For your information, I’m in Waringtla to see Og Lemon. What the fick is a washed up old goblin with pink hair riding a fickin’ wolf doing here? That’s the real question.”

  FeeTwix pauses, his mirror appearing in his hand. “Okay, everyone, we’re in a giant city, is it better if I say ‘city of giants?’ Speaking of giants, I want to tell you fickers – sorry, too much time around Hiccup – about a giant offer from CVSgreens! CVSgreens are longtime supporters of the feed, and hell, just about the best one-stop pharmaceutical company slash late night condom purchasing spot. You’ll love what they’re offering worldwide audiences! And really, what goes better with a bag of LoCal Non-GMO chili cheese Dorito-dusted Cheetos with molten cheddar cheese cores, than a high octane zero carb vitamin enhanced energy drink?”

  “Ignore him,” Hiccup tells the female goblin, “and I’ll ignore your question about my pink hair and my traveling preference. Og Lemon is an old friend of mine.”

  The way Hiccup says this makes Ryuk think that Og is not in fact an old friend.

  “A friend, huh?” she asks, her mood lightening.

  “Yeah, Og and I go way back, and that ficker owes me after what happened last time.”

  “Well,” she says with a flirty thrust of her shoulder, “if you need someone to join you for dinner, you can find me at the $Hotel on Stater Street.”

  “Yeah, I’ll have my people talk to your people,” Hiccup says, no longer paying attention to the gobliness. “Let’s go, Mitherfickers.”

  Hiccup rides forward and the others eventually catch up.

  “You had yourself a date there, goblin, I hope you don’t blow it.”

  “Not now, Liz,” says Hiccup.

  “Come on, she seemed genuinely interested.”

  “Maybe, but she’s no better than one of Twixy’s bandwagon fickboys. Look, if I’m going to go on a date, I want the lady to like me. Otherwise, I’ll just pay for it. I don’t like being used. Speaking of which, Marbles, I have a little side quest for you and me.”

  Ryuk places his hands on his hips. “Us? What’s the reward?”

  “The reward? Pfft! The reward is getting to spend time with an elder, something I thought you Japanese appreciated. Look, the guy the goblinita was talking about, Og Lemon, the ficktard severely ficked me over. I almost lost my chalupa because of that fickered ficktwat. Remember the ink shadow I told you about? The one that I almost lost my chalupa to? Well, Og Lemon’s fickered ass is to blame there.”

  “We are sort of busy right now,” Ryuk says, annoyed at the goblin.

  “Too busy to get revenge?”

  Enway says, “Let’s just meet the giant Oric wanted us to meet, then we can figure out our night from there.”

  “Of course she wants to meet the giant, he’s got a gift for her. Come on, Wolf, you and I are out of here.”

  Wolf stops, even though Hiccup drives his heels into his sides.

  “The beast is more loyal than you are, goblin!” Zaena laughs.

  “What the fick ever,” Hiccup says, giving up.

  “Okay, according to my map, again provided by Jack S., Cartographer extraordinaire, the Occult Bakery and Athenaeum should be just a few blocks from here.” FeeTwix stops to admire a passing giant, who carries an uprooted tree at his side. “You know, I’ve never fought a giant. Quantum Hughes did, though.”

  “I’ve told you my thoughts on that man,” Zaena says bitterly. “He cheated in a fight against my sister. Also, there’s something I haven’t told you about him.”

  “Gee fick, you act like he porked you and things went poorly, Liz. Get over it.”

  “Pork? What is this pork you speak of, goblin, and what does it have to do with Quantum Hughes?”

  “Never mind, babe!” FeeTwix says, leading her away from the goblin. He looks at Hiccup when Zaena can’t see and gives him the ‘I’ll cut your throat’ hand gesture.

  Ryuk laughs.

  “Laugh it up, Marbles. Twixy knows better than to bring it to me. We may be besties and possibly the most useful members of this guild, but I’d kill that vain ficker in a heartbeat.”

  “Let’s just get to the bakery,” says Ryuk. He glances at Enway as a light smile spreads across her face.

  (0)__(x)

  “It’s yuge,” Hiccup says once he spots the bakery.

  His tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth, Wolf looks exhausted from carting the goblin’s fat ass around. He pants, tries to sit, but Hiccup tells him to keep on all fours.

  “Give Wolf a break,” Enway says. “You can walk up those stairs.”

  The stairs aren’t really stairs per se, they are three giant steps with a ramp that travels to the top for commoners. Hiccup grumbles about extreme vetting as he dismounts from Wolf. He stretches his arms over his head, yawns, burps, and begins walking up the ramp.

  A passing giant looks down at the Mitherfickers and frowns at the pink-haired, mechanically armed goblin.

  “Is he maddoggin’ me?” Hiccup asks Ryuk, who is a comfortable distance behind him so as not to be blasted if the goblin decides to exhume the dinner corpse.

  “Did you say maddogging?”

  “Keep with the lingo, Marbles, I’m a copesetic ficker who uses big words bigly. We clear?” The goblin eyes him for a moment, then with a big huff, he takes another step forward.

  “He’s grumpy today,” Enway tells Ryuk once the goblin is out of hearing range.

  “No, he’s Hiccup.”

  The Occult Bakery and Athenaeum is located in a two-story building, and two stories by giant standards means that it is about the same height as a five to six story building for commoners.

  There are dual entrances, one for commoners, the other for giants, and the exterior of the building has recently been upgraded, the walls now featuring a stucco lace texture.

  As the Mitherfickers enter, they’re greeted by a bespeckled giant behind the counter. The giant has red hair and a chin covered with beard stubble. He wears a bright red apron over dark blue robes.

  “Wolf?” he asks almost immediately.

  Wolf barks himself into a frenzy upon seeing the giant.

  He runs in a circle, his tail wagging, and as soon as the giant has stepped around the counter, Wolf comes tearing across the lobby to him.

  “You must be Lothar,” FeeTwix says as he scans the giant with jet black eyes. “Oric sent us.”

  “Ah, Oric! Which would explain Wolf,” the giant says, as he bends down to pet Wolf with his finger.

  “Yes, it would,” Hiccup stage whispers to Ryuk. “Methinks the giant’s brain doesn’t match his size.”

  “Ha! And a cranky goblin in the midst, huh? I assure you, goblin, my brain is adequate for my body size.”

  “The name is Hiccup.”

  “Short for Hiccupanaratapana, yes?”

  “I thought someone said he was from fickin’ Unigaea. Didn’t Conan say that? I’m fickin’ hearing things.” Hiccup sticks his pinky in his ear, twists, and comes back with a bring orange glob of earwax, which he proceeds to flick at FeeTwix.

  “Quiet, goblin,” the Thulean warrior princess says. “Lothar, it is a pleasure to meet you. My name is Zaena.”

  “Another shortened name. You are of Thulean royalty, yes?” The giant finishes petting Wolf with his finger and gets back to his feet, his hands now at his sides.

  Zaena runs her hands over the front of her armor. “I am. It is short for Zaechana.”

  “Empress? Your name means empress?” Hiccup snorts.

  “It means queen. ‘Empress’ is a southern interpretation of the word.”

  “You are a princess who is named Queen,” Lothar says, stroking his beard. “Is this a Thulean joke?”


  Zaena nods, the look on her face indecipherable. “I am the youngest of my family. The likelihood of me becoming the queen, like my older sister Renata, is close to zero. So, my parents named me ‘Zaechana’ or ‘Zaena’ for short.”

  “Fick me,” Hiccup uses his clawed finger to scratch at a food stain on his mechanical hand. “That’s what’s called an absentee parent right there, kind of like how Marbles is to Snowballs, and kind of like how I was to Spew Gorge.”

  “I thought Spew Gorge was your cousin?” FeeTwix asks.

  “Yeah, and my son. Then again, he may not be. Beats the fick out of me. There isn’t a fickin’ way to do a paternity test in Jatla unless you have healthcare, and I don’t have healthcare.” He glares at Ryuk. “Which is another complaint I plan to register once my current complaints and grievances are all addressed.”

  “No one said anything to me about healthcare,” Ryuk says, on the defensive.

  “It’s called employee perks, Marbles, and like other employers in Jatla, you could at least provide a starfish scrub, a three-day weekend, or hell, a fickin’ ten-minute break after a long shift. But nope, you and Tammy are a ‘right to work’ kind of employer, so I don’t even get that. All I’m saying is healthcare is a basic goblin right, as is getting your chalupa regularly jerked, and the occasional three-day weekend. Fick.” Hiccup’s nostrils flare. “By the way, Big Guy, it smells yummy in here. Howzabout hooking some of Tarzan’s best pals up with some grub?”

  “Tarzan?”

  “The barbarian guy; the wolf’s owner.”

  “You mean Oric.”

  “Sure, call him that, but it sounds too much like orc and I’m not a fan of those fickers. Where the fick were we?”

  “I’ll take over from here,” FeeTwix says, stepping around Hiccup. “Hello again, Lothar! Oric said you may have some details regarding the Runestones of Tritinakh. He also said you’d have book for us.”

  “A book?” Lothar asks.

  “That’s what he said.”

  The giant looks at each of them and then turns back to the counter. Once he’s on the other side, he swings open the kitchen door and calls out, “Gadsaa, I’m taking guests to the library. Is that okay, dear?”