LUCK: 21
Dark Mage Level 35
HP: 590/590
MANA: 315/325
ATK: 19
MATK: 137
DEF: 166
MDF: 283
LUCK: 22
Berserker Mage Level 38
HP: 843/843
MANA: 81/81
ATK: 146
MATK: 12
DEF: 251
MDF: 237
LUCK: 4
A wild wind whips around him, the air filled with snow flurries.
Kodai knows his brother’s infantile guild will be here at some point; he’s watched the Swede’s feed long enough to pick up on that, and even if he hadn’t, the Swede’s fans have already run polls and compiled video showing FeeTwix and company discussing this.
He almost starts to laugh at the Mitherfickers’ stupidity, but keeps a serious face as he checks out his guild members. There are the two mages provided by the serpent women. These two are NPCs and neither have ever spoken to Kodai.
Tomas wears his rare, Tagvornin armor which didn’t seem to help him in the fight against the Mitherfickers last time, and Tamana is in reflective armor made from the scales of their former dragon, Mirror.
Even though the NPC dragon flew off, the NPC mages were smart enough to take some of the scales from her belly while she was in captivity. According to the blacksmith who crafted this armor, it should cut damage taken down by thirty percent, something Kodai now wanted to test.
“Attack Tamana,” he instructs his guildmates. “Tamana, defend yourself.”
Wielding her ironing board of a sword, Tamana goes for one of the mages, who blasts her backwards with a huge fireball.
-95 HP!
“Fight back, Tamana!” Kodai growls at her. “Fight!”
Back on her feet, Tamana swings her sword at Tomas, who quickly parries her attack. A white flash and his legs are swept out from under him.
With the magic coming from her free hand, Tamana lifts Tomas by the feet as if she has him with a lasso. She tosses him into the armed mage, who, rather than try to help his guildmate, swipes him out of the air.
-211 HP! Critical hit!
“Tomas, you weak fuck!” screams Kodai.
As a huge hammer forms in the Berserker Mage’s hands, Kodai walks over to Tomas and unlatches his slingshot.
A knife marble in his hand, Kodai shoots a blade into the ground. His foot connects with Tomas’ chest and he reminds him to do better next time.
The Berserker Mage swings his hammer and connects with Tamana’s chest.
-102 HP!
“Ahhh!” she cries as she flies backwards.
She hits the ground hard and rolls back up onto her feet, kicking snow away in the process.
Her armor reflecting bits of light, Tamana spins towards the spellsword and meets his weapon head on. While he’s a much higher level than her, she holds her ground, and is just about to overpower him when another fiery blast from the other mage cuts her down.
-81 HP!
The armor is working, Kodai thinks as he makes his way over to Tamana.
As she gets to her feet, he kicks at the back of her knees, slamming her face first into the snow.
Kodai grabs the back of her hair and pulls her neck back, smiling as fear takes shape behind her eyes. He curls his other fist and punches her in the throat.
-250 HP! Critical hit!
Badly off now and coughing blood, Tamana tries to crawl away from Kodai.
“Fight me!” he screams at her, yet she refuses.
-34 HP!
A kick to her stomach sends her back to the ground. Kodai stomps on her back, drops to his knee and pulls her hair back again. “When I tell you to fight me,” he whispers in her ear, “I expect you to obey orders.”
He slams her face into the ground, tainting the white, powdery snow with her blood. A healing potion appears in his hand and he drops it on her head.
“Drink up, now.” Kodai turns to the others. “Once she’s healed, attack her again.”
.7. Bro Down
“This is the best idea we’ve had in weeks,” says Hiccup as all his clothes drop to the ground. The Mitherfickers are in Zaena’s Sotlian Pocket Spa, which they haven’t used since their battle against the cherry blossom ninjas in the Jatla Forest.
Rather than look at Hiccup’s blemished, naked ass, Ryuk pulls up their stats.
After two hours of battling various sewer creatures, including a couple more shit monsters and even a possessed bearadillo skeleton, the guild’s deets are looking up.
Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 22 Ballistics Mage
HP: 746/746
ATK: 135
MATK: 178
DEF: 104
MDF: 81
LUCK: 24
FeeTwix Fajer Level 24 Berserker Mystic
HP: 1052/1052
ATK: 187
MATK: 33
DEF: 102
MDF: 58
LUCK: 27
Hiccup Level 20 Shield Thief
HP: 1118/1118
ATK: 116
MATK: 17
DEF: 253
MDF: 122
LUCK: 38
Zaena Morozon Level 23 Brawler Assassin
HP: 915/915
ATK: 228
MATK: 10
DEF: 125
MDF: 47
LUCK: 24
Enway Zoltan Rosa Level 21 Hourglass Mage
HP: 732/732
MANA: 411/506
ATK: 71
MATK: 149
DEF: 64
MDF: 174
LUCK: 22
Wolf Level 39
HP: 2354/2354
ATK: 685
MATK: 0
DEF: 526
MDF: 240
LUCK: 19
Not bad, Ryuk thinks, he even managed to get some levels in a few of his skills, including his Cherry Poppin’ Daddy, Splash Back, Gory Headshot (courtesy of a Rat Thing), and One in a Million when he took out a sewer snake from a good fifty meters with his slingshot.
He still hasn’t used the skill given to him by Empress Thun, the Knights in White Satin skill, but he plans to test that out once they finally reach the giant guarding the runestone.
Another thing that has been interesting for Ryuk is watching Enway use some of her new spells.
Her Delayed Strike is especially helpful, as is her Youth spell. She actually turned a giant cockroach back into a baby, allowing Hiccup to easily squash it and, thankfully, not eat it. While she doesn’t have the healing capabilities of her former avatar, her Speed Heal spell definitely helps.
Even with her ability to still heal the guild, the Mitherfickers have taken quite a beating. If it weren’t for the three cases of top grade healing potions a fan named S. Reid sent over to FeeTwix, they would have had to take a break long ago.
“Am I the only one getting naked?” Hiccup asks, as he waddles into the spa.
“Shower first,” Zaena reminds him.
“What’s the fickin’ point of that when I can just sweat it out?”
“I’m serious, Hiccup, rinse off over there.”
The goblin turns to her, his ears twitching. “Slap me on the ass and call me fickered fickboy, did you just call me by my actual name?”
“Yes,” the Thulean says, a smile stretching across her face. Her orange slit eyes have even softened some, which is something Ryuk doesn’t see too often.
“Well, in that case, Liz, my liddle Thulean princess, I will do as you requested.” He turns to a shower and uses his mechanical hand to turn the hot water on. “Fick yeah, that’s the good stuff!”
“Wait, what? I don’t know why you guys want to watch Hiccup shower, but it is your feed, and your wish is my command. Those with filters on, you won’t be catching this exclusive content, but maybe you’re better off that way.” The Swede, his eyes blacker than a politician’s soul, turns to Hiccup.
“Hey!” Hiccup says, covering his man-tits. “You know, a smart goblin would charge
for this kind of access. Hell, I could probably make a fickton of rupees if I washed myself in front of strangers. I’m robust, I get that, but it’s a goblin body type that is considered attractive.”
A hand on Ryuk’s shoulder startles him.
He spins around to find Enway in a one-piece bathing suit, her breasts much ampler than he was expecting them to be. This gets him wondering if they grew when she changed her avatar, or if they’ve always looked like this.
You’re worse than Hiccup, he thinks as his mouth stretches into a grin.
“So, you don’t mind my red eyes?” she asks.
Even though he wasn’t looking at her eyes, which he now feels incredibly ashamed for and would bow for if it didn’t give him away, Ryuk nods. “Yes, they’re fine.”
“Sunglasses in the spa, Elfy,” Hiccup calls over. “I can’t do the demon thing while I’m relaxing. Gives me the willies.”
“You’ll be fine, Hiccup,” says FeeTwix, who now wears a speedo with a big Swedish flag on his ass. “I got you a matching pair too, babe.”
He presents Zaena with a small box, which she opens to find a two-piece, Swedish themed bathing suit.
“Try it on,” he encourages her.
“Okay.” Her head held high, Zaena walks into an attached changing room and returns moments later, looking hot as a dragon woman can look in her two-piece, Swedish bathing suit.
“Someone’s been doing crunches,” Hiccup says as he moves from the shower into the spa. “And I’m talking about me, not you, Liz, and your washboard princess abs. Can anyone tell I’ve lost weight?”
Wolf barks.
“He can’t come into the spa,” Zaena says.
“And why the fick not? He’s part of the Mitherfickers now, a much bigger part than Marbles, I might add.”
“Because the heat isn’t good for him.”
“Don’t worry, Wolf.” FeeTwix steps over to one of the free showers and whistles for him to come over. Wolf barks and takes a few steps back. “I’m just going to bathe you, boy, nothing more.”
“You know,” Hiccup says, still naked as ever with his little chalupa dangling between his stubby legs. “I noticed that ficker was afraid of the sewer stream as well. Is that what it’s called? Fick, you know what I mean.”
“Maybe he’s afraid of water,” says the Swede.
“Duh, Twixy, that’s what I was trying to say.”
Enway drops next to Wolf and pats him on the head. “Let’s just get cleaned up,” she tells him, “you won’t have to swim or anything.”
He licks his lips and starts panting.
“What a fickin’ poofcake! Cats are supposed to be afraid of water, not mutts. Whatever,” Hiccup says, entering the sauna. “It’s time for a little me-time.”
With Ryuk’s help, Enway eventually coaxes Wolf over to the shower. The four Mitherfickers gather around, Zaena using her ghost limbs to hold him in place.
“I don’t know when you were last washed,” says FeeTwix, “but my fans are fickin’ loving this. LOVING this. Hello to all three million viewers! While you watch us bathe Wolf – and don’t worry, we’ll be gentle – I want to tell you about an exclusive offer from Time Warner Comcast T&T. These guys control everything, it’s no secret, and because they’re a good, trustworthy corporation that essentially runs a monopoly, they’re able to offer you the best prices of your lifetime!”
Zaena gives FeeTwix a funny look.
“Subscribe now to any one of their wonderful services and get twenty dollars, euros, pounds, yuan, yen, won, rubles, crypto – whatever you use – off your first twelve bills! Now remember, this is a three-year contract, so the second twelve bills will be double priced, and the final twelve, triple priced! But don’t focus on that, focus instead on the money you’ll be saving that first year. It’s like you’re getting it at a third of the price, and that’s before the twenty bones discount! It’s the deal of the century, if you ask me! So, hit up Time Warner Comcast T&T now and tell them #FeeTwixRox!”
“Sounds like a fickin’ rip off!” Hiccup shouts from inside the sauna. “Fick, Twixy, I know you’re getting more famous and shit and there’s more to shill, but don’t do your fans like I did Spew Gorge’s mom. What you just regurgitated right there is called a goblin bargain. Fick, where’s that other healing potion I had. Ah, there it is. Love that Cherry Apollos.”
Once Wolf is cleaned, the rest of the Mitherfickers head into the sauna to find that Hiccup’s parfum de merde is not a strong as it normally is. Sure, it’s there, but the humidity of the sauna and an expensive blue melon lotion Zaena has since rubbed on her body has somehow met the stank, not overpowered it in any sense of the word, but if Ryuk tilts his head away from Hiccup, he can almost not smell the now hot and sweaty goblin.
“I’m in Tokyo now,” FeeTwix says, his eyes blue again. “I thought I’d let you know. When are we meeting up?”
Ryuk runs his hand through his black hair. “Um, you were auto-leveling back there?”
“Only for about five minutes. I landed and already went through immigration, which was fast as fick.”
“Twixy, where I’m from, your constant over-usage of my favorite word is called cultural appropriation. Now, if only I could fickin’ trademark the word ‘fick,’ to make sure that I had control over the word and all of its subsequent usages. But it’s pretty difficult to trademark a commonly used word, even in a shithole like Jatla, especially if the word is one that everyone uses to describe something that everyone enjoys. Fick me, am I right?” A pair of reading glasses appear on the bridge of Hiccup’s nose, a copy of Wet Goblin Holes: Orclins Gone Wild in his hands.
“What? There are quality editorials in the Wild edition,” he reminds both Enway and Zaena, who now look at him skeptically.
“Anyway,” says the Swede, “immigration was quick, and I jumped back in once I got in my taxi. I do a lot of Proxima stuff through iNet, to be frank. Carting an NV Visor around is cumbersome.”
“Anyone here like cummerbunds?” the goblin asks as he turns his copy of Wet Goblin Holes vertical. “Those things never seem to fit me.”
“Most things that go around your waist don’t fit you, goblin.”
“And it’s Liz with the fickin’ fat shaming again. You know, not all of us can afford the high fiber, low fat diets of Thulean royalty.”
“Self-starvation would be a helpful diet for you, goblin.”
“Enough.” Ryuk clears his throat. “I should be able to meet soon, FeeTwix. I believe Hajime is close to being released from his repair facility. We have to be very careful about this.” He gulps. “My brother can’t technically hurt us in here, but he can up there, and he may not hurt me, but he wouldn’t be opposed to hurting someone I care about.”
“Welp, Elfy, looks like your boy is all about puckered starfishes and chalupa tucking. Back to the drawing board, am I right? Maybe Tarzan is more your type.”
Enway frowns at the goblin.
“What?”
“Keep up the bullshit, Hiccup, and I’ll cast Temporal Decay on your steampunk arm.”
Everyone turns to Enway, who is normally happy-go-lucky.
Zaena is the first to laugh. “Ha! That is great. Yes, now you know how to interact with our lovely little goblin.”
“Don’t pinch my fickin’ cheek, Liz!”
Ryuk stands. “Join me outside real quick, FeeTwix. We keep getting interrupted in here.”
“Safe space!” Hiccup coughs into his hand as FeeTwix and Ryuk exit.
Wolf immediately joins them once they are in the changing portion of the spa. “You were saying?” FeeTwix drops his hand to the beast’s head and starts scratching behind his ears.
“So, we have to be really careful, which means, shit, I don’t know how we can do it, but we have to make sure he-who-shall-not-be-named doesn’t blurt out the fact that we’re together, which would be live on your feed, which my brother would then see.”
“Ah, I see. He-who-is-always-smelt must be tricked in some way.
Easy.”
“Easy how?” Ryuk asks, watching as a mischievous smile forms on FeeTwix’s face.
“You’re overthinking this. The goblin doesn’t really even know what Tokyo is.”
“Well, he knows you were at the airport.”
“But does he? This is one of the times that we should fall back on his Goblinheimer’s.”
“So then, we just don’t talk about it anymore?”
The Swede nods. “Exactly, Ryuk. Easy peasy. If you need to tell me something about it, message me on a private channel.”
“Got it.”
“Now where should we meet up? I’d love to go to a cat cafe or a maid cafe. That would be crazy!”
Ryuk cringes as he thinks of the awkward maid cafes in Akihabara.
“You won’t like a maid cafe.”
“What’s not to like? Cute girls dressed in maid outfits, food, music – am I missing something here?”
“Cat cafes are quieter, but it might be helpful for us to be in a place where we can blend in better. Fine, a maid cafe. Have you received word from Sophia?”
The leader of the Knights of Non Compos Mentis should be interesting in person, Ryuk thought.
“Yes! Her flight was delayed, and she’ll be in later. So, you and I can meet in the real world, in Akihabara, and then we can easily get to Ueno, which is where she’ll stop on her way from Narita to the city. At least that’s where I’m staying.”
“You’re in Ueno now?”
“I am, near the station. Where are you?”
“Shinjuku. Okay, after we’re done here, Hajime and I will pick you up and we can go to Akihabara. Does that suit you?”
“It suits me just fine.” The Swede claps his arm around Ryuk’s shoulders. “Now let’s get back in there and enjoy the sauna. Nothing like some rest before a boss battle!”
(0)__(0)
The Mitherfickers respawn in a narrow tunnel, a far east shoot off of the main catacombs that, according to FeeTwix’s intel, is a shortcut to the end.
The Swede’s black eyes flash as he reads incoming messages from his fans. “I’m sorry, guys! Ryuk and I had some important stuff to talk about. You checked out the bonus content, right? That’s a clip from a particularly gruesome night in Dead City. Scary, right? Yeah, I didn’t see that last zombie coming either! Almost shit myself, in the real world and in the Proxima Galaxy.”
Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh Page 7
