“A double shit,” Hiccup says. “Can’t say I’ve done that, but I have shit myself before. I think there is no better way to combat existential arguments than to shit one’s self.”
“Doesn’t even make sense,” Zaena mumbles, taking the lead.
The Mitherfickers are out of the sewers, the brick walls replaced by rock carved ages ago. Both Hiccup and Zaena have had trouble reading some of the Thulean down here. It’s an older dialect, and the script that is still legible has been hard to understand.
According to Hiccup, the vertical script carved into the rockface to their immediate left says that the easternmost exit lies in the chamber ahead, which is why they decided to hit up Zaena’s pocket sauna, all keenly aware that a good ol’ fashioned boss battle lies in their future.
“So, we go in guns a-blazing, right?” asks FeeTwix, who is in his normal overcoat and fingerless gloves but has also gone with Punisher-inspired body armor. To match it, he wears his half Reaper skull, affixed to the other side of his face by the leather strap Enway devised.
“Let’s do it,” Ryuk says, dropping to one knee.
He takes out backup magazines, pops a few of the marbles out, and loads up three of them with combo explosive and sword marbles. Knowing that he’ll likely need to use his Spitfire spell, he latches a leather wristband he owns with a pouch on it to his right wrist.
He hasn’t used it before, but he was thinking about it back in the sauna and figured it’d be perfect for accessing marbles quickly.
He holsters his Marble gun, fills his wristband pouch with warm, molten marbles, and takes a deep breath, hoping to activate his Extreme Focus skill at the drop of a hat.
Zaena practices drawing and sheathing her swords, flourishing each of them as she re-familiarizes herself with their weight.
Enway, her Book of Time in hand, uses a light provided by a drone FeeTwix has hovering over them to go over her available spells. The drone provides a cone of light for the Mitherfickers as it silently performs its role as an eye in the sky.
For his part, Hiccup equips two healing potions, finishes one, complains that it is the store brand, and tosses it over his shoulder as he takes a sip from the next one.
“We just healed up,” Ryuk reminds him.
“Marbles, first of all, fick you and the high horse you rode in on. Second, it’s called topping off the tank. Third, fick me and the wolf I’m about to ride in on. Wolfy,” Hiccup places his hand on Wolf’s neck, “be a goblin’s best friend and let me get on top.”
Wolf obliges, dropping to his belly so the goblin can climb on.
“You’re a good dog, I’ll give you that. A poofty snowfruit because of your fear of water, but we all got things that scare us, so I fickin’ get that.” An ax appears in his left hand, a dinner platter-sized shield in his mechanical hand. “Now git!”
The goblin on wolfback takes off towards the next corridor, the Mitherfickers doing their best to keep up.
They move into a smaller room, barely high enough for Zaena to stand upright.
From there, the catacomb opens up into a large space similar to the worship room the Mitherfickers discovered last time they were in the catacombs, back when they were making their way to Porthos via Katiyana.
Only this time, all the statues have been decapitated and tossed aside, the walls now covered in repeat paintings of a giant nude woman stomping a village, milk spraying from her exposed breasts. The painting has been replicated in several different sizes and styles, from floor to ceiling to small, Dali-esque designs.
A giant man squats in the center of the large prayer room, his kibbles and bits out as he glares at the Mitherfickers. Tangles of hair cover his face and his skin is covered in brown smudges and scars.
Fafner Level 25
HP: 1459/1459
ATK: 192
MATK: 0
DEF: 155
MDF: 141
LUCK: 8
“Who’s doing the talking here?” Hiccup whispers.
“I’ve got this,” Ryuk says, stepping forward.
“Like fick you do. Fine, I’ll do it. Okay you big dirty ficker,” the goblin says, looking up at the squatting giant, “we’ve got places to go and people to see. If you’ll kindly point us to the runestone, we’ll get our fickin’ asses out of your hair.”
The giant growls.
“Hiccup!”
“Quiet, Marbles, let the adults talk. You’re Fafner, right? Is that what Lothar said your name would be? How the fick did I remember that? Twixy, I’m getting better!”
The goblin turns to FeeTwix and gives him the thumbs up with his shielded hand. FeeTwix nods, impressed.
“Lothar sent you?” Fafner asks in an angry, scratchy voice.
“Fick yeah, he sent us. Now seriously, I’m impressed, your chalupa is bigger than mine, but if you’d kindly get the fick out of our way, we’ll be on our merry way. Nice art? Did I say that? I’m a big Busty Gazongas fan, believe you me.”
“Quiet, goblin,” Zaena hisses.
“What do you know about Busty?” the giant says, getting to his feet. He’s a good five meters tall, his head only about a meter away from the rounded top of the worship room.
Ryuk steps up. “Let us pass, or we will be forced to fight you.”
Hiccup chortles. “Fick, Marbles, you’ve got to work on your tough guy act if you ever hope to stick a hand up Elfy’s lustrous robe.”
Fafner hunches over, his form clearly affected by the years he’s spent underground.
“You sure about this, big guy?” FeeTwix says, his bowie knife mutant hack materializing in his hand. The weapon begins to bubble upwards, pulsing and writhing as it forms an enormous blaster.
“You DARE threaten me?” Fafner screams.
-359 HP! Critical hit!
The blistering blast from FeeTwix’s mutant hack tears Fafner’s leg clean off.
What’s left of the giant’s leg flies into the wall, splattering the Busty Gazongas paintings with blood, and shaking the room.
Fafner crashes to the ground, hits hard, and screeches in anger as he throws a fist in FeeTwix’s direction. Still coming down from the spread of his mutant hack, the Swede meets the giant’s hit full on and slams into a wall, killing him instantly.
Instakill!
“Oh my god, they killed Twixy! You bastard!”
“No!” Ryuk fires swords and explosives at the giant.
-56 HP! -62 HP! -41 HP! - 49 HP!
The explosions don’t do anything, and the swords, even though they are insignificant compared to his size, now jut out of his sinewy shoulders.
One Thulean war cry later and Zaena is charging at the grounded giant, blades spinning all around her. She boosts herself up with one of her konoshlo and meets the giant with a wall of blades.
“You won’t beat me!” the giant bellows. Grounded but still able to use one of his hands, Lothar backhands Zaena into the same wall that killed FeeTwix.
-526 HP! Critical hit!
Winded, the Thulean warrior princess falls onto FeeTwix’s dead body and rolls right, just in time to miss Lothar’s crashing fist.
The ground rumbles; debris falls from the top of the worship room adding a layer of dust to the air.
A pink blast of magic cuts through the dust; Fafner screams and starts beating his fist against the side of his head.
“Make it stop! Make it stop!” the giant screams.
“What the fick was that?” Hiccup calls over to Enway.
“Arcane Tide!”
“Whatever the fick it was, fick yeah! We’re up, Wolfy, let’s tag team that big mitherficker, and no, Marbles, I don’t mean we’re running train on the giant. You’re sick in the fickin’ head!” he cries as the wolfbound goblin moves in for his attack.
“Don’t mind him.” Ryuk looks at Enway and she shrugs.
“I never do,” she says, her wand at the ready. Ryuk catches a glimpse of her hourglass necklace, the sand now cascading to the other side so she can cast anot
her chromatic spell.
Wolf leaps towards the giant and grabs hold of one of his nostrils. He and Hiccup swing right as Fafner roars, giving the goblin the opening he needs to stab his ax into the giant’s right eye.
-115 HP!
Wolf lets go of Fafner’s nostril; he and Hiccup fall a good two and a half meters. Wolf lands like a cat, even with the top-heavy goblin on his back.
“You see that shit, Marbles? I got that ficker in the eye! We call that one an instant eye cream in Jatla!”
“Damn you!” Fafner swipes his free hand towards Hiccup’s voice.
-420 HP! Critical hit!
“Yooooy!” Hiccup and Wolf flip sideways. They hit the ground, roll, and eventually Wolf lands on top of the goblin. “Yoy,” the goblin mutters, a healing potion appearing in his hand. Wolf tries to get to his feet but falls sideways. “Fickered ficktard giant fick-faced kiddy fickin’ salad tosser!”
He throws back the healing potion, burps, and tosses the potion over his shoulder.
“Cover me, Marbles!”
Ryuk looks skeptically from the goblin to Zaena, who is still trying to get her second wind. Fafner isn’t looking too good himself, his eye a bloody mess and his leg blasted off at the knee.
The giant is trying to stabilize himself with one hand and fight with the other, and while Ryuk could probably end it by firing all he has directly at the giant’s face – that or laying down cover for Hiccup – he decides instead to go with the spell granted to him by the Empress.
Only she never told him how to cast it.
Ryuk raises a finger in the air, takes a breath in, and shouts, “Knights in White Satin!”
“The fick you just say?” Hiccup glares at the Ballistics Mage. “Have you lost your fickin’ marbles, you emo-twated ficktard? What part of ‘lay down cover’ do you fail to understand, soldier!?”
“Um,” Ryuk looks to Enway, who has no idea what he is going on about. “I, um, I call on the Knights!”
“What in the actual fick is wrong with you, son?” Hiccup throws his hands up in the air. “Fick, he’s truly lost it, Twixy. That’s fine, I’m okay with that. Just saying: I’m not going to take care of him or visit the poor liddle ficker when he’s in the crazy home, but at least I can know, from afar, that he’s in the right place.” The goblin shakes his head. “Elfy, your man has lost it, which means you’re up. Lay down some fickin’ cover!”
“Dammit, Hiccup, shut up!” Ryuk bites his lip, steels himself, and points at the giant. “Knights attack!”
Clouds of white smoke add to the dust already in the air.
A squad of the Empress’ White Knights pixelate into existence, each with a pike aimed at the giant. They’re in ivory plate armor with the requisite white satin capes, the edges of the capes embroidered with golden threads.
Their leader lifts his broadsword and the squad attacks, each coming in from a different angle.
Once they have Fafner the giant skewered, it doesn’t take them long to finish the job.
Instakill!
Fafner falls, and as soon as he does, the leader knight takes a knee before Ryuk.
“Thank you!” Ryuk says, bowing. “Thank you very much.”
The knight nods and disappears, the others following suit.
(0)__(x)
“Not too bad, kid,” the goblin says as soon as the knights are gone. “I take back what I said about committing you to a crazy home.”
“Really?”
“Ha! If you could only see your face right now, Marbles. Of course I don’t take back what I said! Don’t start yelling crazy shit again, or I’ll have you committed. We clear? You could have messaged us and told us what you were fickin’ doing.”
“It was a good attack,” Zaena says as she hobbles over to FeeTwix. She drops to his side just as he wakes up.
“That was fickin’ glorious, Ryuk,” FeeTwix says, his voice scratchy as he goes for a potion.
“‘Fick’ is not your word to appropriate, Twixy,” the goblin reminds the Swede. He is next to Wolf now, trying to coax a healing potion into his mouth. “What kind of stupid fickin’ mutt doesn’t like healing potions? Can you fickers believe this shit? Also, I’d check the giant for loot, but he’s naked, and I’m not sticking my hand up in a giant’s bunghole, especially this one. Ryuk, on the other hand...”
“I’m not looting his corpse, Hiccup, especially in that way.”
“What the fick ever. Judge me. Go on. Fick, Wolfy, drink the potion!”
Wolf sneezes and pushes Hiccup away with his maw.
“That was a great spell,” Enway says as she approaches Ryuk. “The Empress gave it to you, right? Those were her knights.”
“She did, but it can only be used once a day. I just wanted to test it, actually.”
“It was killer,” says FeeTwix as his wounds heal up. “My fans are going crazy for your performance.”
“You were still filming?”
“Of course I was. I fell in a way that would allow my fans to catch the rest of the action.” He points at his black eyes. “Clever, huh?”
“Twixy, you’re dumber than this weretiger I once knew named Simba. Look, Wolf, if you aren’t going to drink the potion, I will.” To prove his point, Hiccup takes a long sip from the generic potion. “See? That isn’t so bad, is it?” He examines the bottle. “Shop ‘n Save, huh? That sounds like a store brand. Not too shabby, though. Kind of a grape flavor. I like grape.”
Hiccup finishes Wolf’s potion and tosses it over his shoulder. He’s the first to enter the next corridor, and once he’s there, Ryuk hears him cry out in anger.
“That’s it?”
“Let me see!” FeeTwix races forward, Zaena not too far behind him.
In the center of the adjoining room is a small pedestal with a rectangular stone sitting on top of it. About fifteen centimeters tall, the thin, black stone is polished to the point that it is reflective.
“That looks like, you know what, there are kids around, I’m not going to say what it fickin’ looks like. Hint – chalupa. An oddly shaped, drow chalupa. Heard those fickers were hung as fick. Real talk, Twixy.”
“Can we touch it?” Enway asks. She stands at the back of the group, her red eyes shining in the brightly lit cavern.
The Polynian surface is near, evident in the undergrowth jutting from rocks on the ground, the light, and a fresh breeze whistling into the space, carrying with it a grassy smell.
“Rather than answer Elfie’s question with a dirty joke, I’d like to point out that it would have been much fickin’ easier to just spawn outside the catacomb entrance – I’m sure you have the deets on the location, Twixy – and send just one of us down here to get the stone and completely avoid the giant. Again, real talk.”
“We went through the catacombs to level up too,” Ryuk reminds him. “We need to be at level thirty-five to get to Ultima Thule.”
“Am I the only one that has no idea why we need to go to that cold fickhole? It’s warm down south, lots more racism down south too, which you guys know, I’m combating against.”
“Sure you are, Hiccup, sure you are.” A yellow latex glove appears on the Swede’s hand, followed by the rest of his hazmat suit. “Just in case it is toxic,” he says, once the mask has formed over his face.
The Swede grabs the runestone, looks it over, and just as he’s about to put it in his list, Enway steps up with an off-world device that looks like a steampunk-themed divination wand.
“Let me run this over it,” she says.
“By all means.”
“And before anyone asks: I collect rare artifacts. This is something I picked up in the Bawa Outpost.”
“The Bawa Outpost?” Hiccup shakes his head. “Only losers and sandfickers hang out there.”
“Rare artifacts hang out there as well.” She scans the wand over the black stone and shrugs.
“Well?” Ryuk asks.
“Nothing. I don’t think it is enchanted, at least not currently. We should be abl
e to touch it.”
The runestone lifts into the air seemingly of its own volition.
“Damn, Liz, you’re going to get us all killed, you know that?”
Zaena drops the stone on his head and he shrieks. “My hair!” Oblivious to the fact that the stone is still falling, Hiccup pats his head down, making damn sure that his pink topknot is still in place.
Of course, Zaena catches the stone just in time.
“Fick!” Hiccup continues to pat at his head. “Marbles, look me square in the eye and tell me that there’s no marks on my head. We’re going to Bluwid. There are lady goblins there. I just gotsta look good, feel me?”
“You’ll be fine,” Ryuk says, as Zaena drops the runestone in his hand.
There is nothing special about it at first touch. It isn’t warm, it doesn’t glow, and there is no indication it is anything but a rock.
“How come he gets to hold on to it?”
“Because he’s our leader, goblin.”
Ryuk starts to smile at Zaena, but returns his focus to the runestone instead. It is definitely interesting, he thinks as he looks it over. He inventories the runestone and looks to FeeTwix.
“You ready?” he asks as the Swede’s eyes flash blue.
“Sure am. Let’s meet up in Tokyo. Our avatars will still be here walking to Bluwid with you all, but Ryuk and I are about to bro down in the Land of the Rising Sun!”
“Come on, Wolfy,” Hiccup says as he mounts up. “Keep clear of poofters and anyone who uses the phrase ‘bro down.’ Fick me.”
.8. The Maid Cafe in Akihabara
Ryuk logs out and takes a deep breath in through his nostrils. His iNet screen comes alive and he pretty much ignores it, tired of the constant barrage of updates and notifications. He removes his borrowed NV Visor – his is still in his duffle bag – and makes sure not to catch his arm or leg on any cords in his small, Proxima capsule bunk.
A message from Hajime blinks on his iNet screen, and he reads it as he gets down from the bed.
Hajime: I am in the lobby.
Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh Page 8
