Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh

by Harmon Cooper

  Hajime nods as he sticks his hand into his front jacket pocket. Trying to blend in as best he can, the humandroid is dressed minimally: a black parka, a pair of ever-so-lightly distressed jeans and a pair of black winter boots with fur-lined uppers.

  “You can wear this mask.”

  FeeTwix takes the mask from Hajime and puts it on as he gets into the waiting Uberyota. The vehicle is a different model from the one Ryuk and Hajime came in, an SUV version with back seats that face one another and no steering wheel.

  “And now you can take it off,” the humandroid says as the aeros lifts into the air.

  “I’ll keep mine on; it’s warm! You know, we really should wear these in Sweden. It gets pretty cold there, not that I go out much.” His blue eyes light up.

  “What is it?” Ryuk asks. He sits across from FeeTwix, his back towards the front windshield.

  “Just looking at the pictures of the omelet we ate back at the maid cafe. Who knew Kiko could be so talented with ketchup. It’s kawaii, Ryuk!”

  “You are the same in the Proxima Galaxy as you are here in the real world,” he tells the Swede.

  “What? You’re not? You seem the same too: quiet, loyal, brooding – I mean that in a good way. A lot of people try to reinvent themselves online to find that they’re only an extension of who they were in the first place. Sure, there are some fickboys – copyright Hiccup the goblin – but most people only change a few things about their appearance, at least now. I think it was different back in the 2040s, when people were just getting their feet wet in the galaxy.”

  “The 2040s,” Hajime murmurs. Their vehicle drops to a lower airlane, the change in gravity felt in their chests.

  “Back when Quantum Hughes was kicking ass and taking names! The OG Dream Team. You guys ever see the Netflix Hulu series about the Dream Team? No? Well, they changed the names, even a damn catchy name like Quantum Hughes, but anyway, that’s what those shows were based on. Shit, I would have fought in the Battle for Tritania if I had been old enough. I mean, I was logging in in 2058, but those were mostly to kiddy worlds. Fun places, kid worlds. Whew, I feel like Hiccup at the moment!”

  “Why’s that?” Ryuk asks.

  “I’m the only one talking.”

  “Sorry.”

  Their aeros lands a few minutes later in a parking lot next to a slick lab with walls made of blackened motoglass. Standing in front of the lab is a middle aged Asian woman with, of all things, a puffy afro. She wears a white lab coat, high-waisted slacks, and a pair of Converse high-tops.

  The doors pop open and FeeTwix jumps out, the surgical mask still on his face.

  “Hey Sophia, what’s going on?”

  “Let’s get inside,” she says instead of hello.

  Ryuk and Hajime approach, and as they do, she begins talking to her personal iNet-based AI in Mandarin.

  The three follow her through a sliding metal door. They turn down a wide corridor, and from there, down a stairwell and onto a polished concrete floor.

  A hovering drone approaches Sophia and scans her retina.

  She continues to speak in Mandarin to herself as they enter a lab with lofty ceilings and several dive vats.

  “You’re going to log in, both of you, actually.”

  “Sweet,” says FeeTwix. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

  “You and your guild can go about their business as I monitor Ryuk and go through the last two weeks of data. Once I’ve done that, I’ll give you my diagnosis.”

  “That’s it?” asks Ryuk.

  She cocks an eyebrow at him. “Were you expecting something else?”

  “I really don’t know what I was expecting.”

  “I’ve come here to work, and luckily for you two, that work means that you need to be logged in.” She turns to two dive vats. “Shall we?” Once she realizes that they aren’t following her, Sophia turns back around. “What is it?”

  Ryuk and FeeTwix exchange glances.

  “We get to dive dive? As in, use a dive vat? That’s awesome!” The Swede pumps his hand in the air. “I’ve used one before, but not for a while.”

  “I’ve never used one,” says Ryuk.

  “Yes, you both get to use one. Um, Evan, can you help me get them strapped up?” Sophia calls out.

  A slim humandroid Ryuk hadn’t seen before steps into the room. He’s fit, his shirt is tucked into his pants, and his light hair is combed to the side. He holds a pair of NV Visors, and as he walks over to the dive vats, he smiles at Sophia. “No problem, honey.”

  Sophia’s face softens as she takes in the humandroid. Ryuk and FeeTwix exchange glances; a message immediately appears on his iNet screen.

  FeeTwix: Pretty sure she has something going on with the humandroid.

  Ryuk: Good observation.

  “I’ll go first,” the Swede announces. He walks over to the dive vat and starts stripping.

  “We have to undress?” Ryuk asks.

  “Yes, just down to your underwear” says Evan, the humandroid. “If you care for some privacy, you can use the office.”

  “Um,” Ryuk looks from Hajime to FeeTwix to Sophia, whose smile has thinned. “Sure, I’ll use the office.”

  (0)__(0)

  “That was different …” Ryuk says as soon as his avatar takes shape.

  The dive vat was almost like being submerged in a small pool, aside from the fact that the liquid was thick and gooey. Even though he now stands on solid, digital ground, the weightlessness associated with being suspended in the vat is still throwing his center of gravity off.

  He takes a step back as the Mitherfickers’ stats appear before him. With no changes since he last checked, he swipes them away.

  “Fick, Marbles, did your big bro hand you your candy ass again?” Hiccup turns to Ryuk and laughs. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  The mention of the word ‘ghost,’ even though he was the one to mention it, brings terror to the portly, pink-haired goblin’s face.

  Ryuk sighs deeply. “Nice to see you too, Hiccup.”

  “Fick, must be nice to not actually have to do all the walking yourself. I wish I could just log out and have my avatar do the dirty work. There are a lot of tasks I need to accomplish that I’d prefer not to do myself including trimming my toenails.”

  “Quiet, goblin,” Zaena says, now out of habit.

  Enway laughs as she moves over to Ryuk. “How are you? Any changes up there?”

  “Not, um, not that I’m aware of. I met FeeTwix in person.”

  As if he were Beetlejuice, the mere mention of the Swede’s name causes him to appear, his avatar slowly pixilating into existence. His eyes instantly go black. “Fick yeah, everybody! We’re back, and while I was gone, I hope you guys kept track of what Hiccup was doing and saying. Never can be too sure of that goblin.”

  “Hey! Fick you, Twixy!”

  “Okay people, so we’re outside Bluwid and night is coming, which will likely lead to some battles and some asshattery, or fickery, if I do say so myself.”

  Hiccup throws his hands up in the air and mumbles about FeeTwix owing him royalties for using his favorite word.

  “And we all know what I like to do at night. That’s right, folks, sleep! And if you are having trouble sleeping, McStarbucks has you covered. Melatonin lattes and McFlurries are on sale worldwide! And you don’t even need to mention #FeeTwixRox to get the discount!”

  “Then what’s the fickin’ point of this ad?” Hiccup asks. “And what the fick is Melatonin?”

  “I’m glad you asked,” FeeTwix says as he places his arm around Hiccup’s shoulder and turns to him. The goblin glares into the Swede’s black, soulless eyes.

  “Why are you fickin’ staring at me like that?”

  “If you do mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout, you’ll get – and I really can’t tell you guys how excited I am to share this – you’ll get a bogo offer! Bogo bogo! What better way to spend than bogo!?”

  Hiccup tears himself from FeeTwix’s grip. �
�Ficker.” He whistles for Wolf to come over to him but the Unigaean beast stays away.

  “What happened there?” Ryuk asks as FeeTwix continues to tell his fans of what drinks qualify for the buy one, get one free offer.

  “Hiccup pissed the wolf off,” Zaena says.

  “I didn’t piss ‘the wolf’ off, I accidently pissed on ‘the wolf,’” Hiccup argues. “And it was a fickin’ accident. I don’t need adult diapers or shit like that. I thought I saw a fick-faced ghoul back in the brush we passed through. Everyone has personal fears. Mine trigger bowel movements.”

  “It was a deer.”

  “Yes, Liz, we later discovered that after you fickin’ tossed a sword at it and killed it. But at the time, I thought it was a ghost and I fickin’ hate ghosts. Thanks for the deer meat though, it is best uncooked.”

  “So, you peed on Wolf?” Ryuk asks.

  “Fick, why is everyone judging me? It was just a little and I pissed myself too, which is why I’m walking the way I’m walking.”

  “I thought you walked that way because you were bow-legged,” Zaena says, a mischievous smile forming on her face.

  Hiccup’s face turns red. “I had fickin’ rickets when I was a young goblin and now you’re making fun of me for this? Fick! There are no safe spaces in this guild, not that I need one, but just fickin’ saying.” He sniffs loudly. “Fick everyone that isn’t me.”

  With that, the goblin crosses his arms over his chests and waits for the others to walk past him. Once they are a good five meters away, he slowly starts to pick up his pace.

  “How long do you think he’ll stay quiet?” Zaena asks.

  “No idea.”

  A message appears on Ryuk’s vision pane.

  Sophia: I have started downloading your feed. The download process won’t take long, but viewing and interpreting the data will take a fair amount of time. Please refrain from logging out while it is being interpreted. Like I explained before you logged in, we are storing your feed’s data in real time. If you log out, we won’t have enough available space to completely process your feed. Trust me, I’m an expert.

  Ryuk: I do trust you.

  Sophia: Be sure not to log out.

  Ryuk: I wasn’t planning on it. Are you viewing my feed?

  Sophia: Not your current feed.

  “You’ve got that look on your face, Ryuk,” says FeeTwix.

  “Which look?”

  “Like you’re annoyed.”

  “It’s …” Ryuk points up at the sky.

  “Ah, cool, cool, cool. Fick ‘em, as our goblin friend says. And yes,” the Swede calls over his shoulder, “you’re still my friend.”

  Seeing that Hiccup won’t join the group, Wolf turns back to the goblin. Once he reaches him, he lowers his body so Hiccup can climb up.

  “Good Wolfy,” Hiccup says as he pets his head. “At least you get me. I’ll let you know if I feel a piss coming on.”

  (0)__(x)

  The goblin has more or less cheered up by the time they reach the Bluwid city limits. Ryuk’s nose twitches at the stench that hovers over this city like a big cloud of pollution. There are hints of Jatla in the smell, but the Bluwid stank is more pronounced, thicker, and Ryuk instantly wishes he wore the surgical mask he had back in Tokyo.

  “Whew!” Zaena says. “It is quite pungent here.”

  The goblin’s nostrils flare. “Yeah, yeah. Jatla may be a shithole, but Bluwid is an actual shithole. People shit in holes in the alleys.”

  “Why don’t they install bathrooms?” Enway watches a goblin on a purple cockatrice ride by. He wears chainmail and spiked arm bracers. A scowl on his face, the rider grumbles, “Get the fick out of the way,” as he passes them.

  “No one is in your way, you fickered dotard!” Hiccup calls after him.

  “Shit, Hiccup, please don’t pick fights.”

  Hiccup raises an eyebrow at Ryuk. “Pick fights? That’s a fickin’ greeting where I’m from.” His voice grows louder. “And if the cup-fickin’ dirty finger banger has anything else to say, he’ll say it to our faces!”

  The goblin on the cockatrice tells Hiccup to “fick off,” and just when it seems like a fight is about to break out, FeeTwix whips out a 9mm Luger he had tucked into the back of his pants and caps the goblin.

  Bang!

  Instakill!

  “Fick, Twixy, we were just fickin’ around!”

  “No one threatens my friends,” FeeTwix says as he returns the gun to its hiding place. “And no one talks shit about the Mitherfickers.”

  Hiccup considers this as he rides past on Wolf. “I’m with you there, Twixy, I’m all about jingoism, however minute it may be. Extreme force too. Shoot first, don’t ask questions – good motto.”

  “Tossers tonight! Tossers tonight!” a young girl goblin yells out. She has her hair in pigtails and she wears a tattered, hand-me-down leather tunic.

  “Tossers is tonight?” Hiccup runs his mechanical hand over his pin topknot. “Fick yeah! Who wants to go to Tossers?”

  “Oh, that’s what it is,” FeeTwix says, his eyes flashing as his fans explain. “I’ll pass.”

  “Dare I ask?” Enway grins at Ryuk, her red eyes softening.

  “Better you than me,” he jokes.

  “What is Tossers?” she asks as they come to a checkpoint manned by a pair of sleeping goblins. A couple of emptied steins on the table tell a story of late afternoon debauchery. One of the checkpoint guards has his thumb in his mouth.

  “Doesn’t know what Tossers is.” Hiccup rubs his hands together. “Tossers is the name for public executions in Bluwid. Fun shit.”

  “It’s not a game?” Zaena asks. “Everything you mention sounds like a game.”

  “No, it’s not, Liz, and I wish you, of all people, would turn the prejudice down a hair. Any-fickin’-hoo, Tossers is where you put someone convicted of a crime in a giant slingshot and shoot them off the continental shelf.”

  “That’s it?” asks Ryuk as they pass a goblin perched on a carpet selling severed bugbear heads.

  “Yes, Marbles, that’s it. Any other questions?”

  “And this is a game?”

  “No, it’s a public execution. What the fick is wrong with you?”

  “Nothing is wrong with me; it just sounded like a game.”

  “Well, people bet on it. Bets like, how loud will the goblin scream, how far will they fly – those sort of things. Fick, I need to get new pants. Stop arguing with me, Marbles. Where’s the pants store? Or does this guild say trousers? I wish we could all agree on a name for the shit we put on our legs to cover our chalupas.”

  FeeTwix flips open a map and it floats in the air before him. He scrolls through the map, which is backlit, roads and buildings highlighted in green. “Ah, Bluwid, it feels like I know you intimately now.”

  Hiccup takes a look at the map. “Not bad, but it doesn’t show all the shortcuts.” He squints as the map zooms in on their current location. “Liz, I need some reptilian eyes over here. Hey! Limbs off the hair. Fick. Okay, does that say Wild Cherry Oriental Massage?”

  Hiccup points at a building a few blocks away.

  “It does. You can clearly read it, goblin.”

  He licks his lips. “Then that’s where we are going first. I know the guy that runs Wild Cherry and he, of all goblins, is a real fickboy. Old friend too, goes by the name Dougbug.” Hiccup whistles. “Sorry, Wolf, we’ll need to wait on pants. To Wild Cherry! And Liz, fick you and the dragon you rode in on. Let’s go, Mitherfickers!”

  “Fick you!” a cranky goblin begging by the side of the road shouts.

  “Fick the poor!” is Hiccup’s response.

  “Yeah, fick them!”

  “The locals are very hostile,” Enway says as they follow the wolfbound goblin.

  Ryuk laughs. “It reminds me of home.”

  “Tokyo is this bad?”

  “No! Not that home, um, I meant our guildhall in Jatla. I can’t believe I’ve just referred to that place as home. We
need a new guildhall, in fact…” Ryuk catches up with FeeTwix, who walks beside Zaena holding her hand.

  “What’s up, Ryuk?” FeeTwix says after he sees the eager look in his eyes.

  “We need a new guildhall, something not in Jatla. Let’s never go back to Jatla again.”

  Zaena nods. “I agree. We should get a place in Valhalla, in Porthos.”

  “Pretty expensive there,” Ryuk says.

  “Price is not an issue.” FeeTwix smiles at both of them. “We need a suitable location that has access to amenities and other guilds. We also need a place that isn’t filthy as fick, like Jatla.”

  Hiccup slows, his big ears twitching ever so slightly. “Did I hear someone say something about Jatla? It ain’t that bad, folks, but believe whatever fake media outlet you want. I’m sick of waging war against the lamestream media. I mean, really, you’ve seen the shit they said about Dirty Dave, right, Liz?”

  “No.”

  “And we all met Dirty Dave, and he’s a high-quality guy. Clearly not a drug dealer, good people, the best of people.”

  Ryuk sighs. “He is a drug dealer. We protected his shipment of wizardous as part of a quest, remember? In the Port of Corpses, as you called it.”

  “Maybe you protected his shipment, but I didn’t see shit, Marbles.”

  “Hiccup, you yourself pointed out the fact that orcs were loading drugs into an airship.”

  “See what I’m talking about, Twixy? Ryuk’s clearly been poisoned by fake news. Shit, I bet he believes the world is round.”

  “Whose world?” Ryuk asks, his eyes narrowing on the back of the goblin’s head.

  “Anyone’s world. I’m walking on a flat surface. The world is flat. It’s not fickin’ rocket science, whatever a fickin’ rocket is. Sheesh. Okay, stop picking fights with me. You fickers see that place up there with the big red cherry on the window?”

  “Yes,” FeeTwix says. “And no offense, Hiccup, but I may be re-equipping my hazmat suit. It is toxic over here!”

  “None taken. I’d equip one too if you had one for short and round guys. Here’s the plan: let me do all the talking with Dougbug.”

  “Dougbug?” Enway asks.

  “Keep up, Red Eyes. Ooo, I like that name. Anyfick, Dougbug is my friend, and he may be pissed at me, so let me do the talking.”