Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh

by Harmon Cooper

  “We don’t know if Hiccup knows,” Ryuk tells Doc. He touches the runestone on his chest, and morphs back to his Ballistics Mage avatar. “Also, how did you hear your name so quickly?”

  The faun snorts. “I told you I’d be around and providing support.”

  “Have you been watching us since we last saw you in the Knight’s guildhall?”

  “Come on,” Doc laughs, “I have a life, and a pretty nice mansion in a Barbie Proxima world, but to answer your question, yes. Aiden and I have been watching you guys. Pretty entertaining stuff, although the stuff with the goblin shaman woman was a little twisted. But that’s all beside the point now. If they have Hiccup, we need to get Hiccup back before he talks.”

  “We don’t even know where they are,” Ryuk says.

  “Not necessarily.” Doc equips a device with an antenna on it. He extends the antenna and walks over to the spot where Kodai teleported from, his hooves making cylindrical imprints in the snow. “That seems…stupid of them.”

  “What do you mean?” FeeTwix asks.

  “They’ve gone to Aramis. Don’t they have a guild there?”

  “Then we’ll go and get Hiccup,” Ryuk says.

  “Yes, we will,” says Doc, “and we’ll bring the cavalry. Usually, I’m not one to just rush in and take action, but it’s needed for this scenario. Aiden?”

  Morning Assassin’s avatar spawns, his Slice Bang on his back. Although he’s in his armor now, he still wears his Hugh Hefner robes.

  “We going to Aramis?” Aiden asks. He cracks his knuckles in front of him and the robe disappears. “Sorry, was reading the latest issue of Wet Goblin Holes.”

  “Good editorials, huh?” Doc asks. “But that’s beside the point, hell yes we’re going!” One of his shooting irons appears in his hand. “This is going to be fun. So, Oric, you, me, FeeTwix, Ryuk, and Enway.”

  “Wolf too,” Oric says.

  “The snow dragon might not be suitable for the combat we’re going to get in.”

  “Then we can send him to Waringtla, to join Zaena,” Ryuk tells Doc.

  FeeTwix’s expression sours. “Zaena would love this fight.”

  “We’ll figure that part out,” Enway assures him.

  “Anyone else joining us, Doc?” Aiden asks.

  “Let me see, who do we know in Aramis?”

  “Jim has a hotel there. Croc works security at Barfly’s.”

  “Croc would definitely do,” Doc says. “We could ask Sophia to get an NV Visor on, but I’d rather have her monitoring FeeTwix and Ryuk. There’s also Rocket, but he’s not as reliable as he used to be.”

  “What about Quantum?” FeeTwix asks.

  Aiden’s mask shifts as he raises an eyebrow at Doc. “What do you think?”

  Doc considers this for a moment. “It never hurts to ask.”

  .26. Out of Retirement and Into the Fire

  “You called me out of retirement for this?”

  Ryuk looks at the man who stands before him. Quantum Hughes is a bit shorter than Aiden, muscular, and by the looks of it, he refuses to wear the typical fantasy getup. He’s in a trench coat, a black shirt, and black boots.

  There’s a streak of white in his hair and something mischievous behind his eyes. A big knife is strapped to his right boot and, from what Ryuk has counted so far, he has at least four handguns strapped to him in some way.

  He also wears a bright orange life vest, or at least, it used to be bright orange but he’s since tried to paint it black.

  Quantum Hughes Level 99 Shield Warrior

  HP: 8675/8675

  ATK: 3090

  MATK: 10

  DEF: 420

  MDF: 571

  LUCK: 69

  “Quantum Hughes!” FeeTwix’s tongue nearly falls out of his mouth. “Please! Please, please, please, please, Doc, let me broadcast this to my fans.”

  “Absolutely not,” Doc says. “Quantum, meet FeeTwix – he’s a fan.”

  “Of who?”

  “Of you.”

  “Put’r there.” Quantum shakes FeeTwix’s hand, squeezing as tightly as he can.

  “I know everything about you! I fight with your style, I’ve visited your childhood home in America, I’ve watched as much footage of you as I could find.” FeeTwix takes a deep breath as his hand turns blue. “Sorry for the fanboy act. This is too much!”

  “Relax, kid, it’ll all be over soon,” Quantum says, a sly grin on his face.

  “I love your humor!”

  “And I love your overcoat.”

  “I designed it to look like your trench coat but provide more flexibility. I can even equip items behind my back, just like you. Learned that one in the Netflix Hulu series.”

  “Good.” Quantum claps him on the shoulder. “Okay, so what’s the deal here, Doc? The Reapers back or something? I thought we put an end to those bozos once and for all. Not that I’m not down to do a little skull-stomping.”

  “Bozos,” FeeTwix mouths at Ryuk. “My new favorite word,” he whispers. “Bozos.”

  “They’re not back in the way you’d think.” Doc starts to explain. Once he gets to Veenure, Quantum waves the rest of the explanation away.

  “I’ve heard enough to pass judgment. But clue me in real quick: we need to rescue a goblin, why?”

  “Well, you haven’t heard enough if you don’t know why we need to rescue the goblin, Quantum,” Doc says.

  “Shit, Doc, haven’t even been here three minutes and you’re already bustin’ my balls.”

  “You haven’t changed a bit.”

  Quantum laughs. “How many times do I have to tell people you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”

  Oric looks at Wolf and the Unigaean beast barks.

  “Who’s got the mean pooch? That you?” Quantum asks Oric. “Damn dog would have been nice in The Loop. Should have put one in my inventory.”

  Oric nods. “He’s, uh, mine.”

  “Not bad. Okay, so catch me up, Doc, I got places to go and pancakes to eat.”

  FeeTwix’s eyes practically flash hearts. “I love pancakes,” he whispers.

  Doc quickly catches Quantum up. Occasionally, FeeTwix approaches them to show Quantum some weapon he has that he thinks the famous gamer will appreciate. Quantum definitely appreciates some of them, especially the mutant hack.

  “Dirty Dave made this, huh? Not too bad,” he says, as he makes a ‘Robert De Niro judging something’ face. He turns to Doc. “I get it, I get it. This shit could get real bad if Veenure is able to figure out that she can come to the real world as a humandroid. Hell, I may have to come out of retirement again if that goes down. So we need to get the goblin. Tell me more about this goblin. He a squealer?”

  FeeTwix nods.

  “Then we’re wasting time standing around talking about him. Here’s what we’re going to do…”

  (0)__(0)

  Kodai stands over the goblin, a twisted knife in his hand. Veenure has been unable to take over the goblin’s mind, mostly because of some mental condition he has.

  Hiccup spits blood as he says, “Early Onset Goblinheimer’s, you emo-twated fickbag.” Blood dribbles down his mouth and onto the front of his shitty chainmail armor. “Fick you, fick that sexy snake bitch – I fickin’ hate lizards – fick all of you!” he says to Kodai’s reinforcements, who stand around them and at the entry points to the Shinigami’s guildhall.

  The two mages, Tomas, and a few of the hired security stand around Kodai and Hiccup. Tied to a chair, Hiccup has already been stabbed several times, and while he shrieked at the blade that went into his thigh, he’s held his own relatively well.

  Kodai punches Hiccup in the eye; the sound of meat on meat ricochets to the far corner of the room.

  “Yoooooy!”

  Hiccup’s eyes quickly swell up, but somehow he still manages to glare at Kodai. “Uncuff me, you fick! Fight me like a man, you fickin’ sheep tonguing poof cake!” Hiccup spits more blood. “Fick! You call this torture?” He laughs long and hard. �
�I did your mom – fick, all your moms – harder than this two nights ago. Ha! You won’t get shit out of me, you fickered ficktard.”

  A snarl on his face, Kodai approaches the goblin and stabs him in the stomach.

  “Yoooy!” Hiccup’s head tilts forward, blood spilling from his mouth.

  An idea comes to Kodai based on what he’s seen in FeeTwix’s stupid little feed. He takes a healing potion from his inventory list and waves it in front of Hiccup’s good eye.

  “Would you like some?” he asks.

  “Fick yeah, I’d like some! But if you really want me to talk, you’ll get me a fickin’ Hopkins’ or a Cherry Apollos. Fick, why the hell did you take me in the first place?” Hiccup’s eyes partially glaze over. “I’m the least informed member of the Mitherfickers. Hell, I think Wolfy knows more than I do at this point. I’m just a fickin’ security guard, you idiot!”

  “Why is Sophia in Tokyo?” Kodai asks.

  “Fick if I know! Are you talking about the elf with the fro? Knights leader, small chest. That one? Fick, I’d rather her be in Tokyo than here. That psycho female is the reason I can’t say fick, fick!”

  “Can’t say fick?”

  “Fick with a ‘U’ …ha! Fick ‘U,’ New Marbles!” He nods his head to the two mages. “You two are the biggest pair of salad tossers this side of the Bawa Outpost. That is west of here, right? Where the fick are we?”

  “Shut up!” Kodai slugs Hiccup again.

  “That’s all you got?” Hiccup asks, spitting a bloody tooth out. “Spew Gorge’s mom, Irene, hits harder than you.”

  “Tell us what we want to know or…”

  “No leverage, huh? Life’s a bitch, ficker.”

  Kodai raises an eyebrow as an idea comes to him. “Who is Spew Gorge?”

  “You don’t know Spewy? Fick, well, I guess you wouldn’t seeing how you’re the bad guy in our story and Spew is a bit player. Any-fickin’-hoo, Spewy is my cousin, also my son. Definitely my son. I had sex with my aunt, Irene, his mother, and she got pregnant, so I’m his dad and cousin. But don’t tell him that. He’s also of the poofter variety, kind of like yourself.”

  “And where does Spew live?”

  “Jatla. Where else would a fickin’ goblin live? I mean, he could live in Bluwid, but Spew lives in the Venom Spur District, room sixty-nine. I always remember that number, but I won’t tell you why.”

  Kodai directs the two mages to locate Spew Gorge and they disappear.

  “Wait a fickin’ minute...” Hiccup’s eyes go wide. “Fick me…”

  “You really are a stupid goblin.”

  “Fick, Spewy. Fick.” Hiccup bites his lip. “Okay, fick it, he can handle himself.”

  “Let’s just see about that.”

  The mages appear a few minutes later holding the smaller goblin. Spew Gorge is wearing a sweater he knitted, and a sleep mask is still on his head.

  “Pretty early to be napping, Spewy,” Hiccup says as he coughs up blood.

  “What the fick? Hiccup? Why in the fick are you here? You sold me out you, stupid fick! And it’s nighttime, I was sleeping!”

  “Fick me, Spewy, but why does it have to be a Hello Kitty mask?”

  “Don’t judge me, Hiccup!”

  “Shut the fuck up, both of you,” Kodai says as Spew Gorge is tied to a chair across from Hiccup. “I’ll make this incredibly simple: I will torture Spew Gorge in front of you and then I will have his body sent to the OMIB, where he will never be able to free himself. Tell me what I need to know.”

  Spew Gorge looks at Hiccup with angry eyes. “Well, fickin’ tell them, you pink haired donkey ficker!”

  “Spew, what happens in Bluwid, stays in Bluwid, and I only did that one time. Like I told you!”

  “Fick you, Hiccup, tell the emo fickboy what he needs to know!”

  Hiccup laughs. “He is definitely a fickboy, I agree there, Spewy.” He spits blood onto the floor. “Hey!” He shouts as Kodai drives his knife into Spew Gorge’s back.

  “Yoooy!”

  “You leave him alone, you son of a bitch!” Hiccup starts hopping up and down, his chair scraping against the ground. “You want information, I’ll give you information.” The goblin swallows hard. “I’ll fickin’ talk, just leave Spewy alone.”

  “I’m listening,” Kodai says, turning back to the older goblin.

  “Sophia, fick her by the way, went to Tokyo to do some tests or something. That’s all I know there.”

  “What kind of tests?”

  “What part of my previous sentence do you fail to understand, dumbass?”

  “He’s a fickboy,” Spew Gorge cries. “Fick him!”

  “Yes he is.” Hiccup glares at Kodai with a single eye. “And like all fickboys, no matter how powerful or how important, soon enough, they all have their asses handed to them.”

  “Is that so?” Kodai asks, a sneer on his face as he drives his blade into Spew Gorge’s trapezius.

  “Yoy! Yooooy! Yoy! Yoy!”

  “Hang in there, Spewy,” Hiccup says, his voice dropping. “Don’t give in to this pig ficker.”

  “Next question,” Kodai says as he brings the blade to Spew Gorge’s throat. “Tell me what you know, all you know, about people going from Tritania to the real world.”

  “This is the real world,” Hiccup growls. “It is real to me, anyway. Fick, let’s not get philosophical here.”

  “You know exactly what I mean,” Kodai growls.

  “Nope, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Never heard of NPCs, humandroids, Tokyo, Mexico or any of that shit.”

  “You don’t listen to your guildmates talking?”

  “Have you met my guildmates? Your emo-in-crime, Ryuk, hardly talks; FeeTwix is always dealing with his fans and hawking tchotchkes; Zaena, while incredibly tall, thin, and sexy, is racist; Enway was never properly vetted so I won’t comment on her; Wolf is good people, as is Snowballs; and Conan the Unigaean Barbarian doesn’t make a great guildmate because he’s a fickin’ loner.”

  “Now,” Kodai says, pressing the blade into Spew Gorge’s neck. A bead of blood forms and drips onto Spew’s sweater. “Tell me what I need to know.”

  An explosion in the far corner of the room scatters a few of the rented guards, separating their limbs from their bodies.

  Kodai hits the deck, as both the goblins’ chairs topple over. As soon as Hiccup touches the ground he starts scooting towards Spew Gorge, terror and concern in his eyes.

  A man wearing a black trench coat steps through the hole. As the smoke clears, he’s joined by a faun with guns, a slender guy in a ninja mask, and the rest of the Mitherfickers.

  “See? I told you, Doc, you can never go wrong with a little kablooey,” the man says, a cigar jutting out of the corner of his mouth. “Now which one of you dumbasses is Kodai? How do I say that last name? Nope, not gonna try. Everyone drop your weapons and put your hands up!”

  (0)__(x)

  “Goosebumps!” FeeTwix shows Ryuk his arm as Quantum Hughes steps forward, his hand behind his back as he scrolls through his list.

  “Let’s see…”

  “What’s he doing?” Ryuk asks.

  “Watch the master at work,” FeeTwix says, tears in his eyes. “He’s going to murdalize those bozos!”

  “Never tried this inside.” Quantum looks up at the high ceiling of the Shinigami’s rented guild hall as he equips AoT Omni-directional mobility gear, Prince’s Purple Symbol guitar, and a Heckler & Koch MP7 in his right.

  “Items 77, 217, and 303,” he mumbles to no one in particular.

  Quantum is airborne seconds later. He zips to the right side of the room and starts laying down firepower. He peppers this with sticky white blasts from the end of his guitar.

  “What is that guitar shooting?” Enway asks FeeTwix.

  “Super Plasmic Long-Lasting Optimal Organic Glue Extract, or S.P.L.O.O.G.E.,” FeeTwix cries out, the fanboy in him barely contained. “It’s one of his famous weapons!”

  The blast o
f sticky white substance pins two of the Shinigami’s rented guards to the ground.

  Oric, riding Wolf now, races to the far side of the room to engage a few of the NPCs. His splintered sword and electric shield in hand, the Unigaean Warrior launches off Wolf’s back and smashes into the group, his shield sending sparks of electricity into the air.

  -117 HP! -132 HP! -141 HP! -89 HP! -75 HP! -114 HP!

  More firepower comes from the War Faun, who has started to engage one of the mages. Not one to be outdone by Doc and Quantum, Aiden flashbangs away, and appears behind the Berserker Mage.

  The killer assassin flourishes his Slice Bang and their weapons meet.

  His avatar flashes out of existence again and appears behind the mage, where he drives his Slice Bang through the mage’s body.

  Instakill!

  More NPC swordsmen charge into the room.

  “Kill them!” Kodai shouts, his marble slingshot in hand. He tracks Quantum, but every time he goes for a shot, Quantum ziplines to the other side of the room.

  The Knights are toying with them, Ryuk thinks as Quantum blasts one of the sellswords with his purple S.P.L.O.O.G.E guitar. The guy’s body flies into a wall, sticks there, and Quantum, zipping past the guy for the second time, gives him the Mozambique Drill.

  “You still got your shooting skills!” Doc calls up to him.

  “Thanks, Doc!”

  “What should we do?” Ryuk sees bound Hiccup behind Spew Gorge now, using his teeth to gnaw through the rope around his cousin/son’s hands. And where did Spew Gorge come from? he wonders as Hiccup works to free his cousin/son.

  “I don’t think we do anything,” FeeTwix finally says. “Quantum and company are handing the Shinigami their asses. Fuck, I’d like to get in there, but…” The Swede surveys the battle. Oric and Wolf are on the far right, Quantum is zipping around the room, Doc is finishing off one of the mages and Aiden is moving in on Kodai.

  As it did over the battlefield in the Sabors, a portal opens up and swells at the top of the room. Veenure’s form now visible, she screams as she fires green bolts of boiling magic at Doc and Quantum.