The N Word (Redefining Me #2)

by Michelle MacQueen

  "Come out, you little jerks." Avery tapped on the stall door.

  "We're almost done, man, hold on."

  Not in the mood for idiots, Avery kicked in the door.

  "Whoa, dude. What's with the violence?" One of the three underclassmen glared up at him. The other two held sharpies and were in the middle of re-creating the lists. "You know the tradition, man. We're just fixing it since some asshole painted over the old lists."

  "I'm the asshole who painted over them, and it's going to stay that way. Those girls on that wall don't deserve to be treated like garbage."

  "Oh, come on, St. Germaine, don't get your panties in a twist."

  "Stop making girls—and their panties—the butt of your jokes, it’s 2019, dipshit. Let's go." He held the door open for them, marching them right into the hallway where Mrs. Stevens stood with her arms crossed over her chest.

  "Window's open, boys." She glanced up at the old clerestory window above the bathroom door. She frowned at them, pointing to her office. “Now.”

  "I'm not painting over it this time," Avery said, taking a step back.

  "Nope, these three are going to do it, and we're going to see to it everyone watches. I might even put it up on YouTube. This tired old tradition is going to die this year if it's the last thing I do. Get to class, Avery."

  "Yes, ma'am."

  "Glad to see you've learned a good lesson," she shot over her shoulder.

  "Eh, I just don't like to paint." Avery grinned. At least his morning wasn't a total waste.

  5

  Nari

  Nari sat in the basement of the Anderson house wondering how she got there. A few months ago, she’d never imagined herself spending time with Beckett Anderson. He was a golden boy, destined for great things. He wasn’t one of the more talented guys on the football team, but no one at school seemed to care. If he’d made Avery’s recent mistake ten times in a single game, everyone would have said it was okay to have an off day.

  And Nari knew why. His smile sucked the air from people’s lungs. Girl, boy, it didn’t matter. When Becks looked at you, something clenched inside.

  Plus, as she’d gotten to know him, she realized he was just nice. Nice to her, to his family, to every single person he met.

  How could a guy like him be such good friends with Avery? As Avery invaded her mind again, her fingers danced more furiously across the keyboard, music pouring out of her. Sweat dotted across her brow as she lost herself in the song. It was a Becks original and probably her favorite. She swayed on her stool, closing her eyes. It wasn’t until she opened them she realized the rest of the band had stopped playing.

  Wylder’s jaw hung open, and Becks grinned while Julian only raised a brow.

  “Want to talk about it?” Julian asked.

  Nari’s cheeks flamed. No, she didn’t want to talk about Avery’s ridiculous request that she kiss him—even if it had been a joke. Plus, their band didn’t get serious. They didn’t confide in each other. It was about the music and the escape.

  Wylder tapped out a beat on her drums, and Nari shook her head. “No, I’m okay.”

  Julian looked as if he wanted to say something else, but he refrained, instead opting for “We should head out.”

  Nari pulled her phone from the backpack at her feet, her eyes widening when she saw the time. Dinner in the Song house was promptly at six every night. She couldn’t be late.

  Becks picked up the keyboard and set it along the wall as Julian packed up his guitar. Nari didn’t own an electric keyboard, but Becks had any instrument a musician could need. He’d told Nari she could take it with her, but she couldn’t imagine the look on her mother’s face if she brought it home.

  No, Ji-a Won Song only wanted her daughter playing what she called a “real” piano. Whatever.

  Nari pulled her glasses from her face, cleaning them on her shirt before replacing them and following Julian upstairs and through the now familiar house. Beckett’s parents were at their family hardware store all day, so no one knew of their band practices.

  No one knew that for two blissful hours the four of them could forget the roles they’d had to play all day at school.

  She slid into the passenger seat of Julian’s car. He was silent as they pulled onto the main road.

  Leaning her head back against the headrest, she closed her eyes. She’d almost drifted off by the time Julian spoke.

  “Nari.” His voice was soft.

  She cracked one eye open, taking in the fading sun. “We home?”

  He nodded, and she turned her head to stare up at her house. Standing next to the monstrosity that was the St. Germaine mansion next door, it didn’t look like anything special. Blue siding with a pale stone facing and large windows that let in the sunlight. The grass in the front yard had been replaced with tiny pebbles that looked a bit off to Nari, but her mother loved it.

  Despite her constant need to control her life, Nari loved her mother. She did. It wasn’t always easy to show when they fought nonstop, but she knew she was lucky. Her eyes drifted to Avery and Nicky’s house. At least her parents weren’t belligerent drunks.

  Julian turned in his seat to face her. “Nari, I’ve known you a long time. You can’t tell me something isn’t bothering you.”

  All Nari wanted to do was crawl into her bed and sleep, but lately, the dreams had been too much. It happened the year before as well. The closer to Christmas Eve they got—to the anniversary of the accident—the more real the dreams felt.

  “Julian, do you ever feel like the only thing you can control are your secrets?”

  Pain flashed in his eyes, and Nari knew. Julian Callahan understood exactly how she felt. She didn’t know what secret he kept, but did it really matter? The burden was the same.

  “Nari—”

  “I did it,” she blurted. “I was the one to call 9-1-1 the night of the accident.”

  Julian froze.

  Nari continued, barely stopping for a breath. “But I didn’t know it was you guys. If I had…maybe we could have done something. We were so close. I saw a crash in the distance, and all I did was call it in.”

  Julian pulled her into a crushing hug. Nari tensed at first. Julian wasn’t a hugger. He was just about the most standoffish person she knew. They weren’t the touching kind of friends. But then a sob bubbled out of her, and she wrapped her arms around his back, burying her face in his shoulder.

  “I keep dreaming about it,” she whispered. “We’re still a few weeks out from the two-year anniversary. How am I supposed to take much more of this?”

  Julian wasn’t the person she should be crying to. His brother died in the accident. She hadn’t even been in the car. What right did she have to be upset? To lose sleep over it? She pulled back.

  “I’m sorry.” Wiping her face, she moved to open the car door.

  Julian reached out to stop her. “Don’t be sorry, Nari. I…” He scratched the back of his neck. “This will be my first anniversary back in town.”

  She was so stupid. Julian was the one who should need comforting, not her. “I didn’t even think of that.”

  He shrugged. “It helps to know I’m not the only one still dealing with it. That I’m not alone.”

  “Julian.” She gripped his hand. “Of course, you’re not alone. Do you even see us? I’m bawling my eyes out in your car. Cam and Peyton spent most of the semester denying their feelings because it hurt too much. Addison will barely look at any of us. And Avery…”

  Julian sighed. “Avery has changed more than any of us—except maybe Addison.”

  Her eyes drifted to Avery’s house again, and she thought of their talk days before in the library. “I don’t know. Part of me thinks he only wants us to believe he’s changed.”

  Julian lifted a shoulder, studying her face. “You always had a soft spot for the lost causes.”

  “Avery isn’t a lost cause, Julian.” She opened the door. “And neither are you.”

  He waited until she’d opened
her front door to drive away.

  Nari stepped in out of the cold and removed her coat and scarf, hanging them both in the front closet. She toed off her boots and followed the smell of mandu to the kitchen. Her mom stood near the stove making the Korean dumplings. Nari’s favorite.

  She didn’t look up as Nari entered. “Nari Won Song, school ended hours ago. Where have you been?”

  “Hi, Umma.” She ignored her mom’s biting tone and pulled herself up to sit on the counter and look into the boiling pot.

  Her mom swatted at her with a long wooden spoon, issuing curses in Korean. “Off my counter, girl.”

  “What is this commotion?” Nari’s father appeared in the doorway from his study.

  “Bapa.” Nari jumped down and approached her father, rising on her toes to kiss his cheek.

  If Nari got her stubbornness from her mom, she got just about everything else from her dad—except his brain. He was head of the engineering department at Defiance University, a prestigious program. If he knew of Nari’s struggles in school, he’d have been disappointed.

  But who was she kidding? Si-Woo Won Song, Si to most, was too preoccupied to notice much. He always had his head in some book or brilliant lesson he couldn’t wait to teach.

  “Si-Woo,” Nari’s mom scowled. “Tell your daughter not to waste her time with her friends when there is homework to be done or lessons to be learned.” Nari knew her next words before she spoke them. “Colleges don’t want a social girl, only a smart one.”

  Growing up, Nari hadn’t been allowed to play with friends as much as she liked. Instead, she spent her spare time with tutors or piano teachers. Surprise, Umma, she still sucked at school.

  What would her mom say if she saw her daughter playing keyboard in a band?

  “Ji-a,” her father said softly. “Leave her be. Nari is a smart girl. She will always do what is best for her.” He walked across the kitchen to kiss his wife’s cheek. “We must trust in her decisions.”

  Nari smiled at her father before heading down the hall to her room, not in the mood to fight with her mother any longer.

  Her mother’s voice trailed after her. “Get cleaned up. Supper is ready.”

  Supper in their home was always a quiet affair. Nari’s dad measured his words, never using them unnecessarily. Her mother spoke of her day with Rebecca St. Germaine as she often helped her neighbor with her party planning business. At the mention of his mother, Nari’s mind drifted to Avery once again.

  There was something about him that was just so…sad.

  She cleaned up from dinner, doing the dishes by herself before retreating to her room.

  Flipping open her Mac, she dropped it on the bed and pulled up the No BS app. Peyton created the app over the summer, and now everyone in the school used it to speak anonymously about the things that caused them pain.

  On the front page, someone had recently posted the video of her rant in the lunchroom. It would be gone in a matter of hours. Peyton had strong feelings about bullying, and part of what made her app so successful was the security system that had strict parameters for negative posts.

  Nari stared at herself in the video before scrolling through the comments. Most were supportive, but some… she couldn’t help reading the bad ones.

  Poor Avery. This girl is obviously obsessed with him. —@ArtObsessed16

  As if Avery St. Germaine would ever look twice at a tiny, flat chested, glasses wearing nerd. —@CoffeeIsLife

  And on and on they went. Tears blurred her vision, and she almost didn’t hear the knock on her door until her mom entered.

  Slamming her laptop closed, she sat up and wiped her face. Her mom didn’t look mad, she rarely did, but she’d perfected the disappointed parent face. The face that made Nari feel as if nothing she did was ever good enough.

  “Nari, you’re grounded.”

  She shot up off the bed. “What? Why?”

  “You know you’re supposed to come straight home after school.”

  Nari crossed her arms, knowing the defiant pose wouldn’t be taken kindly. “So what? I’m not allowed to have friends? I spend my entire life doing everything you ask.”

  Her mother’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “We only have our eyes on the future.”

  Nari snorted. “Right. I can’t have a present when the future is so freaking bright.”

  “Don’t you use that tone with me, Nari. We care about your well-being.”

  Nari sank back onto the edge of her bed, helplessness setting in. Her mother saw college and a great career when she looked at Nari’s future, but Nari didn’t know what she wanted. The only thing that brought her any joy was her music, but there was no future in that. Even she knew it.

  She sighed, brushing dark strands of hair over her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Umma.”

  Her mom’s face softened. “I know. You’re a good girl. You’ll do the right thing.” She stepped toward the desk. “But for now, I’m taking this.” She plucked Nari’s phone off the smooth oak surface. “Only for tonight. I will return it.” Nari leaned back against her pillows and watched her mom walk from the room, scrolling through her phone.

  At least she wouldn’t see anything Nari didn’t want her too. Her parents were regular intruders on her privacy, so Nari deleted anything she didn’t want them to see—basically, all texts relating to the band.

  Her room suddenly felt too hot, and she stood, walking to the window. She slid it open. Despite the December chill, she breathed in the fresh air. Her lungs stung, but she didn’t step away as she heard raised voices from across the stone wall next door.

  “You worthless piece of shit,” Mr. St. Germaine screamed. The sound of glass breaking ripped through the air moments before Avery stormed from the house and got into his sleek black car. He sped away without looking back.

  Mr. St. Germaine stood in the doorway wearing nothing but a robe. His feet were bare as he stepped into the freezing night and made his way across the lawn to his workshop. Nari couldn’t move as the buzz of power tools overcame the silence. Mr. St. Germaine retreated to work on his projects most evenings after he’d had too much to drink, but he never seemed to produce anything. Nari couldn’t help but wonder if it was safe. She’d seen Avery out there with him a few times but never Nicky.

  Another figure stepped onto the front porch, his lanky frame illuminated by the light hanging next to the door as he sat on the step. Nicky shook shaggy brown hair out of his eyes and fixed his gaze on the workshop door.

  Without thinking, Nari slipped on a pair of sneakers and shrugged a sweatshirt on over her head. Pulling herself onto the windowsill, she let her legs hang over the other side before dropping down. She landed in a bush that was already smashed from all of Nicky’s visits.

  Picking herself up off the ground, she eased the window closed and sprinted across her side yard to the low wall separating the houses. She scrambled over the wall and onto the St. Germaine’s front lawn, stopping in front of Nicky. He lifted sad eyes to meet hers.

  Nari had always had a soft spot for Nicky. She liked to think they were friends despite him being two years younger. He had none of Avery’s coldness or smooth confidence. His vulnerability matched her own.

  She sat beside him and leaned into his shoulder.

  “You heard?” He released a breath.

  “I heard,” she admitted. A beat of silence passed. “What happened, Nicky?” What she’d really wanted to ask was why Avery stormed off. She’d only ever seen him take care of his father.

  Nicky’s shoulders dropped, and she put an arm around him. Both their bodies shook in the evening cold, but she didn’t suggest they go inside. Suddenly, every problem she’d had with her mother didn’t seem to matter anymore.

  Nicky rubbed his hands up and down his arms, holding them tight against his body. “Pop… He isn’t right. He wasn’t always like this, but over the last few years…” He blew out a breath, steam swirling in front of his face. “I don’t know what’s going on, Nari. Things we
re good. For a long time, our family worked. Then Pop and Avery both started drinking. Avery stopped after the accident, but it was as if almost losing his son only pushed my father further along that path. Avery tries to handle him. When my mom checks out, Avery is the one who makes sure Pop gets into bed at night. He watches him, afraid he’ll hurt himself in that stupid workshop.”

  He leaned his head on her shoulder. “I don’t always like my brother. He’s kind of an asshole, and he doesn’t understand anything about me, but he’s always protected me whether he meant to or not. Tonight, Pop came after me, screaming his head off about something that didn’t make any sense. I’m not sure he even realized it was me. Avery came home and found me curled up in my room. Pop didn’t hit me, he never does, but he leaves scars all the same.”

  “What did Avery do?” Nari was almost scared to hear the answer.

  “He took one look at me and turned on his heel. I just thought he was leaving. He ignores me half the time, anyway. But then I heard yelling and ran down the stairs to find Avery facing off against my father in the kitchen. Avery held a knife, but when he saw me, he put it down. Pop tried to grab him by the shirt, but Avery ducked away from him and slammed his fist into Pop’s jaw.”

  “Nicky…”

  “My brother hit my father, Nari.” He buried his face in his hands. “Everything is so screwed up.”

  Nari stood and tugged on his arm. “Come on. We both need to get out of here.” She glanced back at her house. Her parents had gone to bed. They wouldn’t notice she was gone.

  Nicky rose with a sigh. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Hold on a sec.” He took off toward the workshop, slipping in the back. He returned after a few moments. “I had to shut off the power to the main power tools.” His lips drew down. “The lights will stay on, but the only tools he’ll be able to use are the ones with batteries. He’ll be too drunk to figure out why.”

  “That’s smart, Nick.”

  He shrugged. “Avery usually does it, but…”